To not babysit again

[wazzzock]

Hiya, please bare with me, I'm aware I may be over reacting & hormonal but ... a bit of back story so no drip feeding
I often used to look after my nephew as a baby, my brother works away and SIL worked shifts. I would help out where possible, do nursery runs (it's right next to my work).
SIl became SAHM for a while so for about 16 months I didn't babysit at all, but would still pop over to see SIL while my db was away.
SIL has a new job & I have a weeks holiday, nephew was poorly at the weekend so couldn't go to nursery but SIL didn't want to cancel her shift, I offered to help last minute.
Nephew is now 3, I haven't looked after him since he was a baby and don't have much experience with toddlers, all morning he tested boundaries - expected behaviour.
I went to the supermarket just to grab a couple bits for our lunch, took DN with me, walked past magazine aisle he asked for one and I said yes as a treat, explained we could sit and colour/do puzzles together after lunch.
next aisle... sweets, DN turned into devil child, demanded I bought him something, and it all escalated into ww3. I put the magazine back and dn proceeded to throw himself onto the floor, kicking screaming. I tried picking him up to get him out the shop & he started kicking and pushing me. Just at that moment SIL phones to check we are ok she could hear the commotion & I explained what was going on and that I needed to go.
I am 32 weeks pregnant with our 1st baby, and the reply I had from SIL was ' maybe you should have thought about having this kid if you can't handle a toddler for the day'.

The comment really hurt, we've been ttc for nearly 4 years & are more than excited about the imminent arrival, and secondly I was doing her a favour. I was kind of hoping for a few words of 'what to do' rather than a slating.
He had another once we were home as I told him not to keep pushing the Telly making it wobble, and he then smashed his toy he'd bought for the day into little bits.
I am due to look after dn again Thursday but now I really don't want to.
So wibu to say no, and if not then any advice on dealing with these tantrums, they are beyond any kind of strop I've witnessed before.

It's not like I can even have a glass bottle of wine afterwards!

blankmind the OP should tell her SIL the truth , that wasn't the reason she cancelled , she shouldn't have to sugar coat it

I would ask for an apology. It was a heartless comment from her and you shouldn't continue to be nice to her!

I think it is within the realms of normal...As against being 'the norm'. Neither of mine have really been tantrummers despite being ferociously still strong willed. One is more likely to push it for longer, but being older has the language to vocalise her feelings whereas a 3 yr old doesn't...Hence the frustration I guess. I have friends with well behaved, well brought up, neurotypical kids who have been known to throw a wobbler though.

I'm afraid she will just think that you can't cope, whereas it was her unpleasant comment that was the problem.

I agree with this, after all, his behaviour wasn't outrageous for his age, but her comment was absolute dickery. I have a three year old and they are hard work sometimes.

I think you've been too nice in your text - you've apologised and you've given her an easy option of saying that you have to babysit.

Try being less nice (think of it as being nice to your new baby by having a nice relaxed day - I know I'd have needed them at 32 weeks!) - along the lines of SIL - having had dn today, it's not going to be possible to look after him on Thursday. I'm sure that you'll be able to find an alternative babysitter, one who is more able than you think I am to look after a tantrumming toddler. You're right, I need to start with my own baby and work my way up to dealing with a naughty toddler.

Good luck!

Has she replied??

You are well within your grounds to duck out of baby sitting. However, if you do decide to help then it doesn't matter if Mummy caves to the tantrum, DN will soon learn you aren't a pushover.

I found the best way to handle it is to ignore it and let them get on with it. DD1 (now an adult) did this to me in Woolworths. Granted I was a tad embarrassed but I just let her roll around on the floor. I stood there with my arms folded and a bored look. I just watched to make sure she wasn't going to get injured. I ended up giving a little running commentary in a tedious sort of voice to deal wirh the judgy looks of other customers. "When you have finished, we can go." "I can stand here all day if I have to" "Mummy might fall for this but Auntie Wazz won't". She only did it the once.

Maybe you can show Mummy how it should be done and have a good gloat. I'd be rather smug if he didn't tantrum with me but was a nightmare for his Mum.

Her comment was totally unnecessary and very mean. DN was only trying it on, as all good 3 year olds should. You'll know what to do next time and will cope just fine. You just need to be firm, consistent and stand your ground. Do you think she is jealous of your pregnancy? Maybe she's ready for a second and for some reason has to wait. Not that that excuses her.

Blimey. How rude!

You learn to cope with the behaviour if it's your child but when you haven't spent much time with him lately that reaction was bound to be a shock.

Tell her to do one!

Hiya, sorry for the delayed post, I have received a reply from sil -
'Hi wazz, I'm shocked you found a few toddler strops too much to handle especially that of your own dn which by the way every child of his age has, you'll learn soon enough I'm sure. I'm covered Thursday thanks, see you soon.'

So I had a little cry, then I re read the text along with all of your replies, and sent this in return..
'Hi sil, it wasn't the behaviour of dn that has made me pull out of Thursday, It was in fact your behaviour, your comment on whether I should 'have this kid' due to my lack of experience. It was nasty and rude, and doesn't make me want to do you any more favours, you'll learn soon enough not to be so patronizing and rude to people helping you out.

Let us know what SIL says! On the behaviour front, some children are just a lot harder work than others. DD1 was very good. I said no and had to follow through about twice and then she got it. Of course I attributed it to my "great parenting". DD2 on the other hand has been far more work. I've said no until I'm blue in the face and I always follow through but she still pushes the boundaries constantly.

Wow! Tiger mum get theirs clause away!!! Ohhh do update - you did the right thing!!

Eurgh what a cow! Well done for replying as you did.

Parenting your child, will be different from parenting your nephew, your child will grow up with you, your nephew has not, you are not his parents, so testing the boundaries. Your SIL comment was awful, as your 32 weeks, I would tell her no, your tired.

Bloody good on you with that second text OP. Your SIL was being a total cow with her comments

Mumw
she might be a little put out with our dc on the way. We all spent Christmas at my parents & dn is currently the only grandchild.
Sil made a comment xmas day to dn when opening his presents something like, make the most of this as next year you won't be getting all of this once wazz's baby gets in on the presents. We were all a bit . my dad did pipe up and say we could have 100 grandchildren and they'd all be treated the same.

Great reply

Great reply OP. She sounds like a piece of work - esp with that comment at Christmas too

Good for you. How dare she?

I don't blame you for not wanting to do your SIL any favours. I hope she reads your second text and apologises for her rudeness and for being incredibly patronising and superior.

Not all children have tantrums and even if they do, dealing with your own child's tantrum is very different to having to deal with someone else's.

So glad you sent that last reply. She is rude and entitled. Don't back down! In fact just avoid all contact.

She sounds hideous. You (and your dad!) sound awesome.
Well done on that reply.

what your seeing right here is... SIL's true colours.... and they're not pretty...

well done you for kicking back the dirt xx

Great text OP; I hope she sends a real apology... but not expecting it.

I suspect that she is jealous of you for some reason and her comments were an attempt to make you feel inferior. Not nice.

Thank you, I agree with pp's my first text seemed a little.. wet?!
I don't like confrontation and am a bit of a coward, I didn't want an argument I'd have happily had dn again if SIL could maybe have said when he does that... we do this.. I don't really know what I expected just not the snipey comment. It may have been said in defence if she felt I was slating her sons behaviour, but I still don't feel it's an excuse.