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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not babysit again

177 replies

wazzzock · 14/03/2017 15:54

Hiya, please bare with me, I'm aware I may be over reacting & hormonal but ... a bit of back story so no drip feeding
I often used to look after my nephew as a baby, my brother works away and SIL worked shifts. I would help out where possible, do nursery runs (it's right next to my work).
SIl became SAHM for a while so for about 16 months I didn't babysit at all, but would still pop over to see SIL while my db was away.
SIL has a new job & I have a weeks holiday, nephew was poorly at the weekend so couldn't go to nursery but SIL didn't want to cancel her shift, I offered to help last minute.
Nephew is now 3, I haven't looked after him since he was a baby and don't have much experience with toddlers, all morning he tested boundaries - expected behaviour.
I went to the supermarket just to grab a couple bits for our lunch, took DN with me, walked past magazine aisle he asked for one and I said yes as a treat, explained we could sit and colour/do puzzles together after lunch.
next aisle... sweets, DN turned into devil child, demanded I bought him something, and it all escalated into ww3. I put the magazine back and dn proceeded to throw himself onto the floor, kicking screaming. I tried picking him up to get him out the shop & he started kicking and pushing me. Just at that moment SIL phones to check we are ok Confused she could hear the commotion & I explained what was going on and that I needed to go.
I am 32 weeks pregnant with our 1st baby, and the reply I had from SIL was ' maybe you should have thought about having this kid if you can't handle a toddler for the day'.

The comment really hurt, we've been ttc for nearly 4 years & are more than excited about the imminent arrival, and secondly I was doing her a favour. I was kind of hoping for a few words of 'what to do' rather than a slating.
He had another once we were home as I told him not to keep pushing the Telly making it wobble, and he then smashed his toy he'd bought for the day into little bits. Hmm
I am due to look after dn again Thursday but now I really don't want to.
So wibu to say no, and if not then any advice on dealing with these tantrums, they are beyond any kind of strop I've witnessed before.

It's not like I can even have a glass bottle of wine afterwards!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/03/2017 16:22

My DD did this and I just walked away and left her on the floor.
She soon followed.
She did the same to my DSis. She called me and asked me what to do.
I told her to walk away.
She never did it again.
Each toddler tantrum is different and each parent handles it differently.
I've no idea how you are supposed to know how to handle it!!
I'd be telling her you are 32 weeks PG and you can't have him on Thursday as you just can't handle the tantrums and kicking.
What if he kicks you really hard in the stomach. Not worth the risk!

BonnyScotland · 14/03/2017 16:23

you WILL be a good mother because you will learn together with your newborn baby ... and grow as parent and child...

the text from your SIL was neither appropriate nor helpful...

I would certainly decline babysitting your Nephew for the foreseeable future and focus on your own wellbeing... getting stressed is not good for you x

Touchmybum · 14/03/2017 16:23

Agree that you need to set boundaries, now, before you are off on maternity leave. The mistake you made though was to answer the phone in the first place!!

Falafelings · 14/03/2017 16:25

I wonder if SIL has created this issue by giving in to him constantly while shopping. Some parents do.

I have 4 and non of them nag me for stuff in the supermarket. But then I've always said no to random spur of the moment demands as we are on a tight budget. Treats are generally planned for.

JaneEyre70 · 14/03/2017 16:26

Her attitude is entirely undeserving of your help. Walk away and spend the day doing something really nice.

Chloe84 · 14/03/2017 16:26

YANBU at all. What a bitchy thing to say to someone who has been ttc for 4 years.

I would cancel Thursday and blame it on pregnancy.

Quartz2208 · 14/03/2017 16:28

She was unfair in saying what she did but you have only put her response not what you said - did you call him a devil child etc. At the moment she seems harsh and unreasonable but was she responding to something you said?

There is an implication that he is acting differently from other children, I suspect as a new caregiver he was testing the boundaries as to what he could and couldn't get away with you and he was poorly which often tends to exacerbate their behaviour. I agree as well though when it your own you know the trigger points so would not take them to the sweet aisle unless you were planning on getting some for him. Things like that were probably missed in the handover - its difficult sometimes to remember all the little things that need to go in the handbook of looking after a child!

EssentialHummus · 14/03/2017 16:28

the reply I had from SIL was ' maybe you should have thought about having this kid if you can't handle a toddler for the day'.

Yeah, she lost all sympathy from me here. Don't babysit again. summerhouse's wording is great. And if she makes any more snarky remarks about your future parenting, let her know that you'll of course be in touch for parenting advice when your own little one arrives.

witsender · 14/03/2017 16:29

It's a bit of an escalation on her part of it went as you said, is there any chance you were a wee bit judgemental? As his behaviour sounds very normal for a 3 yr old...Tough, but normal.

Whatever the trigger her response was out of order, and i would just tell her that you don't feel like doing her any more favours right now.

EsmeeMerlin · 14/03/2017 16:30

Don't babysit again. Not because of your nephew's behaviour, tantrums are pretty normal Hmm at posts calling him feral for throwing two tantrums but because of your sil's rude comment. I wouldn't be doing her any favours after that comment.

witsender · 14/03/2017 16:32

I mean, the tone of your post implies that his behaviour was unusual in child terms, and as if you were expecting others to be horrified. Maybe she picked up on that? Still an awful comment, by as you will experience when you have your own, the desire to defend your offspring is overwhelming!

Falafelings · 14/03/2017 16:32

Ignore her comment. She has no idea what sort of parent you're going to be and she clearly wanted to divert the blame from herself/the kid.

In the future tell the kid that you are buying nothing in the supermarket. Tell him before you step inside the shop and don't show any hesitation. And stick by it. He will learn that nagging aunty x doesn't result in him getting things.

Also tell your SIL you're too tired/sick or have other commitments on the childcare day. I would not be babysitting for someone who had been that cutting.

Aderyn2016 · 14/03/2017 16:35

What she said was a really shitty thing to say to a pg woman who has spent years ttc.
I wouldn't be inclined to do her any favours after that. But I would tell her why. She cannot go around expecting presumably free childcare and be nasty to the person providing it.

Porpoiselife · 14/03/2017 16:36

He probably usually gets bought everything he demands which is why he played up with you. I think you handled it very well and it sounds like sil went into defensive mode when you were saying her child was being difficult! Instead of helping you. Says it all really. I expect she handles him by just giving in to everything which has resulted in the little delight that he is now!

Its entirely up to you if you want to babysit him again. He might not be as bad next time now he knows you are not a pushover like his mum. But what she said to you was really horrible. I hope she apologises to you when she has come to her senses. If she doesn't I'd think twice about offering any future favours.

Backt0Black · 14/03/2017 16:38

Echoing previous posts.

Sounds like mummy gives in to the tantrums and he's learnt that they are a great lever to get what he wants.

I'd say in a syrupy as possible 'its a shame my looking after 'cherub' didn't work out .... I hope whoever takes him on on Thurs is a better fit?' or..... get some manners you rude cow, I was doing the favour here

witsender · 14/03/2017 16:39

It doesn't mean someone normally gives in. It just means he's 3. They're all different, and not a reflection on her parenting.

Falafelings · 14/03/2017 16:41

Or be honest with your SIL

'Hi SIL. I've decided not to babysit Thursday and thought I'd let you know now so you can make other arrangements. It wasn't kind to say that I should have thought before conceiving if I can't handle a toddler'. As you know we tried to conceive for four years!

diddl · 14/03/2017 16:42

Of course you should cancel.

And when she was so nasty to you, you should have taken him to her workplace for her to look after for the rest of the day!

Some toddler behave like this, some don't, but it can difficult to deal with the first time in public!

Original poster
wazzzock · 14/03/2017 16:47

Thanks for all the replies, I will text in a mo to say I don't think Thursday is a good idea.
Quartz - sil phoned as we were in the shop, I already had a missed call and didn't want her to panic so answered. She heard dn and asked what was wrong, I just said I wouldn't buy him a sweet as well as the magazine so he's not happy. I would have preferred some quick coping tips rather than the (in my eyes) nasty comment.
I totally understand toddlers have tantrums, not judgemental at all,and I love my dn to bits, I'd rather have someone help me by suggesting what to do as my sil has the experience and I don't!
I just felt the comment was totally out of order.
I was trying to pick him up to just get out when he stared kicking me, and with being huge pregnant it was like catching a slippery snake.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2017 16:50

And you're right, the comment WAS totally out of order.
Glad you're going to cancel Thursday, I think that's the right thing to do.

blankmind · 14/03/2017 16:50

I'd stress the risk of him kicking you in the stomach as a reason for not having him until your baby has arrived.

If she asks again, tell her you can't risk him hurting the baby. That gets you out of looking after him for several years Grin

contractor6 · 14/03/2017 16:50

Not read the whole thread, but wanted to say dealing with your own kids is very different from someone else's, you'll be fine.

Oblomov17 · 14/03/2017 16:54

Whilst SIL's comment wasn't very nice, I see no reason not to babysit again. Put him back in the pushchair and continue. If he cries, he cries.

adagio · 14/03/2017 16:54

What everyone else said - she is bang out of order. And also I want to reiterate that every child, every baby is unique. I can't recall either of mine having a major tantrum, I have my rose tinted view of course but generally they are both awesome, beautiful happy souls 😍
Your baby will be amazing, and will be all yours, and if you are lucky might be mostly a delight 😁

Good luck, and dodge all babysitting and childcare (particularly after your baby arrives!)

ArcheryAnnie · 14/03/2017 16:56

Your nephew isn't a problem (kids kick off, you learn to deal with it) but by god your SIL is.

Don't babysit for her this week or ever again, unless she apologises.

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