Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

wedding, hen do, transgender

750 replies

user1488971792 · 21/03/2017 17:11

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

OP posts:
egosumquisum1 · 21/03/2017 18:14

There is of course the possibility that the person who is transgender will feel incredibly uncomfortable in a hot tob wearing a costume and going away on a hen do.

Universitychallenging · 21/03/2017 18:14

Just do something else. Easy solution.

BreezyThursday · 21/03/2017 18:14

If you want a hot tub and aren't really bothered about your cousin being there then seems pretty obvious, family politics be damned.

"Yabu. She's a woman now"
No. She is a man who would rather be a woman.

CustardShoes · 21/03/2017 18:15

I love female gatherings and the dynamic changes if non female people are there

This is my feeling - a MtF transwoman has still been socialised as a male.

I remember I was part of a very tight group of women - we'd go on women-only nights out once a month. Then a gay man was invited along by one member of the group - "honorary woman" apparently. But it really changed the dynamic.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 18:17

No one is saying the cousin will abuse the other guests. But the bar is pretty low if that is the only possible reason to exclude a male from a female only gathering. What about comfort and privacy? You can feel uncomfortable sharing a room with a man without thinking they are a sex offender.

VestalVirgin · 21/03/2017 18:17

I wouldn't invite them. Yes, they likely won't want to go to the stag do, but really, people make choices and have to live with the consequences of those choices.

If you decide to cut sugar out of your food, you can do that, but your friends aren't going to have sugar-free wedding cakes so that you can participate.

In fact, you would not make a grain-free wedding cake because one of your friends can't eat grain, would you?

By the way, I have never been to a hen party where I would have felt uncomfortable talking about things if a man were there

Granted, it is mostly the men who get uncomfortable when I talk about periods, because I don't feel uncomfortable talking about that in the presence of men, but ... well, they do get uncomfortable.

Women who are more considerate of men's feelings than I am surely would like a space to talk about female anatomy and its issues once in a while.

greenworm · 21/03/2017 18:20

I don't really get the issue, I've been on mixed male/female stag/hen did before, and been in a house share with both men and women, not all of whom I knew.

Equally at the swimming pool and spa I've shared jacuzzis with men and women.

At no point will you have to see each other naked, you can get changed in bathrooms/toilets.

Do you mean people will feel uncomfortable that she presents as a woman but it will be obvious she has a penis? Rather than having to be in the same jacuzzi as a penis / have breakfast with someone wearing pyjamas who has a penis?

morningrunner · 21/03/2017 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

egosumquisum1 · 21/03/2017 18:21

In fact, you would not make a grain-free wedding cake because one of your friends can't eat grain, would you

Some people might. Depends on how they feel about their friends, I suppose?

Universitychallenging · 21/03/2017 18:22

She is a woman, she isn't female but she is a woman.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 18:22

This isn't a mixed hen do though, if it was anyone who felt uncomfortable could decline in advance. This is being presented as a women only hen do so it is reasonable for other guests to assume that is actually the case when deciding whether to attend.

Batteriesallgone · 21/03/2017 18:22

Just talk to your cousin.

If she's super bolshy about her right to be there, how dare you suggest her penis might be an issue - uninvite her for being a selfish cow.

If she says hmmm yeah I see your point, how about I don't do the hottub but stay clothed and be, I don't know, chief cocktail mixer (for example) and generally is understanding about the difficult situation - invite her, because you'll know you can trust her to respect the occasion and not make it all about her. Surely she can share a room with her mum/cousin and won't need to share with any of your friends.

There is no need to reveal your friends abuse. Say two attendees have been raped but you can't say who. If there's two she's less likely to try and find them out (if she's that type) and let's be honest, if she makes it all about her and her transition after you've told her you've got two vulnerable attendees she's clearly a selfish twat.

MadMags · 21/03/2017 18:23

I identify as a surgeon.

Wonder what they'll think of that if I rock up to the hospital to operate on someone tomorrow...

SookiesSocks · 21/03/2017 18:23

Why Uni what makes a women?

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 18:24

stay clothed and be, I don't know, chief cocktail mixer (for example)

Fucking hell. Blush

Gallavich · 21/03/2017 18:25

She's not a woman. She's a transwoman, which is a male who identifies with feminine gender roles. That is not a woman, not legally, not socially, not logically.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 21/03/2017 18:26

Thank you MNHQ for deleting some of the transphobic posts Flowers

DickToPhone · 21/03/2017 18:26

"She is a woman, she isn't female but she is a woman."

Based on what?

Am I a hippopotamus?

Universitychallenging · 21/03/2017 18:26

She isn't female. But she is a woman.

I don't get the drama. She might not even want to go. The op could try talking to her and asking her. They're supposed to be close after all.

Or just organise something else.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 18:28

'She isn't female. But she is a woman.'

This makes no sense.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 21/03/2017 18:28

but i have no issue at all with her becoming transgender

But you DO have an issue, this one, as soon as she wants to get in a hot tub with you.

Universitychallenging · 21/03/2017 18:28

The op hasn't said, so I'm wondering if she has fully transitioned and has a new birth certificate?

Because legally she is a woman if she has.

But, as I say, if it was me, I'd either talk to her, or just plan something else. No need for any drama.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 21/03/2017 18:29

I like Batteries approach.

DickToPhone · 21/03/2017 18:29

"But you DO have an issue, this one, as soon as she wants to get in a hot tub with you."

Different isn't it?

E.g., 'I don't have an issue with naturism, or people being naturist, but doesn't mean I want them to be naturist with me.'

VestalVirgin · 21/03/2017 18:30

Batteriesallgone has a good suggestion there, actually. I'd do that.

I'd not mention the abuse at all. A decent person would acknowledge that some women are not comfortable being in a hot tub together with males, period.

Swipe left for the next trending thread