To thinkbeing in care, as a child, doesn't mean I'll be a bad mum

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I feel I am treated with hostility for this,and it upsets me.Can anyone explain why?

I suppose we are quite isolated but I don't care. I'm certainly not going to be signing up to parenting classes or reading books because I had a crap childhood.

I do know what you mean about people making assumptions about children in care. I am a foster carer and went on a course recently and everyone was told exactly when the children should be applying for the dole and to be put on the housing list. As if it's just a given that they all end up in a council flat with no job. I know that for various reasons a lot of them will but surely we should start off aiming for them to go into further education or employment!

My two have been with me 3 years, since they were 5 and 6, and my hopes for me and them are the same as any other parent I imagine - to support them through school and onto whatever comes next and to provide a home until they choose to leave it. I will not be encouraging them to sign on the dole unless there are good reasons for them not to work!

Things could all go wrong with our relationship when they hit the teen years but I like to think I'll always be there for them and that if and when they have their own children they'll be able to name me as part of their support network.

Good luck OP. Your baby doesn't have your childhood, it has its own, and I'm sure you'll give it a lovely one.

I'm certainly not going to be signing up to parenting classes or reading books because I had a crap childhood.

but

I had a perfectly fine childhood.
I still felt a need to read books on parenting, to discuss issues with other parents, etc. 10 years on I still do. It isn't a sign of weakness.

Being socially and emotionally isolated from anyone other than your partner, and being unwilling to make external links, is a cause for concern. You might be fine, but I can see why HV would be worried.

I'm certainly not going to be signing up to parenting classes or reading books because I had a crap childhood.

Well, if you don't want to help yourself, why bother posting on here saying that you feel like you are treated with hostility.

No bloody wonder if you won't consider self-improvement for the sake of your child.

your assuming my child needs me to improve myself though because I was i care which is a bit unfair flappin

kits thanks i wish you had been my foster parent!

It's not only people who were in care who need to read parenting books or get support and advice from other parents or professionals OP. We aren't born with the knowledge. Where else do you intend to get it from?

Uh, no I am not.

You said that you felt you were being treated with hostility by HV, Midwives and doctors - I suggested ways to appease them. If you aren't willing to take up options to appease people who you think are being hostile towards your parenting for whatever reason, that's a fucking huge warning sign to everyone. You come across as not giving a shit.

No where have I said anything is to do with the fact you were in care.

well i don't know anybody who has been on a parenting course

I don't want to appease them, they can think what they want. If i went on a parenting course they would just think I was rubbish and needed it. It's not i don't give a shit more i don't have to prove myself to anybody.

i don't have to prove myself to anybody.

Actually, if there are concerns then yes, you do.

concerns that I've been in care? Well sorry but if they seriously expect me to go on a parenting course because I've been in care despite the fact we are home owners, both working, non smoking, child healthy and meeting all normal developmental milestones - if they are going to take the child away because of "lack of support" i think that's nonsense sorry

No, concerns about your parenting. Which is what you are implying in this thread.

I couldn't care less whether you've been in care, or not been in care. Shit parents exist across the spectrum of their own childhood-care scenarios.

If you are doing everything right then I don't see why people are being hostile. This isn't just one person, this is the entire team of people involved with safeguarding your child who you perceive are being hostile to you. How old is your child?

"the fact we are home owners, both working, non smoking" - these don't mean parents are good caregivers for their children.

"child healthy and meeting all normal developmental milestones" These are slightly better indicators but not still don't necessarily mean everything is fine on the parenting front.

I haven't implied that in this thread, all i've said is that they keep banging on about me needing support and when I say I haven't got it apart from my husband they get all cross.

I am or was finding some stuff hard. So I did feel last week like it was unfair as I wanted to talk to someone but I won't talk to them as I am judged. But dh is right don't really need anyone else.

Well if they "keep banging on about me needing support" maybe you need some from other sources.

Just a thought. That you won't entertain, despite the fact it could be in the best interest of your child if you did.

Just to say, I've been on two parenting courses. My husband and I are also home owners, non smokers, both have degrees and professional jobs. I also have three children and the courses were great and helped me hugely. So, don't knock them.

As someone who was in the care system from a young age and was a teen mum. If they are being more hands on towards you they have reason to do so.

I was removed due to abuse and yet at every booking in appointment I have to declare I was in care yet nothing more has ever come of it and it's never been mentioned since, I have minimal HV appointments in fact I haven't seen once since my daughter was two months until this week at a year of age and she is the youngest of three and all three it has been the same.

You have to jump though their hoops and sing to their sheet that shows that you will take advice and are listening. Being grumpy about it and refusing to engage will just add to their reasons to observe you further. You will be your own enemy.

To be honest it's your baby they care about not how you feel about their involvement the angrier you become you prove their point.

flappin maybe that would be nice if there was any but there isn't so no point keep bringing it up. Just makes me feel bad.

wee Im not knocking them but what you feel comfrtable doing with your background and what I feel comfortable doing with mine are different.

they don't observe me. I just mean that it means now I do need them and I cant use them and that's hard.

There are other sources of help, you are choosing to not engage with them. Huge difference. Please stop telling yourself lies.

I don't think I am, i think some of you on here have decided Im a rubbish mum and am under observation from h/c professionals and Im not. I just wish I could admit to feeling a bit low without being shouted at for having no support!

From a brief look I will admit I haven't read the full thread you have no support at all apart from your husband that makes you very isolated and tbh in their eyes open to abuse.

Yes SS can be shit when I needed them as a child in care they didn't give a shit even though I was going though a major life event and clearly traumatised from it but most of the time they mean well.

Nobody has said you are a shit mum we don't know you. However the professionals feel/felt you need more support than purely a husband.

No I know but i mean people have the wrong impression, is all. People think Im being monitored and I'm not. The professionals can feel that way all they want, but I cant make peple appear out of thin air lol

EVERY CHILD IS MONITORED.

And you don't have to make people appear out of thin air, you need to engage with the support available to you and the options provided in this thread.

I know, I was explaining to people who are saying they'll take my child off me if I don't "engage" when actually i can't engage as they don't want me to do anything. Anyway no there is no support. Baby groups fine but these are just chats. Go swimming once a week, well dh does.