wedding, hen do, transgender

[user1488971792]

Hi I'm after some advice.
I am getting married and just organising the hen do. Im in a bit of a predicament. My cousin (who is quite a bit older then me not that thats really relevant i suppose) is transgender- male to female. All the family have been very accepting and we would rather see her happy then living a lie and she is aware this is how we feel. This isn't a new thing and we have known about her becoming transgender for 2-3 years now.
now the difficult part!! Im organising a hen do, nothing wild, just an overnight stay, spa that sort of thing. its obviously all women, but i don't know whether to invite cousin or not. If it had of been a night out it wouldnt be an issue as i would have just invited her. However, we are all staying in a house together with a hot tub, she is in a relationship with a women and hasn't had any surgery so still 'male' physically. There will be young girls there who i know won't feel comfortable with a 'man.' i think it would be different if she had had surgery, i don't know why? if i don't invite her it will be awkward and i know she won't want to go on the stag do which i completely understand. I am yet to mention anything about the issue at all as i genuinely don't know what to do and dont want to hurt feelings etc any advice on how to handle this issue sensitively ?

Who the fuck is naked in a hot tub with friends? I have been in hot tubs with my friends and we always wore swimming costumes or bikinis and the men in baggies or trunks.

The only person I would be naked in a hot tub with is my DP.

WombOfOnesOwn:

She doesn't need to get in a hot tub with any man - no-one is forcing her to get in the hot tub. It is unjust, however, to use the fact that she was abused by a man to exclude anyone who didn't abuse her. It is simply not the cousin's fault that this happened.

So when women want to have a women's-only safe space on campuses and so on, free from penises, possibly because they're trauma victims, should they have to allow penis-people in because it'll make the penis-people feel bad to be excluded? Or is this only for hen dos? I'm SO confused!

Oh for flips sake. There is no evidence that this person is a fetishist.

And some women are fetishists looking for spank bank materials because they like to spank men. The transgender woman might be spank fodder for them wanking just as much.

I would agree that if the hen do activities can be done in jeans and a sweater, there's much less of a potential issue.

I hate hot tubs but have sometimes got into them because I felt that refusing to get in would seem like me demanding special treatment. I actually wonder if an abuse survivor would necessarily feel terrific at getting into a hot tub with any people she doesn't know that well, male or female.

I have to say that I am now pondering whether I would invite a FTT friend to a hen do. I probably wouldn't as I would assume I would be being insulting, and yet I do have difficulty with an MTT being on a hen do, at least one that requires everyone to get into underwear or swimsuits. I think this does tend to show that I am transphobic, though I do try not to be.

This is supposed to be for women. This is supposed to be ONE thing where the abuse victim could be happy and comfortable and feel included.

But you want her to be excluded so that someone who will likely make other women there uncomfortable too, albeit to a lesser degree, can be included?

She did not choose to be abused.

This male did, however, choose to transition.

It's not a woman's only safe space on campus. Or a rape crisis centre. It's a hen do.

There is a difference.

A hen do. A women's only environment.

I wouldn't want to share a girly weekend with a man who now identifies as a woman. Sharing rooms and bathrooms and jacuzzis with people you don't know really well is hard enough. Girly weekends are about getting to know each other better through shared experiences. A transwoman's experiences are very different.

I would find it really uncomfortable.

If there's still plenty of time before the event then why not change it to something where having a penis doesn't matter? Surely that's the easiest option? Unless OP has her heart set on the hot tub thing (which would be my idea of hell but then I'm not invited)...
OP, do you know if all your other intended guests would be that keen on the hot tub idea anyway (i.e. without extra body parts!)? Because if either of the two critical to this situation (or a lot of the rest) weren't keen that might make your mind up for you....

Is it? Aren't men allowed on hen dos ? I thought they were an opportunity for friends if the bride to go out and have fun.

I didn't realise it was a legally protected safe place.

No! I don't think they are lying at all. I think they feel something very strongly. I think they misidentify what they feel as 'feeling like the opposite gender'.

I think that if you are having a female only hen do, then inviting one male (regardless of how they identify) will drastically change they dynamics of the evening, and will be awkward for all involved.

I hope no one is actually using 'man in a dress' to refer to tran individuals to their faces.

It's obviously deliberately meant to cause upset and offense.

You can debate an issue without being intentionally dismissive and contemptuous of someone's extremely complex and difficult issues.

When I think of my only trans friend, who is a quiet gentle person, who has been through every kind of hell on her journey, it makes me sick to think of someone sneeringly calling her "a man in a dress" because I know how hurtful it would be.

And unless they never ever go to the swimming pool ever again

I never go to public swimming pools. Never. I doubt I am the only person.

This is supposed to be for women. This is supposed to be ONE thing where the abuse victim could be happy and comfortable and feel included.

...What? It's a hen night, not a nunnery.

Jesus.

Absentminded - saying that men do not look like women isn't not bodyshaming women who don't fit the physical ideal of women.

That's absurd

I hope no one is actually using 'man in a dress' to refer to tran individuals to their faces

Or bloke in a frock. Or chick with a dick.

What does it mean to feel like a woman?

I'm me. I happen to be a woman. I only feel like me. What bit about me is the feeling like a woman bit?