To thinkbeing in care, as a child, doesn't mean I'll be a bad mum

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I feel I am treated with hostility for this,and it upsets me.Can anyone explain why?

I think smile and nod at the advice and then do what you want is what I have gone with so far. Obviously don't ignore the advice but there is a certain element of you know your situation best.

They told me I would want my mum to stay with me. I tried to argue that I didn't I would rather just do it with my husband. The midwife said the same stuff about 'needing support' so I just said something vague like I'll take that on board and think about it.

When the baby is here and you are clearly both fine they won't care.

I think you are getting a hard time too

It's hard for those who haven't been under the care system to sometimes understand that we want to break free from those chains that are put on us through no fault of our own and not be treated with sympathy or for others to have low expectations of us or suspicion when we do have children but to want to just be treated as others are. It felt like to me at times it was expected to some degree (I felt) that I would follow my mothers path (and I had by being single) but that is the only time it has

Only thing I would say don't let fear hold you back from gaining support be that from counselling (I know you said you didn't want it but one day it might feel right for you it might not) going to your GP or taking to your HV.

We ALL need support at some point and I think many of us no matter how strong and independent we are don't realise how isolating and difficult it can be having a little baby as well as it being wonderful.

Also suddenly having a tiny baby who you can't imagine ever not putting first, neglecting or protecting from harm becuase you are so overwhelmed with love for them and the feeling of protecting them can for some bring up some very difficult questions about their own parents (not always).

Confidence in yourself is hard to have when others are questioning you and you have had an extra hard time gaining it but needing support isn't a weakness or a bad thing it's something we all need at times

Best of luck

Discrimination about having been in care is very real and not ok.

Op it's not clear if you're on the receiving end of typical condescending remarks, or if there are direct references being made to you having been in care. If it's the latter I would ask for that information to be removed from your records and no further references to be made to it. You're a adult who's married, not a vulnerable child.

Enhusiasm thank youfor getting it.

Imnot saying a support network isn't useful.In fact I would like one! But i don't have one and that's just how it is.

The thing is, from your own posts:

• you don't want to go near parenting classes or counselling
• you won't go to baby groups
• you have no family on your side to support you
• you say your DH's family aren't much support
• you are finding everything very difficult
• you are finding it tough

Whether or not you have been in care, this would be ringing alarm bells for the professionals.

If you haven't got a close family you get support other ways:

• You go to baby groups to meet other Mums who can give you advice. You might not like the groups themselves, but go to enough and you find a couple of like minded friends.
• You use friends to give emotional support.

You give the impression here that you are hiding away, struggling with a baby, not meeting other people, not getting help from anywhere but your DH.

Now that might not be true, but you haven't said 'I don't have family but my best friend has a 2 yo and we see her weekly and she was really helpful when baby wasn't sleeping' for example.

So if it is true I can see why people are concerned for you, I am.

Idon't mind you saying that Teen as you've said it in a nice caring way, but if you'd said it in the way tehy say it it just sounds horrible. I mean, the circumstances you end up going into care are almost always badones so going on about it obviously brings back bad memories :(

It sounds as if having a baby has brought up a lot of stuff you'd left behind and that is tough. I strongly urge you to find some way of meeting a few other new mums locally and becoming just you, a normal new mum with a normal set of worries and everyday issues.

In other words, not a person defined by her past as the HV seems to have made you feel. I'm almost certain she doesn't want to upset you but if she sees you as socially isolated and resisting and kind of suggestions about widening your network she going to be worried.

It's a fact that care leavers suffer more depression and almost every sort of social deprivation there is. It most definitely doesn't mean you will but she does have a duty to be a little concerned.

So why not ask her what she suggests? You say you don't like children's centres but that's a pretty huge statement. Do they hold bad memories for you? Mums and babies do all need other human contact. Support doesn't have to be family but we all need someone. A friendly moan over coffee is just as supportive as practical help sometimes.

Is there a local MN group?

I don't know if it has really Matilda. I think some stuff is best when you just don't think about it.

I don't really like meeting other mums because their lives are so different to mine it makes me sad. Plus I worry a lot about meeting someone from my past.

Op you mentioned earlier that they shout at you. Who is shouting? What is actually being said about you having been in care?

Just saying you need support, you need support, over and over. Anyway it doesn't matter as I won't see them now lol. Just annoys me.

I think you'll be great. I had a disordered upbringing and you can learn from that about what not to do.

You'll know better than most that dc need consistency, love and basic needs always met. Not sometimes.

My support network is people I met through having dc. If you offer to help others by looking after dc, theyll help you back usually.

You'll be great. You sound resilient and sensible to me. It's not always easy but you're a lot more prepared for life not being easy than most.

Good luck. Youcan do it xx

You'll be fine and they're just meanies.
I'm sure your early childhood experiences will have no impact on your mood or relationship with your baby
And who needs support? I expect you have a wonderful DH, most men are marvellous at being supportive to their wives after having a baby, and even though his family are (in your words) not really supportive that this won't affect you or your baby one jot.
And why on earth would you want to go to groups? It's not like social isolation can have any negative affects on a mother's mood or her parenting.

cantthinkofausername your post is unnecessarily unpleasant in tone. Have you got anything useful to say to the op?

i don't have support, this is not a choice i have made it's just how things are. I do have a wonderful DH and he has said pretty much what you have only being sincere, that we can do it and don't need anybody else.

The op doesn't want to hear anything useful.
What posseses anyone to work with families or in health care? They must have the patience of saints.

There is support on here if you find you need it or just need to chat just sharing a burden can so often help

But do change your name not everyone is as supportive as they like to make out

And I made more friends after I had ds some know bits about my past others don't and they do not need to I am not just my past that damaged little girl that is part of me (that I will always feel very sad about and will always hurt for and yes it's easier to talk in third person about) but I am not defined by my past and really do not want any more sympathy so I tend to keep quiet about it

But yes when I see close supportive families it can hurt at times and feel it's unfair becuase it is but that's life at times and I accept that but it hurts less now I have my own little family

What posses anyone to work with families or health care

Empathy

Understanding why they feel this way

:/

I know you might not want to hear this but your dh saying 'we don't need anyone else' isn't helpful and is worrying.

You're right there is not much you can do immediately about increasing a support group. But I do think you would really benefit from attending classes where you can meet other women who are pregnant and attending baby classes.

No woman is an island...neither is any couple.

OP, my background is different to yours, but none of my/DH's family live nearby. I do, however, have some good friends in the same city, which was invaluable when DH was rushed to A&E too ill to talk coherently or explain what medication he'd taken recently when we also had a baby. Said friends also looked after the baby while I visited DH in hospital and coordinated his discharge. That could happen to anyone, and you will really need someone you can rely on to help in case something similar happens to you. It could be friends, work colleagues, neighbours etc.; it doesn't have to be other mums. I guess that's what health professionals mean by a support network.

The op doesn't want to hear anything useful
That crystal ball of yours must be a real asset.

The OP doesn't want to be helped

Well your kind of right except it's more "the OP can't be helped."

Imagine someone said poor children don't have great outcomes. so every time someone comes to your house or you need to see a doctor they remind you of this.

They say "how much do you earn" and when you tell them they tut and roll their eyes and look annoyed and tell you that your child is at a disadvantage.

They don't try to make suggestions as to how you can stop being poor they just want to berate you for it. That's kindof the situation I'm in. My mum died when I was very little, dad couldn't cope. Obviously my upbringing was tough. But I've got DH now, and he's so supportive. But when they speak tome I feel like a little helpless child again.

I mean in other words it's great advice going to baby groups but also what a lot of peopledont realise is it can be hard too, as many other mums talk about their mums, about innocuous stuff but it can be quite triggering for me in a weird way. And I was horrendously bullied at school so I do worry about bumping into anyone from that period.

No. You have been quite clear that you don't need additional support and you have no intention of engaging with childrens centres.
You can do as you please.
You cannot undo the past. But as with all of us, your childhood influences the parent you become.
If someone is offering avenues of support so that you can reach your full and fabulous potential as a mother it makes sense to be open minded about that.

I didnt say you didnt want to be helped.
Tbh, I imagine that you very much want to be helped but are terrified of being judged.
Being open with people about what might work for you verses what might piss you off is probably more useful than imagining your dh is right and you only need the two of you.

Which would be fine, if they were offering avenues of support, but they aren't.