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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel annoyed my sister is better off on benefits and handouts

129 replies

GoingSlowly · 20/03/2017 17:27

I am close with my sister and love her to bits. She is a single Mum and I know she has a hard time bringing up the children alone much of the time. She always acts as if she is financially much worse off than we are and has an "it's OK for you" attitude when it comes to money. So, since she split with her ex, I've always believed she had a lower income than us, and make allowances for her financially (paying more than half for meals out, etc). My family all treat her as if she is skint all the time and always pay for stuff for her.

I therefore felt annoyed when I found out recently how much she is bringing in each month, she is MUCH better off now than when she was with her ex (who has a low income), mainly due to the benefit payment she receives. Her income is more than ours. I am actually quite astonished.

We are a middle income family and do OK but it feels as if we are always scrimping and saving. My sister, on the other hand, is quite wasteful with money. She wastes a lot on food - buys expensive food/treats and ends up throwing a lot away. She books expensives holidays for the family (like cruises and trips to Disney Land in Florida), then moans she can't afford it and the family stump up the extra cash. We go camping in the UK each year and family do not help. She also 'treats' herself A LOT - clothes, shoes, bags, spa trips, etc. In contrast out life is quite frugal, but I've always thought it was because we try to save money, and she chooses not to.

It's not that her income is more - it's the fact that she acts as if she is the poor relation, and that the family constantly props her up. The reality is that by paying for her holidays, buying her a car, filling her car with petrol, etc, my parents are almost 'rewarding' her for being crap with money. They do not help us at all, even though we actually have less income???

OP posts:
Lostlight · 20/03/2017 19:32

Maybe your sister has more money than you as she works and you don't. Entirely your choice but there it is.

I cannot abide this jealousy of single parents. If you want more money, try getting a job.

PortiaCastis · 20/03/2017 19:33

I do have a job

Nousernameforme · 20/03/2017 19:38

Surely not a journo wanting a lazy piece to coincide with tonight's benefits programme.
Cynical moi?

GoingSlowly · 20/03/2017 19:46

I think a lot of people haven't read the post properly or are getting the wrong end of the stick. I think the benefits system is great and I have no probem with it. This isn't about benefits, and I've already said twice that I wish I hadn't put it in the title. My sister also works part-time and gets some money from her husband. She gets a lot of money from different types of benefit - not sure what exactly, but anyway, that's not the point.

This is about being annoyed that she acts like she is struggling and less well off than I am, and tries to live a life she can't afford (did not pay for Disney with benefits, I said my parents payed the balance on the holiday as she could not afford it), and that my parent's keep bailing her out.

OP posts:
GrumpyDullard · 20/03/2017 19:47

Child maintenance is disregarded for benefit calculations so, in theory, someone could receive £2k a week in child maintenance and still be entitled to full benefits on top of that. But, of course, the money is for the children and not the resident parent, so I don't think there's really anything wrong with that... Although, in this ridiculous hypothetical scenario, I would hardly expect the theoretical Boden-clad children to be going to Disney World with their nanny while their mum stayed at home, wearing Primark and eating beans on toast.

Babyroobs · 20/03/2017 19:48

I really don't think she could be affording Disney holidays and cruises on benefits. Are you sure she's not getting a good chunk of child maintainence on top of her benefits?

MyGastIsFlabbered · 20/03/2017 19:48

I'm crap with money too, because I need 'treats' to get through how shit and depressing my life is at times. Yes, if I never had nice things I could probably afford a holiday (not Disney or anything remotely like it) but sometimes those treats, be it a bottle of wine or a takeaway, are what gets me through the day with my sanity intact. No it's not ideal but it's the way things are. My kids never do without in order for me to have these things.

If you're pissed off with your parents subsidising her then speak to them about it but in the meantime try and have some empathy....until you've been one you have no idea what life as a single parent is like.

Lostlight · 20/03/2017 19:48

Portia are you the op?

MyGastIsFlabbered · 20/03/2017 19:49

So if you wish you hadn't put benefits in the title the report to MNHQ and get them to change it...it's not difficult.

PortiaCastis · 20/03/2017 19:52

No I am not the OP I'm a single Mum who once claimed benefits and know how hard it is to survive on them.

DJBaggySmalls · 20/03/2017 20:02

In your situation I'd stop subsidising her, and say to your parents its unfair to treat you differently.

MycatsaPirate · 20/03/2017 20:03

portia I'm fine thank you lovely. Just pissed off that dp is struggling to find a permanent job that's not zero hours or just a temporary contract. We always keep smiling through the shit times, what else can you do? :o

HelenaDove · 20/03/2017 20:12

Dispatches so far only focusing on single parents with 4 or 5 kids.

And only focusing on London.

TreeTop7 · 20/03/2017 20:34

Your parents won't be around forever and the maintenance and benefit top-ups will obviously disappear in time. I think that she should be more sensible and forward-thinking, but I don't think the the fact she has more disposable income than you (from whatever source) is something you should be getting annoyed about. Being a lone parent is difficult. Knowing that you're likely to have an impecunious retirement isn't pleasant. I can understand why she'd rather take the kids on hols with the money your parents kindly give than save into an ISA even though it's not the "wise" thing to do.

Lostlight · 20/03/2017 20:40

PortiaCastis I am single mum too and have struggled through some awful times. My comments were directed at the op.

Sorry that was misunderstood.

PortiaCastis · 20/03/2017 20:48

Lostlight It's ok, bit of a misunderstanding. Yes times have been very tough and I wish my exh could be found so I could maybe get some maintenance, not had a penny in 6 years. I think the bastard has skipped the Country

JugglingFromHereToThere · 20/03/2017 20:51

I think you have to bear in mind that not everyone has an equal capacity to hold down a good job, even though it sounds to me that your DSis does what she can as a single parent with a P/T job.
Your DP's probably support her because they feel she needs that support. My DSis needs and gets more support than I do from our DP's. She is also a single parent.
If you're not happy with things you can always have a go at mixing things up a bit with the family dynamics.
Good luck!

Dallyw · 20/03/2017 21:02

As somebody who has been on benefits for 2 years now as a single parent, I can kind of understand where you are coming from. As I used to feel the same way. There was a family next door to me on benefits. Their kids were well dressed, had all the latest gadgets. It used to piss me off how they could go to sports day and all the assemblies and stay and play things at school.

2 years ago I was in a relationship 2dc, both worked full time, joint income of 2,800 pm. We were always skint. (Would easy spend 200 on monthly shopping, plus weekly top ups, my kids would think it was Christmas if I done that now)

I had a nightmare with one dc, (SEN) school moves, exclusions etc, had no choice to stop working. I then became a single parent.

The first year was awful, going from being paid monthly, to small amounts of cash weekly or two weekly is hard. If the tv licence comes out on child benefit day for example, It's a constant game of catch up. This is what I had to live on

Week one :
£34 child benefit (Tuesday)
£110 child tax credits (Friday)

Week 2:
£34 child benefits (Tuesday)
£143 income support (Thursday)
£110 child tax credit (Friday)

I had to pay 9 a week water rates. So yes my rent was paid. 5.60 a month council tax. 12 tv licence.

Weekly on a Friday, from 110
20 gas
10 electric
40 food
That left 40, for clothes, bus fare, the schools endless fundraising cake days/non uniform etc if something broke I was fucked. I tried to save even ten pound a week, but every week something happened, new school shoes, holes in trousers, bloody kids growing! School photos, Easter, birthday, half term, the summer fucking holidays!

No maintenance, took a year to get it from him and a deduction of earnings order. When ex left, he hadn't paid the rent or council tax for three months, or the sky bill. (I miss sky). The arrears ended up being taken to court and money being deducted from income support. So the £143 on a Thursday turned into 70 ish. My washing machine broke and I was told I could get a social fund loan as being unemployed you can't get an average loan. I took out 812 which is what a single parent can get. I paid off most of the rent arrears and bought a new washing machine. The income support was now reduced to £14 every Thursday.

At the time my child who is autistic was in an out of area school, I don't drive and i was being called to the school around 2/3 times a week on a "can you come and get him now" basis. Everybody I knew who would give me a lift for petrol money worked, it would have taken an hour each way with public transport so was paying 20 in taxis each time for getting to the school, so I didn't miss picking the younger one up. I applied for DLA for my son out of desperation and fortunately got it. It was his teachers who told me about it when I broke down one day saying "I can't pick him up, I have 56p until Friday" (stressful times)

This past year has been a lot easier. Maintenance of 203 a month (4% reduction as its deductions of earnings) SEN Dc is finally settled. I have extra tax credits and his DLA which has really helped. It means i can save, or at least have enough saved for the next emergency break down of an essential appliance. I hate being on benefits, it's degrading, isolating and bloody boring. Im retraining in September, and once qualified I will never have to rely on any handouts again, or fill in any 30 page forms or hand in bank statements. Oh I won't have to go and see a back to work advisor once every three month either! Patronising me and telling me I'd be £40 better off a week if I became a term time cleaner at a university for 16 hours. I'd still be on bloody benefits though! (They just want the unemployment figures down) I missed one of these appointments once and was sanctioned ( the appointment was at ten, I had a phone call at 9.15 to collect my son from school, had no phone credit until the next day to ring them) income support went down to £3.75. It can go down to 1p before you lose housing benefit if any body is interested.

The reason I wrote about my experiences is because your OP sounded like a typical benefits bashing thread. I know some people on benefits who play the system, they have a shit existence though and not what I would call a good life. I've seen a few people really struggle once their kids have grown up and all they can do is work a minimum wage. With no tax credits. Working gives people a sense of purpose, a social circle, a break from family life and a sense of pride.

I find being a single parent easier with money, not because I have loads on benefits, but because I'm in total control of the money (ex was a piss taker)

If you are not happy with your life, try to change it. Or have a word with your parents and explain your financial circumstances so you are no expected to contribute to your sister.

I hope I got the point across that not all people on benefits are piss taking scroungers who cry poverty.

PlymouthMaid1 · 20/03/2017 21:13

I was the most well off I have ever been when I was a single parent. This was only because the dads contribution was not counted and I worked part time. As soon as her children grow up she will be very poor unless she improves her prospects. It does give single parents a false idea about money as few will go on to get jobs paying that net equivalent.

JoJoSM2 · 20/03/2017 21:25

If it was my sister, I think I would tell her I was disappointed with her acting all skint and taking money for meals out an stuff. However, being my sister, I'd probably offer to help her manage the money better. I'd also mention to the parents that I felt disappointed and felt that they treated some of the grandchildren unfairly with regards to hols.

Beachedwh4le · 20/03/2017 21:49

jojo I think you make a good point

clerquin · 20/03/2017 21:56

It's not the benefits that is the cause of your resentment but the fact that your family/parents enables her to feel entitled to their financial help in the form of treats/gifts whereas you don't because they perceive you to be financially better off.

You can't change other people's behaviour but you can change your own reaction to it. Keeping more of a distance helps ime.

clerquin · 20/03/2017 22:02

I think that you feel penalised for working hard and you basically resent what you see as your parents' favouritism of your sister and their unequal treatment in your eyes regarding them paying for your sister's holidays/meals and not doing the same for you. I think that's the real issue here.

MrsJayy · 20/03/2017 22:03

My sister is single works and shit with money always getting bail/handouts it is very frustrating when you are the sensible one of the family i can see where the op is coming from

Toobloodytired · 22/03/2017 12:27

Not entirely sure where these "single parents" get all this money from....please advise.

As a single mother I will be hugely hugely worse off than I was when working full time!

Maybe I'm the minority?? Confused