wedding, hen do, transgender

[user1488971792]

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

Blanchard lacks empirical evidence? What is that supposed to mean? Blanchard conducted numerous surveys and his data is readily available. Even the critique above said that 82% of women-attracted MTFs were autogynephilic in research studies, and that only "significant minorities" of woman-attracted MTFs are non-autogynephilic.

This is how research often works -- a researcher develops a theory and thinks it's 100%, and later it's discovered that there are exceptions and that the categorization isn't that rigid.

I am still waiting on evidence that the rate of autogynephilia in a woman-attracted trans population has ever been shown to be less than a coin-flip probability. Please indicate this empirical evidence if you want to prove that the theory of autogynephilia has been discredited in an empirical way.

Yes, trifle we do. What I find slightly frightening is the victim blaming and minimisation of sexual violence against women and it's effects in the face of the trans debate. I am concerned that increasingly the narrative around trans issues is that the discomfort of women and the needs of women should be totally subsumed by the rights and needs of trans people. I'm afraid your posts have only deepend that worry.

Survivors of abuse are already limited by their experiences, many I know won't venture often into mixed company because they know what effect it will have on them. They already limit themselves. What you are asking them to do is further limit themselves. What happens to them if all female only space are open to make body people? Because this is not something they can just 'get over'

CoolJazz:

It has nothing to do with her being trans. If the OP was planning on inviting her brother or a male friend I would feel the same. Abuse is a terrible thing, but you can only punish the abuser. It is incredibly unfair to try to blame the OP's cousin for what happened to this young woman. If she cannot be around men, that is awful, but the answer is for her to choose to be around women, not for men (or trans women) to have to leave spaces where they have every right to be.

"Choose to be around women" ... like at a women's-only hen do?

NannyOggsKnickers:

Please read my post to CoolJazz. For me it has nothing to do with the trans issue. It is about placing the blame for abuse where it lies - with the abuser.

Why does the abuse victim have to decide not to go?

That's the logic which prioritises trans feelz over women's emotional and potentially physical safety.

I couldn't give a rats arse about hen events and wouldn't have one, but it seems to be the thin end of the mahoosive female space erasing wedge.

CoolJazz- the point is everyone should feel comfortable. No trans does not top everything. Everyone should feel accepted. Not all trans woman are Danielle Muscato types, IME they tend to be the opposite because they have to deal with so much shit. If you have never had to reflect that much on your gender than consider that a privilege that your sexed body and gender are congruent- others don't have that privilege.

Coming at it from a slightly different perspective, I don't think she would be comfortable using the hot tub in front of women before she has completed her transition. At the moment, she has makeup and clothing to affirm her gender, in a hot tub without that I should think she would feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable. I would have an honest and frank discussion with her and ask her whether she would us it - my bet is no, and she may even turn down the invite altogether. If she says yes, perhaps arrange a different activity and just take your closest pals for a spa day another time with the hot tub.

WombOfOnesOwn:

There is no rule that a hen do needs to be for women only. I invited my brother. And the OP is entitled to invite her trans cousin (who in my view is a woman, but I understand you disagree).

*rat's arse

SmileEachDay:

As I say in my other posts, it's not about her being trans. A person who has been abused may have limits to what they can deal with; that isn't the OP's cousin's fault, it isn't the fault of any man she may come across. It is - very unfortunately - her burden. I hope she can come to terms with it eventually. I cannot support any individual man being forced to exclude himself from an event because of it.

The problem is not blame. The issue the trying to avoid situations that bring back flash backs so intense that they are physical. Abuse victims are not blaming all men. They are simply reacting to a stimulus that brings back feelings they can't control. Like someone who has been savaged by a dog having an uncontrollable, paralysing fear of all dogs. Does that make more sense to you?

NannyOggsKnickers:

Of course. I would leave my dog at home if I knew someone felt that way. But the OP's cousin isn't a dog. She is entitled to enjoy her social and family life without having to bear the burden of someone's trauma, which has nothing to do with her or any of her actions.

Can you imagine the uproar if there was this outrage about a lesbian going on the hen do? I don't understand why transphobia is fair game on here.

I don't understand why lesbophobia is fair game on here. Trans-supportive people regularly write shockingly lesbophobic posts suggesting that lesbians are comparable to men, that women are as likely to be perved on or assaulted by a lesbian as by a male, despite the fact that a) lesbians are female and b) there is no evidence lesbians assault women more than any other class of female.
But there you go. Who gives a shit about common or garden homophobia hey?