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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Put it up out of reach"

279 replies

GoingQuietlyInsane · 17/03/2017 08:20

My 3yo toddler is into everything and it's driving me up the wall!

I have to check my bag 5 times before we leave the flat as she has form for taking stuff out - my keys, my wallet etc. She gets into my makeup and ruins it, gets it on the furniture. finds pens and draws on walls, pulls clothing out of cupboards and drawers, breaks things in the kitchen.

We rent so I can't make too many amendments to the place. We do have two high shelves but they are literally the only place I can put things that she can't get to! She climbs onto the kitchen counters, uses chairs to reach onto the dining table - nowhere is safe any more Sad

Even the bathroom cabinet is accessible to her by standing on the loo.

AIBU to wonder where all these "up out of the reach of toddlers" places are? Does anyone else struggle with this?

OP posts:
Jessikita · 19/03/2017 19:30

This sounds really harsh, but it's parents like you who raise undisciplined entitled brats. At 3 years old you are unwilling to teach her boundaries and teach her consequences to stop her trashing stuff. If she was 18 months I'd understand but 3 and still doing stuff like that and you don't want to discipline her? Crazy!!!

allowlsthinkalot · 19/03/2017 20:08

On top of wardrobes, high kitchen cupboards, bathroom cabinet? Put a lock on one cupboard?

cardibach · 19/03/2017 20:23

pp I can't believe nobody has picked you up on this: So it's one rule for you and one for the children? I bet they can see the rationality behind that rule! Of course there are different rules for adults and children! Adults have more freedoms than children for lots of reasons and children are quite capable of understanding that.

thatdearoctopus · 19/03/2017 20:35

she just isn't the type to respond to a firm "no"

Oh Lordie! God help her teachers when she gets to school.

Pitchforktotheface · 19/03/2017 20:43

On top of the bookcase and on top of the wardrobe and on top of the kitchen cupboards are our 'out of reach places'.

mygorgeousmilo · 19/03/2017 20:49

Try boundaries/discipline or prepare yourself for a future of entitlement. I've had wilful toddlers. Told them no. They don't destroy my stuff

MrsKoala · 19/03/2017 20:58

My children laugh in my face at firm no. Some kids give no fucks at all about anything.

38cody · 19/03/2017 21:01

Erm... she's 3? Why is she in a cot?
You need to start treating her like a child and not a baby imo.

thatdearoctopus · 19/03/2017 21:10

My children laugh in my face at firm no

Then you aren't saying a firm enough 'no.'

MrsKoala · 19/03/2017 21:15
Grin

how firm can you say it?

Ironmanrocks · 19/03/2017 21:20

Confession as I haven't read the whole thread. But I hate to hear toddlers saying 'no' back to their parents so tried to not use that too. There are many ways...distraction being the best...'ooh why don't we do this instead' etc etc. I also didn't have catches on cupboards. I have one cupboard filled with plastic stuff that my ds is allowed to go into/pull things from. He knows he is not allowed in any others. It worked a treat. He knew the rules as I explained them. 'please don't go into this drawer as you could hurt yourself, but this cupboard is ok'. I am sure it won't work for all children but it did work for me. He was NEVER allowed into people's bags - I taught him basic good manners I think. If I ever said 'no' (which came much later,) it was always 'no thank you'. If he did something wrong the script ran... 1. No thank you ds, thats not kind. 2. NO thank you ds, I have already said I don't like you doing that.If you do it again I will take your tractor and put it away on the shelf 3. No thank you - bye bye tractor! I was and still am VERY consistent with this and have also taught him to use the same strategy in school if his peers are mean. don't get me wrong, I can be shouty (which I hate) but this is me managing my shouty...hope it helps.

PotteryLottery · 19/03/2017 21:27

Iron-man - I did this too i.e. avoided saying No so I didn't get it back. All good with a very well-mannered DD.

Fast forward to age 8 and she didn't say No to the class bully who did something awful to her. Twice. Sad

I've had to get her to practice saying No to said bully and she finds it really hard.

MeandT · 19/03/2017 21:43

How about a 'no, WE don't do that'? You don't climb all over the kitchen cupboards, or draw on the walls, or shake out your makeup on the hall floor. You are responsible for teaching her her way in the world and what is acceptable behaviour or not. Usually the rules are the same for everyone. With boiling water and electricity and crossing the road they are different and those situations need to be clear 'that's a grown up job, it's not safe'. 'You have to ask an adult before x'. Let her be curious and then let her know where the line is between being curious and being a dangerous, unpleasant little s*. You are letting her down if you don't do it, that's your job as a parent!

FrizzyMcFrizzface · 19/03/2017 21:45

Say no. If she ignores then you apply consequences. Take something away she likes. She'll soon learn. Children need discipline and boundaries. You are setting her up for a bad time at school if you don't give her the experience of following rules and consequences. I have two DS, one very lively and curious, the other with SN. I have hidden very few things away, I just taught them no. It's hard work, you have to be on it all the time, but it also means when we go places I know they will behave themselves. I am also a Primary teacher so I know how important it is for children to be taught about rules and consequences before they go to school.

Mummyme1987 · 19/03/2017 21:46

As a mum of 3, my advice is be consistent. Say no and mean it. Remove the child from the stuff not the other way around unless it's dangerous like meds. Remove and say no as many times as needed. Create boundaries, children thrive knowing there are boundaries. Be the parent. I liken it to pack leader in a wolf pack. There's a hierarchy and I'm at the top. Even now and my kids are teens and 21. I'm the boss, they do as I say. Sometimes there's not time to explain but if I say no they know there's a reason. They know the boundaries. I have rules of behaviour that I expect them to stick to. I instilled this when they were little and that's how you get teens that behave. I'm reasonable but consistent and fair. ive used this with my Autistic child too, it worked for us. I'm their parent not their friend.

Ironmanrocks · 19/03/2017 21:48

I'm sorry to hear that pottery...I've had this to an extent already (not a class bully luckily) with a classmate. He gets 2 warnings. 1.no thank you bully I don't like that. 2.No thank you if you do it again ill tell mrs teacher. 3. I warned you etc and then he goes off to tell. I hate kids who tell tale but I figure if he does it this way the bully gets a choice too. Fingers crossed it will work - he's 6 now so we shall see.

pollymere · 19/03/2017 21:57

You need to start teaching her about privacy and Mummys things. I'd suggest a hook on a door for your bag but she's not really a toddler anymore. Mine was at school by then and imagine if your dd was doing it there, or in a coffee shop?

weeza13 · 19/03/2017 22:08

I understand the problem in a rental as you can't just put locks on doors etc without them leaving damage when you move out. You can buy coat hooks that hook over the top of the door and have 3 hanging hooks on the back of the door allowing doors to still be closed and can hold a good weight. You can hang baskets on these allowing medicine, cleaning products etc to be safely out of the way. Also you can get some decorative boxes for the tops of wardrobes for other stuff such as paperwork, passports etc .

surreynotsurrey · 19/03/2017 23:36

OP, I also don't believe in punishments: what works for me (I have three children who are 6, 4 and 2) is making sure anything dangerous/precious is in a high cupboard, and stating facts e.g. "please sit down - I'm worried you might fall" (I have to say this quite frequently to my two year old at the moment who likes standing on his chair, but usually once is enough to remind him). My six year old recently took some of my jewellery out of my room without asking and I didn't punish her, I simply told her why I didn't want her to do that (worried about it getting lost/broken) and if she wanted to look at them then she should just ask and I would help her do that.

ImperialBlether · 19/03/2017 23:42

Massive thread so haven't read everything, but have you consideredthese hooks for the top of doors?

TheRealPooTroll · 20/03/2017 00:11

You might not want to punish (some parents don't I believe) but your child still needs boundaries. You are allowing her to lose/damage your stuff. Put what you can out of the way or take things like your bag with you. I there is stuff lying around that you don't trust her to leave alone and you can't remove it then you have to take her with you when you leave the room. She is old enough to understand 'my make up is in here and I don't want it getting on the carpet/sofa so you need to come with me'. If she says she won't touch it you might want to try trusting her to be left for a short time. If she does ruin anything then wait a while until she's matured enough to control her impulses better.
If you continue to allow her to destroy/take stuff she will continue to do it.

OctoPawpaJetter · 20/03/2017 00:13

Check out Laura Markham Aha Parenting. She's old enough to have boundaries and there are loads of things you can do gently to teach her. Directing her interest elsewhere.

WanderingStar1 · 20/03/2017 00:23

OP, I haven't RTFT but first few and last few pages. I don't know what you have tried to date but am sure you have tried to discipline your DD to some extent - like saying 'stop' when she puts her hand near the fire? If not then perhaps you need to think about that side of things - but assuming you have then I wonder if you have considered getting a professional viewpoint? My DS (now 8) never responded to rules or sanctions, and my parenting book that said 'keep saying 'no', your child will soon understand' - was totally wrong! Eventually DS was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, I really hope there is nothing like that going on with your DD but at 3 she really should be responding to instructions, or experiencing appropriate outcomes if she doesn't....Flowers

Jax2013 · 20/03/2017 07:15

You can always tell the undisciplined kids at nursery, always misbehaving and parents always being pulled up at the end of the day. They are so disruptive to the other kids!

Saracen · 20/03/2017 07:27

Sorry haven't RTFT.

Have you asked your landlord whether you can make some changes, such as adding more shelves high up? I'm a landlord and our current tenants have a very impulsive energetic older child who is prone to injuring himself. We had no problem with allowing the tenants to make simple changes themselves such as installing cupboard locks, and we also did a few things ourselves to improve safety. It didn't cost much and wasn't going to have a negative effect on the value of the property.

At one point we were doing some redecoration and ensured we considered how practical and kid-proof the result would be, as well as consulting the tenants. For example, dh wanted to install expensive blinds but I observed that the kid would break those in seconds and curtains would be better. The internal door which we had removed to make the downstairs more "open-plan" was put back so they had a room they could close off.