To think regretting having children is almost the norm

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I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

factory I have never felt a moments regret but it doesn't mean I wouldn't have compassion for someone who did. Please don't think anyone is judging you, real friends won't do that anyway.

Sounds like you have some quite dim friends that have led incredibly sheltered lives OP. How on earth can you get to childbearing age without noticing that there is an awful lot of unpleasantness involved in childbearing and rearing?

I always assumed that the people who had children were fully aware of it but accepted that it came as part of the package of having DCs?

I don't have DCs because I don't want to deal with screaming babies, shitty nappies, sleepless nights, tantruming toddlers, sullen, argumentative teens or anything else. I can put up with the DCs of friends and close relatives (mostly) in small doses, but that is it.

Like on the other thread, in England/Scotland/Wales at least, it is very much a choice to have DCs, no-one with the possible exception of those who are in controlling relationships that they cannot escape from are forced into child bearing.

Not a single person I know has ever said they regretted having children. But we all had kids in our 30s in settled relationships (and only one divorce so far).

I seem to be the only person I know irl who wants to spend time with their kids. And my husband too. We have a friend who did the sneaky as their dp didn't want kids. Since having the child though they ship them off at every conceivable possibility, holidays without them, demeaning the child for not having any friends and being too "demanding" and wanting them to play.

My dmil has constantly got her dp's grandkids because they are off on adult only holidays, nights out etc.

I don't think people regret kids but I think they assume they'll slot in a lot easier and don't want to give up their lifestyles.

I am always surprised when parents moan about how hard it is and how they get no sleep and they never get a break etc etc. Like they had no idea this is how it would be.

It's hardly a secret!

That is why I've chosen not to have kids.

Moments of regret? For sure!

Genuine sustained regret, where you genuinely wish you'd made a different choice, many years down the line, no.

Perhaps we aren't all talking about the same thing?

glitter that's how I feel, my children are good company and I enjoy spending time with them. I think that comes from having older children, though.

I feel sure that if it was explained, I mean properly explained not through rosy coloured glasses, there would be a lot less kids born in the first place

But the 'rosy coloured glasses' are part of the picture. The hard stuff is all in plain view for anyone with nieces and nephews, or friends with children, to see. The rosy stuff only becomes apparent once you have your own. I think I had a pretty good idea of the hard bits before. But I don't get bored and frustrated with my DD the way I do with other people's children.

Your experience aside, I think this is a pretty unusual thing to admit to someone, so I'd guess we have no idea how common it is.

In my case, I absolutely, positively, wholeheartedly regretted having a baby in those first few weeks and cried all the time. It took me a good long time to adapt to my new life and I found it a struggle.

Likewise, I found toddlers to be a terrible grind and very isolating at times.

That aside, I love the bones of them and am so glad that I didn't know how hard the early years are or I would have never had them. My life would be terribly empty without my kids.

No one I know has said this but then everyone I know well has got fairly good control over their kids and have respect. That's not to say there aren't problems but generally they are coping.

I can imagine if you are a single parent it's harder, especially if you are young
A. because you are doing it all on your own
B. Because the kids have often gone through trauma from divorce etc.

Likewise if you haven't had good role models growing up yourself.

So basically it depends on your circumstances and social circle.

Neither I nor any of my friends expressed regret about having children, although I acknowledge that it's damn hard work at times.
I hope none of those children whose parents regret having them ever hear those words, how awful to find out your parent(s) wish that they'd never had you.

Factory I can imagine feeling that way about having a second baby actually.

P1nk

Comments like that are exactly why people don't admit it.

FWIW my own mother has told me before if she had her time again she might not have had kids. We adore each other. She was and is a brilliant mum.

Parents are human beings, as fallible as anyone else.

@Foureyesarebetterthantwo I know in some circumstances that kids come as a surprise but I truly adore spending time with my dd. I work from home and I spend 24/7 with my dd (who is a toddler) and it's hard at times but I wouldn't swap it for the world. I'd much rather spend a day finger painting and walking around the duck pond than a boozy night with friends now. Plenty of time for that when my teenage kids won't want to hang out with me anymore 😂

surely if that was the norm there would be a lot of families with only children.

I had one friend who did say quite vocally she regretted having her son, sadly he died of a cot death at 3 months and she was guilt ridden, blamed her thoughts as a contributory factor and oddly she was desperate for another child. She went on to have another son, couldn't cope again and sent him to boarding school as soon as she was able. He is a lovely lad but she just wasn't maternal. She told me once something very odd and it has always stayed in my memory as it stood out she said "I always envy you xxxxx, you genuinely enjoy your children" it shocked me at the time, she was refreshingly honest but it still made me wonder why she had another child.

Actually I had an idea of the rosy bits as well. Anyone who has spent time with someone else's kids has experienced some of the fun bits.

For me it's also that I'm such a huge introvert having someone attached to me all day every day, always wanting attention, is very hard.

I never enjoyed going out and drinking, or even travel particularly. I do enjoy curling up on my own with a book and it's rare I get to do that anymore.

The hard stuff is all in plain view for anyone with nieces and nephews, or friends with children, to see

You see i don't think it is. I knew about sleepless nights with crying babies and toddler tantrums but I had no idea of the suffocating nature of never having any time to yourself, never putting yourself first ever again. Not being able to dress or eat or think straight without hearing "mummy!" Holidays involve being the least rested you are all year because it's all about entertaining the small people, not relaxing.

I thought my kids would be like me: I'd introduce them to the hobbies I like doing and the songs I like singing, the food i like to cook and eat. But no. I got 2 kids who don't like anything I suggest. They moan at everything put in front of them, food, play or hobby. It's a constant exercise in managing their displeasure.

I had no idea my life would revolve around saying no and strategies for why kids can't have something. There are moments of cuteness and joy but they are measured in minutes (seconds, actually, but minutes if you add them together) but hours, weeks and months of shite monotony.

There is no way I'd have signed up for this if I'd have actually known. Mine are 7 and 5. They are NT, no disabilities/allergies/illnesses and I know that makes us lucky. But most days I still hate it and I'm trapped in the ultimate emotional handcuffs.

Perhaps someone could enunciate what is so great about having kids? Do you get some reaction I don't when they tell me they love me (lovely, obviously) or draw a stick man that's supposed to be me? What's the good bit?

I have never had any of my friends say they regretted having children. I have had 2 say it outright saved them that they had children when they were going through very difficult emotional (and sickness) periods.

Never regretted it myself. My family is the best part of my life

it's a taboo subject which is why it may not 'seem' to be 'the norm'.

of my friends with more than one, 3 women and two men have told me (after wine, usually) that they regret the second child and wish they'd stayed at one. they love their children - of course they do- but the second one was a killer and affected them negatively.

i'm a happy only with an only. no desire for a second.

YANBU.

I don't regret having children at all. Ever. BUT if pre children I had REALLY understood what it entailed, I might have had them because I'd be scared and worried that I couldn't do it. To me it's just a way of saying that you can't really understand until you've done it.

Sally
As a parent, your first priority is to your kids, and if you are selfish enough to regret your kids because it is temporarily hard then, well No, you have to take responsibility for it.

I fundamentally disagree. Your 'first' priority is yourself. Otherwise you end up with parents who are physically and mentally unwell. 'A very close second', absolutely. In the same way as airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
I cannot parent my DD well if I am denying myself things I need (food, rest, happiness) in order to put her first. I think this is a seriously dangerous attitude. And quite possibly the cause of a lot of parenting unhappiness.

Would I jump in front of a bus for DD? Yes, without a second thought.
Would I consciously sacrifice my own wellbeing on a day to day basis in order to accommodate her desires (to not have to go to nursery, meaning I couldn't work, for example)? No.

As an aside, my children never really did anything I didn't expect them to do. Babies don't sleep, toddlers need constant attention, preschoolers whinge. All common knowledge. What I didn't realise before was how that affected me on so many different levels - maybe they don't sleep because there's something wrong, or I'm doing something wrong or maybe there's nothing wrong and they just need me but I'm so tired I can't give them everything that they need. I feel guilty that I find the constant attention wearing. I worry that the whingeing is a sign of their unhappiness or my poor parenting. So yes, in many ways, it's exactly what I expected, but my response to it is quite unexpected.

Babies don't sleep, toddlers need constant attention, preschoolers whinge. All common knowledge. What I didn't realise before was how that affected me on so many different levels

Yes, this. I was extremely well prepared for parenthood - I come from a huge family and am well used to babies and children.

But your own are different. Much better in many ways but also worse in many others!

Well, despite my occasional wobble, as described above, I'm very glad I didn't stop at one. In fact, I had another to boot. (But with a much bigger gap which made all the difference)

I suppose I have regretted a lot of things in the moment which I don't actually regret in a long term manner. I think if I had been aware that there was such a taboo - that there was a chance that my friends would have assimilated that wobble to prove their world view about how people are spoilt nowadays or to justify their own decisions about how they run their own lives, I'd have kept my thoughts to myself.