To thinkbeing in care, as a child, doesn't mean I'll be a bad mum

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I feel I am treated with hostility for this,and it upsets me.Can anyone explain why?

Gamerchick, that doesn't seem very supportive

I know, it's the lols. It's not a funny topic. Along with the sparse information.

Or maybe I'm just getting old.

Don't be defensive! Would you prefer it if everyone ignored your past and you had no support??

They're going by things like the cycle of neglect, and you having no parenting role models, as a pp said. Best thing for you to do?
Ask for help when you need it
Don't be defensive
Read books on parenting so you are better prepared

Good luck.

My eldest sis had a very dysfunctional upbringing and got taken into care at a young age (she was adopted by my parents) She is a fantastic mother who would do anything for her kids so no, people shouldn't assume that someone in care can't be a good mum. She's far more relaxed and an 'earthmother' than I am :)

From what I've seen, they just try to figure out how much support a new mum is likely to need so they can provide the appropriate amount. I live a long way from my family, so have minimal support - my HV visited lots and made it very clear I could always go to her. I had visits from nursery nurses, weaning visits, safe sleeping visits... Not because they thought I couldn't parent well but because we were at higher risk because we didn't have family round us. I'd guess it's the same for care leavers, they're trying to give you the help other people might get from family. But at the same time they'll be used to hostility, which will increase their concern for the baby -they'll worry that a hostile/evasive parent won't take their advice seriously so they'll probably be more intrusive and checking up on you.

Having worked on care cases a lot my advice would always be to work with them, and show them they have nothing to worry about - not because you have to prove yourself but because you have nothing to hide!

I guess logically for reasons pp have pointed out hv etc may identify potentiall issues and in rl I know people where their childhoods have repeated with their children

Having said that in rl I also see examples of were it hasn't repeated and gone in the total opposite direction .

For me personally , I wasn't in care but other big issues I won't go into I parent the total opposite to how I was brought up not even by a conscious choice it's just not in me to be how they were I'm literally the opposite in my parenting and despite my concerns I wouldn't be maternal etc it came very easily to me ( not bragging have same struggles as most I just mean in the way I parent )

You are your own person op

Gamerchick, what you think OP is a troll? I think you're getting old tbh. 'Lol' for younger generation is like 'like' for mine, ie meaningless.

As someone mentioned, statistically, care leavers have poorer outcomes in a number of important areas e.g. health. It makes sense to ensure that people who have left care are therefore given enough support as they may not have received it in childhood.

No if I thought she was a troll I would just report i haven't btw.

I had a crap upbringing. I'm a good mum because I spend every day striving to be the opposite of the parents I had.

Your past doesn't define you but it shapes the person you become. My counsellor told me that there are two routes - repetition or breaking free. Those that repeat their parents behaviour often haven't dealt with their past and accepted it. Those that turn it around accept it was wrong and move forward.

It's shit but it doesn't stop you being a good mum - it just means you don't have a good example to work from.

Of course it doesn't.

I've seen some fucking brave parents who were leavers of care walk in to their local preschool when their child started there and say up front, I don't know how to play,
/read stories/ whatever with a toddler because I didn't get that experience, and have come to stay and plays to watch and make friends with other parents, gone on parenting courses and played alongside their child's keyworker to learn how.

They identified the need, they wanted and asked for help, they put in the time and effort and they learned how for their kid. What more can any good parent do?

Gamerchick, why the unkindness then?

Flowers you will be under the spotlight because of your unfortunate childhood experiences, and I understand your mistrust of the very same system which you found yourself in as a child. I have firsthand experience. As an adult who is about to start a family, I would hope you feel confident to be a loving parent and care for your child as society would expect, the way you missed out on! I'm not doubting you! Also, as pp said there is the question of the child's father, and of weather he is involved or not. These will all be brought up when you are being assesed. Sorry if I'm trying to teach my granny to suck eggs! You know the score when talking to authorities, only say what needs to be said.

gallivanting yes to be honest, I mean, lets say you were bullied at school and it was an unhappy time for you but you came through it. Would you want people bringing it up years later?

I don't see what a support network has to do with anything, its mine and Dhs baby not anyone elses.

My friend was in care, had her dd at 17 and is an amazing mum

Long term outcomes for care leavers are statistically very poor though- for health, educational attainment and socio economic status. Because of this it stands to reason to target support for parents who have been in the care system- no?

Of course, but the OP has said she is being treated with hostility. That doesn't sound very supportive.

Everyone needs support network! Even if it's to have a moan about your day - or baby isn't sleeping or you want suggestions for the pram -

It could be just someone to share a good day and a coffee.

It take a village to raise a child - that includes other parents health visitors and shools - doctors and speech therapist -

You know most parents haven't been in care - but will have used the services for children - hearing test A&E

Being a good parent is so know where and when to ask for help!

DDD, I do take your point about how it feels to you. It must be horrible to think they're watching to see if you make mistakes. I don't think it's meant like that - is there one of them that you get on better with than the others? If so, could you talk to them and say that you're finding it a bit overbearing?

And yes, it's absolutely your baby and nobody else's, but when he or she is here, it will be really helpful to have a few people you can call to say "what the hell do I do now?" - and a mix of friends and 'professionals' is a pretty good network to have.

One of my best friends had the most toxic childhood you can imagine - not in care but God only knows why not. She's an absolutely awesome mother, and she says she has had to make deliberate efforts not to parent the way she was parented. She's sought out a lot of help to do it, too.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby - and I hope you can manage the support offered so that it's what you want and need.

I have been a foster carer for many years, and in that time I have seen many children from horrific backgrounds make wonderful parents. Both those with and without support. Many are determined that their children should not have to go through what they did. Also they have known what NOT to do.

Although support can be needed, and accepted, I do know that for children who have been in care it is extremely difficult to accept help from agencies that they associate with the most difficult times of their lives. Help being needed because they often have no family support, and they also know that social workers would look unfavourably on them returning to the family home they were removed from as children, with their children. However, working with those agencies, accepting the support and taking their advice is actually the quickest way to "get them off your back" (using a term they would often use).

I have known some wonderful parents who have been in care themselves.

I wish you luck, OP.

As someone mentioned, statistically, care leavers have poorer outcomes in a number of important areas e.g. health. It makes sense to ensure that people who have left care are therefore given enough support as they may not have received it in childhood.

You are so right, wayfaying. However, it is just so very difficult for the parents to accept help and support from the very agencies they associate with the worse times in their lives. And however much they know intellectually that the agencies had done the right thing, emotionally there will always be an instinctive anger against them.

For instance one young man I am looking after at the moment (mid teens) is a delight. Clever, funny, kind, has a wonderful fun personality and a strong desire to do well at school and university. He has dealt with his past as well as any child I have fostered. Yet when his social worker visits, a lady who has done a great deal for him, he becomes sullen and angry. He knows he is this way, but it is is instinctive. Something in his subconscious is triggered whenever anyone else from children's services has any contact with him. So for the OP, and other young parents, I do understand how difficult it can be to work with the agencies that feel like the enemy. Though those that succeed the most are those who bite their lip and accept the help as graciously as possible.

Again, I wish you luck OP. Are you in contact with any past foster carers? I am always so pleased to help and support the young people I have fostered, when they reach adulthood. (Well, not everyone, I'm not a saint!!).

Of course it doesn't mean you'll be a bad mum, but you might need to put more thought into some things. Most people learn a lot about parenting from the people who raised them, and if you didn't have a very consistent upbringing (like if you were moved between foster carers a lot) you might find it tricky.

Support networks are important as well. My baby belongs to me and DH. But when DD2 was born, we needed a friend to look after DD1. My best friend also looked after both DDs when we went out to dinner on our wedding anniversary. When I was worried about giving birth, I spoke to my DM and to a friend who had a daughter a couple of months before me. These things don't make my daughters any less mine.

You said you're in your 20s, are you in your early 20s by any chance? My DM gave birth to me when she was 19, and she found the midwives and health visitors quite patronising, and someone else who was a "young mum" said something similar to me as well.

Twenty five so in the middle really :)

We don't have a support network but like I say it isn't anybody else's baby.

The thing is they aren't actually offering any help (not that I need or want it) but if I did just implying I'm different to other mums upsets me and makes me feel rubbish.

Statistically you are more likely to have your child removed.

I don't see what a support network has to do with anything, its mine and Dhs baby not anyone elses. Does DH work? What will you do if you are going out of your mind with a collicky baby? If you need a break? If you need a babysitter so you and dh can enjoy some time togsther? No one can have all of their needs met by one person. No network is a red flag for SS as is having been in care.

If you want them off your back then find out about every baby group in the area and start reading as many parenting books as you can.

Provided you ARE actually caring for your baby well, neither your personal history nor your engagement with professionals should be relevant. They are more involved because your history of being in care is a risk factor, but unless that translates into being unable to care for your child, they will not attempt to remove your child - why should they?

And we don't have much of a support network - it makes it harder, but it's not on your control so no-one expects you to 'fix' it.

*in