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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you cannot call me a liar when your son is on video stealing!!!

138 replies

LesSmiths1 · 15/03/2017 10:08

I posted this thread a week back www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2873017-My-stepson-is-stealing-from-me

One solution was that we put cameras up and we did, we never told dss about them and tried to conceal them as much as possible.

In my room I left my handbag, cctv shoes dss walk into our room, go through my bag, pull out my purse and take £50 out.

So we sent the footage not only to dss Mum but to the police. He was arrested and given a caution by the police.

I'm so glad that I've finally been proven right after being called a liar and being accused of making it up as a conspiracy against dss.

It has caused a lot of grief going to the police for dh from ex but hopefully it is worth it for dss to finally have some discipline.

Thank you mumsnet.

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/03/2017 14:00

Actually, thinking about it, the caution would be a step too far for me. It could mess up his whole life. I wouldn't mess up one of my kids' lives for the sake of £300.

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2017 14:02

No the caution wont mess his life up Tinkly - the fact that hes a thieving and lying human who thinks he can do what he likes with no consequences might though unless he changes asap.

DoingThisRight · 15/03/2017 14:05

But it's not just the money tinkly it's about him stealing from the op and her children. Why would you want a thief around you? Better to deal with it now than him thinking he gets away with this and does something worse.

semanwen · 15/03/2017 14:08

Well done for exposing this thief. Do not let him come anywhere near your D.C. They don't need people like that around him. His mother must feel so proud.

What about his father? The child has 2 parents

He is 16. He sounds like he has been let down by all of the adults in his life.

semanwen · 15/03/2017 14:09

No the caution wont mess his life up Tinkly

Of course it will.
He is 16 with a caution.
What if he wants any job that entails an enhanced DBS.

10storeylovesong · 15/03/2017 14:09

To be issued with a caution he has to admit the offence, which kind of shows up his mum's denials. I think you'll need to accept that the money has gone though unless you're happy to do what others have suggested with birthday presents etc. Well done for having the courage as I've seen far too many times how this can escalate.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/03/2017 14:12

Laguna he is a 16 year old lad with divoerced parents and goodness knows what trauma from that, a looney tune mother unable to impress any kind of behaviour standards on him, a stepmother who obviously really dislikes him (and seems positively gleeful that he is a theif) and a father who actually seems totally passive in all this.

Yes I actually feel a bit sorry for him.

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2017 14:14

What if he wants any job that entails an enhanced DBS

He should have thought of that before he continually steals from his own family then. No wonder some adults think the world owes them a living.

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2017 14:15

I feel more sorry for the OPs children who cant relax in their own home without fear of their property and money going missing.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/03/2017 14:40

Strangely enough, mixed up teenagers aren't the best at taking a long cool look at the future, and how their actions now could affect it. And presumably it is the DS's home, as well as the home one of the OP's children?

My DD took one of our credit cards aged 15 and ordered a ton of stuff online. When the charge came up on our statement she denied all knowledge. She stood by while I desperately tried to convince the card company that it was a fraud. My DH finally worked out that it was her.

Should I have shopped her to the police? In fact we did a hell of a lot of work to try and find out why she'd done it (mixture of keeping up with spoilt mates and self harming issues) and to help her, and thankfully she's never done anything similar since.

But hey, should have saved ourselves the trouble and just got her cautioned right?

amberdillyduck · 15/03/2017 14:56

But hey, should have saved ourselves the trouble and just got her cautioned right?

You know you did the right thing

Age 16 my DDs best friends parents were breaking up - hideous fall out, blaming etc. She did something stupid.

The bloody parents argued with each other about who was the worst parent whilst I sorted out police and got a solicitor on hold.

Made her refuse to accept a caution (if you give your teens no other advice give them this- never accept a caution without a parent and solicitor being there)

It was dropped (it wasn't a major thing all all- small damage to property from a very angry screwed up teen). We paid the £25 to repair it.

10 years later she is an adult and about to qualify as a nurse. If she had taken a caution her route to that would have been blocked (she worked and studied as she was homeless at 17 as her parents were too into blaming each other and hating each others new partners to care)

You know the old philip larkin poem

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

This boy has 2 parents and sounds like they have both royally fucked him up- blaming just the mother is outrageous.

Astoria7974 · 15/03/2017 15:03

Keep the cameras. If he steals again it will be his second charge and he'll finally get into trouble.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2017 15:13

What if he wants any job that entails an enhanced DBS I have done many jobs, including as a teen, which involve enhanced screening. Do I think that a boy who routinely steals and lies about it is the best person for one of those jobs? No.

Yes, he's 16 but those kinds of jobs, working with children for example, put you in situations where you have to use very good judgement. He doesn't have very good judgement.

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2017 15:15

And presumably it is the DS's home, as well as the home one of the OP's children?

Yes and hes the thief, not the other children.

milliemolliemou · 15/03/2017 15:22

Sorry Tinkly - the OP said in her original thread how SS was very welcome in the house .... until money went missing and he denied it and DP's ex said it was all lies etc etc. More money then went missing and things escalated with DP's ex still in denial. Hence the cameras.

I agree DP should have taken his son aside and had a man to man but this might have been taken badly by his ex who seems to be out of control but sadly in control of their son. I also agree a caution is extreme (but needs a confession) so DP should have been ahead there when the footage was found explainig the impact and that he still loved him but ...

Yes it's not good for a 16 year old but better than learning to steal full time and going to jail or having a suspended sentence.

Clearly none of us know all sides but it appears Ex is ridiculous and harming her child while DP has let things slide with his son.

Astoria7974 · 15/03/2017 15:26

To be honest I think if your DP doesn't have much of a relationship with your DSS anymore, and he's causing harm to your other kids than due to his age, it might be better to stop having him round. I say this with a heavy heart because I have a dsd who I adore & am grateful everyday that it was me who raised her and not her mum (who is really silly and has seemed to have raised a houseful of thieves and liars).

sashh · 15/03/2017 15:52

I'm so glad that I've finally been proven right after being called a liar and being accused of making it up as a conspiracy against dss.

What a way to prove your dss's mother tells lies. Do you feel proud of yourself?

Teenagers steal from family for two reasons. 1)they have an addiction or 2) they feel they are not getting love so take cash instead.

The poor sod is cut off from many careers now, and many experiences such as uni placements.

That caution also means he can't share a home with anyone who is a teacher and if vetting continues other careers too.

But it proves his mother wrong.

Yes, he's 16 but those kinds of jobs, working with children for example, put you in situations where you have to use very good judgement. He doesn't have very good judgement.

Not at the moment, but you have no idea what / who he will turn out to be.

What about the judgement of his parents? And his step mother?

This is a child who doesn't have a room at his dad's and has to share with an unrelated child. Who quite understandably gets upset when his father spends time with his step siblings rather than him.

A child who's mother drops him off at his fathers whenever she has a boyfriend.

If you wanted proof you didn't need to put £50 in your bag - but you did. If you wanted him to stop you could have told him there will be cameras, but you didn't.

MrsTwix · 15/03/2017 16:02

It hasn't messed up his life. If he wants a job in a field where enhanced DBS is needed all he needs to do is stop stealing and sort his life out. In 5 years time no employer will care about the caution as long as there isn't anything else. Some of the best social workers I ever worked with had minor stuff on their DBS from childhood. (They told me I didn't snoop!). Any employer looking for advanced DBS is checking for sex offenders and so on. They won't care about what a daft teenager got up to. Most employers etc don't get the advanced check and will never know.

The alternative is for him to keep getting away with it and end up with a worse record spin a few years time, which won't go away as quickly once he is an adult.

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/03/2017 16:04

What would you have done if she kept doing it? This isn't a one off, the DSS has repeatedly stolen and lied. He's been given chances and proved that he's a lying thief.

MrsTwix · 15/03/2017 16:05

As for the thing about not being allowed to live with a teacher, that's for sex offenders and seriously violent people.

Msqueen33 · 15/03/2017 16:36

Well done. Stealing shouldn't be condoned. Sounds like his mum is well on the way to messing him up. Maybe your dh needs to say that things between him and the mother are tricky and that he loves his son very much.

Msqueen33 · 15/03/2017 16:42

@TinklyLittleLaugh probably easy to sort out if the parents are together and one isn't bat shit.

I feel for the kid as obviously his life is a mess but I can't believe the op went to the police lightheartedly (well I hope not). What if this boy got involved with one of your kids and stole from you? You'd blame the parents and ask why they hadn't done more.

But the kid does need a stable home and it sounds like he needs help. No one knows this kid. He could be lovely but troubled or maybe he's just not a particularly nice kid (as some just aren't). Maybe this is the wake up call he needs.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/03/2017 16:57

Chipped I don't know, but we swung into action when she did it the once (and blamed ourselves for being slack and letting her down). My kids would have to be pretty out of control before I'd want them to have a criminal record.

The OP's DSS is not a danger to society. He's stealing from them. I think they should sort him out themselves. Getting him a criminal record and making his relationship with his Dad more difficult is not going to help him.

diaimchlo · 15/03/2017 17:25

Tinkly

Or just maybe his Mother should stop enabling him to get himself in the position of being given a caution by being in denial and at loggerheads with his Father.

IMHO the OP has done the right thing and hopefully he will have learnt from this. If not and he cuts contact with his DSM, DF and family, he is likely to carry on stealing it will most probably from his DM and DSF, then it will be their problem for enabling him to think it is an OK thing to do.

Original poster

LesSmiths1 · 15/03/2017 17:32

Maybe your dh needs to say that things between him and the mother are tricky and that he loves his son very much.

Yes of coarse he says that too him. Dss has been dropped round so normal arrangements are in place He's friendly I think it's best to forget about it all now.

OP posts:

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