To thinkbeing in care, as a child, doesn't mean I'll be a bad mum

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I feel I am treated with hostility for this,and it upsets me.Can anyone explain why?

Are you sure you're being treated
With hostility, or are they just asking questions to check upon your welfare? I was in care, I had dd at 26 years old, I was asked a lot of questions to determine whether I was going to require extra support as statistically care leavers DO require extra support with babies. I had lots of support, and was fine but it was nice to know the hvs cared

You seem thoughtful and determined. My guess is they once you show them over a period that you buck the trend and can at satisfactorily care for your child, they will back off.

But see if from their point of view.

Those who have grown up in care are often those that have abused/neglected/ even killed a child. It's reported in the papers and one frequently reads that one or both of the parents grew up in care.

I registered just so I could comment.

I'm sorry you are being singled out like this. I actually had a similar issue with my health visitor 18 months ago. I have a very happy and healthy 2 year old and a 21 year old

As a child I was subject to severe abuse in all its glory. Psychological, emotional, physical and sexual. After my mum died I was taken into care with my brothers.

I had my daughter when I was 18/19. I was then in an abusive relationship. Very vulnerable and spent some time in psychiatric care as he was emotionally abusive.

I believed I was a terrible mum. I eventually left him but was subjected to several dozen social work checks as he kept reporting me for a number of things. She grew up and moved out and I found myself with an empty nest.

My having been in care was a red flag. My HV and I entered a head butting competition. She would question my ability to parent and I would get frustrated and angry. She would quote that because I was abused I was statistically more likely to abuse my child. Because my mum died when I was a teen I had gaps in my parenting.

But do you know what. Just because you were abused and in care does NOT make you more likely to abuse your child or fail them. I believe it made me less likely as I knew the fear I felt growing up as a child.

Make sure you have support in place

Join lots of toddler groups. Join women's groups. Find your support network. Parenting on your own is tough. Don't allow anyone to tell you you are less.

I didn't mean on your own sorry. I know from your post that you have a dh

i had an awful childhood and just left an awful relationship. im 23 and right now have a hell of a lot of support from support workers and the hv especially becsuse it is literally me, a 2 year old and a baby with no support.

being a mum is tough but take the help offered, dont see them as the enemy bevause i have actually found thr help to be to my advantage such as my toddler's delays being picked up early!

Stop seeing them as the enemy, it's the number 1 thing that will make your situation worse.

Read some parenting books and show them that you know it will be hard, but if you need help you'll ask for it.

I really recommend children's centres too. Find out where your local one is.

also i have just about avoided social services involvement but they have asked that i engage with groups at the childrens centres, which i do, and keep working with my support worker and also keep getting help with my mental health. they have made it quite clear what they want from me in order to not get involved so perhaps ask them what they want you to do to show them they have nothing to worry about!

Why should you have to prove yourself? Well, you don't, but statistically your child is more at risk than a child born to someone with a more stable background. If they ignore that they are being negligent.

Why does it matter if their is a support network? Because becoming pregnant, giving birth, looking after a small baby can all be extremely stressful and can destroy relationships. There is a thread on here about relationships never recovering after having a child. Having a support network helps stop things going wrong and helps you survive if it does.

I'm sorry you feel judged, but kicking out at people who are trying to do their job protecting vulnerable children isn't going to help.

I asked them to keep an eye on me when I was pregnant with DS2 as I was depressed, was moving to a new area, and didn't want to slip through the net.

I was brought up in care and this never came up with my HV or midwife etc.

I did however have a very positive experience in foster care and ended up at university and have a professional job.

How has this come up? How do they know you've been in care?

When you say you are treated with hostility can you say how? What is it they are saying/doing that is hostile?

It might be routine questions that feels intrusive to you because you expect people in authority to treat you badly.

Or it might be really over the top.

If you can give us examples we might be able to reassure you that it is routine questions that anyone is asked. Or if the latter help prepare you with answers that reassure them that you are going to be a good safe caring mum.

Is there anythin in your life now that would give them cause for worry? Is your housing adequate? Do you or dh take drugs/get drunk? Are either of you in precarious jobs? Debt with bailiffs? Any significant mental health problems for either of you?

Health visitors can be a great support when you are tired, stressed and struggling (as all mums feel at one time or another). But certainly the questions they and other professionals ask can feel like accusations if you don't expect them

redexpat yes of course DH works, so do I.

The thing with saying "you need a network" you might as well say "if your own family aren't around then you shouldn't have a family of your own" which isn't fair really.

BCGRMDP thing is they aren't actually offering me any help.

Whirlwind I don't see them as the enemy but i feel they see me as the enemy.

pickleme I know it was my thread. And I'm not kicking out at anyone, I've always been polite to HVs etc but they aren'tdoing a very good job at protecting vulnerable children as my child is more vulnerable as now I try to avoid them.

Believeitnornot I don'tknow actually I have always assumed it was on my record or something.

Herblue* we have NEVER drank ( iam actually teetotal) or took drugs we have a lovely home we both work, we are a normal married couple.See though how people make assumptions I am not being horrible there but it's just not me.

I just get lots of comments like "who is your support" I say "wellmy husband" and they say I need others. I say nicely well I don't have anyone. Then they get all annoyed with me.

I don't likegoing to baby groups and I won't go to children's centres, I went once and I really didn't enjoy it, just wasn't for me really.

Given your past they have protocols to follow, it's likely they are not hostile but just the way you are perceiving it. The lols and the way you write make it sound like a joke, maybe they don't think you understand the reality of being a parent vs cute baby.

Be thankful we have a system that is there pre birth and onwards to protect children, you should be grateful they are ensuring the safety of children.

Chidren need so much more than love.

I have a friend who lived in a care home, she has her own business now and a child. I'd known her for 10 years before she told me, I told her immediately how amazing she is to have achieved so much despite a stable background. I'd like to think that anyone you come into contact with will be supportive and happy for you. What happens to young people is not their choice/fault, who you are now is down to you, well done. (Hope that doesn't sound patronising).

*not having a stable background

I knowthey do. I don't actually find it a joke but am nervous. Idon't find babies cute and like I say. If my child was at risk they've put her more at risk because I now avoid them. I actually do want help and I do want support but I know I won't get it from them because they think I'm a thick, chaotic drug user, just because of my background. I wish I could tell you how much that hurts and how much it hurts when someone snaps at you 'you need support, you must have support' when the only support you ever had was them and they make it clear that they hate you. But you will probably never know and I don't expect you care what that feels like do you?

Aside from all the other things here I wanted to add that not 'having a support network' is not a permanent state!

You may not have family etc nearby but having a baby is one of the times in people's live when they make and cement friendship networks. Op - life with a baby is great and also hard work - you can make friends and they will be friends for life if yo went through early parenthood together. I'd make the effort (and it sometimes is an effort) as a couple and by yourself to go to antenatal groups and baby groups and be part of making that generation of young parents around you. There are without doubt other pregnant mums nearby and they will be the same parents you'll meet at baby groups, nursery, school... why not meet the people you'll know for years to come now?

Also do you have fronds 'as a couple'? We didn't really have this until we had kids, it's part of a network of local families..
Good luck

Op next time they say you'll need others tell them you plan on attending as many baby groups as possible and hopefully can meet other mothers and build your support.

I imagine you feel quite flustered by it and that can't be nice. But you just need to calmly show them you are capable of being a good mum.

Unfourtunately the majority of children who go into care have parents who were in the care system themselves. That's why professionals are extra vigilant with care leavers. It's a shit system, and it just goes to show how little help there is for those who have been in care.

I read your other thread - is your relationship with DH all right?

Wait, do you have a history with a drug problem? Serious issues with your Dh?

Could not be that they are concerned because of other more recent issues, rather than you growing up in care?

Op I had a very traditional childhood however my support network didn't exist post birth.

When my baby arrived my parents 'refused to offer any support other than a quick visit' and 'my inlaws visited all the time and where frankly vile to me'.

My health visitor went on and on and on about me asking for help from my support network. For a while I felt like I was stuck in an echo camber. She just wouldn't listen and I felt responsible for not having the magic support syse she spoke of.

But in the end she was my best ally. She helped my partner deal with his parents and pointed out that they were being quite emotionally abusive ( horrid thing for a new dad to deal with).

She gave me extra support in the form of listening visits ( plus checking my mental health and mothering abilities). I've no doubt that the lack 'of well basically giving a shit for me' from my family raised a red flag. She definitely watched to see if I was bonding well and caring for my baby. However she also gave me emotional support, access to counselling, negotiated a disinterested gp to get medical support for post birth complications.

Her probing was hugely unpleasant but it turned out I got help I didn't know I needed. I would engage with health professionals they really can help.

That said not a midwives or health visitors are a good fit. Your bound to meet several across your pregnancy and new babies days. It is ok to ask for the people you feel most comfortable with xx

OP I know how you feel.

I'm a nurse, have a (mostly) supportive partner.

BUT

I was homeless at 16, abused by my parents, experienced severe domestic abuse in my late teens. When I became pregnant I shared this with my midwife and she did a referral to children's services as "due to your history your child may be at risk of future neglect".

I felt devastated!

However, the extra support was a blessing. I was signed off when my child was 2. Don't run from the help - if you engage with services and show them what a wonderful parent you will be they will have no concerns.

And frankly, after being left with abusive/neglectful parents for 16 years, I would rather children's services be over zealous with monitoring, than being slack like they were with me.

Do you have in laws? Do you see them, and do they live close by?
Do you have friends? Either from work, from your neighbourhood, or from college/school?
It does sound as though you're a bit isolated. What kind of area do you live in (urban or rural i mean)?
Post-birth it may be hard for you to get out and about, and handling a baby 24/7 is very hard work. If you see no-one it can become too much.
Not because you've been in care, just too much for anyone.
FWIW I know lots of care leavers. How successful they are in adulthood is dependent on a myriad of factors. Not least of which is their own personality, and drive to succeed.
You obviously care about being a good parent, so you're well on your way to being one.

I would start by asking them how they can support you, for the contacts of parenting classes, support groups, young mother groups etc. Do any of your or your husbands friends have children? Is his family of any use?

Parenting is hard. DH and I had little family support, probably the most was SIL on the end of a phone although we didn't use her advice much (and often disagreed with it).
We did have friends, read books, join mother and baby groups etc.
It is very very hard to parent in isolation, as even small babies can torture their parents: lack of sleep, crying for no reason, constant changing patterns.

However you are on mumsnet! Which is a good start. I would mention that, as the 24/7 support you can get here is priceless.

I felt that I didn't want ss intruding it's s stigma I have had to carry round all my life. I wasn't in care long but under ss until I was 18 (I refused further support then I didn't need it and wanted to be free from it)

The fear of them taking away my baby was very real to me if I wasn't the perfect mum (and I was in my own so repeated history) stopped me from getting support when I was depressed and I only got worse I only needed a little counselling or mild a/d

It didn't impact my parenting but it has it has my health I wish I had been more honest when I was asked I was so hard on myself they are doing their job and me need in a bit of extra support had nothing to do with my background but it was what stopped me getting it sooner

Don't let the pass control your life through fear and best of luck

And it nothing like either of my parents I'm a great mum this I know