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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unfair that SIL is having a free holiday at my expense?

483 replies

sleepwhatsleep · 13/03/2017 07:35

We've booked a holiday home in Cornwall for a week in the summer. Me and OH with DS, his parents, his brother with his wife and 2 kids. Between the 3 couples we've split the cost.
Anyway last night MIL said that OH's brother's SIL is going to join us "for a few days" as "there are enough bedrooms anyway". There is just enough bedrooms for the 3 couples and the kids. OH's brother has 2 kids - one will be less than a year old so sharing with them anyway, and the other has special needs so needs their own room.
Mil has already referred to "well if we have to then your DS can sleep in your bathroom for a few nights" which i thought was odd as there were enough rooms for him to sleep separately (he will be 1 and a bit). So i guess from what i learned yesterday that they've already decided that DS will have to give up his room to accomdate his SIL with her kids for their free holiday for a few days out of only a week? Angry
What's made me more annoyed is that they haven't asked us beforehand.

AIBU to kick off about this?

OP posts:
clerquin · 13/03/2017 10:33

I've been on too many of these holidays - more or less exactly the same scenario. A relative brings extra guest or 2 - the latest person/s who weren't on the scene at the time of holiday booking. This means we have one room less but 2/3 kids to distribute. Youngest grandchild is now 8 so a travelcot won't do. After having my then 10yr old sleeping on/hanging over a too small single sofa chair in our room for the week and lacking towels for everyone, we pass on these holidays. Lesson learnt! Life is too short!

Spring2016 · 13/03/2017 10:39

There's been a misunderstanding... ds is a little bugger about sleep and it just won't be a break if he keeps us all awake." Offer to sell them your third so they can go instead (hopefully, they will just drop out) and then suggest you all do it properly another time.
I think if you don't say something here you're in danger of being walked over for years to come but, you can definitely do it nicely. Just keep repeating the same simple phrases until you're heard.
That sounds about right. I would not say nothing and just go along with it because it was really not fair to arrange a vacation with you, split costs three ways and then not even discuss the extra people tagging along, and taking your dc's bedroom on top of it.

BillyButtfuck · 13/03/2017 10:39

I also don't imagine you'll have a great time staying with MIL and SIL and whoever else - if you aren't close enough to have an open and frank conversation with them about this and prioritise your wants and needs, you'll spend the whole holiday treading on egg shells and being pushed into various activities, dinners or whatever that you don't want to do.

DEMum101 · 13/03/2017 10:39

I am not sure about this MIL paying more than her share stuff. They have divided the cost per adult rather than per room which isn't an uncommon way of doing it - we are doing the same thing for a group holiday we are going on soon.

What MIL is asking would be more understandable if OP hadn't specifically told her that their DS needed his own room and that was the reason they went for the bigger house. She is just riding rough shod over the OP's reasons because she doesn't think a one year old needs his own room and can therefore be moved about at will, even to sleep in a bathroom which is completely unreasonable.

So basically, OP either puts DS in the bathroom which then becomes unusable for them once he is asleep (as he is a light sleeper if for no other reason) or keeps in their room and none of them get much sleep for the time the SIL is there. How is this a holiday? They end up sleep deprived and probably so does DS resulting in a grumpy child for several days which will be no fun for anyone.

I am all for big group holidays but I would say no to this. Why can't SIL sleep on the sofa?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/03/2017 10:40

Well, if a room has to be given up, it should be by the person who fucked up the arrangements; Be that BIL&wife for inviting her sister without discussion, or MIL&FIL for inviting without discussion.

OP had made clear pre-booking that her DS needed his own room. The accommodation was selected specifically to allow this. It sounds to me as if 'someone' didn't agree and saw that room as 'spare'. It isn't, so they should be the ones to give up their room.

And I'd make clear for future joint holidays that if anyone springs this trick again, I'd be withdrawing from the joint holiday and expect a refund. It's a low trick.

Lweji · 13/03/2017 10:44

I disagree with your OH. Stand your ground now or it will be harder in future holidays.

FrenchLavender · 13/03/2017 10:45

YANBU.

It should not have just been decided without consulting all parties who originally agreed to book the house.

The cost should be split equally but pro-rata to reflect the fact that she will be there for fewer days.

thatdearoctopus · 13/03/2017 10:45

The gate-crashing sister and her kids can't just sleep on he sofa either! This is a holiday rental and you can't just rock up with more people. The owner will, quite rightly, have a big issue with this as her insurance will almost certainly be invalidated.
Maybe thats the angle you should take, although you are well within your rights to object on all the other grounds.

badger2005 · 13/03/2017 10:46

Well, whatever you decide to do, I recommend keeping relationships with your family at the forefront of your mind. That doesn't mean that you have to do what they want, of course, but I would be as accommodating as I could.
The stuff about who has a right to what, and how they have not cared about you so you don't have to help them out - these are all unhelpful thoughts I think. The important things are that you all get on well, and have a good holiday.

Hissy · 13/03/2017 10:46

Nousernameforme Mon 13-Mar-17 09:45:23
I would say
"Oh what a shame there won't be room for us after all. Who is going to buy our rooms of us then Sil? Mil? any takers? Oh also our friend who did us mates rates on this room now wants full whack seeing as we won't be there."

This. Go on, deep breath and just say it.

Hissy · 13/03/2017 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/03/2017 10:51

Maragret - the OP's MIL might think it's terribly indulgent to have a 1 year old with their own room, but to just fill it when she knows the 1 year old was basically a condition of her DS and DIL coming on the holiday she wanted, but waiting until after it's booked so it's "too late" to change to a larger property stinks of PA nonesense and still seeing herself as "the one in charge" of the family.

OP - I really think sucking it up will mean you'll have an expensive shit time, offer to not go and BIL's SIL can 'buy' your rooms from you. Or she doesn't go, or you go back to the holiday company and see if you can swap to a large enough property, but make it clear that you would just not have agreed to go at all if the 'deal' was DS was in the room with you.

MIL knew this was a condition of you agreeing to come on the holiday she wanted. If she wanted a cottage holiday with all her grandchildren, and her two DS's paying a share (not just her hosting the whole thing) it needed to be a 5 bed cottage at least. That was spelt out at the booking stage.

Obviously she's decided because she would have been happy to have a smaller place/children in with their parents when she was a mother of young children, you are wrong to inisit so she can just overrule you and you'll see she's right when you are forced to. What you have to make her & your DH realise is that you are grown ups who don't have to just put up with spending a lot of money to have a shit time because she's decided this is acceptable for you.

She wants to dictate the rooms, she pays for them all. She expects you to pay 1/3 of the holiday, she can't treat it like she's the host.

AndKnowItsSeven · 13/03/2017 10:52

Were you really planning on putting a one year old in their own room in a strange place. He would be better with you any way.

WoopWoop200 · 13/03/2017 10:56

I wouldn't give up the room. If they're going to make a fuss then I'd get my money ry back and hope they have a nice time. They wouldn't like it if SN kid was told to give up his room. Plus BIL seem to have the extra room and extra family all included in their price, how is that fair? Invite your parents/siblings so their kid has to give their room as well. Won't be seen as reasonable when it affects them.

I am interested to see how this plays out as i see this so much on here.....Keep us updated Flowers

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/03/2017 10:57

AndKnowItsSeven - they've rented a house, not in a hotel. Why wouldn't you put the 1 year old (who sleeps in their own room at home) in their own room in a house you've rented for a week?

Why would he be better off in with them?

1bighappyfamily · 13/03/2017 10:57

Were you really planning on putting a one year old in their own room in a strange place. He would be better with you any way.

Mine wouldn't have been. They've always been better in their own room. Their routine is what it is and they were fine wherever I put them to bed.

YANBU OP. I'd definitely be seeking a refund if nothing else.

DEMum101 · 13/03/2017 10:59

AndKnowItsSeven the OP has already explained her reasons for DS needing his own room further up the thread. He sleeps better which means they all get a decent night's sleep which would not be the case if he slept in with them.

However, it seems clear that MIL doesn't agree and so is just ignoring OP's perfectly good reasons for needing the extra room.

AndKnowItsSeven · 13/03/2017 11:00

Because he is not a little baby he will be aware of his surroundings and more secure with his parents in the room. It's not something I would ever do , so to me the op reads more like an excuse.

pseudonymity · 13/03/2017 11:00

You just need to say no

Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 13/03/2017 11:01

A crowded holiday rental is not my idea of a holiday. Sounds horrendous.

Mine too.
I never understand the need to want to go on holiday with extended family.
If it's for cost that's understandable, but otherwise nol

AndKnowItsSeven · 13/03/2017 11:01

Yes of course he sleeps better, as does every baby in a thread where giving up a room for the benefit of others is mentioned.

bloodyteenagers · 13/03/2017 11:02

Then you have never had a baby who wakes at every cough. Every time one of the parents turns over. Has a scratch etc.

Just because it's not something that you wouldn't do, doesn't mean that op is just looking for excuses to want her child on his own room.

AndKnowItsSeven · 13/03/2017 11:03

Ha ha yes I do actually teenagers, two of them actually and the same time.

clerquin · 13/03/2017 11:04

Is there a possibility that MIL may well be less keen than you think on non family members (her DIL's sister plus kids) joining the holiday but said yes under pressure? It maybe that all is needed is for you to voice your reservations over the lack of space and potentially dropping out of the holiday altogether to knock this on the head. I can't imagine MIL, DH or his brother wanting that scenario on what is supposed to be a family bonding holiday. So, your SIL's sister & her kids - are they particularly close to your MIL or even, yourself or DH? They may be nice but it sounds pretty odd to me.

RaspberryBeret34 · 13/03/2017 11:05

YANBU. I think you should say something otherwise you'll spend half your holiday seething (at them) every time your DS wakes - or when he wakes at 5am when he sees mummy and daddy and decides it must be play time! Actually, realistically it'll end up being more than half. If she is having a few days in the middle they are bound to say the day before she is due to leave "oh, we'lre all having such a lovely time! Why not stay till the end?".

Can you say "oh, that's fine - I think there's usually an issue with extra guests in holiday cottages but we can timeshare the 2 rooms with SIL and share the cost, taking 1/6 each. There's a place we want to visit on the way anyway so if SIL takes the first 3 days, we'll take the last 4". Then, book into somewhere with adjoining rooms for you and your DS and have a few days holiday with just the 3 of you first. If they say something then just cheerily say "DS really does need his own room, not a bathroom, I'm afraid, as we previously mentioned when sorting the booking...".

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