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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

930 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 10:38

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

OP posts:
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6
Autumnchill · 24/03/2017 18:00

Sounds to me like you should be the manager and not the wet lettuce that you're currently have to deal with.

Well done on standing your ground and with the way you've dealt with it

MintyChops · 24/03/2017 18:16

Well done OP. Your HoD is a useless pratt and C1 is a nasty, bullying git. Make sure that you get everything you can out of this job then move on as soon as you can be released from the need to pay back for your fees, or indeed before then if a new employer will absorb that cost to get you. Try to come as high in your class as you can, get involved in as many interesting pieces of work and most of all, as a first step document all this and keep an eye out for any more cuntishness. Enjoy a few 🍷🍷🍷🍷now, Friday night and all that....

tribpot · 24/03/2017 18:30

Well done on making it through the week.

Be prepared, however, for C1 to move and then move back again under some dubious pretext so that he has got 'the desk'. HoD will have no stomach for another confrontation (as C1 will know) and you can't raise it again when it really will be only about a desk.

Keep your powder dry, document everything. Question everything. You should have reported C1 following each of the attempted passes at you as well.

And get yourself some noise cancelling headphones so you can ignore all these mediocre, pathetic boys.

annielouise · 24/03/2017 19:25

If C1 kicks off on Monday ask him exactly what did his last stunt achieve - nothing! It wasted a week of everyone's time and he didn't come out of it looking good. Childish little dickhead.

boo2410 · 24/03/2017 19:39

I too hope you have a great weekend. Go in to work on Monday with your head held high. You have handled this so well. Make sure you document everything going forward as I'm sure C1 AKA bollock brain and C2 will very more than likely try something else on. They are obviously threatened by you as you are the better person. Your HoD is an absolute tosser so don't expect any support from him any time soon. Here's some Wine WineWine for you, just try and chill and forget it for the weekend. Take care FlowersFlowers

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 24/03/2017 19:47

Thanks everyone! It has been a shitty week and I kept to my diet the entire week, so rewarding myself with pizza and ice cream (trying to stay away from the booze) Grin

On a different note another senior member of staff said to me "Put a bloody top on you are hanging out of your top" Shock

I have a blouse and a camisole on underneath! I'm big chested and was bent down for Christ's sake. I'm surrounded by idiot men.

Maybe I do need a glass of wine Hmm Wine

Thanks again for the support, you lovely lot of Vipers. I will post an update on Monday. Hope you all have a fab weekend.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 24/03/2017 19:50

That's appalling! It just gets worse!

Can you photograph yourself in the outfit and send in a complaint against him? Sheesh, what a place.

Dec05 · 24/03/2017 19:56

Well done, its been an eventful week!

You are at the start of a very promising career, and perhaps now that you are doing well in work and clearly developing into a force to be reckoned with, you are no longer 'the little girl in the office'.

This may well have triggered all these resentful actions from C1 in the first place. You have drawn a line in the sand now and I suspect he will think twice before he acts up again.

I really do think, unfortunately, that every woman needs to confront this crap at some point in their career. So the earlier you show your strength, the better.

Keep up the professional approach and never ever lose your composure. You've learned a lot, its been tough but you've done a great job.

I would say though that I don't think there is any need to go job hunting yet. Finish your degree, you have enough on with your study. Move on if and when you are ready. Dealing with crap is all part and parcel of work. Its life and its messy. You can move when you are good and ready.

Good luck in the future.

user1471545174 · 24/03/2017 20:05

What an awful story, OP. I can't believe how useless your HoD has been - he only had to tell C1 to move his stuff from your desk when this first kicked off. HE is the one who escalated the problem, by his utter uselessness.

I would also detach from the banter and depersonalise if it were me (and it has been).

HiMyNameIsUnknown · 24/03/2017 20:08

Enjoy your pizza & ice-cream OP! Well-deserved Smile

Fauxgina · 24/03/2017 20:14

Make a note of his critique and I agree, take a picture of yourself wearing the outfit today.

venusinscorpio · 24/03/2017 20:57

Happy Winehave a good weekend. I hope you can put it out of your mind. Your workplace is shit.

TransvisionTramp · 24/03/2017 21:00

OP you have more dignity and professionalism in your little finger than all your males colleagues put together!
Have that glass of wine and enjoy the weekend.
I really hope that you can now just get on with your job and ignore Cock1 until one of you gets a new job.
Flowers Wine

Deidre21 · 24/03/2017 21:42

No need to feel ridiculous or unreasonable. They found like childish idiots. I'd just enjoy having my own space. Never liked open plan layout. Also who knows what goes around comes around. Don't waste your energy on some idiots.

boo2410 · 24/03/2017 21:44

You should have told him to put his tongue away and stop being a pervert. FFS what is it with blokes, they really do get on my nerves. As if a female would make personal comments like that, unless she was a right cow.

Heres to a lovely weekend (and yes you should have a cheeky little glass of Wine) and a fresh, hopefully less eventful, week. Flowers

Deidre21 · 24/03/2017 21:45

Sounds like a bunch of rude, uneducated arseholes.

BecB4444 · 24/03/2017 22:12

Do you work for a PM/PQS firm Happy or a different sort of surveying? I also work in construction and have experienced a very similar situation working with someone more senior who started off friendly and supportive but as I gained experience and confidence seemed to turn on me - like people have said i’m pretty sure they feel threatened that someone is ‘catching up’ or may even become better than them.

I think the key to deciding what to do next is deciding where you see your future - at this company or somewhere else? Apart from your idiot colleagues and boss do you enjoy your work? What’s the job market like in your area in terms of how easy would it be to find work elsewhere? How do the salary/benefits/future prospects/location etc work with the rest of your life?

I think given how badly HoD has handled this and talk of ACAS, bullying etc so far you could fairly easily negotiate leaving without having to pay back your fees, if that’s what you want.

If you want to stay where you are and progress there then I think you need to agree not to pursue it further and say that you want to move on but that you’ve recorded everything and if the bullying continues then you will take action. Like you say disengage with C1 but be civil and professional. I know that seems like giving in and letting everyone off the hook but you say you have fallen out with one of the directors in the past, you are causing a problem for your useless HoD (in his eyes), as unfair as it is if you pursue it you will be labelled a trouble maker. I think it would work in your favour to be the one to ’solve’ the issue and although nothing may happen to him, C1 won’t have completely got away with this -he’s shown himself to be a liar and at the very least he’s put the HoD and the rest of the team in an awkward position, at worst he’s exposed the company to the risk of you pursuing a case against them.

Please don’t think i’m saying you shouldn’t be standing up for yourself, you’re right to have done what you have, I’m just saying you need to think of the long game. The guy I mentioned above treated me appallingly and was friends with our boss who wouldn’t hear a word against him - I managed to quietly get transferred to a different team, got promoted and when ex boss (his mate) left he was incorporated into our team at the same level/slightly below me - didn’t like it so he left.

unhappywskid · 25/03/2017 02:29

Happy, congrats! You've handled this so well. I had suggested keeping your head down and so on and so forth, but right after that I got into a situation at work where I felt just like you, and it was so infuriating that I totally put my foot down, I didn't just ignore it. And now I truly believe it's time for me to move on. I guess in a way your story mirrored what's going on in my job. You did show excellent managerial skills, but your company doesn't deserve you. And I'm quite certain mine doesn't deserve me either. Well done!

unhappywskid · 25/03/2017 07:22

That perv's remark reminded of Bridget Jones's Diary. My, ppl can be ridiculous.

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 25/03/2017 07:44

unhappy has summed it up. They don't deserve do you!

Well done for holding it together. It sounded like a good performance!

IhatchedaSnorlax · 25/03/2017 11:27

Well done Op - hope things improve next week.

nanny3 · 25/03/2017 13:33

change your desk back early tomorrow and get a new cup saying something like princess on it

cheminotte · 25/03/2017 14:11

I really hope that settles it OP.

TransvisionTramp · 25/03/2017 18:21

Here's a nice mug OP Grin

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?
Imaginingdragonsagain · 26/03/2017 16:22

Hope next week improves for you.

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