To think regretting having children is almost the norm

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I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

That's really interesting passport . I think it is partly about luck with the 'fit' of your children. Parenting is exhausting and relentless but I feel I am rewarded by basically enjoying the children's company, most of the time. They do like similar things to me and they make me laugh. So some of the 'never putting yourself first again' is offset - putting them first and putting myself doesn't feel so mutually exclusive. They are good company and that gets me through the rubbish bits.

If that sounds a bit smug, I don't think that dynamic is something I have created, it is mostly luck. My STXH didn't feel like this, I think, and every family outing was steeped in resentment that he wasn't elsewhere with adults (I'm not suggesting you show this in the same way, he is a self-absorbed pillock!).

Interestingly as my eldest gets more teenage in her behaviour, I am feeling more resentful about it. It is more of the emotional handcuffs you describe, she is harder work and I am enjoying it less.

Yours are young though, so you may well move into a less relentless phase and the balance might shift towards more enjoyable.

People who don't have kids might think they're aware of the hard stuff, I probably thought I had a good idea because of having been around a lot of babies, but nothing is like the hard grind of childrearing other than doing it.

That said, no I have never regretted it. I definitely had some 'what the fuck have I been stupid enough to let myself in for' moments after each time giving birth, but I don't think that's quite the same thing. Although it felt pretty tough at the time. I also think I'd regret it if I had any more, as I'm at the limit of what can be managed now.

However. I am well supported. I was a young-ish parent but not very young, so in many ways a good balance of having got everything out of your system and still having a reasonable amount of energy. I also have a DH who does his fair share, have been able to exercise choices about work, am not in poverty, kids healthy and have family and company. I reckon if even one or two of those factors were removed, I might tip closer to regret. For a lot of us, I think there are just things you need to have in play in order to be happy as a parent of young children.

I don't think regretting is the norm necessarily, but seems pretty obvious it's more common than people will necessarily admit.

I've never regretted having my children for one moment. If I had my time again I would still have my eldest at 19. I still went to university, still gained my degree and still got a good job. I actually miss the young years but love having the open relationship with my children I have now as teens. No regret here.

Oh, and all my dc were conceived in a secure marriage with decent career under my belt and it's of life experiences across my late twenties and early thirties.

I do have the odd wistful moment when doing the school run in the rain etc when I imagine what I'd be doing at that moment if I didn't have children. I also fantasise about waking up reading the papers and going for a relaxing roast with my husband. But the truth is they are the best thing that's ever happened to us, but in terms of lifestyle we are poorer, tiredered and look older than if we hadn't had kids! But both are careers have progressed relatively unharmed (although mine has taught longer to get there)

Taken*

There is a huge thread in MH about this very topic.

Yes, totally this. Even bloody weaning is mega competitive with every tom dick and Harry wringing their hands about bleeding baby led weaning and organic puree etc. Just feed your baby. Job done. Yes. I'm glad my DC were born early 90s. As for this making memories rubbish.

No. i think its the other way...wish id had more children judging by my elderly patients. My uncle never had them and its his biggest regret.

Yes I wish I'd had more. It's a daily regret.

I've never met anyone with these views.

It can be hard work but I never ever regret my decision

In a previous job a year or so ago I worked with a mother who openly and frequently admitted that she actually hated her 3 children and that this was apparently quite common and a 'thing'. I had never heard anyone say that IRL before or since, and feel desperately sorry for the whole family.

Honestly? No.

There are times when I could just run away and leave the whole bloody lot of them too it.

But my only regret is I'm not young enough to have even more.

I don't think I have ever heard anyone say this.

I enjoy spending time with my 7 yr old. He's funny, lovely. Not so much my regards yr old. She's loud, stubborn, doesn't understand personal space or the concept of either not getting exactly what she wants or having to wait.

I had first dc at 27. We'd been married a few months when I got pregnant, not planned. None of my friends had babies. As I said I knew babies didn't sleep much, but 4.5 yr olds? Mine still doesn't sleep through.

I can't do anything for myself, can't go for a run when I want, can't apply for jobs or courses I want (because of money/location). All my annual leave is used for childcare. I yearn for a day spent reading a book with coffee.

It is partly what someone has said about losing identity. I used to be an interesting person who read widely, discussed politics, got involved with stuff. Now I'm someone who cleans diarrhea off bed sheets at 3am, who can only listen to audio books because I'm too tired to concentrate on serious literature. And I can't get involved in anything because I'm so tired and I have no childcare.

I see it as the next cycle of (my) life my teens, mad fun 20s, 30s the time to settle and embark on the next phase/adventure- having kids. I have 2 DC under 3- some days where both screaming, house a pigsty, DH and me stressed because of it I might long for my calmer, selfish, chilled, independent life before, but only for a few fleeting seconds (or minutes...).
Recently my mum took them for an afternoon and overnight, I was so excited at thought of lounging in bed, reading stack of mags/new book, being totally lazy and selfish...within few hours I was going mad, missing kids and looking at DH thinking actually how boring it would be if this was all we did all the time. Its like in SATC where Miranda & Steve go on honeymoon in the woods, she is going mental at the focus on relaxing and not having the baby/chaos/city life around to stimulate her, mental as it is when you have it!!

My only regret is that I didn't try earlier for a second. I found it extremely hard the first 7/8 months but have loved it ever since. Dd is now 14

I completely disagree.
My dc are hard work, drive me bonkers and life is tough sometimes but I wouldn't change it for anything. I certainly don't regret having kids and I don't know anyone who does.

I haven't RTWT, but I think there is a big difference between regretting having DC (which I don't), and feeling that if you had known in advance what was involved you wouldn't have done it (which I do).

Life these days is very compartmentalised. Most of us come from quite small families of 1-3 DC, so in most cases we didn't have to help raise our siblings. Many families are spread out geographically so we don't share in the wider family's parenting duties either, and so when we have DC many of us (and I certainly include myself and my DH in this number), really have no fucking idea what we're letting ourselves in for!

And it's that disconnect between the idea of having DC and the reality that is so hard for many people to adjust to. I had NO IDEA how exhausting and relentless it would be and I think in many ways it is harder now because so many of us have no family support nearby, many more mothers work, the cost of living is higher, people's expectations of what a good life consists of are higher - and you add in all that to unrealistic expectations of what parenthood will be like and you end up with people who feel duped and disappointed. That's my two-penn'orth anyway.

I think it depends. No family help at all combined with complex SN have made me have regrets. Marriage probs. Money probs. It all adds up. Perhaps I regret the choice of father. He has the SN too. I can barely keep my head above water.

You're going to get loads of outraged people telling you how dysfunctional you and your mates are. This is a very taboo subject.

Think I'd better name change now.

I've never heard anyone express regret for having children in real life - I think it would be taboo. However, I have read a few blogs by people who regret having children, or maybe don't regret them as such, but feel that their life could have been just as fulfilling if they had chosen not to have them.

I'm an older parent too. It isn't just youngsters

People just can't admit they wished their life was different or they had made different choice without being slated.
Cafe - lazy and selfish women? You think that is the issue? Stop being so judgemental and inane.

Yep they always always get a kicking if they admit it. People make it about the kids... it isn't about the kids, they aren't loved or treated any less. Few mothers actively punish their kids for being born.

There's nothing wrong with wishing you had made different choices no matter what the choice.

I have always regretted it...I love my DC and did my best for them but if I had my time again I wouldn't do it. They do know I'm always here for them though.
I had them as DH wanted DC and as he is older than me didn't want to be an old dad. I was too young, not chronologically, I was 21 when I had eldest, but emotionally. I wasn't a good/natural mother, I hated the daily grind, poverty, and had no concept of the reality of parenting, the first baby I ever picked up was my own. Eldest didn't sleep through the night until he was 5 and if there was a bigger gap between 1st and 2nd DS he wouldn't have been born! All the images of happy families only served to make me feel even worse. I came to the conclusion that 'happy families' was just a marketing illusion and mothers felt like me but couldn't admit it.
I made poor life choices because of my immaturity.
We lived in a isolated village and I couldn't continue to work, childcare was non existent as was public transport. DHs health deteriorated, not because of his age but just one of those things, I then ended up caring for elderly GPs too so didn't enter the workplace until I was nearly 40. I am now trying to get a career together, because of my age I struggle to be taken seriously, I won't ever be able to retire. Poverty in old age is a reality. My youthful delusions dreams of travel and adventure won't be happening.
My DC are grown up and I still have worries, I never expected to have them near or needing me when they grew up! My experience is of grow up leave home, courtesy call every 6 months. Not: ring mum daily/weekly/move out/move back in...
I made my bed I must lie in it ..