wedding, hen do, transgender

[user1488971792]

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

not getting in hot tubs with men - is this a common thing?
(Totally missed point)
If the issue is that she may fancy someone? Would you invite a lesbian friend?

Rightsaidfred please don't assume all transwomen hate there make bodies. It isn't necessary to have body dysmorphia to be trans.

So don't assume that they won't be happy getting in a bikini and getting in.

Even without the hot tub of i was expecting a fully female enviroment and there was a male bodied person, whatever gender, I would be massively distressed.

This is - without a doubt - the most liberal minded site I visit. What is all the hate regarding trans people about? Seems such an anomaly to the general consensus about things on here. Can you imagine the uproar if there was this outrage about a lesbian going on the hen do? I don't understand why transphobia is fair game on here.

Willow it is not a fucking prejudice for a victim of abuse not want to be in a hot tub with a penis.

Trifle
That is not how PTSD from abuse works. The OPs friend will be expecting to be in a safe space- with friends- and won't be expecting to deal with flash backs and emotions that she won't be able to control. It can take a lot of psyching your self up to go out in mixed company. Also, depending on the abuse- some abuse victims will not drink in front of men because of the circumstances surrounding their abuse. I'm also pretty sure that OPs cousin would be horrified to find that they had put someone in such a terrible position.

Most abuse survivors find ways to cope- often not good ways- but it would be immensely unfair to ask this woman to deal with extremely painful flashbacks and also put her in the position of not making to OPs cousin uncomfortable and not ruining the hen for the OP. How is that at all fair on her?

If some of the more difficult issues around trans rights are going to be resolved then trans activist are going to have to recognise that victims of abuse do not have to just have to accept their mental health being jeopardised. I suspect most people, trans or not, would agree. Who wants make a child abuse victim feel uncomfortable?

WombofOne'sOwn - yes, I did read the articles I linked to

The Moser article deals with the methodological problems, and others, in Blanchard's research.

Wombofowns own Blanchard's work is not actually that relevant-it's been discredited and, more importantly lacks empirical evidence. It's really not good research to reference.
OP, I expect your cousin would feel incredibly accepted and supported by your invitation. Maybe try something not hot tub oriented.

I really don't see the issue. She is your cousin! She isn't some random person off the street. I would definitely invite her (wouldn't cross my mind not to) and I would pre warn others but more for the benefit of my cousin than anything else. As for hot tubs, anyone who doesn't want to get in one doesn't have to...people are grown ups they can all make their own decisions.

NannyOggsKnickers:

Lots more projection there. As I say, I am sorry that the girl has suffered. I cannot agree with you that she is entitled to designate nights out as 'safe spaces' (and I am sure she wouldn't dream of doing so) because of this. I cannot agree that people are obliged to remove themselves from social situations because of her state of mind. It is up to her to decide what she can and cannot cope with and conduct herself accordingly.

What it really boils down to is the OP is thinking about the feelings of her guests.
I would say to the OP if your cousin/guest was a close male friend would you invite him to a bar based hen night ? No reason not to do so. I invited a few of my close male friends gay & straight to my hen do. That said, if I had planned a spa weekend they would not have been invited , for the myriad reasons given above and quite frankly they would not have given a toss, and quite possibly thanked me. I would feel the same if the situation was reversed.

I would only invite close friends/family to a spa/hen night the fact that you are having to analyse this shows your cousin is not one of them.

Don't over think this.

Totally agree with PrimaryTeach

Major on female dominated sites you get a lot more honestly about sexual violence and the lengths women will go to avoid men and male body parts.

In mixed spaces it is often shouted down, or women told it is their fault they are uncomfortable (as has been attempted on this thread but thankfully not by the majority).

Sexual violence survivors are used to being told it's their problem, other people have rights too etc etc. There are very few places where we can speak honestly. I am very happy MN is one of those places where I feel comfortable talking about sexual violence and the lifelong impact it has.

Trifle With respect, that is horse manure. It's not a night out. It's a hot tub at a hen do for a good friend. It should be a safe, female only space.

But I forgot- trans right are more important than the rights or feelings of any woman. Thanks for making that super clear for me. Continue to peddle the narrative where abuse victims are second best.

Evening all,
We have received a great number of reports about this thread and have been through it now, deleting posts that we feel either to break our guidelines or, and we appreciate this is often rather intangible, just go too far outwith the spirit of the site.
Peace and love, everyone. All the best to the OP in organising her hen night and wedding.

OP if you are only just organising, you could change the plan to a day at the races/meal or a comedy night/club. Then the spa is no longer an issue. Sharing a room, you could share with cousin surely? Then do a separate spa day with just your best mates.
"Problem" solved.

Interesting point, thank you, in all honesty I never considered that. I do look at the enormous sacrifices that trans people I know have endured - it's not that they fancy just pratting around in pretty frocks and getting a thrill from it. For some people they've attempted suicide rather than dealing with being open about being trans. I don't know the answers, I just think that some people need to find some compassion for the enormity of the decision for trans people. Surely it's not one or the other? Belittling them and constant talk of 'cock and bollocks' is just grim and demeaning. Having a vagina is not the first thing I think about when it comes to being a woman and I wouldn't want to be reduced to that either.

NannyOggsKnickers:

It seems we disagree.

CoolJazz:

You sound too far gone for me to bother.

CoolJazz:

You sound too far gone for me to bother.