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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why somebody would go through life with no friends?

154 replies

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 13:57

I don't mean no friends now, I mean no friends ever? Surely a person must have had at least one friend when they were at school?
I fail to see how this would happen to a person if I'm honest, it's so bizarre.

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 12/03/2017 17:53

What i don't understand is your inability to understand. Some people even took the time to explain why some people might be like that,but you completely ignore it and keep claiming you don't understand. You're either emotionally stunted/lack empathy/can't see beyond your own experiences,goady or looking for a specific answer that no one has given yet.

Bundesliga · 12/03/2017 17:53

Sorry not Oblomov17 but rather persp - got the name wrong.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/03/2017 17:55

deblet · 12/03/2017 17:56

It's difficult to make friends as you get older. As my children have gone to secondary school I find I have nobody to really hang about with anymore. I have work colleagues I get on well with, maybe lunch with occasionally and go to the christmas do but I have never had a lifelong friend. I went to 6 schools and moved around a fair bit maybe that's why. I am lucky to have a good family but finding that elusive friend to bond with has never happened.

maggiethemagpie · 12/03/2017 17:57

I didn't have friends at school, and it ruined my life at the time. I desperately wanted friends, but it never happened for me. Looking back, I had a lot of issues and it was only when I worked on them, later in life, that I actually managed to make some real friendships. I am happy with my social life now but for many years I felt like I was some kind of freak. It was a desperately sad time for me.

It's not a choice for some people.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/03/2017 18:00

for many years I felt like I was some kind of freak

And then along comes the OP confirming that, yes indeed, friendless people are freaks...before disingenuously wondering how on earth that could be interpreted as upsetting.

maggiethemagpie · 12/03/2017 18:05

To answer the OPs question, and it is an interesting question even if it could have been put more tactfully, what I learned in therapy is that your parents are your first friends. My parents split up when I was a baby, my mum couldn't cope with 3 kids and had a nanny to look after me. The nanny had no children of her own and got too close to me.... my mum got jealous and dismissed her.

I think I may have bonded to the wrong woman, who was then cruelly snatched away from me, at a very very early age - we're talking between 1 and 2 years old.

That's the only way I can make sense of it.

Thank god I managed to work my way out of it via therapy or who knows how I would have continued to live life. I'm quite happy with my friendships now. Never thought I would be.

Ragwort · 12/03/2017 18:06

It's difficult to make friends as you get older - I actually find it a lot easier, there is time to do things for yourself more, join groups, volunteer - whatever you enjoy - not the endless needing to be back at 3pm for school pick up or trailing around football pitches or soft play parties at weekends . I've moved around a lot but I always make sure I find out what is going on in the community and get involved. Few people will turn down a willing volunteer and you are nearly always going to meet people you get on with. .

Bundesliga · 12/03/2017 18:08

The OP either has an agenda or is being wilfully obtuse to try to "save face".

However, what the fuck agenda could you have with a post like this? Unless another MNer that you were trying to be passively aggressive with posted about not having friends? I really don't get it.

ToastVacuum · 12/03/2017 18:11

Are you writing an essay for a sociology course OP?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 12/03/2017 18:12

Are you writing an essay for a sociology course OP?

Or a DM reporter.

Anatidae · 12/03/2017 18:15

Are you talking about yourself op? Are you the one with no friends?

It's not unusual - at least I don't think so. If it is you, then you are far from the only one. No it's not bizarre or weird. It's just part of a whole spectrum of life.

Or are you criticising someone you have met/know with no friends? I think most people on this thread are assuming the latter, which is why you're getting a hard time.

x246 · 12/03/2017 18:15

I'm sure everybody has met people they don't like. Surely it's not a stretch to imagine there are people in the world who everybody has the same reaction to? Just like you get people who're super popular, loved by all types.

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/03/2017 18:16

Not everyone feels that friends are an essential part of life. Should they just set fire to themselves as they've failed at life

WhataHexIgotinto · 12/03/2017 18:17

I asked a genuine question and right from the outset I've been insulted, what do you expect?

Perhaps to reconsider what you'd posted and clarified your question in a more pleasant way. Thought about your phrasing. Considered how your posts may have been misinterpreted if you feel you have been misunderstood. That's what i would have expected.

Original poster

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 18:18

Are you writing an essay for a sociology course OP?

Haha, no. My sociology studies were over 30 years ago. Neither am I a journalist (does the DM have any journalists?)

OP posts:

OdinsLoveChild · 12/03/2017 18:20

I dont ever remember having friends. I know lots of people through school, hobbies, work etc but I find the drama often associated with some friends and the possibility that someone may rely on me at some point when I really dont want to help makes me deliberately not make close friendships.

Im shit at socialising too and deliberately work alone so I don't need to deal with anyone if I dont want to. I'm an introvert and there are days when I just can't do 'people'.

Its difficult explaining that I just don't want to socialise with anyone and I actually enjoy the fact that I have no pressure or expectations put on me. It doesn't mean I'm unkind or offensive or even unhappy. I have great difficulty understanding why people feel they need friends.

SmileEachDay · 12/03/2017 18:24

So why are you asking, OP? What brought this question to mind?

Original poster

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 18:42

keep claiming you don't understand.

Actually it was once.

OP posts:

FrenchLavender · 12/03/2017 18:45

All these people on here who say they have no friends do they have a DP?

Exactly what I was about to ask, and it would appear from several replies so far that they do.

I don't find it at all surprising that some people never manage to make or keep proper friends. What I do find quite bizarre is that many of the people on MN who claim to be completely friendless with terrible social skills or social anxiety seem to have (or have had) partners. How do you manage to attract a partner and end up in a serious relationship but you can't do the same with platonic friendships?

The other thing I often wonder is that if so many people say they find themselves friendless because of autism / Asperger's but how come they don't just zone in on one another? Surely they will at least 'get' one another, even if no-one else gets them?

RebelRogue · 12/03/2017 18:57

Surely they will at least 'get' one another, even if no-one else gets them?

Oh yeah cause you've met one aspie/person with autism you've met them all. How ridiculous,only thing they have in common is A diagnosis. That doesn't mean their personalities would match or "get" each other ffs.

RebelRogue · 12/03/2017 19:00

As for having partners...online dating,work,family friend/acquaintance etc.
I barely left my room( mostly to buy food and fags) for nearly a year. I still had sex and even a boyfriend or five.

x246 · 12/03/2017 19:06

Just different perceptions of what 'no friends' means. Some people don't count acquaintances or partners. Some people mean no connections at all outside of family.

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/03/2017 19:06

"The other thing I often wonder is that if so many people say they find themselves friendless because of autism / Asperger's but how come they don't just zone in on one another? Surely they will at least 'get' one another, even if no-one else gets them?"

Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. It would be great if it did though :)

needahugekickuptheass · 12/03/2017 19:09

Some people are massively unfortunate - in the sense that all the people they do come into contact with as potential friends are simply cunts

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