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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to think if he'll leave if i don't have an abortion, he doesn't love me anyway?

111 replies

Womblikeasponge · 14/03/2017 12:57

Sorry if this is in the wrong place. Just need opinions to help with my descision.

I have 3 young (3 under 4) children from a previous relationship. Ive been seeing someone new for about 14 months, we have a bit of a tumultuous relationship-I'm very Melodramatic and 'difficult'. He's very stubborn. Fights escalate quickly to 'I never want to see you again', and then I always beg and grovel and apologise till he comes back. We broke up in December for a fortnight and I believed it was really over, and it hurt so much. So there's no doubt in my mind I love him.

Things get complicated though in that I am now pregnant with his child. I had a copper coil - it's location is worryingly currently unknown (waiting on a scan). We'd previously talked about if we had an accidental pregnancy we'd abort it, but I feel less certain of that now it's growing inside me. He's said I'm betraying him to not get an abortion like I said.

He said if I don't get the abortion, he'll leave.

Now I feel like if I do get the abortion and he leaves anyway, I'll feel so stupid and guilty for ending the pregnancy to have a chance with him that I was clearly kidding myself about. He claims we can have a future together my three kids and him if I get an abortion, and maybe try again for a kid of our own in a few years. I sort of think that if he wants a family anyway, why not let me keep it? Or at least think about it?

My problem is though. I do love him. But am I letting myself be sucked in? Keeping the baby without him will obviously be a challenge, but ending the pregnancy just because I've been told too seems weak and like giving in.

I wish he'd said 'ill support you either way' and then I could have made a descision about abortion based purely on the abortion itself, and not have to deal with the fact I'm choosing a relationship that may not last over an unborn child. The ultimatum seems so controlling to me.

Sorry for waffle

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 14/03/2017 13:00

Regardless of you decision about this pregnancy and I'm erring on the side of 'please don't being another child into this mess' you need to fix your shit up for your other children.

On / off, turbulent relationships aren't fair on your other 3 kids.

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2017 13:01

Make the decision based on you. He doesn't sound like a good guy or someone I'd want around my kids at that impressionable age. His choice about what to do if there was a pregnancy is at the point where he decided to have sex. I'm assuming that either the sex or the emotional high caused by the drama is what keeps you wanting him about?

limon · 14/03/2017 13:02

Agree with crunchy.

Regardless of your decision, this relationship is not a stable one. For the sake of your kids you need to end it IMHO.

Original poster
Womblikeasponge · 14/03/2017 13:03

Thanks crunchymum. More helpful than you might think. I maybe do just need someone to come and give me a slap and a say 'stop being stupid'. I wish I wasn't pregnant. That would be the best scenario all round. But I know I'll feel so guilty about an abortion

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2017 13:04

In fact, the actual giving the ultimation should help. He obviously doesn't care how you feel or your opinion so better to wave goodbye now and focus on your family than to allow him to screw with you when you really need his support.

ThymeLord · 14/03/2017 13:05

I really would think very long and very hard about having a lifelong tie to a man like this. The whole relationship sounds pretty poor and very unstable. It certainly isn't weak or giving in to make a choice about ending a pregnancy that you don't wish to continue with. It's simply a decision about your body.

Original poster
Womblikeasponge · 14/03/2017 13:06

Justanothernameonthepage he can be really sweet and kind. My kids adore him and he's super sweet with them. Thinks that what keeps me wanting him around. When he floats the idea of being a perfect little family if I only do this thing and have this abortion, it just appeals to me so much, it's so hard to tell myself to turn my back on it.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2017 13:06

You should talk to a counselor/therapist ASAP (Google beforehand if it's a abortion counselor to make sure they aren't prolife PR mouthpieces).

HerOtherHalf · 14/03/2017 13:06

Sorry for the strong language but IMO any man who tries to coerce, manipulate or manipulate a woman into either having an abortion or keeping the baby is a selfish cunt. It is your decision and he should do no more than to assure you he will support you fully with whatever decision you ultimately make. Anything else and he is a waste of oxygen.
Aside from that, your relationship sounds like a nightmare. Get rid of him and make your own choice.

lovelycuppateas · 14/03/2017 13:07

From what you've said in the OP, the logical thing to do is to terminate the pregnancy and end the relationship so you have time to concentrate on the three very little kids you already have. Sorry you're having such a rough time, but I think this man does not sound like a good partner.

TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork · 14/03/2017 13:10

Personally I would terminate the pregnancy and the relationship as soon as possible, and concentrate on the children you have already. It sounds like a very unhealthy environment for them even before the latest mess.
Is this really what you want for them?

Original poster
Womblikeasponge · 14/03/2017 13:12

Thanks everyone. I know I must seem so stupid and selfish to be worrying about a relationship when I've got the three kids - but it's just so hard not to.

I love my kids. That's what makes the decision to abort so hard. I love them, so I know I'll love it. I worry that if I have an abortion I'll feel guilty for not giving this kid the same chance as my other kids.

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork · 14/03/2017 13:15

I worry that if I have an abortion I'll feel guilty for not giving this kid the same chance as my other kids

Conversely there is the thought that having yet another child will be taking chances from your other kids.

xStefx · 14/03/2017 13:17

This guy clearly doesn't love you and is already showing you he cant be depended on in a crisis as all he cares about is you making him happy (aborting your child) bullying you almost (not a loving man)
People do act sweet to get what they want, don't be fooled.
How far gone are you? Tell him your keeping the baby and see if it sinks in for him (it did with my friend) her DP didn't want it so they split, when she was 5 months he came back (once it sunk in ) and they are a great family. Im not saying it will go that way, but perhaps he needs some times to get used to the idea.

He doesn't sound like someone I would want a relationship with though, by saying " your betraying me if you don't abort" is showing he has no concern for your feelings

ThymeLord · 14/03/2017 13:17

OP look at it the other way; having a further child could take away from your existing children.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/03/2017 13:23

But you're giving this hypothetical kid and your own existing kids less chance. Less money, less attention, less time with mum, a wanker step-father.

Having another baby is entirely up to you but it is completely selfish on your part. Having a shit dad and very, very busy mum isn't a great situation. The siblings will resent them hugely. And will you be off looking for a new boyfriend soon? Lord knows how you have time to date as it is!

Your full attention should be on your children. Don't waste another second on this idiot and think about having another baby only as a single mum.

Alconleigh · 14/03/2017 13:26

Is melodramatic and difficult your own assessment, or his, OP?

I am a pragmatist, so I would end the pregnancy, end the relationship and concentrate on your existing children. I would also take a break from relationships (how do you even have the energy with 3 such young children?!) and work at getting away from the roller coaster of emotion model. Begging in tears etc is not actually normal or desirable. Hollyoaks and Eastenders are soap operas, not behaviour guides.

I know that sounds harsh, but I see a lot of damage done, not least to the children caught in the middle, by people who think relationships and drama are inextricably linked. They don't have to be.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2017 13:29

"We broke up in December for a fortnight and I believed it was really over, and it hurt so much. So there's no doubt in my mind I love him."
Well there's quite a lot of doubt in my mind! The fact that you break up regularly then you "beg and grovel and apologise till he comes back" does not say 'love' to me - it says low self-esteem. Being in a relationship makes you feel you must be lovable; breaking up sends you into a panic that you're not lovable and that is what hurts. And sends your self-esteem plummeting.

You describe yourself as "very Melodramatic and 'difficult'." Well anyone I've ever known that I would have described as melodramatic has only ever described themselves as 'sensitive'. Melodramatic people generally lack enough self-awareness to see the melodrama. So are you really melodramatic and difficult, or is this how he describes you? And you have accepted it because of your lack of self-esteem? Certainly there's going to be lots of drama in your relationship, but you are certainly not thriving on it, so I think you should reflect on how you have labelled yourself (as melodramatic and difficult) and whether that really is the case.

And I agree with other posters, I think you need to consider the needs of your three young children. What they do not need is to be the collateral damage of a turbulent on-off relationship. Give them some stability FFS. Stop with the on-off, give them a stable 'off'. All that 'he's so sweet with the children, they adore him' - no, he's not sweet flouncing in and out of their life and making their mother feel like shit. And children adore pretty much anyone who spends time with them, they love unconditionally. If he's not there, they'll forget him.

Assume that you're going to be on your own. Do you really think you can handle four small children? And being tied to MrFlouncy&Stubborn for 18 years without being in a relationship with him? Or he fucks off totally because you didn't abort and won't have anything to do with the child, giving the child self-esteem issues because it must be their fault he left? (Kids do that - blame themselves when they're blameless.)

You have some decisions to make. What he wants should not be a factor in these decisions, because you KNOW in yourself that he's not a keeper and your relationship will not last. Sorry, but I think you know this to be true Sad.

ImperialBlether · 14/03/2017 13:29

Alconleigh has said exactly what I wanted to say.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/03/2017 13:30

You need to focus on your kids, both the three that you already have and the fourth which may or may not come into the world.

And this guy you are seeing is a terrible, terrible role model for them. Someone who you have to "beg" to come back to you, someone who is demanding you have an abortion because he wants it, not you, someone who is causing drama in your life which is just awful for your kids to witness.

Get rid of the man. Then you can make a measured decision about what to do with the pregnancy.

Original poster
Womblikeasponge · 14/03/2017 13:30

Alconleigh - his assessment. But I'm probably not easy.

When he's not breaking up with me, things are really good and he makes mine and my kids lives better. He helps with stuff (like taking a day off work to put down the floor in our new house) and we go on 'family' outings together. On Sunday we all went to the safari park and it was lovely and we felt like a proper family. I'm sure I've not made my kids lives worse by dating him.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 14/03/2017 13:33

When he's not breaking up with me, things are really good

In other words, when he gets his own way he's nice and when he doesn't he spits his dummy walks out until you beg him bag and agree to be compliant. Sorry to break it to you but he is not nice, he is using classic abuser tactics.

Owllady · 14/03/2017 13:34

Are they not having a relationship with their biological Father?
You don't sound stupid and selfish, you sound like you have massive self esteem issues and you are compensating for it by creating a 'family' but you deserve better than this bloke.
Have you asked your GP if there are any counselling services you can access?

GallivantingWildebeest · 14/03/2017 13:35

If you have this man's child, you will be in contact with him for the next 18 years.

If your relationship is already tumultuous and on/off, and you fight all the time, then frankly what's the point? That sounds awful for your dc. Is this the model of an adult relationship you want for them??

If you 'always beg and grovel and apologise till he comes back' then that's crap too.

You['ve been together 14 months - this should be the honeymoon period!!! It wont get any better.

Honestly, OP - concentrate on your THREE YOUNG children.

I would end the pregnancy and get rid of this man.

I would then also have counselling to find out why I thought this kind of relationship was beneficial and why I wanted it. Relationships don't have to be this way. They really don't.

Liiinoo · 14/03/2017 13:36

Any man who would make this threat is not a good guy. He is a bully and he will leave you again at some point whatever choice you make. The only question is when he will leave and how often.

Make the decision that is right for you and your three children (whichever decision that it, only you know for sure). Then ditch this user and find someone kind and supportive.

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