AIBU - to think if he'll leave if i don't have an abortion, he doesn't love me anyway?

[Womblikeasponge]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place. Just need opinions to help with my descision.

I have 3 young (3 under 4) children from a previous relationship. Ive been seeing someone new for about 14 months, we have a bit of a tumultuous relationship-I'm very Melodramatic and 'difficult'. He's very stubborn. Fights escalate quickly to 'I never want to see you again', and then I always beg and grovel and apologise till he comes back. We broke up in December for a fortnight and I believed it was really over, and it hurt so much. So there's no doubt in my mind I love him.

Things get complicated though in that I am now pregnant with his child. I had a copper coil - it's location is worryingly currently unknown (waiting on a scan). We'd previously talked about if we had an accidental pregnancy we'd abort it, but I feel less certain of that now it's growing inside me. He's said I'm betraying him to not get an abortion like I said.

He said if I don't get the abortion, he'll leave.

Now I feel like if I do get the abortion and he leaves anyway, I'll feel so stupid and guilty for ending the pregnancy to have a chance with him that I was clearly kidding myself about. He claims we can have a future together my three kids and him if I get an abortion, and maybe try again for a kid of our own in a few years. I sort of think that if he wants a family anyway, why not let me keep it? Or at least think about it?

My problem is though. I do love him. But am I letting myself be sucked in? Keeping the baby without him will obviously be a challenge, but ending the pregnancy just because I've been told too seems weak and like giving in.

I wish he'd said 'ill support you either way' and then I could have made a descision about abortion based purely on the abortion itself, and not have to deal with the fact I'm choosing a relationship that may not last over an unborn child. The ultimatum seems so controlling to me.

Sorry for waffle

[Deadsouls]

If you're in a relationship where you're begging, grovelling and apologising to get someone back onside, it might be time to rethink your position.

What makes you think that you love him? Is it because it hurt so much when you were apart. IMO that's not a reliable indicator of love.

YANBU to not abort if you don't want to but I think Y were U, for agreeing in the first place to have an abortion. Well maybe you didn't know how you'd feel.

The argument of, well if he's leaving anyway then I might as well keep the baby; I'm not sure thats a great motivation.

But it is your body and your choice. I feel that your BF was upfront and clear about what he wanted and didn't want. He didn't string you along or pretend otherwise. Did you feel pressured into agreeing?

[ThymeLord]

I'm certainly not surprised to hear that it's his assessment that you are melodramatic. Don't take that kind of nonsense on board.

There's nothing wonderful about a bloke taking a day off work to lay some flooring. It's the kind of thing i'd do to help out a friend tbh, never mind a partner! I'm not trying to be harsh here but I think you are seeing things with very clouded vision. This isn't a great relationship.

[witwootoodleoo]

OP your relationship with this man is not healthy and it isn't normal. Assuming for a moment it is really love that you feel for him, that doesn't mean you should be together. I think it's fair to say that a high proportion of people are still in love with a partner when they break up to some degree or another. Just because you love someone doesn't meant that the relationship is right.

From what you've said this relationship is very unhealthy for your children to witness. You are teaching them that this is normal and acceptable behaviour and it isn't.

I think you need to give him the elbow and then work out what you want to do with your body.

No man worth being with tries to blackmail you into having an abortion. How would you feel if a future partner did that to one of your kids?

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

He is great with your dc because ultimately they aren't his responsibility. . His own unborn dc is quite obviously an inconvenience to him and abort it is his solution.
He should be a positive role model and dp 100%of the time not just when it suits him. You aren't giving your dc a good life by staying with such a man. . If he is messing with your head as an adult what is he doing to you dc??

[Hissy]

On Sunday we all went to the safari park and it was lovely and we felt like a proper family.

You do know that this is not a special achievement... like a proper family? This is a MESS op, and you are failing everyone in this by dragging it on. Even days out with my abusive ex could appear to be 'like a proper family' sometimes.

Have the termination, End the relationship and spend some time working out who you are.

I bet that melodrama and difficult stuff vanishes.

[LanaorAna1]

OP, he won't stay - the abortion issue is irrelevant. You know this.

[Imamouseduh]

Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about what is best for your existing children. Bringing a new baby into the mix is going to make things even more of a mess. To be honest, it sounds like he doesn't care as deeply for you as you do for him, otherwise he wouldn't be putting conditions on his love. You and your children are better off without him, and without this pregnancy. I highly doubt he will stay the course even if you don't go ahead with the pregnancy.

[Underthemoonlight]

Sorry to be harsh you already have three DC under 4 you having a relationship with someone which is on off and been together less than a year and half and now pregnant, if I was you I would have the abortion and concentrate fully on your young impressionable DC they need stability in their lives. Just because you want a family unit doesn't mean this man is the right guy. You can be a family unit without a man. You could potentially damage your dcs lives going back on forth they pick up on stuff when your crying upset because he's left you.

[justnowords]

Op, YANBU. All i can add is please dont have an abortion unless it is something you know you for yourself, are happy to have one and feel you can get on fine after you have had one (some people are fine with abortion, others, like you have suggested yourself struggle with the guilt. I have known both types).

[Deadsouls]

Could you think of the reality of having 4 children under-5 and from what you've said, you'd be a single parent? You have to consider if you could manage that? Maybe you could.

However, the fact that there's an ultimatum I think makes it difficult for the relationship to continue. Either way, it doesn't speak well for the relationship. If you abort and you didn't want to, you'll have to live with your possible anger and resentment toward him for 'forcing' you into this decision.

If you do decide you want to keep the baby, he's leaving anyway.
So it's difficult all round. Sorry it's hard to have to make decisions like this.

[BitchQueen90]

OP. Normal, healthy relationships do not involve breaking up all the time and giving people ultimatums. Why all the drama? It sounds ridiculous and like a pair of 13 year olds in a relationship, not one involving adults and children.

I don't know what to say about the abortion because it must be such a difficult decision but whether you get one or not, you should break up with this man either way. Don't put up with crap just because he does a few good things now and again.

[justnowords]

sorry that should read , you know you want for yourself, as in no one else has pressurised/guilted you into it.

[VladmirsPoutine]

But that was then. And to be honest that doesn't sound necessarily healthy either.

If I were you I'd abort the pregnancy and terminate the relationship too.

You seem to thrive on the drama and the push-you/pull-me dynamic. Whilst this might be your sort of thing - it is not right, nor fair to subject 3 very young children to it.

[BertrandRussell]

He's an arsehole. Dump.

[VestalVirgin]

When he's not breaking up with me, things are really good and he makes mine and my kids lives better.

All abusive men have their nice sides. That's how they get women to put up with their abuse in the first place.
But you being unhappy whenever this man breaks up with you surely does not make your children happier. Any reason why you cannot do things with your children as a family, without having this guy with you?

He wants to have you an abortion, which he knows his painful emotionally and physically, just because it is more ^covenient" for you to get pregnant again at a later date?

Either he is lying to you and does not want a child with you, or he is really that much of an asshole that he would have you go through an abortion just because it is more convenient for him.


I would have an abortion and not tell him about it (if you feel he might be difficult to get rid of), or have an abortion and kick him out.

It is up to you whether you want the abortion, but I'd rather not be forever tied to such a man.

I'll link to a poem; it is about a knight who is sent to risk his life by the lady he loves, but I am sure you can see how it applies to your situation.

www.poetry-archive.com/s/the_glove.html

[ginnybag]

OP, whatever you decide re the baby, end the relationship.

I firmly believe that you can't be a good dad and not be a good man first - and a good man, one who wanted to be your family, would not be storming off and issuing ultimatums right now.

He doesn't have to be happy about the pregnancy, but threatening and blackmailing you says worlds about his character.

A decent man would be supporting you now, talking about your options together, respecting your right to choose. He'd have been mature enough to recognise that regular sex with a woman with three young kids means taking the risk of a fourth. Yes, you were using the coil but what was he doing? Or was it all down to you and now this is 'your fault' - exempting him from any blame.

Dump him, make your choice for you and your family without him and spend some time focusing on them. Otherwise you risk being like the mum in my DD's class, five kids under seven, struggling like mad, no support, at the absolute beck and call of her boyfriend who is, frankly, an absolute tosser. Her kids are a mess and those in school are already falling behind, and the phrase most often out of her mouth is - "I just don't know what to do - X says he'll leave if...." anytime anyone offers to help.

[BorrowedHeart]

Haven't read the full thread, but I don't understand why you would want to bring another child into what seems like an awful stressful mess and hard enough on your other three, very young, very impressionable children, I of course get why you want to keep the child, I reckon guilt would get to me too, all for them though as without them there would be a lot more struggling people and children in the world. I think the fact you agreed to have one before this happened (I understand you are allowed and rightly so to change your mind) so in his mind it feels almost like betrayal, he doesn't et a choice in this scenario but I understand his annoyance and now feeling like he has to be responsible for a child. In this situation I'd explain that you want to have the child and understand if he wants to end things and refuses to pay child support, j et it's his fault you are pregnant just as much as it is yours, but he has no way out and you do. So if he wants to hand over his rights etc then let him and keep the child, if you would want more input from him, then abort as I don't think he should have to give it.

[MuseumOfCurry]

I'd break it off and have an abortion.

It's the obvious solution from where I'm standing.

Good luck.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Dump him not the baby.

If he is threatening to leave it means it has crossed his mind to leave. This guy only loves you when it is on his terms.

As for having him in your life for the next 18 years if you have the baby and you then split. I am from a single parent family and have never to my knowledge met my father. I have a number of single parents as friends and the issue is trying to track the absent father down rather than having him in the mothers life

[Jengnr]

Whatever you do about the pregnancy ditch the bloke.

[CleanMess]

I was going to write my own list but CrunchyMums post said it perfectly

Regardless of you decision about this pregnancy and I'm erring on the side of 'please don't being another child into this mess' you need to fix your shit up for your other children.

On / off, turbulent relationships aren't fair on your other 3 kids

Totally agree. I'd not bring another child into this situation and I'd leave your BF with immediate effect! Then you need to NOT date for a while. I think you need to give yourself a bit of time to 'mature' and work out what's important to you and your exsisting family. Your relationship with your BF sounds awful. You have to work out why you thought it was ok.

[Saltedcaramel2016]

It really doesn't seem that he will be a permanent part of your life whether you have or don't have the baby. So just imagine how you will feel bringing up this baby (along with your other 3 children) alone. How will you manage from a practical and emotional point of view? You need to make a decision about the abortion based on life without him.

[FrenchLavender]

When he floats the idea of being a perfect little family if I only do this thing and have this abortion, it just appeals to me so much, it's so hard to tell myself to turn my back on it.

If he had any intention whatsoever of being a perfect little family with you then he'd be happy to go ahead with the pregnancy you have now, not pressure you to abort it with the promise that if you do he'll stick around to re-impregnate you. The timing is not ideal and the PG was not planned, but if he was committed to the idea of a future with you and children with you he'd just throw himself into it now.

You don't want to be pg
he certainly doesn't want you to be pg
you were actively trying not to be pg
you already have three very young children
your relationship is a bit of a car crash and probably won't last whether you have the baby or not.

I can't think of a single good reason to not get a termination.

[MatildaTheCat]

Some tough love from me.

Going on nice family days out ocassionally does not equal a lovely family life. You have three very young DC who, it seems, have experienced a lot of turbulence from both yourself and your dp. That's without any further difficulty you may have with other aspects of life such as their own father.

Loving children simply isn't enough to be a great parent. Sorry but it isn't. It's about providing a consistent home life, calm and reliable parenting, stable routines and firm boundaries. Maybe you do provide all this but your Op doesn't suggest it.

I would terminate and leave this volatile relationship and concentrate solely on your exiating DC for a long time to come.