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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Put it up out of reach"

279 replies

GoingQuietlyInsane · 17/03/2017 08:20

My 3yo toddler is into everything and it's driving me up the wall!

I have to check my bag 5 times before we leave the flat as she has form for taking stuff out - my keys, my wallet etc. She gets into my makeup and ruins it, gets it on the furniture. finds pens and draws on walls, pulls clothing out of cupboards and drawers, breaks things in the kitchen.

We rent so I can't make too many amendments to the place. We do have two high shelves but they are literally the only place I can put things that she can't get to! She climbs onto the kitchen counters, uses chairs to reach onto the dining table - nowhere is safe any more Sad

Even the bathroom cabinet is accessible to her by standing on the loo.

AIBU to wonder where all these "up out of the reach of toddlers" places are? Does anyone else struggle with this?

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/03/2017 12:25

AIBU
A bit, why don't you try this?
Aaargh you're al attacking me like a vulnerable wounded animal.

Really?

MammaTJ · 17/03/2017 12:27

I can't imagine punishing her for being curious. It's annoying, but she wouldn't understand it. I don't use punishments, I don't even know where I would start.

Sorry to say it, but you will be the one on here when she is 13 asking where you went wrong.

Cut out the agony of that now by realising she does need boundaries, sometimes they need laying down with firmness, like a cross tone of voice. Sometime she may eve become upset by this, but it is the only way she will learn.

Children actually flourish very well and feel more secure when they know there are rules and the adults are in charge. They feel very unsafe when they have the power nd control.

DementedUnicorn · 17/03/2017 12:29

I think it speaks volumes that you have changed your mind on a poster you regard as sensible and measured because they disagree/disapprove. FWIW I also think NoCapes is a fair and thoughtful poster but my opinion hasn't changed based on this thread.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/03/2017 12:33

I agree with the poster that says you lay down your ground rules when they are small. You can't always physically stop a large child doing stuff. You often have to have some authority.

Parents who have no authority over their kids drive me crazy.

SuddenRealisation · 17/03/2017 12:42

I think people need to understand that not all 3 year olds are the same.
Clearly some of you have 3 year olds with a good attention span or who listen when you say no or don't climb, for eg.
It's nothing to do with bad parenting, it's the individual child!
Op - I have 3 dc and my youngest is like this, he's almost 5 now and still needs things taking off him now and again. Of course he's a lot better at school!
He's like a whirlwind and was in to everything when he was 3. I mean every single thing!
It's really hard work, just do what you gotta to survive.
Obviously keep up with saying no etc. We did put him in time out for like 30 secs now and again which involved him sitting in one spot in the same room as us and just being told why he was there and asked to say sorry.
Other than that, move as much as you can, in whatever way you can, and don't worry. She will improve with time!

RedBugMug · 17/03/2017 12:53

yes, she will improve in time, but the op needs to be firm and consistent and supervise her child.

ARumWithAView · 17/03/2017 13:02

SuddenRealisation, did you read the thread? Plenty of us have into-everything kids, but the OP has specifically said she doesn't like using the word 'no', or want to encourage her child to 'blindly follow orders'. Hmm

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/03/2017 14:16

The problem is that is does feel a bit woe-is-me when your house isn't your own due to the need for ferocious baby-proofing; it is exhausting, boring and frustrating.

In fact op, I'm afraid I have just remembered the most recent struggle; DS1 is scouring the house for money. He keeps 'finding' it in odd places. Funnily enough, it's happening less frequently now I've hidden my purse Hmm I have told him that I know what he's doing and not to fuck with my things and yet he bloody persists!!

I hate feeling like I can't be at ease in my own home. Grrargh Angry DS2 OTOH doesn't do this ever. I blame the parents Wink Grin

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/03/2017 14:17

ElspethFlashman you and I would get on famously - I like your parenting style Grin

littledinaco · 17/03/2017 14:22

You sound like a lovely mum OP.

Maybe think about whether you would find it acceptable if your DD was taking your makeup out of your bag etc when she is say 4 or 5. It's going to be confusing for her to be allowed to do this now and then in e.g 6/12 months time for you to suddenly start stopping her.

Decide what you feel is ok behaviour and what you are not happy with (everyone is different, some wouldn't mind DC emptying their bag for example, others wouldn't allow this) and then find a way to stop her, the same as you would if she wanted to get the bleach rather than your make up. I'm sure you'll find a way that works for her.

I'm not into naughty steps and I understand what you mean about not wanting to say no all the time.

For the make up, could you keep a little cheap lip balm or something in your make up bag that you don't mind her using. I would say, 'you can't take mummy's make up, you need to ask' Then give her the lip balm/a brush or whatever you're ok with her having. Then when she asks, she gets something, if she doesn't ask and just takes it, you say 'you took mummy's make up without asking so no make up for DD now'. I would also say she needs to do it in the bathroom like mummy, she can't walk around with it (otherwise it's going to get lost/broken) then if she tries to walk off, take it off her.
Their understanding is all different though but mine would get this at your DD age. This obviously won't work for all DC so you need to find what works best for you but just an idea.

Good luck, it's not easy, you sound like you're putting a lot of thought into how you parent her which is lovely.

Porpoiselife · 17/03/2017 14:32

Take a look at my replies. Look at how many times I have thanked people for good advice and information.

Well you've thanked those who have agreed with your parenting technique and suggested things along the same lines of not punishing, not saying no, not instilling boundaries. You've slated everyone else.

Its the everyone else that have children they can now take out and about places, to peoples house, to restaurants without feeling a sense of dread each time. These children are not all blindly following orders they have simply developed good social skills and respect for others.

But go for it. Do let us know how that works out for you.

SuddenRealisation · 17/03/2017 15:27

ARum - yes. I've read most of it.. She did say she tells her daughter no repeatedly and ends up shouting out of frustration sometimes.
So she is trying to teach her daughter.
However, at this age, these things take time to sink in, that's all.
She sounds like a good mum. And I agree that children don't need to be taught to blindly follow all orders. Following some orders is paramount to safety of course but everything in moderation.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 17/03/2017 15:28

TinklyLittleLaugh Grin

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 17/03/2017 15:37

Oh good yet another
OP: AIBU?
Everyone else: yes
OP: you're all mean

Oh and by the way NoCapes is awesome and your snide comment was needless not that she needs your approval

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 17/03/2017 15:37

Pram not order, fucks sake

NoCapes · 17/03/2017 15:53

Thanks Saor & Unicorn

OP I'm sorry if my replies were a bit snappy, but once you get to the age where you start having other people's children round for play dates/tea/sleepovers, you will see why most of us are pretty exasperated by the amount of people tiptoeing around parenting and never wanting to be the bad guy and ending up with bratty selfish kids with no respect for anyone with authority
As a parent sometimes you have to be the one to piss on their chips and say no, that's just life I'm afraid
She won't turn into a passive zombie who just does as she's told without questioning it (ha I wish it was that easy!) she'll just learn that sometimes grown ups know better, and that the whole world doesn't revolve around her - which will only be good for her in the long run

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/03/2017 15:59

Here it is 🎖 The medal you're clearly looking for. You're the perfect parent, the rest of us are shrill harpies. We get it.

Weird though, that her behaviour is 'driving you up the wall', yet you are right and we are wrong. If it's only 'up high' storage solutions you are after, perhaphs Ikea is a better bet than MN.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 17/03/2017 16:59

Everything Capes just said, word for word. There is no magic answer, it's just putting boundaries in place and respect for other people's belongings.

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 17/03/2017 16:59

Only read first page but reading about no discipline made me want to but in.
I've come to realise over the last week that I have spoilt my ds and been too soft, threatening discipline but never following through. I'm paying for it now, he doesn't believe a word I say, I have no control over him and I am ashamed I've let it come to this, his behaviour is awful and violent towards me (fortunately he's well behaved when out/at school. I've put my foot down recently and started to follow through. He's 4.
Please introduce discipline to your child. 3 is old enough to have consequences for actions, I've learnt this the hard way.
I have to have a small set of steps (that fold up, hard for kids to unfold) to get scissors from the top of my kitchen cupboards, is this a possibility? Child locks, I'm sure a LL would give permission for these. Top of wardrobes, hooks over doors.

dowhatnow · 17/03/2017 17:09

high - It shouldn't be too late. It will be harder at first because he is used to getting his own way and you usually give in so at first he will ramp up the behaviour hoping that you give in as usual. But keep calm, keep going and be consistent. Eventually he will realise. Lots of good advice on this thread for you to follow. Be consistent. Always, always follow through and don't threaten anything that you can't carry out. Good luck.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/03/2017 17:33

So far, we've avoided the "no" phase with DD and I'm glad of it.

You haven't managed to avoid the doing naughty stuff time and time again despite your "modelling good behaviour" though have you? Hmm

Footle · 17/03/2017 17:33

I haven't read all of the thread, so am wondering whether OP is mean enough to prevent the little girl from running away in the street. Fairly similar technique to in-house enforcement really.

CheshireChat · 17/03/2017 20:45

Whilst OP may or may not be strict enough inside, there's a big leap to assume she'll just allow her DD to jump in front of a car.

Also, by not using 'NO!' all the time, it tends to be more effective so suddenly shouting it would probably stop her little girl in her tracks.

Sorry OP, but I think you'll have to watch her as you would a smaller child until she outgrows this phase and I say that with a similar DS but with a well baby proofed house.

Footle · 18/03/2017 07:25

I meant that keeping a child safe out of the house is an essential skill
which OP must already have mastered. It shouldn't be that hard to apply the same skill inside the house. What the child is doing at home is unsafe as well as inconvenient.

dowhatnow · 18/03/2017 08:33

The best, most fun teachers that I worked with were those that could relax and have a laugh with the kids - but that was because those kids knew exactly where they stood and that there would be severe consequences if they pushed the teacher too far. So they knew not to, they didn't even try to, and therefore the teacher could be a real fun teacher because they had no problems regarding discipline. In contrast the kids rang rings round some softer teachers who they didn't respect and less teaching and fun happened.

This also applies to parents I know.