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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you cannot call me a liar when your son is on video stealing!!!

138 replies

LesSmiths1 · 15/03/2017 10:08

I posted this thread a week back www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2873017-My-stepson-is-stealing-from-me

One solution was that we put cameras up and we did, we never told dss about them and tried to conceal them as much as possible.

In my room I left my handbag, cctv shoes dss walk into our room, go through my bag, pull out my purse and take £50 out.

So we sent the footage not only to dss Mum but to the police. He was arrested and given a caution by the police.

I'm so glad that I've finally been proven right after being called a liar and being accused of making it up as a conspiracy against dss.

It has caused a lot of grief going to the police for dh from ex but hopefully it is worth it for dss to finally have some discipline.

Thank you mumsnet.

OP posts:
FreeNiki · 16/03/2017 05:21

I wouldnt have gone to the house again after an arrest.

Interestingly there was a thread on here mere days ago about a 17yo dss who habitually called his 4yo half brother a cunt, screamed at him and was nasty to his step brothers : one in particular he saw naked and taunted him about his body. None of the children liked him. The consensus was he's had a difficult time and needs love bombing.......!

Here an arrest is fine and just desserts Shock As I said he doesnt take from his mum he buys stuff fir her house with the stolen money. one wonders what affect hiz mothers attitude to his dads new family has on him.

I would have shown him the cctv and said if anything else goes missing I'll have you arrested. give him a chance to change.

RebootYourEngine · 16/03/2017 06:06

Good on you OP i think the police were needed. You tried to sort things out between yourselves but got nowhere. Not sure if i would have had him round at the moment though. Hope you still have the cameras up just in case he wants to get revenge.

yousignup · 16/03/2017 06:14

I work in the law, admittedly outside the UK. Here we would try to persuade the family not to press charges or push for a caution. Hopefully a trip to the station would be enough. I see UK DBS checks for people who want to work here, and it does come up. It also tends to fracture the family permanently.

Trifleorbust · 16/03/2017 06:41

Oh dear. He would have been banned from my home until he apologised but none of this 'I'm the victim' stuff is convincing me.

Trifleorbust · 16/03/2017 06:45

ImFuckingSpartacus: He's not just 'someone' though. He's family and a child.

emmyhNL · 16/03/2017 07:11

I'm completely on the side of the OP.

  • He repeatedly stole from his step mum and step sisters
  • He was given warnings not to do so
  • He did it again.

There has to be consequences. What else are they supposed to do? Tiptoe around him and let him get his way with no personal boundaries. I think the OP and her DH were kind to let him back in. The only way he'd be allowed in my house is if he would be constantly supervised and had apologised to all those he stole from.

WateryTart · 16/03/2017 07:31

Keep the cameras, OP, I don't think he'll stop.

user1471545174 · 16/03/2017 07:31

Keep the cameras rolling, you aren't out of the woods yet. But well done OP.

His mum sounds daft.

ChristopherWren · 16/03/2017 08:21

I completely understand why you got the cameras but I think you went too far in involving the police at this stage. I hope it has done the trick as it's such an unpleasant situation for you to be in.

I'm not defending him as he is completely in the wrong and this needs sorting. You do seem a bit focussed on the mother though rather than finding out why he did it and how to move forward?

Willow2017 · 16/03/2017 08:28

Sometimes they leave you no option. His mum seems to think it's ok so why should he bother stopping. She isn't that stupid that she doesn't know where all his tech is coming from.

When all talking has failed them a caution is a wsje up call. It wont stop him getting a job in the future. It might however make him realise he can't go stealing from people without consequences and they are not putting up with it any more.

Willow2017 · 16/03/2017 08:29

Wake up!

Bellerophon · 16/03/2017 09:28

The mother of the DSS is a serious issue here and the one that is enabling him.

I'd argue that somehow she needs to be confronted, ideally by your DH, to get this kid on the rails again - as anything you do to correct him, could be undermined hugely by her whispering in his ear at her home, enabling him etc

Bellerophon · 16/03/2017 09:28

Willow2017 - that's helpful isn't it 😞

Original poster
LesSmiths1 · 16/03/2017 09:43

He has apologised to me and has confessed to his dad of stealing money from me and my dc of the same age. He has admitted. We asked about what he did with the money he has brought clothes trainers and other stuff with it all of which are at mums. Dh asked him why did he steal and he said I knew where the money was and just took it.

We do always give him money he has plenty of trainers, tech and clothes.

In regards to the police i don't think I had a choice. I think his mum has failed him and this is why the behaviour is so bad. How you can tell your child their other parent doesn't love you is beyond. Dh has decided he wants to have dss live here full time because clearly his mum is not responsible enough to have him. Dh is even willing to go to court if need be.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 16/03/2017 09:51

In regards to the police i don't think I had a choice.

Why not? Serious question. If your DH wants him there full time he can't be completely out of control, so why did you need to have him arrested?

redexpat · 16/03/2017 10:21

To show that such behaviour is a very serious matter, that comes with serious consequences perhaps? Someone has to teach him this fairly crucial life lesson which at 17 he should already have learned. His own mother isnt going to so someone else has to. Thats why the DH wants him at theirs - to try and repair the damage done ny an utterly ineffective enabling mother.

BastardGoDarkly · 16/03/2017 10:27

Imo you did absolutely the right thing op.

I'm glad he's been round.

Unfortunate you'll have to write off the 300 quid, but I think its best for a clean slate.

He's old enough now for his mum not to have such an impact.

I hope everything improves for all of you now.

BastardGoDarkly · 16/03/2017 10:30

Do you have to go to court over a 16 year old? I thought if they left home, the police couldn't force them back at 16?

Just move him in, if that's what you all want.

How do your dc get on with him?

GemmaWella81 · 16/03/2017 10:39

Why go to court? By the time it'd get through to be seen he'd be on the cusp of being 18.

It all reads yr more interested in sticking it to his mother for her parenting then genuinely being concerned for his behavior.

I'm sure dragging a teen into your house when they already dislike you is going to drastically improve things. I predict months of aggro (that's if you win custody) and he'll be out the door ASAP soon as he can at 18.

Sure by all means punish him, but don't expect to play happy families you've already gone further than most would. Nobody is saying be a doormat, but don't expect flowers waving in the sunshine and pleasantries if you carry on being so tough with the discipline.

FreeNiki · 16/03/2017 10:43

Dh has decided he wants to have dss live here full time because clearly his mum is not responsible enough to have him. Dh is even willing to go to court if need be.

Just so you know a family court would not ve impressed about a residence order application for a 16 year old. They wint grant it.

If he doesnt agree to live with you there us nothing you can do. the court wont force a 16 year old to move if he doesnt want to

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/03/2017 10:51

I think your DH has failed him too, to be honest.

FreeNiki · 16/03/2017 10:53

Also imagine the court finding out you get him arrested the first time you have conclusive proof. No attempt to deal with it within the home as soon as you can prove it.

Wotshudwehave4T · 16/03/2017 11:04

You've done the right thing OP by involving the police and him getting a caution which has resulted in a confession, apology and explanation from him. He's reflected and taken responsibility although he had his hand forced. Perhaps your DH should not cause further conflict by trying to get him away from his mum. He's old enough to make that decision himself. Allow him some space, but also support and comfort in trying to come to terms with what he's done to heal the relationships in your house rather than concentrating on breaking up the one with his mum.

Willow2017 · 16/03/2017 11:10

Bellerophon Thu 16-Mar-17 09:28:43

Willow2017 - that's helpful isn't it 😞

If you are referring to the 'wake up; it was because it was spelt wrong in my previous post I was correcting myself!

Original poster
LesSmiths1 · 16/03/2017 11:28

I think dh thinks it's got to the where his mum is becoming a problem. Dss has recognised that she is trying to create unrest.

She did know he was stealing apparently she said it's okay as long as it's us and he doesn't get caught. Me and dh have had a long talk this morning about and I think he is best with us full time. He wants to live here and he doesn't like mums partners he would never force him to stay anywhere and he has stayed here longer than he was supposed to and at mums. We leave it up to him and let him decide and he has said that he wants to live with us and go on holiday with us. He is clearly responding to who has his interest In mind clearly not his mother who's only interest is to use him as weopan to attack me and dh.

OP posts: