PFB confessions...

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

Just filled in PFB's "All about me" booklet for starting preschool in five weeks. It has a double-page spread for family photos - comfortably fits about four. I've painstakingly wedged in eleven. PFB grinning. PFB dancing. PFB shoveling food in his face. Then there're sections for writing about what PFB loves, hates, and is good at, word clouds to circle about his personality, tick boxes for how he learns/explores, all that kind of thing. Overall, I have pored over every question and written a carefully considered thesis. The staff going to take one leaf through this and make some (probably fairly accurate) conclusions. And yet, I cannot stop myself. In fact, I am ready to burst into tears at the very thought of taking him in on his first day with his little book all about him clutched in his hands.

Please cheer me up and tell me I'm not the only one who has done/is doing stuff like this. What's your most OTT PFB moment?

(PS. We have twins on the way so I imagine three years from now I'll be howling with laughter at my current self.)

My Mum loves to tell the story from 30 years ago when they took me (at 6 months old) to Spain with her parents. They had me in a pushchair with a parasol and apparently between the four of them, they formed a guard of honour type arrangement (whilst walking) around the pushchair to ensure that not one single scrap of sunlight touched me

I've done a few little daft things, but the one I'm slightly ashamed of is upon receiving a beautiful handmade cardigan from my absolutely lovely MIL, I started to worry about the top button being a choking hazard so I removed it. The fact it took me 20 minutes to unpick it suggesting it was on pretty well and that my MIL would pluck her own eyes out than risk harm to her beloved grandchildren just underpins my overreaction.

I also might have layered 4 muslins on the tesco trolley baby seat before putting him in it, lest a portion of his clothing be sullied....

At the time my actions seemed perfectly rational.

Does anyone else get second born guilt? As in, not being so highly strung or worried and it makes you feel guilty?!

For DS's first bug, which didnt hit till he was 3. He spewed all over DH & a tiny bit on my foot. DH was cleaning him, I dashed some clothes on to go to Tesco's to buy every disinfectant known to man, plus plain biscuits etc.

By the time I got back he was asleep on the sofa bless him. I can mummies that the house shined from anti bac wipes, sprayed, air anti bac stuff, we still got the bloody bug.

DH still laughs if I do a shop from Tesco's as I'll buy 5 of their cheap anti bac dettol stuff, separate wetwipes, hand towels, kitchen roll, ice pops. Like to be prepared for anything.

My craziest moment was prob during swine flu, I went & nearly cleared the shelf of water, plus foods that would last. The Monday after, we'd been to an exhibition & I came down with it. Which DH down played till he got it, then I was at Tesco's again at 1am buying flu stuff as I'd had all we had in the house.

I like to keep a well stocked medicine cupboard.

So I'm a good person to know in an emergency. I have all you could ever want and more.

When our son was a newborn I used to go to bed early (pre 9pm) and my husband would stay up with the baby. DH would watch Dexter but with the sound off and subtitles in case the murders traumatised a newborn baby.

When my nephew was a baby I whacked him on the head with a Wii controller playing bowling. He cried. I then whacked myself on the head to see how hard it was and if I might have damaged him. I'm glad that a PP proves I'm not a total nutbag. Or at least not the only one.

Oh yes. And I kept a long rambling diary of eldest's every feed, puke and nappy change. For months. As it turned out I did have some mental health issues ...

Just remembered DP dropping a mince pie on DS head at Christmas (he was about 12 weeks old).

Cue frantic googling (of what I have NO idea) from DP as he panicked that the combined weight of mince pie and foil tray might have cause irreparable brain damage... while I sat picking the mince pie off DS head and eating it

Reading these makes me feel quite inadequate and possibly slightly neglectful? I returned to work fairly shortly after maternity, DH and I work full time and I can't say I have time to do this. I do feel bad though as I think we maybe should be a bit more PFB about DS though.

My best friend has a load of stories that I'd love to share but I can't for fear of outing myself.

I called 999 when DD1 banged her mouth on a low windowsill.

There was a lot of blood, but the nice paramedic told me an ice pop or lolly would probably be adequate treatment for what I thought was a hideous mouth gash/teeth through lip. Not long after they introduced 111 and my family joke that it was probably because of people like me

Doesn't everyone do the 'recording every feed' thing?!
I was one of the repeat-weighters with DC1. In EVERY WEEK despite their gentle and not-so-gentle assertations that 'going every week wasn't helpful because the gains/losses were minute and to record a proper pattern it should be at least fortnightly..' in fact, thinking about it is that rubbish?! good thing I ignored them
I was OBSESSED with whether he tracked the line.
Dc2. Went a couple of times. He looked podgy enough to my obsessively trained eye from DC1

Also kept the Angel Care monitor until he was nearly 4! In fact I credit it with the fact he became a great sleeper- he got so used to the fact the beeps meant he needed to shift back into place and STAY IN PLACE that he never ventured out of bed until I went in and got him up!
(I feel I was owed this after him being a shit sleeper until 18 months).

Yep, Nownow, it was the Baby whisperer. I took that book as gospel. I do remember my mum looking at me a bit weird when I recounted some of the stuff in it. But bless her she didn't say anything.

I also had notebooks full of feed times and which boob I'd used etc. And I spent months noting down every wake up during the night. I found the notebook recently and you can see my writing turning into incoherent scribble as I note down 'woke at 2am, woke at 3.30am, woke at 5am' etc etc. I have no idea why I thought I had to write it all down.

I hope nobody reports me to SS because it seems I'm horribly neglectful. I love them so much but I seriously didn't do any of this stuff. 3rd baby is now 10 wks old and I thought everything was trundling along fine. Now l'm wondering if I'm actually making a balls of it unbeknownst to myself

Yes pixie that is my favourite pfb moment ever!
Audrey i also make dp start hoovering in another room so the noise doesn't shock ds!

When ds was 3 months old, sat waiting in the doctors and a chap coughed once, I went to reception and asked if they could call me in from outside when our appointment came as I didn't want to risk ds catching a nasty cough and stood just outside the front doors.

I only had 1 pfb moment probably because between my sil and dm I hardly had a chance but it was a goody, I was at a mother and baby swim session and another baby was sick in the pool, well I damn near drowned everyone including other babies in my haste to remove dd1 from the pool before she got poorly too ! I may have not gone back for 2 weeks to ensure the danger had past.

Dh however was laying on the floor cuddling dd1 when he saw a goal, jumped up as dd1 fell onto the padded cushions and then started screaming " I've killed the baby " she was 6 months old and slept through the whole thing ! He wouldn't calm until we had her checked out at A&E by the VERY patient doctors who refuse to MRI scan a 6 month old

When first on mat leave with PFB, I used to watch Jeremy Kyle in the morning. However, I had to stop when she was about 6 weeks old in case all the shouting upset her and gave her lifelong issues

Other than that I was quite relaxed though. If anything I'm worse with PSB!

Oh and forgot to say - pixie I remember the coat story! Love it - but it's been knocked off the top spot by edwin's epic feeding sagas, which made me properly LOL

We took our ds to a&e with what turned out to be wind...

He had turned blue-ish around the mouth, which still happens when he needs a good farting session.

I was so fucking embarrassed!

My dm and sil on the other hand with my dd1 & 2 !
Sil called the police at a soft play centre because a 5yo hit my dd2 she was 18 months at the time , and he wouldn't say sorry obviously the police came and locked him up for years ! ( or they told her no and she got chucked out for screaming at the manager )
Dm would have to come over every day of both DD's lives to take a picture until df and I pointed out it was batshit. DD's were 3&4 by then.
Oh and she used the baby monitors and breathing pads until they were 10
And the time she took dd1 off other granny as she was winding her too roughly ( other granny was 80 and has 12 grandchildren and 13 great grandchildren)

Umm, my dh insisted on driving to the hospital car park 16 miles away to feed dd1 peanut butter sandwiches just in case she was allergic.

Should point out it was the first time she had eaten peanut butter and not a regular occurance!

We took our two week old DD to the doctors for an emergency appointment the first time she vomited.

bananaqueen best thing about it is, kid has his father's propensity for snoozing through chaos. As proved when the combined noise of four dogs going absolutely batshit at the window cleaner didn't slightly stir him. It was pandemonium. He never twitched.

Limitededition and JustHavinABreak I'm with you in the neglectful club. Poor DS with his cold baby wipes, occasional sun exposure and unrecorded feeding on demand.

Didn't cry for vaccinations either - I'm far too pragmatic. DH would have been more of a mess than me, hence wasn't allowed to come.

Haha, I love these!

Reading them has also jogged my memory of some more:
Even while I was pregnant, I would never watch anything with arguing on the TV in case the baby heard it. I still don't, and once dd is in bed we watch anything with loud noises very quietly in case it scars her (?!).
I also used to document dd's every feed, which side and duration for months. Also the exact times she woke up/went to sleep and every nappy change. I still often document what food she eats every day for some reason.
I'm currently getting paranoid about cleaning/bath products and want to make my own, and preferring to buy wooden toys now. I have no idea where this has come from, as I never really cared before!
I also won't wear perfume in case dd breaths it in.
Dh used to be obsessed with her soft spot on her head, and worrying we would dent it if we didn't hold her amazingly gently.
I remember calling my mum in tears as there was a tiny bit of blood when dd's umbilical cord came off, to me it looked like a river of blood!

...oh my goodness, writing this all down is making me feel a bit weird. I need to relax a bit.

Today I called 999 because my five year old (PLB) trapped his finger in a Nerf Gun.

Tbf it was awful, he'd caught it in a sprung 'door' bit and was hysterical. I couldn't release it, couldn't work out the mechanism and just basically panicked. I was the only adult in the house.

Lovely lovely 999 operator who was more concerned about me talked calmly to me while I fiddled about with the gun and tried to calm ds2 down.

It just suddenly, thankfully, pinged open. His finger was fine, just a bit red. The operator said 'do you still need an ambulance?' and I burst into tears and apologised for wasting his time.

I am USELESS in a crisis and all I could think was that my precious baby was going to lose his finger. Massive overreaction.