AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

This does sound like bullying. Start a diary OP and write down all the past incidents you can remember too.
Any opportunities with other companies out there ? TBH given your manager's uselessness I'd be looking to move on if at all possible.

Feel really sorry for you OP. I hate that mentality of 'it's only banter' to excuse crappy behaviour.

And the whole thing about moving your stuff and locking the office 'for a joke' sounds like classic workplace bullying.

It's tough to move on from here but I would take the high road. Go back to the pod that is now yours and really make it your own. Spread out, get some plants, photos of friends and family to cheer yourself up, play music (just loud enough for you), etc...

Hell, I'd be tempted to get your own swanky coffee machine and, if they ask to use it, apologise and say it is for your pod only. You were going to share before you were moved but they never gave you chance, so oh well!

And you're boss is a damp squib! I had a boss like that and it drove me mad. He's never going to have your back on this so don't waste your breath.

I would be fuming and I'd probably say something to the colleague in question.

If they tried with the banter, I'd yawn and ignore it. They will get bored.

is not an issue that you can report to HR - there isn't a process to complain about your desk going pouf because your colleague wants it

Of course it is! She came back from leave to find all of her things moved so she was sitting elsewhere, alone, while the rest of the team put themselves together, away from her.
It's absolutely should be reported, its not the first incidence by a long shot, is it?

OP, I'd stay late and move my desk back to how it was.

It's not on to have 4 and 1 it just isn't. You're automatically excluded from all discussion, work or otherwise and they will be using the situation to exclude you further.

Get arsy, call it sexist and go to HR.

I don't get the impression from the OP that this is a hot desk environment?

You've all got it right. I'm in a lose-lose situation now.

If I make a fuss, then it will just make things worse for me, with my colleagues and with the Director who oversees my department. He already called me a "challenging young woman" because I have asserted myself in situations like this before (some including him). I am trying desperately hard to not come across as a ball-breaker because it's not doing me any favours here. I feel like senior male colleagues (not just in my department) just want me to be the quite submissive type and I'm just not.

If I don't make a fuss then things are just going to get worse with my colleagues.

I'm genuinely upset because me and Colleague 1 have been in the company together for 10 years and have worked in the same department for 5 and we used to get on so well. He is/was like the brother I never had. I can see our relationship has changed and he is getting irritated with me but I just don't know why.

I'm with the come in early tomorrow (or stay late tonight) and swap it back crowd. You could keep doing this on a random basis, including "hilariously" locking his stuff in a spare office as well. As long as you are not seen you could claim innocence and assumed it was him doing it all along.

Symptomatic of other underlying issues about power and sexism methinks. I've been in a similar position before and basically the guys will stand up for each other and none of them will support a woman unless there is something in it for him. I don't know what to suggest, but you have my sympathy.

It is mean and petty, also underhand to move things while you were away. On the other hand you say that you and another colleague weren't getting on so why not look at this from another point of view and enjoy working in a quieter place?
Treat them with the cool contempt which they obviously deserve. Make sure that you do your job well so that there can be no cause for complaint. People who behave like this do themselves no favours. When they next mess up you can chuckle from the sidelines.

The fact that other companies hit desk is totally irrelevant. You have your desk and they've unilaterally decided it's being taken from you.

The bloke is a bully and is purposely undermining you in subtle ways to get you to react and seem unreasonable. Do not just accept being forced into a side office or on the other pod.
My understanding is that there were 3 of you originally and 2 on the other pod so when 1 left the remaining 1 could have just taken the empty desk on your pod but rather than do that they've conspired to push you out.

Your HoD is at best a rubbish drip if a boss and at worst a sexist pig. I'd be finding a box and as soon as the bully steps away from your desk and I put all his stuff in to it put it in the empty desk and tell him that he can sit where he likes but he's not bullying you out of your desk.

Then I'd email boss and tell hhim the same cc in HR

So no-one in management has a problem with the fact that in a team of 4 men and 1 woman, the one woman has been 'assigned' a desk in a pod by herself? WTF? And would these people also feel there was no overt discrimination going on if you were the only non-white person?

This is completely out of order, and it is exactly that kind of insidious everyday sexism that is so hard to fight. It is 'trivial' - just a desk, there are lots of others, etc, etc, so if you make a fuss you are being hysterical. But it is symbolic - this bully and his gang have told you they can marginalise you and get away with it.

Going into the office makes it worse, if anything - they've now shown they can make you invisible if they want to. I understand why it seems like the best form of resistance given having an office is a status symbol.

I suspect your Head of Department is afraid of showing weakness, because he knows the guys won't move the desks back if he tells them to; he clearly has no authority. What happened after the incident where they locked your stuff in the office?

I'd come in early one day and take back my desk.

If I could be bothered, I'd leave myself and colleague A desks on pod A, and move the other two colleagues' stuff to pod b.

That is the fairest solution and your head of department should have done this.

It doesn't really benefit you as you and colleague A will be together, but he is less likely to be an ass without an audience. If he sits with you he will be forced to be more cooperative, HOD should notice a reduction in friction. And listen to you from now on.

It is utterly disgraceful they have done this and not been tackled at all.

Fuck that! I'd move their stuff back to the bin their desk and move mine back and await the shitstorm.

I'm slightly confused. You say at the start there are 'pods' of four.

There were three people in your original pod and two in the other.

One person has now left, leaving only four staff.

Is that summary correct?

So instead of moving to the spare desk, the colleague from the other pod moved to Colleague 1's position, Colleague 1 moved to your desk, and not only did they move you, they have deliberately excluded you from the pod, even though there is stil a spare seat.

That is blantant bullying behaviour. I am with those who would want to take this higher. Otherwise it will get out of hand. If it can't then be resolved, I would be looking for another job.

This kind of shit is why women have to be twice as good to get half the credit btw. Because we have to spend so much time massaging men's egos to stop them from feeling threatened.

Grievance to he about your team members bullying and your managers acceptance of it. Point out that the only reason you can see for being excluded from the team like this is because you are female. Ask if this treatment towards women in the workplace is acceptable in their company.
Do this by email and keep a copy.

You will need a thick skin if you go down this route.

" I can see our relationship has changed and he is getting irritated with me but I just don't know why."

you've been there 10 years and you used to get on well? I smell a rat. Are there redundancies or restructuring coming up or something? Some element of being seen to take sides? All kinds of shit goes on when this happens.

Yes, move your stuff back to your old desk.

They can't make a fuss, because it's just a desk, right?

With the exception of the swanky coffee machine (lets face it, that'll be broken/missing in no time) I was about to post something v similar to FairyAnn. Get on to ACAS and ask for their pack on workplace bullying - how to recognise and record bulling behaviours, coping strategies etc. Ask for a copy of your employer's grievance policy so you know what kind of records you need to be keeping - don't explain why at this stage.

In the meantime though, make a big deal of how lovely it is to have your own space, more peace and quiet, take in a few plain white mugs since he so obviously has fallen in love with your pink one, and generally piss all over his enjoyment of his little plan.

YANBU

It's unacceptable I would wait for everyone to go home and reclaim tote old desk.

It's odd that things have changed with colleague 1 when you were so close. I would suggest bottoming out why the relationship has altered.

I know someone who got promoted and made line manager of a load of people who were previously equals and friends. One, in particular, really struggled with the change, not out of any kind of personal jealousy but because they are the kind of person who struggles with any alteration to social relationships. For a while, she couldn't see that the friendship could continue but just on slightly different terms. The person who was made manager very cleverly took her out for a drink and let her rant at him for a bit and get it all out of her system - things are much better between them now. Sometimes it is good to clear the air.

Do you in all honesty want to sit next to someone who clearly doesn't want to sit next to you?

I've worked in offices like this, and people played musical chairs all the time especially when someone leaves or there is a new starter. You have taken this personally which is understandable but if I were you I'd just ignore the children playing their games and get on my job.

At the end of the day it's just a desk.

Maybe he is socially stunted and fancies you, and this is his way of showing it

Anyway I would be thinking of a new job if this carries on.

I hate sexism where it's ok for men to be aggressive but women are seen as stroppy and pushy when they're the same.

It is absolutely outrageous and is definitely bullying. Document everything and inform HR. If they're already treating you badly, what does it matter if you make waves now? At least then they'll realise you're not going to accept it.

However, I would also be looking for a new job tbh. You shouldn't have to of course, but it sounds like you work with a bunch of wankers who are always going to try to exclude you.