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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unfair that SIL is having a free holiday at my expense?

483 replies

sleepwhatsleep · 13/03/2017 07:35

We've booked a holiday home in Cornwall for a week in the summer. Me and OH with DS, his parents, his brother with his wife and 2 kids. Between the 3 couples we've split the cost.
Anyway last night MIL said that OH's brother's SIL is going to join us "for a few days" as "there are enough bedrooms anyway". There is just enough bedrooms for the 3 couples and the kids. OH's brother has 2 kids - one will be less than a year old so sharing with them anyway, and the other has special needs so needs their own room.
Mil has already referred to "well if we have to then your DS can sleep in your bathroom for a few nights" which i thought was odd as there were enough rooms for him to sleep separately (he will be 1 and a bit). So i guess from what i learned yesterday that they've already decided that DS will have to give up his room to accomdate his SIL with her kids for their free holiday for a few days out of only a week? Angry
What's made me more annoyed is that they haven't asked us beforehand.

AIBU to kick off about this?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 13/03/2017 09:59

You've paid for a room for your DS so that's what you should get. Its not "rocking the boat" to object. That's how people get away with all sorts of behaviour because some people want to "keep the peace". Funny how the other people dont think of this eh?!

BadLad · 13/03/2017 09:59

Grin Basically, Thumb, it's a very bad idea. For all sorts of reasons.

dowhatnow · 13/03/2017 09:59

But the sil isn't the ops family. It's hers bils family. I wouldn't mind the bathroom personally apart from the fact it makes it unusable for you, but that is beside the point. The point is, that extra room was booked deliberately for the ops son, otherwise they would have booked a smaller place in the first place. Nobody can then decide it's not necessary after all.

bloodyteenagers · 13/03/2017 10:02

Or if there's only two bathrooms - one is off limits anyway because of the sleeping child. Anyone who thinks it's ok to go and use the toilet needs to have a word with themselves.
The other op, take a book, some nice bubbles, maybe a glass of wine and have a long soak.
Yes they will complain. But you've shoved your child in the bathroom to sleep and don't see why you should also have to miss out on the long soak.

dowhatnow · 13/03/2017 10:02

The holiday cottage next our last one had a load of extra people turn up. The owner who lived on site was livid. Fortunately there was a spare bigger property available that she made them pay extra for, otherwise she would have refused to let them stay as it invalidated her insurance.

badger2005 · 13/03/2017 10:04

Thumbwitchesabroad and BadLad. Yes I totally agree. If we are talking about a place with just one bathroom shared between everyone, then putting him in the bathroom won't work. I was assuming that the OP's room had an en-suite, because of the MIL referring to "your" bathroom.
OP - do you have an ensuite bathroom? Are there other bathrooms in the house?

coconutpie · 13/03/2017 10:05

YANBU. So your MIL suggested a house with one less room, you said no as you wanted DS to have his own room and then you managed to find a place with 1 extra room that was cheaper anyway than the original because you know somebody who works there? Then that is your room by right even if splitting the bill three ways. MIL and SIL are relying on you not rocking the boat yet they are perfectly happy to give you the shit treatment.

As for sleeping in the bathroom - WTAF? Tell MIL SHE can sleep in the fucking bathroom. I would be telling MIL that either you stick to the original plan or else you will be expecting a full refund and you, your DH and DC will be holidaying elsewhere. Do not put up and shut up about this. MIL has just shown what she thinks of your family and it isn't much.

SapphireStrange · 13/03/2017 10:06

I spent many happy childhood visits bunking up on lilos and sofas in cluttered spare rooms, relatives' living rooms etc. But the idea of sleeping in the bathroom is beyond the pale.

badger2005 · 13/03/2017 10:07

I agree that the OP has a right to the room - because she has paid for it. But sometimes it's nice to forfeit your right to something for some other bigger purpose - in this case, giving lots of people a nice holiday (and hopefully the OP too!). It all comes down to the details, like how inconvenient this actually would be for the OP.

BillyButtfuck · 13/03/2017 10:09

Fuck that, you / DH needs to just tell them how you feel.

badger2005 · 13/03/2017 10:10

All of this "you've paid for a room, so you should get a room", "you have a right to the room" is a bit sad. That is all true, but it's not the end of the story. You have to balance this against other things that matter, like generosity, kindness, relationships etc etc.
There are plenty of things that I have a "right" to that I don't take up, because of the bigger picture.

DixieNormas · 13/03/2017 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeirdnessOfDoom · 13/03/2017 10:13

Badger, it's hardly a holiday for OP if her son is going to sleep in the bathroom to accommodate 2 extra adults and 2 of their kids.I never heard od anybody sleeping in the bathroom except when drunk

badger2005 · 13/03/2017 10:17

But *WeirdnessofDoom" other people on this thread have moved the travel cot to the bathroom in hotels etc. It all comes down to the details - how big is the bathroom? Is it ensuite, or is it a shared bathroom?

If it is a large ensuite bathroom which can easily accommodate a travel cot, and if there is another communal bathroom that the OP can use (and perhaps others also have their own ensuites), then I would go ahead with it.

If it really really would be a nightmare (e.g. only one communal bathroom, or no room for cot etc), then I would explain why it couldn't be done. But the fact that I had paid for an extra room, and had a right to it - this wouldn't settle the matter.

August1984 · 13/03/2017 10:19

If it was one night i'd say fair do's, but why should you waste a holiday if you won't get any sleep so someone else can get a free ride? I wouldn't want to sleep in the toilet as an adult, i'm not shoving my kid in there to nurture a relationship with my BIL's wife's sister Hmm

If they want to come they will have to stay nearby, you can make all the happy, well-rested memories you want then, hell MIL can invite every random relative she can think of- they just can't stay in your sons bedroom.

Plus you don't want to piss off your friend who gave you the discount by shoving a load of extra people in, potentially invalidating their insurance and definitely not fattening their wallet anyway. Maybe they wont mind them using the front room if it has a sofa bed.

happypoobum · 13/03/2017 10:20

YANBU. I would say she doesn't come or you won't be going.

GoodDayToYou · 13/03/2017 10:21

YANBU.
Who expects their in-laws' in-laws to pay for and accommodate their holidays?
At best, mil has got herself in a situation and now you have to deal with it.
I would suggest you get your dh to call his mum, or one of you call the sil and say, nicely but firmly, that, "There's been a misunderstanding... ds is a little bugger about sleep and it just won't be a break if he keeps us all awake." Offer to sell them your third so they can go instead (hopefully, they will just drop out) and then suggest you all do it properly another time.
I think if you don't say something here you're in danger of being walked over for years to come but, you can definitely do it nicely. Just keep repeating the same simple phrases until you're heard.
Good luck with it!

MuseumOfCurry · 13/03/2017 10:21

It might be that the bathroom is not even large enough to accommodate a travel cot.

But sometimes it's nice to forfeit your right to something for some other bigger purpose

The OP could be the bigger person, but her MIL has shown her no consideration and someone should have a word with her about it. A holiday where a toddler can't sleep well - well, you might as well stay home, right?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/03/2017 10:22

Time to be honest with your DH and either get him to be honest with MIL/BIL or do that bit yourself. If you had been told this was the arrangement before booking, you'd have not booked. This is no longer a holiday you want to go on, so if BIL's SIL wants to take over your 2 rooms, she's welcome to reimberse you and you'll arrange something for just your family.

thatdearoctopus · 13/03/2017 10:23

As ever, so many people mis-reading the OP.

It is not the OP's sil who is gate-crashing this holiday, nor any direct relation to the mil, so posters talking about how mil wants all her family around her are a bit off the mark. It's her sil's sister, none of whose children have SN, so it's not about her needing a break. The child with SN is her sil's. He is the one who (also) needs his own room.

OP, you say you don't want to rock the boat and upset people. But they're perfectly happy to rok yours and upset you?

MargaretCavendish · 13/03/2017 10:24

So your MIL suggested a house with one less room, you said no as you wanted DS to have his own room and then you managed to find a place with 1 extra room that was cheaper anyway than the original because you know somebody who works there? Then that is your room by right even if splitting the bill three ways

I can see what you mean here, but I can also see why MiL doesn't see it that way. I suspect she thinks a one year old having their own room on holiday is ridiculous/indulgent. Finding the cheaper place meant it didn't directly come up as a point of conflict, but now it has. I actually think the cheaper place has sort of caused this problem - if the extra room for the child had cost more and OP had paid that then there could be no question. As it is, I think MiL probably thinks you have got a cottage with a 'spare' room.

thatdearoctopus · 13/03/2017 10:26

if the extra room for the child had cost more and OP had paid that then there could be no question.
I bet there would be. The mil fancies a "Waltons-style" holiday - even if not everyone else has signed up for that.

rollonthesummer · 13/03/2017 10:29

The OP says that the MiL loves having everyone all bundled in together, great-lovely, but it's not fair of her to impose that on others. Especially when MILs sleep won't be affected!

GwenStaceyRocks · 13/03/2017 10:31

Maybe she isn't having a free holiday, maybe she is helping your DBIL and DSIL to pay for their share. I'd be irritated at the change in plans but I'd want to find out what has actually happened before deciding it's unfair.
If your DBIL, DSIL and DMIL all invited the other DSIL and she has contributed then yourself and DH are going to be in the minority of seeing it as a problem.

bloodyteenagers · 13/03/2017 10:33

It might not even be the mil who invited this person considering she is no relation to her. Maybe it's the sister who mentioned the family holiday. Of course you can come along. There's a spare room, well technically there is but we will just evict the 1 year old. Our youngest is in with us so op will also have to suck it up. Don't worry about paying we've paid a third so we've paid for 3 rooms.

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