To thinkbeing in care, as a child, doesn't mean I'll be a bad mum

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I feel I am treated with hostility for this,and it upsets me.Can anyone explain why?

One person, your OH to support you and no-one else. I kind of get where they are coming from. I do see your side too..but they will be thinking " what if" if OH say had to work away, was ill etc. Would you not have a single person to lean on? That's a big responsibility and the reluctance to engage in baby groups etc will look like you're isolated. I was determined to be just me, OH and kids but I was so glad that in an emergency I could call on friends to help.

I'm sure your early childhood experiences will have no impact on your mood or relationship with your baby

What a stupid ignorant judgmental thing to fucking say. Really really fucking stupid. Op many many people have had negative experiences in childhood. But it isn't documented and it doesn't follow people around like it does for you. It's also not compulsory to attend these groups.

What do you think might help then?

No, oddsocks what is ignorant is to imagine that we're not affected by our childhood and that one man by our side is enough to keep our family content.

If you've only got one man then that's all you have got.

It's like saying "two bedrooms isn't enough space."
So should everyone in a 2 bed house not have a family? OK bad example but you know what I mean. You work with what you've got. Ive got Dh.

I get how you feel Daisy- I can't stand it when people make assumptions about me or tell me what to do. You can, and probably will, do a great job. The services are there in case you struggle, and they need to keep an eye on it to know if you are struggling or not.

Sometimes being a parent, having a baby, is triggering. They are standing at the ready just in case. We didn't have support near by, no family, just friends (met at baby group) who were also under pressure. We managed though it was hard.

I get cross too when I hear people going on about their lovely mothers, or how they get no time to themselves (except when their mum baby sits once a week). My mum isn't like that.

Try not to shut everyone out, it helps to share the load a bit.

They are obviously worried you'll be isolated especially if your dh is saying we don't need anyone else, it sounds like he is coming across defensive. Having a baby can be so very hard for anyone especially if it's colicy or reflux or poor sleeper. You are sometimes in survival mode for weeks and it can test the strongest relationship. You need support from hv gp midwives other mums friends baby groups. Especially when your dh returns to work.

What you need to ask them is where they think you can get support from since family isn't possible. Friends? Antenatal and post natal classes? Throw it back to them with those suggestions. If they keep saying support but giving no examples or help then just tell them you don't feel very supported by them.

PhilODox, that's pretty normal. people lie. Everyone around here has to do the blow test for that reason too. Since smoking can cause complications they would test to ensure liars are picked up and babies can be more thoroughly checked through pregnancy.

I've got DH
Good
You Don't have to go to everything. There's a wide range of stuff available. You might find you enjoy some things. Or your baby might like some things.

Dhs been back at work a while, so have i although part time. Thanks, pickleme :)

Believe me it's good to have someone just to text who gets it, like other mums with same age babes. I remember sobbing in the bathroom when my dc wouldn't stop howling. Dh and I were both so sleep deprivedand sniping at each other. Hearing my other mum friends from antenatal confess the same was such a relief.

No, oddsocks what is ignorant is to imagine that we're not affected by our childhood and that one man by our side is enough to keep our family content.

Well then we're all fucked aren't we. And by your logic single mothers with no extended family are particularly fucked as are adult orphans and people living away from their families. Some people just don't like these groups, or they're introverted and just don't enjoy it. Not wanting to attend groups or not having a support network doesn't mean someone is going to be a bad parent.

Maybe. Its not for me but thanks.

oddsocks'i did not say the things you are accusing me of having said.

Hi OP, im not going to use the s word, but you said both you and your dh work? Do you have any friends or motherly type colleagues you can chat with? Just for basic stuff like how thich do you reckon babies blankets should be?

You can always come on here for advice, but if you feel lonely its not the best, and it can get lonely- do you have any hobbies you like to do?

It doesnt all have to be baby classes and mum with bumps groups - god knows i found them tedious, but there was rhyme time at the nursery which was good.

Basically, its making sure youve got a plan b set up if it all goes tits up - who can you call in a pinch, I get that the health visitors questions can get under your skin - but dont let that affect your confidence, you sound more than capable, its just telling them what your plan b looks like.

I used to have a lot of friends at work but a lot have moved on now

Can you not text them ask how they are doing

Do you fear rejection ? Maybe not but really has held me back that fear and other times it drives

Be easier not to have it but it's there and lingers about I have to work with it

I used to have a lot of friends at work but a lot have moved on now

it is hard when friendships change or end.
I think a lot of people experience this when they have children.

Are they still local? Could you give them a bell for a catch up?

If socialising isnt your thing, is there anything non baby you enjoy doing? Reading, cinema, swimming?

Its basically working out how you can still do those things when you need a break, maybe thats looking into a mothers help type person to give you and your dh something out of the house to release some stress?

It could be a walking group, strap up the baby and get out in the fresh air?

What do you like doing?

Op I think partly the problem is speaking to professionals does make you feel like that little kid in care again. Everything gets lost in translation so that you just feel berated instead of supported.

Try being more assertive with them. If they say what support you have state something like 'I am aware at the moment I have a limited support network and I'm open to trying to expand that network to make sure I'm supported. Do you have any advice on how I can expand my support network? I'm afraid I don't have any family or friends I can call on at this time'

Don't try and get wound up be questioning that goes around in circles. Don't let your frustrations shut you out from hv and mw. Remember at the end of the day everyone has your child's best interest as the top priority.

Good grief if you keep getting told you won't be able to do it, then you won't.

But look how far you've come with a very difficult start. You've got a job, a wonderful dh and now you're starting a family. Good for you.

There's no reason you can't make this work too. In your own way. You might need more support but you might not.

As I said in my previous post, I had a bad start but I've got a good job, brilliant dh and I'm a good mum.

I made friends through toddler and newborn groups. And they're my support network. You'll find your own way.

Writing people off because of shit that happened to them when young really irks me. People who make a life despite of that are warriors

I believe in you Op. Use support if you need it, that is really important, but have confidence in yourself too. You have a lot to offer a child that your life experiences have given you.

I get where you're coming from and have never been in care. I'm foreign and found plenty of the midwives and HVs at once meddlesome and critical, but without offering constructive or positive advice.

Lots of use of the word 'support' bandied around, but when you ask for positive suggestions on obtaining it, it's 'well, you can go to baby groups.'

I hate baby groups.

All solved when I went back to work. 'Well, I'm going back to work FT and she'll be at nursery.'

I think perhaps it would be useful to have a think about you do want. I agree that "going to baby groups" isn't a solution for many people. I hated all that, so I don't think it's a problem. However, what you need to figure out is how things will work for you and your family. Basically, I mean, what makes you happy? What do you enjoy? Do you have any hobbies? I'm not asking you to tell me btw, just giving suggestions. It can be isolating having a baby and that's not for someone who has left care but for anyone. As long as you look after your emotional wellbeing first, everything else will springboard off that. It's hard when you're in a group of people and statistically, things appear negative. However, it doesn't mean it has to happen in a negative way. It may just be that you need to be aware and make sure you take care of yourself too.

You sound terrified of making friends due to feeling in some way inadequate or inferior. You say other mothers and the things they say are triggering for you. They have nicer homes, better lives, will judge you....

Here's the thing, in groups or activities for babies and small DC you all have something in common which is obviously motherhood. Everyone has insecurity of some kind but yours is holding you back. You do sound as if you'd love friends yet cannot bear the idea of making any.

At some point you will have to engage or else risk isolating your DC. Children have parties which parents attend,mplaydates, chats at the school gate. Not everyone enjoys that stuff but it is the reality of parenthood.

Could you consider counselling via your GP to look at the way you are self protecting yet potentially self sabotaging?

And btw, as a hcp for a very, very long time I never once ever asked someone what they earned. Did this really happen or is at an example of you feeling judged even when an innocuous question is asked such as what is your job?

No. I have no interest in counselling. I'm not jealous of othermums because they have nicer homes than me. They don't. We have a lovely home. They have different experiences to me and cannot understand.

Thanks expat thats exactly what mine do.