"Put it up out of reach"

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

My 3yo toddler is into everything and it's driving me up the wall!

I have to check my bag 5 times before we leave the flat as she has form for taking stuff out - my keys, my wallet etc. She gets into my makeup and ruins it, gets it on the furniture. finds pens and draws on walls, pulls clothing out of cupboards and drawers, breaks things in the kitchen.

We rent so I can't make too many amendments to the place. We do have two high shelves but they are literally the only place I can put things that she can't get to! She climbs onto the kitchen counters, uses chairs to reach onto the dining table - nowhere is safe any more

Even the bathroom cabinet is accessible to her by standing on the loo.

AIBU to wonder where all these "up out of the reach of toddlers" places are? Does anyone else struggle with this?

Ran

I am a childminder so have 3 under 3s running around my home most days (i also have my own 2 older children). I have 'stuff' lying around. Must admit a firm no usually does the trick if you're consistent. My bedroom is out of bounds and my bag stays in the hall so they can't get to it. Obviously (as with all under 5s) I'm always around. You can use discipline with young children. I don't often have to as I'm consistent with them but i use a 'thinking spot' if they're persistently doing something I've asked them not to. They sit there for a short period and usually that teaches them. You definitely need to have some rules and boundaries .

The best thing about soft parented children is that my daughter has grown up seeing the consequences of it all for the rest of the community.

I know which family she's glad she grew up in - fair but firm, along with plenty of praise for the good behaviour, and no/distraction/following through with consequences on the not so good. It's made her popular with her peer group and adults she interacts with, and she knows she gets far more out of life this way

Remember pride comes before a fall Fos. You've parented your child well - great. No need to deride others. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Sorry to disagree but we bought up our children knowing they were loved, they had boundaries (not unreasonable ones) but were treated with respect and listened to, not as if they were dogs. They were fairly treated too and knew it , no favourites.

They have many friends, are successful in their fields (which they were free to choose). We HE when it was necessary too. So maybe 'soft' parenting but it was the right way IMO.

This reminds me I can't even have birthday cards up without my 8yr old trashing them. Certainly no ornaments or glass photo frames either.

Perfect at school and friends houses though.

I remember that when we moved into a house where the children grew up there were those little rubber door jams, that were pushed under the doors to keep them open, where they went to god only knows .

pp ?

Whilst OP may or may not be strict enough inside, there's a big leap to assume she'll just allow her DD to jump in front of a car.

I'm not sure it's that big a leap. Especially given the OP has said her child walks off outside when asked to do something and she cant stop her coving herself in lipstick because it only takes a second. It's that same second it will take for her to slip out of your grip and end up in the middle of a busy road.

Although at 2 you'd hope she'd be wearing reins to keep her safe anyway.

You can buy those same door stops in any old fashioned hardware shop and probably b&q type places too

Thanks Footle . They'd stay where they're put now!

Put a hook and eye at adult height on your bedroom door and keep everything you want to keep away from her on there.

If she gets something you don't want her to have, tell her no, take it off her and replace it with one of her toys.

"I find 3- and 4 year olds are worse, as well - they have the ability to plan and execute a series of steps to get what they want, while still having the same lack of regard for their safety as they did at 2."

Oh no! Please don't tell me that! I'm at 2.5 and am not sure I can cope with him planing mischeif as well as the current spontaneous mischief.

Totally agree she is old enough at 3 to be told off. She isn't a toddler now

Op, I sympathise. My littlest one is great at playing with actual toys, not being too interesting in naughty stuff. We have baby gates but he has never wandered into the kitchen to empty drawers. This was a revelation compared to my oldest. She was curious about everything and would empty drawers and the wardrobe every flipping morning. We still have locks on the doors that we have to install just to contain her. Children are all built differently. You really have to start introducing time out/naughty step whatever and actually removving her from the stuff you don't want to play with otherwise I think she would struggle with suddenly having rules at nursery. I know it feels like an uphill struggle but she will pick it up in the end. My dd is nearly 7 and still curious and still tests boundaries but does so within the set boundaries. She is also much bettet at this since starting school.

You don't use punishments? May I take this opportunity to wish the school staff good luck when she starts in Reception class.

Haven't RTFT. Also not a parent. Wondered whether you had talked to staff at nursery about techniques that they use and carrying them across.

I have a 3 yr old and if she behaved like this I'd have a fit!! She knows not to touch anything she shouldn't and don't get me wrong she is a menace in many ways! Say no. Explain to her what she is doing is wrong. They aren't stupid.

She behaves differently at day care, as do most children, than she does when home alone with her mother. I thought that was common knowledge

Yes, I am sure she does.

This is because her day care teachers bend down to her level, tell her no in a stern voice, and enforce a consequence for repeat offences. They are probably very, very consistent too.

This is not curiosity - it is your child trying to get you to tell her what the rules are. Children of 3-4 need this from parents and caregivers.

They do not need to be allowed to lose and destroy your things or do dangerous things like climbing on the loo to reach a high shelf. It is actually very unsatisfying for them. She will not be really happy while the question of who is in charge goes unanswered. She will feel quite insecure in fact. Step up - the recommendation upthread of 1-2-3 Magic is one you should seriously consider. The method is a great tool for re-establishing your much needed authority and keeping your child happy.

At the moment your child struggles if you leave her alone for 10 seconds. You are giving her the wrong sort of input therefore. She doesn't need constant entertainment. She needs training. She will continue to test as you train, but your consistency will be a huge favour to her in the end.

...She just isn't the type to respond to a firm "no" so it's easier for us all if she can't access stuff for now til she's a bit older.
Are you afraid she is so fragile she will fall apart, or throw a tantrum so humongous that you or DP will never recover if she hears a stern 'No'?

Parents who won't say 'No' are setting their children up for problems in the area of resilience and facing reality. Children can handle 'No'. All of them. There are no children so special or so spirited that a firm 'No' would crush their spirits irrevocably or even for more than 15 minutes.

Your refusal to correct or say 'No' is actually very self indulgent.

You feed yourself the line that your child is 'curious' and in some way too special to put up with the word 'No' while your child is actually desperately looking for some sign of living with a leader, an adult.

Children do not want to be in charge. It is far too heavy a burden for them to carry, and allowing her to gratify your ego need to have some sort of special or different child is not fair to her either.

We rented, the command hooks (or cheaper wilko equivalent) work very well and don't damage the wall. Some take a lot of weight too which might help?

Find it strange for 3 year old to do things like go into your bag if she's told not too. As for dangerous things I've got a 14 month old who is in to eveything and my 3 year old knows to move certain (small things) out of his reach as he understands that he could choke on them (eg money from his play till). Odd your 3 year old doesn't understand what she can /cannot do.

"*Oh I definitely say no! She honestly doesn't care! She just carries on as if I hadn't said a thing. I sometimes end up talking louder and louder as it's like talking to a brick wall, then I shout, which I don't want to do.

I clearly need to work on this though, as my approach isn't working."

IMHO you need to look at the bigger picture re social skills and boundaries. She may have a tougher time when she starts school if she doesnt understand that "no" means "no". Your dc sounds spirited and curious not to mention creative at solving problems e.g climbing up x to reach y. You need to ensure that your dc has a sense of limits in terms of what adults or other children consider your dc shouldnt be allowed to have e.g. if for her own safety or bcoz it's not her turn to play with the lego yet etc. She may not enjoy school as she should if she is suddenly thrust into this world of rules, co-operation and boundaries having not experienced it before.

Have you tried reading "baby whisperer for toddlers"? Tracy Hogg, the author recommends leaving everything within a child's each so they become less enticing and creating clear boundaries re what they can/cant have or how to play/handle possessions appropriately so they dont damage them or harm themselves. Obviously it's a lot easier to do it from the start when they are v young but you could try some of Tracy's techniques, e.g. not immediately removing something like make up but looking at it WITH them to take away the mystery and talk about how it belongs to you in the same way that their favourite toy belongs to them etc etc. It will take a lot of effort and time and will need baby steps to make an impact which will be tough in the middle of the chaos of daily life but even if you just start with one thing e.g. your keys and make her feel like they are not exciting or interesting you will start to see a diffeence hopefully.

The only thing I can suggest, is taking her out to the park etc. Meet up with other mums. so she is tired at home . She might then want to watch a little tv and crayon etc. Help her use her imagination with toys. Buy pretend make up and give her an old bag of yours. You may have done this. Let her stir things when cooking. Not hot obviously. Don't want to offend. All things to distract. Young kids are just full on. Another year or so she will be much better at entertaining herself.

Then you won't have to say no so often and when you do it will mean something.