AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

Reading your responses now and as they are paying for your education, I think I would just move out and back to the spare space, and then I would get on with my job and cut down social contact with these other people. Be polite, professional and distant. See this job as a means to getting the qualification you want, and as soon as you are finished with that, get applying for jobs elsewhere.

i would move onto the remaining desk in pod of 4. use his mug too. if he complains, raise an eyebrow or say 'oh i thought it was a free for all'.

absolutely do not stop speaking your mind.

get that sheryl sandberg book about surviving in business. brilliant read.

finally: don't expect to be liked, and try not to need it. it's strictly work now. colleague 1 has made that clear. he wants to be in control, so he tells you where to sit. don't put up with it.

I wouldn't get the higher ups involved - it'll make you look weak to these neanderthal. You need to stand up for yourself.

I'd get there early tomorrow, take interlopers stuff and dump it on the floor back on the desk in the separate office.

In the marine industry by any chance?

I haven't read all of the responses, but what a bunch of cunts. Head of Department included. How old are they all, 10?

Go back, get your stuff on your new desk. Tilt head at Dicks 1/2/3 and say loudly to the rest of the office "Aw, bless. Don't they all look so cute, playing so nicely together like good little boys."

I would stay late or get in early and move my stuff back. You will probably have to move desks again but don't make it too easy for them. Make sure if your stuff is moved again by these idiots that you have sprayed lots of perfume everywhere (mark your territory!) and have several spare tampons lying around on your desk for them to have to move. You have to stick up for yourself here because it doesn't sound like anyone else will defend you. On balance it's better to be thought of as a ball breaker than a weak submissive girl in this type of office.

If there is no HR, no union rep and no reasonable director to take a balanced view your only option is to battle this out or leave.

What a bunch of utter bastards.

I can only presume that they feel threatened by you.

I would want to do all sorts of petty things, but ultimately would probably make myself comfortable in the solitude of my own 4 desk pod, spread out, head down and get on with the job.

And prove to the bastards that you are soooo much better than them.

and spit in their mugs when they are not looking

I can only presume that they feel threatened by you.

This! And use this line when the issue is raised again (whilst you are sitting back in your own seat) use this line and say it's the only explanation for why they feel the need to get you out of the way.

It sounds as if you know what they're like and it saddens me that it sounds just the same as when I worked in manufacturing 25 years ago! I think if you complain officially you will have to leave as things will never recover but, as has been said, you could get them to write off the fees they have paid, if you make it clear you feel they have made your position untenable. You might need either union or legal back up to support such a threat/negotiation.

The 'banter' was pretty hardcore when I started but they are bullying you and the pointed using of your mug looks like an attempt to force a confrontation. The blokes at my work had topless calendars in their cubicles and I complained. I was told it was harmless so invested in my own calendar of topless, well-oiled gay men in uniforms. Blokes duly complained and ALL topless calendars were then banned by management. I was often the only woman in meetings and would always laugh and say "I hope you don't think I'M making the tea?!"

Maybe ask colleague 1 if he washed your cup first next time you see him using it. If he says no, clamp your hand over your mouth in mock horror and walk off. If you enjoy the work enough and have the right outlook you can make this approach work, although you shouldn't have to. But if not, plan an exit.

I'd also suggest getting a new mug with a suitable slogan on it. I saw one that said 'not all men are bastards - some are dead' but can't remember where it was sold. Colleague 1 is a lot less likely to want to drink from it!

Give ACAS a call and they may be able to help - link

What would happen if you went into the office at a time when the others were not around and put the desks back to how they were? It's not as if the others would be allowed to complain about it.

What EXITPursuedByUser said....I worked in IT.....colleagues can be complete pains...but there is usually one person at least who can be called upon to help out...(though not at my last place, and I jumped at redundancy). Best of luck...move to a desk, so that other idiot cant get you thrown out of the office...

I hate people, but then once on maternity leave I found my job given to two men, one of my Team Leads had been given management of one of my teams, lost my bonus (most of my wage), lost my office, asked to sit with the other females in Admin, and then they tried to make me redundant too on return..(they found they couldnt)

I knew you were going to say it was construction, OP... I work for lots of different organisations in construction/infrastructure and IME they tend to fall into 2 camps WRT female employees/contractors/advisors - the crap, condescending, backwards approach that you are unfortunately experiencing, and then the complete and total opposite.

It goes against everything I would usually say, but given you're training, unless you feel that it is affecting your health, can you stick it until 2019 and then move? I would never advocate blinding sucking up whatever shit gets thrown your way during the next 2 years - but dealing with it safe in the knowledge that they're the pricks and you will move on to better things. Use the next 2 years carefully to get whatever experience you can, and plan your next move. Good luck

Thanks for everyones comments, they've been very calming!

Colleague 2 (who used to sit on pod B) tried to come into the office and ask me about my annual leave like there was absolutely nothing wrong!

I gave him a blank stare and then said "sorry, is this a question about work?" he said no so I said "well I'm busy, please shut my office door on your way out".

I am angry on your behalf, OP.

This happened to me in a prior job. What makes it worse is that I have autism and the other people on the team knew. There were other incidents with the same person, so I knew that it was shit-stirring for the sake of shit-stirring.

I now work from home for a different company, so no more office seating shenanigans for me.

Well done Happy :) Above all, stay professional. You are better than a bunch of childish little boys who were never taught to play well with others.

Agree it's workplace bullying. I can see why it's so hard for you to challenge without an effective HR / anti bullying workplace.
I agree with all those who suggest making a clear record of what has happened. As your head of Department is obviously not prepared to challenge this, it suggests that the bullying climate may get worse, I'd make a record of the conversation with him and the whole incident. Also keep / make a record of anything that happens that's bullying (including to other colleagues). I'd stay where you have been 'placed' - you've let people know you're unhappy - they'd love to get into an escalated 'fight' with you and as suggested upthread, 'make the space your own'.

And then I'd go 'back to normal' but with some changes. You've just mentioned that you perhaps take part in banter / swearing. I'd cut that out - be friendly but aim for calm and efficient. Remember, you can't change other people, you can only change your own behaviour and perhaps get a different response.

And I would watch and wait... Make plans for as swift an exit as you can

That seems a bit passive aggressive.

Why not say the truth "I don't really want to chit chat, I'm still pretty hurt that you all prefer me working in isolation instead of sitting where I'm supposed to be. I thought you were more professional than this."

You are not being unreasonable.

The bad side of me would suggest you move colleagues 1 desk into the nearest gents toilets & then switch your desk with the head of department & see how he likes it.

It simply isnt acceptable for colleagues to move you without speaking to you first, or getting approval from your head of dept. I would be making a formal complaint to HR on both counts of your colleague moving your desk without approval & then another complaint about your boss who is refusing to take the matter seriously. Let us know how it goes

I agree HoldMe. You have to be so careful not to give anyone the option to say "oh it's just six of one and half a dozen of the other".

The trouble is that sometimes these things just spiral and people end up in behaving in ways they never thought they would. That's why managers need to manage and it's never best to act in the heat of the moment.

HoldMeCloser - I don't want to give any of them the opportunity to start a conversation about it, with stuff along the lines of "it's a joke / lighten up etc." and allow them to make themselves feel better. There's now a very awkward atmosphere (as I've made a fuss and they probably don't know what is going to happen) and as far as I am concerned, they can sit in it.

I disagree, HoldMe. Saying you're hurt is a terrible idea.

Happy

Never admit to being hurt!! Over your dead body are you hurt. A bloke wouldn't bring feelings into it (more likely would take the Neanderthal approach and punch his lights out).

You did exactly the right thing, OP, if it isn't work you're not interesting in wasting spare oxygen on them.

Passive aggressive is useful at times, nothing wrong with it!

Xpost there sheraaaah