To thinkbeing in care, as a child, doesn't mean I'll be a bad mum

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I feel I am treated with hostility for this,and it upsets me.Can anyone explain why?

I had some of this with HV and MW after a move.

Events conspired against us - and we had to move areas for work with a very young baby. This was enough for us to be labelled vulnerable.

My previous experience with HV and MW was fantastic a great source of support - very different in new area. We both have very solid background married highly educated 30's - didn't matter.

If I disagree with the "advice" I was label difficult - even when I could prove it was against current NHS advice. I learnt to smile and nod.

I've read on here they can't just turn up on the door step - they kept doing that to me then complaining if I was out - out at groups trying to build a support network.

They were useless with local information or any support.

In end spoke to family - not really in position to help- but they made huge effort to be at HV appointment and weigh in - was enough to give appearance of support so they stopped the door stepping and backed off.

Problem was then label being there - next pg and later over zealous child centre staff member just done safe guarding training over hearing conversion and reporting couple of us as "not coping" - but due to label in notes I got knock on door - left me paranoid but older children at school/nursery and they had no concerns so quickly dealt with.

Thanks. I just feel a bit rubbish. Maybe because Mother's Day is approaching which is a bit of a trigger time for me. I just wish Icould feel a bit more normal!

You haven't had the baby yet?
When you do you may find you do have "something" in common with other mothers, even if most of them are unlikely to become your new best friend. But some may do - there is nothing like adversity to build friendships.

Good luck!

I'm sorry if my previous post asking if your DH worked camed across as judgy - I was trying to establish if you would be on your own in your home while he was at work. Because those hours can seem long.

A really good comeback if you feel threatened is 'what do you suggest?'. This shows them that you're engaging, and turns the responsibility back to them to come up with solutions.

Here are some possible solutions to getting a new network:

1. Rekindle old friendships is possible.
2. Are there antenatal classes you can go to to meet others?
3. As I said earlier, research baby groups, or baby activities. You dont have to go to them, but if you know they're there, and if the mood takes you then you have that option. Are there any facebook groups? Mumsnet meetups? Do you know your neighbours?

It has to come from you really, they cant find a network for you. I struggled a bit at the baby group I was assigned to (am in another country so slightly different set up and expectations). They were all local and had known each other for donkey's years. I was a first timer and foreign, and one of them spoke with such a thick accent that I couldnt understand much of what she said. I felt it was very superficial and as soon as we all went back to work then all contact stopped. Did I make life long friends? No. Did it get me out of the house for a few hours every other week? Yes. Was that beneficial? Yes. Dont write off the whole lot of baby groups before you've even tried.

I just wish Icould feel a bit more normal! What would make you feel normal? You dont like the idea of counselling - have you had any help or therapy to come to terms with what you went through? It just sounds as if it still occupies quite a lot of your thoughts and the way that you relate to the world.

Thanks. I have had the baby. Red no don't worry I was probably being a bit defensive. I thought you were imagining a couple who didn't work or leave the house much. We both work. I'm in 3 days a week he works full time. I just don't really like meeting other mums much. As it highlights how different our life is.

Different can be interesting!

I think you fear being judged but you can be anyone you want to be - or you can be yourself!

Op none of my questions were assumptions. You asked if your baby would be taken away. But you hadn't posted anything that would suggest you were at risk of them doing so. So i wondered if there was more to it than you just don't see your family. They were a genuine question about some (not all) of the types of things that might worry professionals if they were present now. They were not an accusation that because you grew up in care that you must be drug abusing drunkard living in a grotty home.

I apologise if it wasn't clear. But I was unsure why your upbringing alone would make hcp hostile to you.

From your further updates it seems that you and your husband have no risk factors at all. But you have few friends that you could lean on, no family of your own, and your dh's family isn't much help. So all you have is him. He has been enough for you up until now, not all of us need a big social group. But bear in mind that a child will be hard work for him as well as you. And can be socially isolating for new fathers as they adjust to the demands of a new person totally dependent on them.

Maybe just look to see if you are over interpreting their questions. Seeing accusations where there are none. Because that could raise your hackles, in turn make you seem defensive, like there is something to hide. Which will make them suspicious, they will ask more questions, you'll get more upset. And all that has happened is a misunderstanding at the start.

It looks to me that you're isolating yourself in some ways. You won't visit groups or the children centres, you've made assumptions that other mums aren't like you so somehow this means you can't talk to them? It's basically you and your DH vs the world.
I'm not surprised your HV is pushing tbh.

I was in care and for a long long time I held back part of myself from others as I felt so different. I didn't have the "normal" family background. But I grew to realise that it didn't matter.

You should go out and try things like baby groups. Don't like them? Try something else. You can but keep trying. I found life difficult with a baby and I remember being so desperate for company when ds got to 4/5 months so I forced myself to make an effort.
I didn't make friends for life but I at least found mums to talk to. We spoke about our babies anyway.

I found your response about counselling quite telling - you don't want to because you're not a bad person? Counselling doesn't mean you are a bad person. It just helps you think about your past and deal with things now. Having a child, especially when you've been in care etc, uncovers some feelings which can be difficult. For example I constantly question my ability to parent.

Do you have many friends?

HVs do do that to people, whether you have been in to care or not, if you are a bit sensitive to something like baby's weight or here support network.
I think that you need to take some responsability for your own feelings OP and decide what/if you want to do something about it. HVs work for the interest of the children (doesn't mean they are always right), it's you who decides to avoid them. The HV is not going to lie to you so what they say is agreeable to you, that would be wrong (and yes support network is a bit of a leitmotiv, just node and move on to the things you actually wanted to talk about, I have had that as well as DH and I are from abroad so no family in the UK and when they visit they are bloody awful anyway

I had a violent, psychotic mother and an alcoholic, passive-aggressive father. By rights, I should be repeating the pattern. I am a loving, hyper-vigilant parent with three kids who feel safe, loved and healthy. They have very clear boundaries, good manners and are socially happy. Screw the stereotypes, you will be the mother you wish to be.

Total respect and big hugs to you!!!

and they make it clear that they hate you

Stating that they hate you is very dramatic. You need to understand that all of you want the same thing and that's what's best for your baby.

I think you have a chip on your shoulder. You need to realise their 'disapproval' is actually concern. And the more resistant you are (I suspect you have a bad attitude towards them) the less productive your relationship with these professionals will be.

Work with them, not against them. Why don't you see this as a challenge, a chance to shatter their preconceived notions about mothers who have been in care.

Problem is I can't do much about any of those things

Actually, yes you can. First you need to change your attitude though. My partner was in care (and has lost a baby from a previous relationship to SIDS), I had a horrific childhood and everyone is open with us that questions and concerns will be raised if I got pregnant. It's not the right time for us due to various things, but we've engaged with professionals and have taken their advice. I was pregnant last year but sadly we lost the baby - that being said the professionals (and their concerns) were all lovely, but I think that's because I have worked my socks off to engage with them.

Instead of building a family support network, build a friend's and professionals one.

Read everything you can about positive parenting, attachment parenting, connected parenting - ask to do a parenting course now. Go to NCT classes and ask questions.

Make sure your relationship is stable and loving, don't fall out with professionals, take their advice, listen to them, work with them not against them.

No, it does not mean they are going to take your baby away from you, but they will be looking to see if you are showing any signs of not going to be able to care for the needs of a baby.

Having a difficult start in life can lead to problems reading other people's emotions. It's possible you are picking up signs of hostility and criticism which aren't there. I imagine from what you say that you are pretty sorted, and actually among the clients they are less concerned about. Try and relax around the professionals- they are not gagging at the opportunity to have a go, it's much easier for them if we are all doing fine! Much less paperwork!

I truly hate the support network expression. Why can't it be called friends???? I had PND with my first child. My now estranged narcissistic mother said to me "stop crying".

Which is neither here nor there. It was so tough having a baby. But Homestart, baby groups, children's centre, library group ... I don't know but there's stuff around. (Obviously if you're nowhere near any of those I apologise!!!) ... Plus you have your husband's family etc. Plus really good luck.

I wonder if there's anyone else on the thread who like me and the OP didn't have a "support network" that actually managed to find one by going to e.g. baby groups? Don't get me wrong, the playgroups were great for us when my twins were little and there were a few mums who I really liked and had a laugh with, and even the occasional playdate and stuff - but I'd have felt uncomfortable asking them to do me a favour, babysit or anything like that - 20 minutes a week of rushed conversation between chasing a couple of toddlers wasn't enough to build that level of friendship, and most of them had their own support network already so they weren't looking for that sort of thing.

Sorry kenny that last q wasn't directed at you.

I think there are different levels to "support network". Baby groups are great for meeting and talking to people going through the same boat as you. Friends and neighbours are great for popping in for 15 minutes whilst you shower, good friends, family, relatives, could do slightly more. Than there's professionals that you can talk to.

I wonder if there's anyone else on the thread who like me and the OP didn't have a "support network" that actually managed to find one by going to e.g. baby groups?

Did with my first - move in pg - most people like us had moved there so people were wanting to be friends and help each other out - plus HCP were much more aware not everyone had family around.

Next place fully expected the same but no one really wanted to know nearly everyone had grown up there - so had loads of friend they went to school with and family. Beyond quick chats no-one really wanted to know. HCP couldn't seem to grasp not having people to leave the children with - and were frequently quite nasty about it.

We had quite a bit go wrong there - and it was DH and I - even in emergencies. I found it easier when we accepted that and got on with stuff. HV never wanted to hear that though.

I truly hate the support network expression. Why can't it be called friends????

Because they aren't necessarily the same thing. I had my son in London after years doing an international commute interspersed with periods living in other countries, so my friends are scattered all over the world. All both our families in another country. The couple of people I considered friends in London by the time I gave birth lived about an hour and a half from us by public transport, so it wasn't a dropping in/seeing frequently type of relationship. When DH was away for work and I had to admit myself to A and E in agony in the middle of the night with a four-month-old in my arms, there was no one I could have left him with, and had my husband not managed to jump on a flight before the hospital staff had figured out what to do, my baby would have had to go into temporary foster care because I was semi-conscious on a trolley in a corridor.

Now I live in a village where I haven't in fact made new friends my tribe don't seem to live in the vicinity but I do have a support network in the sense that there are several people (neighbours, DS's childminder, DS's friends' parents) who could be called in an emergency to take care of DS. So my friends and my support network aren't the same set of people.

That's a really good point, knife. (Sorry about that!) I have several neighbours whose name and address I have written out for DCs if I have had to go away. They are support network- one would be great at helping with the dog, one if the electricity randomly went off, another if you were ill etc.

None of them are particularly good friends, but they would all offer support. I've supported neighbours with emergency childcare or emergency moral support, as I'm known to be CRB/DBS checked to the hilt.

Op. A very good friend of mine once had a bit of a rant at a HV it pretty much consisted of

"HA support what's that, I'm doing everything all by myself sometimes I don't even have time to get dressed and I can't even leave the house to do anything"

What happened next for her was a shit storm of almost epic proportions.

In reality she was just having a very bad day and couldn't see the real situation.
She has at least 4 friends who she talks to and sees several times a week and every single one is very supportive and more than qualified to be so (one is one of her areas most senior SW) she leaves the house every day even if it's just to go to the green to play with her kids.

But she was full of cold feeling crap and she misunderstood the questions she was being asked, she thought she was being asked solely about the kids dad and her family and she thought she was being asked about going out by herself.

Is it possible you have just done what she did and just pictured the support she means as something that can only come from family?
Or are you legitimately that isolated?

Why do you think your life, now, is so different to the mums at baby groups? You work, you're married, you say you have a lovely home, you don't take drugs, etc. You're probably very similar to them.

You had a different childhood, but you've made very clear that that's not your life anymore, so why let your past dictate your present?

sockamnesty IDK about the OP's situation but it's really, really easy to be in a position where you have no friends or family support. When our kids were born we lived in London, having moved there for work and we had no family within 300 miles. All our friends were through work, hence most of them were at work, and even my friends with kids were all spread out around London and the nearest one was 10 miles away which equates to a 50 minute car journey. Our neighbours were nice but again all out at work all day, except the one elderly neighbour who was caring for her husband.

Also, just for comparison, I Iive in a nice area, both DP and I are well educated professionals, good jobs, nice home, blah blah blah. I was also asked about drug use/abuse, drinking, smoking, domestic violence and the much vaulted "support network".

tooMuch

You see your situation as having no support but someone else could view it as having support but you not identifying it as such.

A lot of things are different dependant on how we view them.

Support doesn't just have to be from someone related or near by or even hands on practical. It can be verbal it can be emotional it could just be seeing another human face that belongs to an adult who quite likes you.