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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to think if he'll leave if i don't have an abortion, he doesn't love me anyway?

111 replies

Womblikeasponge · 14/03/2017 12:57

Sorry if this is in the wrong place. Just need opinions to help with my descision.

I have 3 young (3 under 4) children from a previous relationship. Ive been seeing someone new for about 14 months, we have a bit of a tumultuous relationship-I'm very Melodramatic and 'difficult'. He's very stubborn. Fights escalate quickly to 'I never want to see you again', and then I always beg and grovel and apologise till he comes back. We broke up in December for a fortnight and I believed it was really over, and it hurt so much. So there's no doubt in my mind I love him.

Things get complicated though in that I am now pregnant with his child. I had a copper coil - it's location is worryingly currently unknown (waiting on a scan). We'd previously talked about if we had an accidental pregnancy we'd abort it, but I feel less certain of that now it's growing inside me. He's said I'm betraying him to not get an abortion like I said.

He said if I don't get the abortion, he'll leave.

Now I feel like if I do get the abortion and he leaves anyway, I'll feel so stupid and guilty for ending the pregnancy to have a chance with him that I was clearly kidding myself about. He claims we can have a future together my three kids and him if I get an abortion, and maybe try again for a kid of our own in a few years. I sort of think that if he wants a family anyway, why not let me keep it? Or at least think about it?

My problem is though. I do love him. But am I letting myself be sucked in? Keeping the baby without him will obviously be a challenge, but ending the pregnancy just because I've been told too seems weak and like giving in.

I wish he'd said 'ill support you either way' and then I could have made a descision about abortion based purely on the abortion itself, and not have to deal with the fact I'm choosing a relationship that may not last over an unborn child. The ultimatum seems so controlling to me.

Sorry for waffle

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 14/03/2017 14:30

either way you have to realise u will lose him

he doesnt want a child so will leave but then you'll have to apply maintenance from him

u do abort but eventually he will still leave u hes just that type

can u afford another child on your own?

KanyeWesticle · 14/03/2017 14:49

I think you have to admit this relationship isn't super solid.
So, if you keep the baby, and he does split up with you - do you really want to be a single mum with 4 children?

Softkitty2 · 14/03/2017 14:53

You sound very immature. Your children should be your priority, they are still so young, not a mess of a relationship that you have.

No he doesn't love you.

Why wasn't he wearing a condom if he absutely didn't want children? As another precaution to you coil?

Please stay out of relationships and focus on taking care of yourself and your children.

Sorry I sound harsh but this is just unncessary problems/drama you have brought into your lives.

Softkitty2 · 14/03/2017 14:58

1 good day does not trump 6 bad ones. Leave him because he will eventually leave you.

You and your children deserve better, you do not need a man to be a 'proper family'.

But seriously, stay away from relationships and work on yourself

PeaFaceMcgee · 14/03/2017 15:00

He's an abusive fuck-head and you (alone) should be seeing a counsellor.

PatriciaHolm · 14/03/2017 15:07

I agree with pp - you sound like you have massive self esteem issues and he's exploiting them. You are not in a mutually loving relationship, healthy relationships do NOT involve repeated dramatic breakups and tears and begging. He loves the idea of having you on a leash begging for him. There is zero chance of this developing into a long term solid relationship, he doesn't actually even seem to like you much, otherwise he wouldn't keep doing this to you.

BeaderBird · 14/03/2017 15:13

Why would anyone want to be with a man who says 'Kill the child and I'll stay with you'. Don't sugar coat it - he's an absolute dick.

mummyto2monkeys · 14/03/2017 15:13

I personally could never abort a child of mine. I felt the presence of the little life inside me before I should even have been aware I was pregnant, both times. I also don't class a current pregnancy as a hypothetical child.

I am however pro choice, I get the feeling that you are already attached to the little life growing inside you. I don't read a woman who wants an abortion. I also don't believe you will be taking anything away from your three children by giving them a little brother or sister to love.

I could never stay with someone who tried to control my decisions over what is happening in my own body. If you abort your child when you don't want to, you will likely have a lifetime of regrets. Please listen to your heart, to what you want! It doesn't matter what strangers on the internet think, this is your body and your child! Choose what is right for you! Yes it will be hard to go through pregnancy alone but you will have a beautiful baby at the end. If you want to keep your child please do!

And dump your asshole partner, how dare he think it's ok to pressure you into an abortion! He sounds a nightmare anyway! If you keep this pregnancy do NOT put his name on the birth certificate!

2014newme · 14/03/2017 15:14

Your existing children are exposed to a toxic environment with very poor relationship modelling. Whether you have the baby or not, this relationship needs to end for the sake of the poor kids.

NerrSnerr · 14/03/2017 15:16

The abortion needs to be fully your decision but you need to get rid of this bloke first and start putting your children first.

AYankinSpanx · 14/03/2017 15:20

OP, get rid of him. The relationship sounds awful for you and your children.

Regarding your pregnancy, don't have a termination because this bloke says you 'have to;' and don't have one because well-meaning people on an internet forum tell you that it's for the best.

Whatever your situation (and whilst your love life is chaotic, there's no indication that your circumstances or parenting are), I have to say that you sound more in favour of keeping the baby rather than terminating.

Tread carefully if you feel like that. You have your other children to think about obviously, but your own mental health as well - terminations can be incredibly upsetting and damaging if you feel as though it's not really what you want.

But ditch the bloke - he sounds like the kind of drama hound that I would have avoided in my 20's, never mind now. He's a controlling bully - that's not what your children need or want in their lives.

WorkAccount · 14/03/2017 15:23

ok so we are all agreed then.

Armadillostoes · 14/03/2017 15:24

YANBU anyone pressuring you about a decision like this doesn't love you. Only you can decide what you need to do, but you should get rid of this man regardless. There is no coming back from that kind of blackmail.

RyanStartedTheFire · 14/03/2017 15:27

I also don't believe you will be taking anything away from your three children by giving them a little brother or sister to love.
Apart from time, attention, resources, money.

I would abort and ditch the bloke OP. Don't put your children through another massive change in less than 2 years. Take some time out from dating, focus on your kids.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/03/2017 15:31

Jesus, where on earth are you kids in this? seriously are you Danielle Lloyd?

My advice is focus on emotional and financial stability, this guy really sounds AWFUL. who wants to beg someone?

Its hard being a single Mum to 3, but try being a single Mum to 4!

look after yourself OP and read what people say

Pentapus · 14/03/2017 15:35

He claims we can have a future together my three kids and him

A man that wants a future with someone else's children but not his own sounds an unlikely animal. Most likely it is a soundbite to persuade you.

I would agree your relationship is doomed either way, sooner or later. I also think it's not a great loss; it sounds volatile and childish.

I think you need to forget romance for some time and focus on your DC, whether that's three or four of them. I can't imagine how you found time for a new relationship when you had 3 children, the oldest of which must have been a maximum of 2 yrs and 10 months old at the time. Or have you a set of twins?

coconutpie · 14/03/2017 16:09

How do you even have time for a new relationship with 3 children under 4??!! You need to focus on your children and not a head-fuck of a relationship. I pity your children in all of this. They need stability, not their mother having an on-again, off-again relationship.

Break up with him, consider your options (termination or not) and focus on your children. Adding a 4th child to the mix just would be mad.

mummyto2monkeys · 14/03/2017 17:06

I really can't see how adding a fourth child will take away any more than a third or second child have taken. All the families I know with four children, the children have lovely relationships with each other, particularly the elder two and younger two. If you have three children under five then chances are you already have everything you need baby wise. If not a second hand sling and Aldi/ lidl nappies will not cost too much financially. Ok maybe you wouldn't choose to have a fourth, but this isn't about planning a pregnancy. This is an already established pregnancy and if the op wants to keep this pregnancy I really don't see why she should be encouraged to abort because of cost/ attention it would take away from siblings. If the op was married and her husband was wanting her to abort a baby she wanted would people be so quick to encourage her to abort? I really am surprised at the amount of people on this thread encouraging the op to abort when it seems clear to me that the op wants to keep this pregnancy! Does the op not have the right to choose or to want to keep her baby?

TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork · 14/03/2017 17:20

She's not married though, and neither is she in an stable relationship, so talking about well the children might get on is really quite unhelpful.

Deadsouls · 14/03/2017 17:22

mummyto2monkeys
Yes ultimately it is the decision of the OP. But the OP posed a question, have an abortion or not. So people are answering that.

You have an agenda as you've said you'd personally never terminate a pregnancy.

Vaginarama · 14/03/2017 17:28

Your youngest is 2 at the most, and you've been in a messy, volatile relationship with this man for over a year? So since your youngest was a baby then?
Honestly that's not ideal before you even bring in the new pregnancy. You have three children, in the normal scheme of things, three children will take up most of your time, even if you have a loving and helpful partner. This relationship isn't good for you or your children. You need to concentrate on them, not on forming messy, dramatic relationships like the one you are in.

This man is clearly not good for you or your kids. He's manipulating you into getting an abortion, which is horrible. I think an abortion would probably be best, especially if they can't find your coil. However regardless of whether you continue with the pregnancy, please don't continue the relationship with this volatile and selfish man.

You may think your children haven't been affected by the shouting and the drama, but trust me they have

justnowords · 14/03/2017 21:28

Deadsouls, actually the op didnt ask about whether she should have an abortion or not, but rather to think if he'll leave if i don't have an abortion, he doesn't love me anyway. At no point does the op ask whether she should have an abortion. In fact she actively states that she would probably be overcome with guilt if she had one. But people are still encouraging her to have as they disapprove of her unmarried/already have children scenario.

TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork · 14/03/2017 21:40

She specifically asked for opinions to help with her decision. Thats what she got. I note you don't complain about anyone advising not having an abortion? Why is that ok if the opposite is not?

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 14/03/2017 21:55

Please ditch him.

Then have a serious think about how you will manage. He doesn't want this pregnancy. He's unlikely to want positive involvement with the baby, either with his time or his money. Can you manage a 4th child in the absence of any support? Would you have to chase after him to get support to be able to manage? How were you managing with 3 young children prior to this relationship? (Just ideas to consider your path forward)

user1487175389 · 14/03/2017 22:02

Don't have his baby. Termination then leave him. Sort your head out. Get counselling. Realise what you're worth. In time, when you're in a place where you won't accept anything less, you'll meet the right person.

He's not the right person. Sorry.

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