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Original poster

PFB confessions...

207 replies

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 11:41

Just filled in PFB's "All about me" booklet for starting preschool in five weeks. It has a double-page spread for family photos - comfortably fits about four. I've painstakingly wedged in eleven. PFB grinning. PFB dancing. PFB shoveling food in his face. Then there're sections for writing about what PFB loves, hates, and is good at, word clouds to circle about his personality, tick boxes for how he learns/explores, all that kind of thing. Overall, I have pored over every question and written a carefully considered thesis. The staff going to take one leaf through this and make some (probably fairly accurate) conclusions. And yet, I cannot stop myself. In fact, I am ready to burst into tears at the very thought of taking him in on his first day with his little book all about him clutched in his hands.

Please cheer me up and tell me I'm not the only one who has done/is doing stuff like this. What's your most OTT PFB moment?

(PS. We have twins on the way so I imagine three years from now I'll be howling with laughter at my current self.)

OP posts:
hungrywalrus · 19/03/2017 16:52

We used a hairdryer on the cool setting to dry baby's arse. Admittedly it was also because he liked the sound and it stopped him screaming like a banshee.
Also on day 2 DH goes " I think Ds is really smart " I laughed and laughed at him.

ALemonyPea · 19/03/2017 16:56

DS1 was not allowed crisps of any sort until he was over 1. DS3, in comparison, was practically weaned on wotsits.

When I went back to work after having DS1, MIL was looking after him for me to save on childcare. I wrote a 5 page A4 instruction manual on his likes and dislikes, what times he needed fed, what to give him etc and also had a diary for her to record his nappy changes and his naps.

Original poster
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 16:58

lost I certainly don't mean this thread to imply that you can somehow only be a "proper" parent if you have more than one - I'm not even really sure how you've arrived at this conclusion. And I certainly don't use it to mean that these experiences are somehow unimportant. But they are funny, and they are, in my view, simply a rite of passage, like first days at school and first best friends and first fall-outs and first graduations and whatnot. Some people will do these several times and arguably only the first time can be truly special in its uniqueness. There's a lot to smile about with our first, regardless of whether that first is also our last. For a while there we thought our PFB was also our last too, and there's a chance our twins pregnancy may not work out. Whatever the case, whether they arrive or not, he was before, and will always be my PFB.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 19/03/2017 17:01

I agree lost. And from a slightly different perspective, I have 3 DCS and have been batshit about all of them.

We had parents evening for DC3 last week. I was pissed off and very tearful as when we were discussing our concerns (that we BOTH have) about DC3, DH wasn't positive enough about him for my liking. Sad

I have a whole document about how to look after DC1, it includes the helpful information that "his toothbrush is the little one". Well thank goodness you told 'em that, Balloon, cause they'd never have been able to work it out for themselves! Hmm

LoveDeathPrizes · 19/03/2017 17:04

Oh, it's previous first born? I thought it was precious fucking baby!! Same answer applies though.

Chrismino · 19/03/2017 17:10

My first wasn't allowed juice only water no telly no sweets and chocolate etc etc weaned on Annabel Karmel etc I remember once going to library and there was this tunnel where kids climbed under and I wouldn't let her incase she got stuck now I laugh when I see it.

wigglybeezer · 19/03/2017 17:12

My PFB left home today...sniff. He had to have his haircut really short for his new job and i had real trouble throwing the clippings away, in the end i put a lock in beside another from his first haircut in my keepsake box (not as creepy as the container with all the baby teeth in).

Minesril · 19/03/2017 17:45

I was all ready to snigger at the warming of the baby wpes...then i remembered that i used to dip them in a bwol of hot water. Only until he was about 4 months though!

SockQueen · 19/03/2017 17:52

People doing the head-banging thing, surely the surface itself is only part of the equation? You have to make sure you hit your head on it with exactly the same speed/force as PFB in order to assess if it's safe or not. Wink

I'm a bit sad that I can't think of any crazy things that I do!

TaliDiNozzo · 19/03/2017 18:00

OMG the warming the wipes is hilarious!

Pretty sure I did some crazy shit with DS, thankfully it's not coming to mind right now as I'm sure I'd be horribly embarrassed!

hmmwhatatodo · 19/03/2017 18:03

I honestly cant think of any 'pfb' moments I ever had.

Op, the staff don't have the time to properly digest all the info you are writing in the all about me book and nor do they care if he loves asparagus and really dislikes purple sprouting brocolli. However, such booklets provide the staff with a good old laugh when it turns out that the 'extremely clever Archie already knows how to count to 10 and can write his name' cant actually count beyond 3 and refuses to go anywhere near a pencil :)

Sorry! Oh, as as for the 11 photos - you know you are already signing yourself up for 'that parent' don't you??? :)

RandomDent · 19/03/2017 18:13

I used to set the baby monitor in the lounge when I went to the kitchen. Five steps away.

Lostwithinthehills · 19/03/2017 18:20

For I didn't mean to annoy you, I was just trying to explain why I dislike 'PFB'. Having said that you did seem say that you would be able to laugh at yourself in three years time because you have more children on the way. I don't mean to derail a lighthearted thread.

KatieScarlett · 19/03/2017 18:22

It's precious first born

EdmundCleverClogs · 19/03/2017 18:26

People doing the head-banging thing, surely the surface itself is only part of the equation? You have to make sure you hit your head on it with exactly the same speed/force as PFB in order to assess if it's safe or not.

I certainly do. A few times. Then I get extra paranoid that he didn't actually hit the flat bit I initially saw him bump, but some sharp edge about a foot away from the incident. I've stopped now, since the last time he actually took notice of me replaying the 'head bump moment' and gave me this Hmm look. If he's starting to notice my insanity need to check up on him, maybe it's time to calm down.

notanothernamechangebabes · 19/03/2017 18:37

I used to wipe my boobs with warm water before every feed, in case the residual milk droplets were a breeding ground for bacteria.

DS was feeding pretty much constantly, so any bacteria that had chance to colonise my nip would be so fucking extraordinarily talented, a splosh of warm water wouldn't dislodge it anyway.

notanothernamechangebabes · 19/03/2017 18:41

Also- obsessed with his neck being adequately supported. Used to google pictures of people holding babies and make sure me, DP, DM (who has had 2 babies, and raised 6 step kids) and myself were all holding him correctly Hmm in the early days I was genuinely afeared his neck might break should his head loll for a second.

Didn't use any bath products for 4 months- despite his hair smelling like a chip pan. I wanted his skin to have chance to acclimatise to the world without parabens...

notanothernamechangebabes · 19/03/2017 18:41

I've got tonnes more but I'm sounding fully insane. So stopping Blush

Topseyt · 19/03/2017 18:44

I am sure I did plenty of pfb stuff with DD1. I do remember panicking if a dummy fell onto the floor, and would only give her another sterilised one. I didn't worry about that with DD2, much less with DD3.

If I remember more I will post them.

glueandstick · 19/03/2017 18:49

I have never dettol wiped a supermarket trolley. Never. Perhaps just once or twice

FATEdestiny · 19/03/2017 18:50

My PFB was not allowed any screens until aged 7, and even then it was very limited.

My ILB (indulged last born - fourth and last child) is currently 2 and can open and navigate around the kids kindle with ease, on her own.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/03/2017 18:58

I remember the post here on MN of a distraught mother who had dropped an iPhone on her PFB. She and DH had spent the evening dropping the iPhone in their own face, just to see how much it hurt. Grin

I think she was satisfied after a few posts on that thread that her baby will be fine. I PMSL imagining 2 people whacking themselves in the face with their phones though.

Original poster
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 19:23

lost Please don't feel that I was annoyed. It was more confusion. Perhaps there's a deeper cultural history to PFB than the one I'm familiar with. I suspect that whether the twins arrive or not, in three years I will still look back and howl with laughter at myself, just because time and experience alone will help me to relax and see things with a better perspective. And if there are twins, I imagine it will come from both that and a massive drop in standards because I simply won't be able to operate at this level of neurosis without bursting several major organs. You say that you've been a calm first-time parent - some of us definitely aren't and I think it's healthy to occasionally inspect and even poke fun at our own OTT behaviour. We can acknowledge that it's a bit daft without feeling isolated in our various foibles. But more importantly, please don't feel that this is somehow based on a sense of superiority for having more children (if indeed I get there). I definitely don't want you to feel excluded because you didn't feel this way. Actually I wish I was more like you. There's a lot to be said for not feeling compelled to google every single symptom your child has ever developed and endlessly concluding that they really have contracted Mad Avian Pox, for really real this time.

A peace offering in case I offended: Flowers

OP posts:
Februaryrat · 19/03/2017 19:25

I microwaved cucumber for my firstborn because it had come out of the fridge and I thought it might be too cold for her mouth / tummy.

Second born has shared the cat's breakfast on more than one occasion.

Original poster
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 19:29

Oh the dettoling of the trolley… I may have compelled a poor, harassed Burger King worker to hand over his bottle of cleaner and some fresh tissues so I could wipe down the baby chair - every last bit of it, legs and back included - myself so that I knew it was clean. Poor eighteen year old just watched me with a Confused expression on his face. After that I ensured that I always carried both baby and antiseptic wipes.

You can imagine my reaction the day he announced to me that he was eating a shreddie, after we hadn't had shreddies in the house for months, and when I asked him where he'd got it from, he triumphantly pointed under the crusty, cobwebby recesses of the sofa…

OP posts: