AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

I was going to say the same as LostSight - there is a space on your old pod is there not?

Are you junior or senior or the same level as these goons? I wonder if having your own desk area could play to your advantage if you have some seniority. Having your own office sounds bloody blissful but I appreciate it might isolate you a bit.

Or you could suggest sharing the spare office with the Director, seat of power and all!

Is it possible to talk to someone in HR at least to have this noted as bullying, sexism in case something else happens? Nothing else I can think of other than changing pods like others have said. Very difficult situation which should not have been allowed and HR should record how weak you hod is. However I wouldn't want HR making anyone else aware of a private discussion at this stage.

I had this happen to me years ago when I returned from holiday, another female staff member had moved to my desk and there was not another one for me. I was terribly upset and she was horrible.

Not one person stuck up for me, putting their heads down and not wanting to get involved. I learned a lesson that day. Colleagues are not your friends.

As childish as it sounds, I got my things together ready to leave. I didn't even bother telling my boss I was so hacked off that I didn't care. Strangely enough there was suddenly a quick move round in the office with those involved all blaming each other, stabbing one another in the back. It was clearly my boss's intervention but I never felt the same there after that. I didn't even want to discuss it with him.

I agree with you op, it is a horrible thing to do. It might just be a "desk" but it left you feeling undermined, humiliated and pushed out. Male dominated bullying, with them all sticking together and isolating you along with a pathetic spineless wimp "boss". To hear my dh talk, men do not do things like this....

I would say to them that they must change it back or you will get in before them every day and swap it yourself until they give up.

I would also tell HR.

They are bullying you and your manager is a spineless prick for allowing it.

WEAKLINGS! Am so angry on your behalf. Can just imagine how, as a group, they think themselves so 'clever'! Any chance of talking to them one on one? It may enable them to see how pathetic their group mentality/behaviour is.

But an office where people play musical chairs is different from the office the OP is in, where no-one moves desk unless someone has left and then moves are done with consent.

I think if OP moves all her stuff back over once he's left, he'll simply do it again tomorrow and then she won't be able to do it again without really looking insane. It's a classic power game.

However, I think Mimi's maths is correct and there is room for all of you on the one pod? I can understand why you don't want to emerge from the side office and now accept the spare desk that isn't your own one on the original pod.

Are you and Colleague1 in line for a promotion? Or are there rumours of a higher grade post being created? Colleague1 seems to want to make sure you lose face in the office in order to enhance his own standing.

And if your male-dominated industry is IT, it is getting increasingly sexist as time goes by, you aren't imagining it. Given what you've said about the company culture, I don't think you're ever likely to be promoted or rewarded there - pushing you out is what the bullies want, but have you considered leaving?

We don't have a HR department as such. The company employs about 60 staff and there is about 45 in the office I work in.

The company secretary acts as the HR department but he would just refer the complaint to the Director responsible for my department, who is the most sexist person in the whole company.

He once, in front of several colleagues, cocked his head to the side and said "aww, bless " to me, when I was being sent to site to attempt something for the first time.

I can't leave until 2019 when my training contract runs out.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I might ask for a meeting with the Director and say there are some tensions within our team and we have decided me being in the office would be the best way forward. I don't want to 'grass' on my colleagues as that will just make it worse for me, by 100%. No one in my department particularly likes the management and anyone who 'grasses' is completely ostracised. The last bloke to do it, left after 6 months.

But then I don't want to make it seem like it is me who is causing the problems and by asking for the office / saying this is what we have decided to do, it will make it seem like I'm the one who needs to be separated.

It's not just a desk it's a place where you have to sit and work all day every day so you need to be content with it and where you are

Yes, yes to fairy and mum.
Make the desk your own space. Smile ( through gritted teeth). Start calling the pod 'your office'.
Report your colleagues AND your line manager to HR and carefully document any other sexist behaviour with dates and times. Build a case and this will help if you are passed over for promotion or suggested for redundancy in the future. Creating a written trail with HR is essential.

Workplace bullying.

First thing I would do is email your head of department with a summary of the situation and your conversation with him about it. Ideally he would then confirm his part.

Then make a written log of any previous incidents that could be construed as bullying, with dates, times and any emails or other supporting evidence.

Then take it to HR or your union.

Don't fucking put up with it. Why should you have to be the submissive little woman?

Is it a law firm?

I work in construction, it's a surveying firm.

How awful OP. You are being bullied and the office sounds like a horrible sexist place to work. There are laws to protect you in this.
Are you in the union? If not I'd suggest joining straight away. You hear people say that by reporting bullies you make it worse for yourself. I've been a union representative for many years and in my experience this is not the case. Only stop when they are challenged.

This is not just a desk, this is workplace bullying, total disrespect and, imo, sexism (though how you'd prove the latter I have no real idea...)

If this happened to me I'd speak to my union rep and see if they could advise. I'd also email my HoD setting out clearly why the actions of this colleague, and the HoD's response, were a problem.

I'd also consider spitting in their tea

Yes, definitely don't go to the director and tell him it's been "decided" that you should have the side office due to tensions within the team. That definitely makes it sound like it's your fault and you're so difficult to work with they've put you in a box.

The trouble is you have now literally been cornered. If you go back out into the main office, it will look like a defeat. If you stay where you are, (a) you are out of sight and (b) eventually you will get ordered back out into the main office anyway.

I'd do nothing for a few days and see what happens. What they want is a reaction. Could you go and sit within another team, since it apparently isn't necessary for you to sit with your own?

I haven't RTFT but they shouldn't have moved your things, I suppose your department heads reaction to it would come down to how much you and the colleague have been butting heads.

You might not want to speak to your boss again but, could you ask him how long this change around is going to be 'trialled' for ?

Also, if the person responsible is deliberately using your mug, then, I'm sorry to say it, but it's deliberate. (I've got your mug, ha ha ha. Now I've got your desk ha ha ha.)

I can sense, 'what are you gonna do about it ? from here. The person responsible knows that the boss is pretty spineless and wasn't about to intervene.

Just have a quick gander at your work places bullying and harassment policy if they've got one. Or, just have a quiet word with HR on the subject.

Alternatively, just adopt the new desk, and remind yourself you are still on payroll whilst you look for a new job.

You could, if you've a mind to, lay it on with a trowel how better your new desk is. Thank them so much for doing it whilst you were on holiday so as not to cause you any disruption. Maybe passive aggressive sarcasm isn't your bag !

Once you recover your composure you could think, 'is that it ? is that the level we're at these days ?

Sorry cross posted. No HR, well how about a union rep?

You need to stand up for yourself whilst looking reasonable. Make the desk your own and appear to be delighted with the space. BUT make it clear that you will not tolerate people moving your stuff again without your permission.

Sounds rotten OP. I would be fuming too. And YANBU. I don't know what to suggest for the best. Sounds like it's a relief to be away from them, in lots of ways, but on the other hand I would be raging that they now feel they have 'won'.

So annoying.

On a practical level, seeing as you are now alone on an entire pod, could you now adopt it and claim an "advantage" over the others?. So, put your stuff, papers, folders etc on two or three desks - work on one desk one day, move to another desk the next. Drape two or three jackets of your own over the spare chairs or scatter pictures and plants etc over the whole space.

Do you ever have to invite visitors in? Maybe you could adapt the set up so it looks like you're more senior as you have your own big space, where the others have to share?

That's what I'd do.

Stainless the company have sponsored my degree, so I would have to pay back almost £10k in fees.

Tribpot I intend to site here indefinitely, until I am told otherwise.

I was thinking of speaking to my HoD again and telling him my thoughts on the matter and that I would like to stay in the office indefinitely and leave it to him to speak to the Director. But I am uneasy of doing that as I don't know what reason he will give the Director and if he makes it out to be my fault, it will be another black mark againsy my name from the Director.

I really feel for you, OP, and would be hiding in the loos in tears if it had happened to me.
I don't really know what to suggest, but given the way you describe the dynamics of your team and the department and how your company is managed, I think, rather than causing problems with the sexist director by taking the spare office (that he may want for himself, though why doesn't he just take it, in that case?), I would openly and loudly revel in having a pod all to myself and spread myself out over two desks, if that is possible. And count the days till I could hand in my notice in 2019 whilst ignoring the colleagues' "bant" completely.
Good luck, it's a really nasty situation.