AIBU - to think if he'll leave if i don't have an abortion, he doesn't love me anyway?

[Womblikeasponge]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place. Just need opinions to help with my descision.

I have 3 young (3 under 4) children from a previous relationship. Ive been seeing someone new for about 14 months, we have a bit of a tumultuous relationship-I'm very Melodramatic and 'difficult'. He's very stubborn. Fights escalate quickly to 'I never want to see you again', and then I always beg and grovel and apologise till he comes back. We broke up in December for a fortnight and I believed it was really over, and it hurt so much. So there's no doubt in my mind I love him.

Things get complicated though in that I am now pregnant with his child. I had a copper coil - it's location is worryingly currently unknown (waiting on a scan). We'd previously talked about if we had an accidental pregnancy we'd abort it, but I feel less certain of that now it's growing inside me. He's said I'm betraying him to not get an abortion like I said.

He said if I don't get the abortion, he'll leave.

Now I feel like if I do get the abortion and he leaves anyway, I'll feel so stupid and guilty for ending the pregnancy to have a chance with him that I was clearly kidding myself about. He claims we can have a future together my three kids and him if I get an abortion, and maybe try again for a kid of our own in a few years. I sort of think that if he wants a family anyway, why not let me keep it? Or at least think about it?

My problem is though. I do love him. But am I letting myself be sucked in? Keeping the baby without him will obviously be a challenge, but ending the pregnancy just because I've been told too seems weak and like giving in.

I wish he'd said 'ill support you either way' and then I could have made a descision about abortion based purely on the abortion itself, and not have to deal with the fact I'm choosing a relationship that may not last over an unborn child. The ultimatum seems so controlling to me.

Sorry for waffle

[buttfacedmiscreant]

You are allowed to change your mind.

Honestly, if the threat is 'abort the baby or I'm leaving' then he isn't worth having around baby or no baby.

What is best for your kids, what is best for you. Figure that out.

If your relationship is good-good-bad-you grovel-good then that is a crappy one, even when it is good. He does not have your best interests at heart.

[ILikeyourHairyHands]

You don't sound very pro-choice mummyto2monkeys, coming from the other side of the coin, I have had two terminations and felt absolutely no regret or sadness in either situation, it was the right thing at the time and I carry absolutely no baggage surrounding that.

And of course OP can make that choice, no-one suggested for a moment that she shouldn't, they just advised her on what their course of action would be. Which is not to saddle herself with this loser for 18 years and add another child to what is already a messy situation.

And all that heartfelt talk about 'You always love a baby when it's here and never regret it', well quite a few people do regret it, as multiple threads discussing exactly that would attest to!

[Thattwatoverthere]

Ah this is a really similar situation to mine last year, minus the existing children.

My ex was an arse - looking back god knows why I stuck with him but my eyes were opened when I became pregnant. He reacted just like yours did. Demanding I had an abortion, we could give it another go in a couple of years, he couldn't be with me if I had the baby. Plus more ridiculous abuse and manipulation.

I actually booked an appointment at the clinic to shut him up (wasn't intending to go through with it tbh) but then at the appointment found out that I had already lost the baby. He then was lovely to me and wanted to be there blah blah. Wanted to come to be with me at the hospital when I was having my d&c...

By that time I'd seen him for what he was and refused to see him. Like fuck would I want him to be there for me knowing that he was actually pleased it had happened.

I knew that the most sensible choice would be to not have the baby and to have him out of my life but I have no children and am not young. Not the best reason for having a baby I know but the choice to make was awful and I was an absolute wreck.

In short op, it's your decision to make. Nobody can tell you what to do but I know from my experience that I'm a lot happier without him in my life, free of his 'control' and twattishness.

And surprisingly, a new girlfriend emerged a couple of weeks after I lost my baby. Who'd have thought it...

[Elvisrocks]

In your shoes, without a shadow of a doubt, i would have a termination and dump him. You might not see it but your relationship with him is likely to be very detrimental to your children. Your children need you fully focused on them more than you need him.

[Deadsouls]

justnowords

You are correct in that the OP did not specifically ask the question as to whether to have an abortion or not. That is the way I interpreted it, the OP asked for opinions to help her make her decision. I can say for one my opinion is not based on whether she is unmarried or not. I don't have an opinion about whether the OP should have an abortion or not. Rather to consider what the reality might be if being a single parent with 4 children under 5. And not to make a decision based on whether this man will leave or not. The relationship as it is described doesn't sound particularly healthy and either way it's going to be a difficult decision. Having an abortion based on the BF's ultimatum doesn't seem like a good basis for a decision.

[Womblikeasponge]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I have read everything everyone has said. I'll not lie - some of it was slightly harsher and less supportive than I could maybe do with right now, but I know nobody set out to upset me. For the record - I think if you knew me in real life youd think I was a great mum to my kids, but I can see where everyone comes from and appreciate tone gets lost in text.

[howtofixme]

Do you have enough money to raise another child
Will this man contribute
Are you working

Who will be providing the money for you to have another child if you are not working...

[Deadsouls]

you're right OP, I don't actually think this is a parenting issue or that your parenting should be called into question. It does sound like you're in a really difficult place right now with this decision. You're the one who has to live with it.
But honestly if you are in a relationship where you have to beg, cry and grovel it's really not a good one.

[haveacupoftea]

As a child of a mum who got involved in relationships with men that involved screaming rows, tears and tantrums - it's far from fun. It fucks you up for life. Please put your existing children first - they wont benefit from having that man in their lives.

[MidniteScribbler]

When he floats the idea of being a perfect little family

You can't create the 'perfect little family' by having babies in a dysfunctional relationship. Babies don't make a family. and they don't fix what is already broken.

You have 3 children under 4 and you're already pregnant to another man. Does that sound healthy? Dump the man, and get counselling to get you out of this cycle.

[AllDaBoats]

I would focus on the 3 kids you already have and terminate the pregnancy. Sounds like this relationship might not work out anyway.

[missbishi]

What the hell is a "perfect little family" supposed to be anyway?

[hoddtastic]

he's been honest with you, he doesn't seem to want you or the kid.
it's not a good situation for you or your existing 3 kids, now stick another baby in the mix (and the additional crap he chucks at you plus all the arrangements now having to fit round 2 people you couldn't live with) and it doesn't look good does it?

i'd get rid of both,

[witwootoodleoo]

OP that is a very gracious response to some of the rather too forceful and judgemental comments you have received

[SewMeARiver]

Know yourself. If you know an anortion will keep you up at night for years don't do it. I have a friend in this same position. Has 4 children already. Is with a married guy. Got pregnant. Threatened to drop her if she refused to have an abortion. So she went against her conscience, and did it. Felt depressed afterwards however. Which ironically put strain on the 'relationship'. But guy continued to hang around. Friend is now pregnant again. She is keeping it as she cannot bear a second termination. Guy has pissed off.

He was never worth the sacrifice of her conscience. He's a selfish git.

This man is not worth having.

Sorry but you need counselling to work on your low self esteem. You think you love this man. You don't. You love the way he makes you feel. You love the ups after the downs.

You and your children deserve more. Much much more. My advice is to get rid, keep your baby and give all men, good and bad, a wide berth for several years while you work on yourself and gain the ability to differentiate between a time waster and a man who will, stand up, protect and help look after you and your children as a family.

Get rid.

[ChishandFips33]

When he's not breaking up with me, things are really good

You need to judge the quality of your relationship/him on all of your relationship, not just the edited highlights

You have a scenario of when it's good, it's good but when it sours it's very bad - for you and your very impressionable children

The under 5's brains are still forming and the things they see, do and feel shape their brain and their future relationships.

Google 'Toxic stress' for the effects of situations like this.

Take love and feeling worthy from your children, not from a man who switches it on and off and drives you to 'beg and grovel'

As hard as it is, make a clean break and focus on your current children

It will give you space and time to reflect on what a healthy relationship should look like

[SchnitzelVonCrumb]

You might be a great mum now - but you won't be if you continue to be in a relationship with someone whom you are constantly breaking up with.

Also you might end up having a miscarriage anyway. I did when I fell pregnant with my coil.

Your choice if you want the baby but do realise you are doing it alone and if you meet another man and want more children you will have children by three different father son which isn't wrong but terribly fucking draining on your mental resources

[Womblikeasponge]

So it always annoys me reading old threads and never knowing the outcome. So- had the termination and ended it with the man. (now to grow a back bone and never let him or anyone like him weedle there way into my life). New rule - no one in my life who doesn't value their place in it.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Good for you womblike. I'm convinced you've done the right thing for you and your children but know that might not have been easy.

[Mrsglitterfairy]

This is the first time I've come across this thread but just wanted to say we'll done op
You've been very brave in your decision in imo it was the right one.
Yes you may feel guilt over time about your termination but with counselling you will be able to deal with this. And I say this as someone with experience. I had one 13 years ago and carried some guilt although it was 100% the right choice for me at that time.
Wishing you a lovely future with your DCs

[MrsBobDylan]

I remember your thread op, although didn't post on it. You have made a brave step and should be proud of yourself as it can't have been easy to follow the path you did.

Best of luck for the future

[Neverknowing]

You're incredibly brave op. I think you did exactly the right thing, your ex sounds like the kind of arsehole you want nowhere near your kids

[sailorcherries]

Well done OP, a termination is never easy but raising another child in that situation would be even harder.

[Epipgab]

Well done OP, on making the choices you felt were right for you and your family, and thanks for reporting back!

Onwards and upwards

[Summergarden]

Only just seen this thread, but well done for having the courage OP. It can't have been easy, and no one ever particularly wants to have a termination, but I think you 100% did the right thing.

I have 3 DCs and find it hard enough to give them all the attention they deserve, and that's with having a supportive DH (who does work very long hours though). The main thing for you though, is that if you'd gone ahead and had this man's baby you'd have always had a link to you, and he might have made life very difficult for you later on, so now you can have a clean break.

Be strong, stay focused on your kids and I'm sure a great man will come along when the time is right.