To thinkbeing in care, as a child, doesn't mean I'll be a bad mum

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I feel I am treated with hostility for this,and it upsets me.Can anyone explain why?

OP if you're as defensive as you are here then I understand why they might seem concerned about you. Please don't avoid them.

Having a baby can be very isolating. When we had DD I went from working full time in a senior stressful role to SAHM overnight. It was very hard to adjust to. Our families were hundreds of miles away and DD was a screaming colicky non sleeping nightmare with major feeding problems and I had PND and PTSD from a traumatic birth.

Once DH went back to work my mum came to stay for a week and took me to the GP. When she went home a week later my sister visited and forced me out of the house for the first time since seeing the GP.

After that, when DD was 4 weeks old, I spent my days in the flat, counting the seconds until DH came home and I could hand the baby to him. My god it was hard and I was desperately lonely. None of my friends had kids yet. The ADs hadn't started working, I wasn't getting any sleep and still battling with DD's weight gain.

Thankfully, my midwives were amazing and recognised I needed daily visits. I stayed on their books for 8 weeks and then I got regular visits from the HV, because it was clear to them all that I wasn't coping and my support network was non existent.

Please don't push them away, those early visits and intervention saved me really. I had lots of horrid thoughts and very nearly walked out more than once. If I'd had my mum close or my sister they would have been the ones looking out for me. In the absence of that, the midwives and HVs did it.

After DD was about 8 weeks I started going to a breastfeeding group and bumped into some ladies from my antenatal class. They are adopted me into their group and I finally found my much needed support network. We went to baby groups together or coffee at each other's houses every day, and life got a bit easier and eventually I enjoyed stuff again.

This is why they're worried about your lack of support network. It's important.

Do not avoid health professionals, that is honestly one of the most ill advised things you can do in your situation

I think I get what you mean a bit op. When I had my first 2 dc, no one mentioned my mh history except to remind me support was available if I needed it. The way that was done meant I was very happy to know I could get help if necessary, and felt positive about services. We moved to a new city after while, where if had Ds3. The approach of services here was different. During pregnancy I had to have a special home visit by a HV. When she arrived she told me she was here "because of your medication" (heavy emphasis on the last word whilst making an odd face). I responded that I wasn't on any medication. I genuinely had no idea what she was on about. It took a while for her to make clear that she was referring to antidepressant medication that I had last been prescribed 8 years previously, before I'd had any children. She proceeded as if I'd tried to hide from her that I'd ever had a mh difficulty, seemed uninterested in the fact that I had not had PND or any difficulties raising my existing children, lectured me about how much more 'support' I would need than other mums, was downright unpleasant when I said no, I wasn't planning on attending breastfeeding groups as I'd about ready spent 4.5 years of my life breastfeeding,and basically made me feel that because I'd had depression in the past I was bound to be a terrible mother. It is extremely annoying when hcps decide that because a box on a form has been ticked, you are not normal and must engage with anything they want to offer, whether relevant to your needs or not, otherwise you are clearly a failure and a danger and hostile to services.
Anyway. Next time I saw my midwife I discussed how unhappy I was with the HV approach and pointed out I had 2 thriving dc, was a social worker so clearly not hostile to bloody services, had previously facilitated a young parents support group, and felt unfairly judged and unnecessarily scrutinised. I pointed out that this sort of "a always equals b and c is always necessary if a has been present" thinking was totally counterproductive and that far from reassuring me that support was available if needed, it had left me feeling that if I needed and sought any mh support the response of the HVs would be heavy handed, unfairly judgemental and focused on highlighting risks and negatives rather than assessing actual need and identifying positives.
Practitioners need to think back to their training and remember that people do not usually form positive relationships with services when they feel judged and treated in a prejudiced way.

You have loads of good answers here so not sure I can add much. But I grew up in a very unloving household - not in care, though, so no visible trace, IYSWIM, and what has taken me by surprise with my DD is how hard it was, sometimes, to just not have had a good example to follow. Which - of course - doesn't mean I couldn't figure out what to do! But sometimes I just wasn't sure if I was reacting correctly or not. I asked some daft questions in here when she was very little and got some really kind answers and I began to have more confidence in my parenting.
What was hard was realising how much I wanted to do all the right things for DD and how sad it was to realise that they hadn't been done for me. The older she gets (she's 6 now) the harder that becomes actually and is the thing that I feel I could do with some help with (don't know what, mind you!)

I'm not sure what it is I am trying to say, perhaps to try and prepare yourself for that element - it really took me by surprise. Or perhaps that this is what the outside agencies want to prepare you for. I really don't know.

You will be grand, I'm sure. My DD certainly knows she is loved! And your DC will too.

I certainly don'tmean to be defensive but when people are asking me if I or dh have a drug problem and if we live in an adequate home I do feel a bit defensive.

As I've said, they don't offer support, just shout at you that you don't have any support which makes me feel bad.So obviously I avoid them! I don't think it's the worst thing I can do. I'm not being investigated by ss or anything it's just routine stuff. Problem is I am actually finding everything very very difficult but I can't ask them for help

Echo chamber is a good way of putting it really.

Ok- what is it you're finding difficult? People on here can help. Pregnancy, birth, parenthood, none are easy to do well, but there's a wealth of advice and support on MN.

It's OK Phil, Ididn't start the thread to moan at you all sorry lol.

Just finding it tough. And I don't have any support.

OP, do you respond this defensively to medical professionals? Questions about living conditions, drugs, domestic violence and support networks are pretty much par for the course in pregnancy, especially if your GP/midwife/HV operates in an area where these things are likely to be an issue statistically. I was an academic in my late 30s when I had my son in a fairly grimy bit of north London, and actually started laughing when the midwife asked me about domestic violence at my booking in, and she got quite stern, quite rightly, and said she had to ask those questions, and in fact it came up a fair bit. (As did, in my area, forced marriage and FGM.)

Once she got to know more about my circumstances - foreigner, no support network at all, all family in another country -- she was giving me very obviously targeted information, because she obviously thought I was at significant risk of PND and being very isolated.

And support networks are important. DS was under six months old and DH was in another country for work when I suddenly had to admit myself to A and E in the middle of the night in agonising pain. There was absolutely no one closer than a shorthaul flight away that I could leave him with.

I'm just gobsmacked at reading this thread. You come on simply saying that HVs etc are being a bit judgmental and intrusive because of your background in care and you get comments about whether you're a teenage mum, about whether you're partner's jobless, people took your "they think I'm a thick chaotic drug user" at face value and asked if you were, in fact, on drugs... every couple of months someone on here will post something about a cheeky and intrusive HV (I think I did, when mine were little) and there's lots of responses but I've never seen one that asked whether the OP was a teenage mum, or on drugs, or whether her partner had a job.

I take my hat off to you for dealing so good-naturedly with the obvious prejudice you face for having been in care, not just from your HV, but on here. FWIW I grew up in an abusive household, I don't have contact with my mother, my in-laws couldn't GAF about their grandkids and we live abroad so our support network is zero. And I had zero positive role models and a childhood full of abuse to get my head round when I had my kids. But health visitors and other professionals weren't the slightest bit concerned by all of that - I tried to tell one of them once, what abuse I'd received as a child, the reason why no my mum couldn't just come over and help for a few weeks - and they were just like "you don't want to get into all this now, focus on the future" and that was it. I wasn't in care, there's not a box on the form they can tick, they're just not bothered.

I think that if you've experienced abuse and neglect in early childhood it can make it harder to parent - I mean it depends on the type of abuse but you're likely to be hypervigilant and very affected by the little one's mood and find it quite stressful to deal with them when they're in a bad mood. But it can all be coped with, and I'll bet that the strategies you work out will be no thanks to the HVs etc, who IME are happy enough to judge on appearances but have bugger all to offer other than to tell you when you're doing it wrong.

Thanks, toomuch it means a lot you've said that. As I have not tried to be defensive at all.

knife a conversation with the hv might go

hv: you need support with a small baby, what support doyou have?
me:well I have my husband.
hv: what about your own family?
me: I don't have any
hv: well you might want to reach out to them as you need support with a young baby
me: well that's not really an option tbh and i do have some family of my husbands
hv: and do they give you support
me: not really but
hv: well you need support with a young baby.

scream!

Hopefully, you will have a greater understanding of what can go wrong so do more to mitigate it. Some proactive parenting classes and counselling. Although you might not have had a good role model ..There are a lot of people that copy their parents mediocre parenting too and you might avoid that. Can you do a parenting puzzle course, they are very good. X

I really don't want to go anywhere near parenting classes or counselling.

I was in care,this was because of my parents not me.I'mnot a bad person.

It may be small comfort to know that many of these professionals are just as condescending to people that haven't been in care

Mw: do you smoke?
Phil: no
Mw: have you ever smoked?
Phil: no, never
Mw: are you sure?
Phil: yes, I've never smoked.
Mw: well, could you just blow down this tube to check?
Phil:
Mw: oh, there's no trace.
Phil: because I've never smoked, you mean?
And you're sitting in my house which clearly does not smell of fags or have nicotine stains on the wall wtf?

I was 35, a professional, and 3rd pregnancy. Some people just think they know better than anyone!

Questions about living conditions, drugs, domestic violence and support networks are pretty much par for the course in pregnancy

No, they really aren't. My midwife didn't bother. She made judgements about me. Not once was I asked about DV, or whether my family were in fact any support. In fact she didn't bother with a lot of stuff and I had to push at times. I guess it depends where you are, and crucially, who is your midwife. Lucky for me, I did have support if I needed it, from family. But as she didn't ask, she never knew.

The HV was actually good, and I knew I could talk to her if I needed help.

I think you're feeling defensive (which is understandable) but you're also missing the point that a lot of the questions e.g. about substance use and DV is often very normal. Many, if not most, new mothers are asked about their support network. It is important.

And she referred me to a pregnancy mh counsellor because I'd had ads 20 years previously... Despite not having pregnancy depression, pnd, or any other issues for 20 years .
The counsellor was too.

It may be the case that nowadays they are more clued up in asking these questions but what the OP is describing is beyond that. I get the impression these people are talking at her, and making judgements while not talking with her and actually listening to her answers.

Sorry if I offended. I wasn't in anyway suggesting you did anything wrong. I think everyone from any background can benefit from the parenting puzzle because parenting is hard and it's always good to have practical help. I wasn't suggesting you needed it more than anyone else -I recommend to everyone . I has social services involvement as a child and my siblings were removed from the family home. My younger one was in foster care and my elder in a care home. I have no idea how or why I stayed at home during this period but we had weekly social service meetings and I was transported to the care home and foster carer to visit my siblings. I have never mentioned it to health visitors etc as I didn't want the judgement that goes with it. Luckily I have a new name and am out of area so it wasn't like I could be spotted. So I totally understand why you would avoid that and hate it.

I hear you, OP, but honestly, I had similar conversations with my own (very nice, but Dutch and extremely blunt) midwife, and I was a highly-educated 39 year old with no background of being in care. She (and in fact subsequent encounters with HVs after DS was born and I was struggling) just couldn't seem to get their heads around the lack of immediately available family, even though mine were just abroad, not abusive/NC.

Having a baby can be isolating. I was lucky to have good family support nearby and good friends around me (some of whom had children and could offer advice and some of whom didn't have children and were more likely to have time to spend with me). I found the company of mums I met at a baby group really valuable. If your DH is out at work 8-6 5 days a week that's a really long time to fill. Having people to see for coffee or a walk around the park can make a real difference to your day.

Perhaps you can reframe the frustrating discussions about support by asking what facilities are available locally for parents? Doesn't mean you're obliged to go, but it gives you some options. Even though DD is 2.5 I still find a whole day at home pretty tedious.

phil mine are convinced I'm lying about smoking i think, and I never have either!

raspberry thanks, it is talking at me, making everything my fault. It's hard.

I wasn't offended sarah but i just want to do it alone really. Well not alone but i don't want anybody else telling me i'm wrong!

Op I'm pregnant as well and the same age as you, I have a husband, a home, a supportive family etc but the midwives etc have still said the same sort of things to me. In my booking in appointment they asked me about support and talked to me about safe sleeping/doing antenatal classes/if my partner was abusive/if I took drugs. Honestly they asked every personal question under the sun, it took ages. Every time I have an appointment they ask how I'm feeling about my pregnancy etc. It is just them being thorough. It came across a little odd to me at first but they are just trying to flag up problems so they can help and they ask everyone (even if you have a lovely background) the same sort of stuff.

personal questions are fine but then they get cross with the answers. But thank you it is good to know it isn't just me.

Your baby will tell you you're wrong often enough. There will be days when what you did yesterday just doesn't work. It's useful to have people to talk to on those days.

No, they really aren't. My midwife didn't bother. She made judgements about me. Not once was I asked about DV, or whether my family were in fact any support. In fact she didn't bother with a lot of stuff and I had to push at times. I guess it depends where you are, and crucially, who is your midwife. Lucky for me, I did have support if I needed it, from family. But as she didn't ask, she never knew.

I think you were unlucky, then. I have only had one pregnancy and was asked about DV at my booking-in appointment, but I gather from friends in different parts of the country that it's pretty standard I was a bit taken aback, but of course DV can escalate in pregnancy. I was certainly also asked about whether our housing was adequate/secure, drug use, and I can't remember what else. I think I so much didn't fit the profile of the other first time-mothers to be the midwife saw at that practice their average age was about 20 years younger than me, and from the other women I saw in the waiting room, they were mostly from two or three ethnic minority backgrounds -- that I got flagged as 'isolated, older white first-time mother, no support, liable to be at risk of PND'. (I didn't realise this fully at the time, but looking back.)