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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unfair that SIL is having a free holiday at my expense?

483 replies

sleepwhatsleep · 13/03/2017 07:35

We've booked a holiday home in Cornwall for a week in the summer. Me and OH with DS, his parents, his brother with his wife and 2 kids. Between the 3 couples we've split the cost.
Anyway last night MIL said that OH's brother's SIL is going to join us "for a few days" as "there are enough bedrooms anyway". There is just enough bedrooms for the 3 couples and the kids. OH's brother has 2 kids - one will be less than a year old so sharing with them anyway, and the other has special needs so needs their own room.
Mil has already referred to "well if we have to then your DS can sleep in your bathroom for a few nights" which i thought was odd as there were enough rooms for him to sleep separately (he will be 1 and a bit). So i guess from what i learned yesterday that they've already decided that DS will have to give up his room to accomdate his SIL with her kids for their free holiday for a few days out of only a week? Angry
What's made me more annoyed is that they haven't asked us beforehand.

AIBU to kick off about this?

OP posts:
SanityAssassin · 13/03/2017 11:08

Well, whatever you decide to do, I recommend keeping relationships with your family at the forefront of your mind. That doesn't mean that you have to do what they want, of course, but I would be as accommodating as I could.

This is why there are so many AIBU posts - the doormats of life asking to be trampled on again.

Lookingforadvice123 · 13/03/2017 11:08

YADNU.

Having seen that you've already had the conversation with your MIL about DS needing his own room, and actually going out of your way to book a larger cottage to accommodate this, I think she's been extremely rude. My DS is 14 months and has been in his own room since 10 weeks, when there's no option e.g. Staying at my P's over Christmas then we will share with him but when we book a self catering break we will always book him his own room. He's a good sleeper but on holiday you don't want to have to get dressed for bed in the bathroom then creep in to your bedroom in the dark, not making a noise. I like to be able to relax, read in bed and shock horror chat to my dh! So YANBU for wanting a one year old to have his own room on holiday either.

Don't let them walk over you on this, especially as I think MIL has been completely U when she knows you want your DS to have his own room.

Goldenhandshake · 13/03/2017 11:12

I would refuse to move my DC from their paid for room, to a sodding bathroom. Blow up bed in the lounge or fuck all for the previously unknown about guests. The cheek!

CatThiefKeith · 13/03/2017 11:12

Hang on - you booked this through a friend of yours that works there? Well then you can't possibly be expected to allow the house to be over occupied - it would put your friend in a terrible position and they could even lose their job! Wink

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/03/2017 11:12

AndKnowItsSeven - generally people who have DCs who can sleep in with their parents don't bother booking larger holiday cottages so they can have their own room.

badger2005 · 13/03/2017 11:18

This is why there are so many AIBU posts - the doormats of life asking to be trampled on again.

I don't think I am a doormat!

I can say no to things, and I certainly wouldn't need to do any passive-aggressive 'I'll pull out then' type of stuff in this situation, as I could state clearly what I needed and wanted to happen.

It is more that in this situation (if I liked all of these people) I would choose to prioritise the relationships - depending as I've said before on the details of the accommodation.

I think being a doormat is about being unable to speak up for yourself and say what you think and feel and need. Choosing to be generous can be something you do from a position of strength.

ChasedByBees · 13/03/2017 11:18

Please don't just accept this.

You booked that holiday specifically so your son could have his own room. Your MIL obviously feels that's not reasonable but rather than talk to you she's manipulated things so it's difficult for you to object. She knew you didn't want to share a room. You booked your holiday on that basis. If it's your only holiday you will spend it feeling cross if this isn't dealt with.

It's not rocking the boat to say something, it's being assertive.

So what if a giant party holiday is her thing? She knows it's not yours and it's not just her holiday.

That's before you get to potentially invalidating the insurance of the house!

DEMum101 · 13/03/2017 11:20

AndKnowItsSeven - the house was booked specifically as it had enough rooms to give OP's DS a room of his own. This is not just an excuse that has come up after MIL mentioned the SIL coming and needing the room.

DEMum101 · 13/03/2017 11:23

Hang on - you booked this through a friend of yours that works there? Well then you can't possibly be expected to allow the house to be over occupied - it would put your friend in a terrible position and they could even lose their job! wink

This is probably the most important point actually. The OP's friend may be put in a really difficult position if it comes to light the house is over-occupied.

girlywhirly · 13/03/2017 11:25

OP, can you speak to the letting agent/ person and ask for clarification of the terms and conditions, especially with regards to the addition of guests. Ask them to send you a copy by email and forward to MIL who may be thinking it will be fine to cram more people in than permitted, because who will know? She can't just have as many people as she likes, it's a business and they have strict rules on occupancy.

I wouldn't be happy either.

Benedikte2 · 13/03/2017 11:27

It's all very well for Mil to be generous but it's at your expense. This extra guest with children in tow is BIL 's wife's sister so very extended family. Unless one is very wealthy and can book very large houses one can't afford to accommodate every extended family member -- esp those that do not share a bloodline in any shape or form.
If they insist find out how long the stay will be and explain you will go home exhausted if you get very little sleep in the holiday. Explain the bathroom is not a safe place for a baby who might access cleaning products, hot water etc if he wakes at night.
Don't be prepared to make concessions which will ruin your holiday.
If you aren't happy pull out and let them have both your rooms and pay for them as well.
Posters with happy memories of chaotic happy, crowded holidays when they were children ought to consider whether the adults were having as much fun or whether they were in grin and bear it mode for the sake of their children getting a holiday.

Londonsburningahhhh · 13/03/2017 11:30

I wouldn't go if it was me. If you did go will you enjoy yourself? Regardless of whether she's nice or not she has not taken your feelings into consideration. The whole idea of the holiday was to spend it with her grandchildren not someone else's. I would tell them something important has come up so can't make it.

Londonsburningahhhh · 13/03/2017 11:35

Your oh is glutton for punishment.

Doyouwantabrew · 13/03/2017 11:36

I think as I posted previously you will seeth all holiday like I did and it will be ruined so you just put your foot down.

However the fact that you booked it through a friend whose a letting agent may well be your holy grail of getting out of jail free card.

Tell your mil you can't be liable for the overbooking and it's just not acceptable.

That way it's not you being the meanie( you arnt by the way) it's just the rules.

AnneTwacky · 13/03/2017 11:39

Does your BIL's SIL know her going wouls mean your child would have to sleep in the bath. There would be no way I could go if I knew that's what would happen.
I think you just have to stick to your guns with this one. YANBU in the slightest.

halcyondays · 13/03/2017 11:42

yanbu at all

FinallyHere · 13/03/2017 11:43

To the people claiming that they would 'choose' to give up DS's room for the greater good: this is not the situation the OP is describing, in order for OP to choose, she would have been consulted about the change in requirements and asked whether she was prepared to change, not have the change imposed.

Our family has mercifully few disagreements, through reading this type of dilemma, I have come to understand that my (much older) sister does all the work, to make sure everyone's needs are covered and if changes are required, asked us whether we would be prepared to.... whatever it is.

Under that regime, I have been more than happy to give up a room, share, even camp in the grounds.

The difference here is that tbe change is being imposed on OP, after she has made clear why they need a room for her child. I would strongly recommend not going along with this, it would not be the last time no consideration is shown for OP and her family.

WonderMike · 13/03/2017 11:43

The gate-crashing sister and her kids can't just sleep on he sofa either! This is a holiday rental and you can't just rock up with more people. The owner will, quite rightly, have a big issue with this as her insurance will almost certainly be invalidated.

Hang on - you booked this through a friend of yours that works there? Well then you can't possibly be expected to allow the house to be over occupied - it would put your friend in a terrible position and they could even lose their job! wink

OP, can you speak to the letting agent/ person and ask for clarification of the terms and conditions, especially with regards to the addition of guests. Ask them to send you a copy by email and forward to MIL who may be thinking it will be fine to cram more people in than permitted, because who will know? She can't just have as many people as she likes, it's a business and they have strict rules on occupancy.

Most holiday lets are not overflowing with cutlery or plates. With 3 (?) extra people you will run out. How are you going to eat if you can't get around the table? What about towels? Will the extra SIL bring fresh sheets to change, or is she going to be using the same as your DS?

PoppyFleur · 13/03/2017 11:44

This is the sort of thing that my sister has to put up with from her MIL. My BIL was of the opinion that it wasn't worth rocking the boat on the first occasion, or second...20 years later I think my sister had wished she had not only rocked the boat but driven it straight into the rocks!

I don't go on holiday to get even less sleep than I currently get at home and by the sounds of it, this would be the case if you shared a room with your child.

Your OH needs to have a chat with his mum and say "Mum none of us will sleep well in one bedroom which is why we organised a house that enables us all to have the space we need. The bathroom isn't an option, it would be really daft to leave a mobile toddler in a room with water. This doesn't work for us."

His mum, his problem.

SanityAssassin · 13/03/2017 11:44

I don't think I am a doormat!

The OP clearly doesn't want these people there - they are not close family.

She booked specifically for her child and got a discount and now someone else is taking the room (putting her out)

She has paid - new invitee hasn't by the sounds of things.

OP wasn't being generous someone else was with her property without even consulting her.

MIL etc weren't worried about family relations with OP when they did this - worse still OPs DH seems to be a doormat too.

Half a holiday you'd paid for ruined by uninvited guests and cramped sleeping arrangements you specifically didn't want and had mentioned.

But yeah you'd be OK with this for the sake of harmony - Why wouldn't you call them on any one of these? Oh yep I call Doormat.

HamletsSister · 13/03/2017 11:47

As a cottage owner I can tell you that there is usually a limit in insurance terms as to how many you can take. Ours, for example, sleeps 6 plus a cot. As in, there are 6 bed spaces, 6 sets of cutlery, 6 seats by the TV etc but we will also accommodate 1 child in a cot. If a child needs a bed then they need to occupy a bed space.

Howlandbreathe · 13/03/2017 11:52

Bigger houses ( holiday let's I'm talking about ) have a notorious reputation for clients 'sneaking in an extra 1 or 3' thinking no harm done.

Well there is as the owner can be fined as fire risk has been exceeded, insurance invalidated etc etc

My Bil lives next door to his holiday let and regularly ( and quite rightly) kicks people out if they break the limit. They may or may not get the deposit back depending on how polite inventive they are.

Not sure I'd want to take that risk...

HunterHearstHelmsley · 13/03/2017 11:53

Wow.

If your IL's have invited her then they can give up their room. You specifically booked a cottage with an extra room for your DS. If they won't do that then they need to source a cottage with an extra room.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 13/03/2017 11:55

Tbf, its the MIL who organise the holiday cottage so in some ways, this is up to her to decide who stays.

there is a question about number of people in the house that needs to be resolved.

I do think that the MIL has strange ideas re sleeping in the bathroom (I hope there is a loo somewhere else in the house, otherwise can you imagine how this would end up??)
I also think she really hasn't realised how much of a light sleeper you ds is.
She is in for some long long days and lots of crying.
I would let her know, warned her hugely in advance. she might realise even though now that she has said yes to the SIL, I'm not sure how she can back out :(

badger2005 · 13/03/2017 11:56

SanityAssassin

I disagree. It may just be a question of different priorities.
E.g. A might welcome in an unexpected guest, and B might not. I expect B has lots of good reasons for not welcoming the guest in. Perhaps some of those reasons weigh less for A. That doesn't make A a doormat!

I see a doormat as someone who is letting things happen to them that they did not choose, because they are too afraid to stop them happening. It is different if you have chosen to allow them to happen all things considered.

I agree with a PP that the OP did not make the choice in the first place to give up her child's room. But the OP certainly has a choice now given the current situation. The OP can refuse - e.g. contact the MIL, SIL and say no. The OP can also choose to let the SIL have the room. The thing that would worry me in the OP's behaviour would be if the OP wanted to say no (all things considered) but was too afraid too. The posts that have the OP playing martyr and offering to withdraw, or hiding behind the terms of the contract, all seem like poor options to me. Just refuse openly, or accept.