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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you cannot call me a liar when your son is on video stealing!!!

138 replies

LesSmiths1 · 15/03/2017 10:08

I posted this thread a week back www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2873017-My-stepson-is-stealing-from-me

One solution was that we put cameras up and we did, we never told dss about them and tried to conceal them as much as possible.

In my room I left my handbag, cctv shoes dss walk into our room, go through my bag, pull out my purse and take £50 out.

So we sent the footage not only to dss Mum but to the police. He was arrested and given a caution by the police.

I'm so glad that I've finally been proven right after being called a liar and being accused of making it up as a conspiracy against dss.

It has caused a lot of grief going to the police for dh from ex but hopefully it is worth it for dss to finally have some discipline.

Thank you mumsnet.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 15/03/2017 17:35

Tinkly
The op and her dh have tried that and he has continued to steal from them and his siblings. His mother denies it despite him using the money to buy expensive gadgets for at his mother's house.

Why should his siblings continue to have money stolen from them in their own home?

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/03/2017 17:39

Quite agree willow. The idea of sorting this out within the family is laughable given part of the family is condoning the behaviour. It's a very different thing to discipline a child together as a couple, compared to the situation the Op is in.

Astoria7974 · 15/03/2017 17:51

Ffs my brother had a caution at 16 too. He's now a Pharmacist and passed his enhanced dbs with flying colours for uni and work - the dbs allows you to check people's convictions against specific safeguarding ones (usually involving kids). Nobody cares about a single caution in this type of situation. It's when it proves to be a pattern that it gets problematic

sashh · 15/03/2017 18:00

In 5 years time no employer will care about the caution as long as there isn't anything else.

Some do.

Lots of college courses don't let you enroll with anything on your DBS.

Hulababy · 15/03/2017 18:03

A caution at 16 will not have a massive impact on his life later on so long as he stops now and doesn't have more on his record.

The only one responsible for him having a police caution is himself. No one else. He did the crime, he is responsible for the caution.

Sometimes a proper real life shock is needed to stop the continuing issue. If it was a one off then maybe police would be OTT but not when it is continuing despite being spoken too about it.

His mother isn't helping.

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2017 18:07

Dss has been dropped round so normal arrangements are in place He's friendly I think it's best to forget about it all now

Good luck with that one, until the next time it kicks off. There's nothing normal about needing CCTV in your own house to catch a family member stealing and there's nothing normal about children not feeling that their possessions are safe in their own house either.

amberdillyduck · 15/03/2017 18:08

A caution at 16 will not have a massive impact on his life

It has to be declared as part of the application/interview process of many jobs and so you cant possibly say that.

Mummyme1987 · 15/03/2017 18:20

Things like this are spent after a small amount of time and won't show up on all but the most enhanced dbs. As he's 16 I doubt anyone will care in a few years. Better this than carry on stealing and a criminal lifestyle and get convicted.

Mummyme1987 · 15/03/2017 18:22

This seems to say it's spend straight away.

Whatthefudger · 15/03/2017 18:25

In the area I work in its hard. Colleague of mine has a caution for theft. He can't advance any further because he can't be accredited.

I was a dick at 16. A selfish nasty arse. It's only by fate I didn't get police involvement. Someone said above that a 16 year old doesn't always take a cool look into the future and it's right. Im so bloody glad now because of the career I chose, bearing in mind this was a career i didn't tink of at 16.

I think to have potentially closed off avenues of his future is wrong

emmyhNL · 15/03/2017 18:44

Has he mentioned anything OP? Has DSS actually apologised for stealing? That'd mean a lot to me

Goldfishing · 15/03/2017 19:04

An enhanced DBS check will not show this caution once the DSS reaches an age where he will be looking for employment.

It is considered spent immediately and, since the rules changed on 10th March 2014, the caution will be filtered and will not appear on any DBS check after (I think) 1 year.

I believe the filtering rules are slightly different if he subsequently obtains another caution or conviction, but as things stand, this caution will not show in any employment check.

Goldfishing · 15/03/2017 19:08

Colleague of mine has a caution for theft. He can't advance any further because he can't be accredited

If it was more that 6 years ago, it will be filtered and will not appear on an enhanced DBS check

Original poster
LesSmiths1 · 15/03/2017 19:37

But I had a right to go to police I was a victim of theft. Like others have said a caution is better than a convinction.

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 15/03/2017 20:09

Well done. You have given him enough warnings and chances

Hulababy · 15/03/2017 20:42

As he is under 17y he is classed as a juvenile, and whilst it will show up on an enhanced DBS it really is unlikely to cause too much damage for the majority of jobs. tES, IT COULD HINDER HIM IN A SMALL NUMBER OF JOBS THOUGH. Heck, he could even potentially still get a job in a few years as a police officer or in a prison. However, if he does anything more, leading to addition stuff on his record, he risks far more damage to himself.

Foxysoxy01 · 15/03/2017 20:54

I think you were wrong and I think your DH has failed his son.

The young man was definitely in the wrong and his behaviour needed to be sorted. It was unfair on your kids to have to live with his attitude and stealing, but I think you have been completely blinkered to anything other than your kids and vengeance against his crap behaviour. I understand your children are the most important thing in your life but DSS is also one of your children albeit a step child and he is a very hurt, confused and angry lad crying out for help.

It's very sad it has come to this and I really do feel your DH and the boys DM have failed him massively.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 15/03/2017 23:26

he is a very hurt, confused and angry lad crying out for help.

Foxy where is your proof? How do you know he isn't just a thief who thinks he's entitled to take whatever he wants?

OP I think you did the right thing. Some people are just out to make others' lives hell, and it very much sounds like the ex is one of them. There's no point trying to reason or negotiate with them, because they know exactly what they're doing and they have no intention of stopping. Whether the D(S)S is doing this prompted by his mother or whether it is his own decision entirely, it had to stop. You'd tried everything else, this was a last, and unwilling, resort on your part. I don't think you failed him, you were up against his mother who would have sabotaged any efforts you made to try to deal with this differently.

DoJo · 16/03/2017 00:35

Teenagers steal from family for two reasons. 1)they have an addiction or 2) they feel they are not getting love so take cash instead.

That would be nice if it were true. I stole from my parents because I wanted stuff that I couldn't afford on my pocket money and I was a bit of a shit.

Atenco · 16/03/2017 01:16

I think a lot of people are losing sight of the imperative that this lad needs to learn not to steal, for his own sake, frankly.

Yes it is awful to have someone steal from you but you can take measures to protect your property, however this lad's life will be seriously blighted if he doesn't stop stealing.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 16/03/2017 03:58

What if he wants any job that entails an enhanced DBS

Then he won't get the job, because he's a thief. That is on him, not his stepmother.

Teenagers steal from family for two reasons. 1)they have an addiction or 2) they feel they are not getting love so take cash instead

Yes those 2 reasons. Plus lots of other reasons as well, such as "because they want to".

FreeNiki · 16/03/2017 04:58

He doesn't steal from.his own mum. Just his step mum and half siblings.

His mums poisonous attitude may be behind it as he seems to think he is entitled to steal.

I really wouldnt have let arrangements proceed as normal. He's 16 not 11. I would have said maybe it's best you dont stay this time if I can't trust you.

I cant believe he wanted to come over as normal after being arrested.

yousignup · 16/03/2017 05:11

This thread has played on my mind all right. Those of us with 16 year old sons who do nasty, mean, illegal and spiteful things because of so many different reasons. I would hope that someone would be kind enough not to get my child arrrested. Yes, he's done a bad thing, but a caution?

ImFuckingSpartacus · 16/03/2017 05:19

Kind? Someone repeatedly and brazenly steals from you and your children, in your home, and you think they are unkind for calling the police?

Hmm

He deserves a caution because he is a criminal.