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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why somebody would go through life with no friends?

154 replies

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 13:57

I don't mean no friends now, I mean no friends ever? Surely a person must have had at least one friend when they were at school?
I fail to see how this would happen to a person if I'm honest, it's so bizarre.

OP posts:
PossumInAPearTree · 12/03/2017 16:04

Friendships are a two way street of give and take and quite frankly, the family members I am referring to are just too selfish to offer anything other than take, take, take

This is why I don't want close friends. I'd be happy with give and take however I seem to be surrounded by takers. Someone I know seems keen to be closer friends, we're friends on fb, live close by, meet up a bit. She messages me nearly ever week asking when I can come round and see her. She will never come here as it's "too hard with the baby". If we ever arrange to meet up for coffee she will text that morning and ask me to come to hers as she's "had a bad night". I could understand if it wasn't every single time. When we do meet up all she wants to talk about is herself. I'd rather stay home and read a book to be honest.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/03/2017 16:07

To be frank, if the OP generally handles relationships with the aplomb she has shown on this thread, she should be very, very grateful to the people who stuck with her long enough to become friends.

ProfessionalPirate · 12/03/2017 16:09

To be honest OP, I find it incredible that you have gone through life with any friends if you can write such goady, tactless posts and then be suprised that others are offended.

ProfessionalPirate · 12/03/2017 16:10

X-post with tick

LetBartletBeBartlet · 12/03/2017 16:11

This thread has either been unfortunately executed, or is just plain offensive to those of us who are without friends (or DP/DHs)

Not sure which it is.

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 16:13

So why on earth do you think it's appropriate for you to ask other people to start sharing painful, personal details about their lives when you're not willing to do the same?

I wasn't, I was wondering why some people are unfortunate (or whatever) enough never to have friends. That's different to asking for details of their private life - however, they have a choice whether or not to give it.

I would rather have no friends than be friends with someone like you.

Well that speaks volumes doesn't it?!

OP posts:
hoddtastic · 12/03/2017 16:16

i feel a bit sorry for the OP, those of you saying they had no friends ever- from any setting/house move/posting/pre having kids with SN etc?

I also find that hard to believe.

I will add, if i meet someone who only has their family as friends I wonder why that is? I don't believe that through the whole of life in any setting or at any life stage circumstances have conspired that you remain alone.

I think most people, meet at least one person (whether that's at work/school/the schoolgates/doing a hobby/college/dog walking etc) who they could be friends with.

Anon1234567890 · 12/03/2017 16:17

In school you get lumped into the group of people who have no friends. You hang around together but they are never your friends and you never see them again once you turn 18.

At uni you want to make friends, you have common interests, studies, clubs, even try a few relationships, so its easy to fake. But you never manage to 'fit in' or make genuine friendships. After Uni you never contact those people again.
In work, you make a massive effort to be friendly but by now you realize your just not like everyone else, you don't want or need friendships. There is nothing better than getting home, locking the door and pulling the curtains.

You can be friendly, its easy to talk about work things but when someone pulls out a cake to celebrate, starts talking about sports or some award ceremony its time to exit the room. You don't get it and can be bothered trying to get it anymore. Who cares if they think you are weird, you will soon be home with the best company in the world, your own.

The weekends are the best, a whole 48 hours without having to see another person. Thankfully all siblings weddings are out of the way, those big group pretenses are enough to make you scream. Having to be there because you have to be there but really spending the whole day hiding in a nearby bar and then having to lie about how wonderful the whole thing was....

Sometimes some of us just don't fit into the world the way most other do. Does that mean we are weird? I dunno, I just want to be left alone.

OrangeStar · 12/03/2017 16:20

Its really horrible to see OP attacked! Very unpleasant posters on AIBU, looking for any excuse to vent rather than reflect.

Muggins68 · 12/03/2017 16:21

THE ELEPHANT
Thank you for your post. it's so painful having no friends and my parents rejected me so many times. Thought people could see what my parents disliked about me but now you have shown me a different perspective

OrangeStar · 12/03/2017 16:22

It could have been an interesting thread if people hadn't got so nasty (probably inadvertently answering your question btw). Some people, you have to remember OP, come on AIBU looking to take offence and even find a scapegoat for their anger. There was nothing in your original post that was unpleasant. I thought it was an interesting question myself, but you will get little clarity here!

haveacupoftea · 12/03/2017 16:27

Some people just don't find others on their wavelength very easily. It's quite usual to find yourself with no friends after school/college/uni and age around 24/25 (its called a quarter life crisis). At that stage you just wait to see if you're lucky enough to meet someone you connect with at work or from the other mums at school and so on. Sometimes you dont and thats just life.

Having said that, I think a lot depends on your family background too. If you come from a family who was very involved in the local community with family friends popping round all the time you are much more likely to have a wide circle of people you can call on. My mum was a single parent with depression and understandably didn't socialise much for quite a bit of my childhood, which had the knock on effect of narrowing my social circle and limiting my social skills, making it harder to make friends.

But the most important thing is that you are happy, and we are all different. Some people are happy with 0 friends and some are happy with 100 Smile

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 16:30

What do you mean by a 'friend'?

A person who you can phone when you want a chat, a person that you can call upon if there is a problem and who can do the same with you.

OP posts:
mrsclaus100 · 12/03/2017 16:36

Thestoic, my post wasn't intended to be stigmatised. I was simply pointing out my experiences of family not having friends. I'm well aware that's not the cause in lots of other cases. Seriously, people are looking for a fight today I think OP!!

Oblomov17 · 12/03/2017 16:53

I think OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time here. Maybe her choice of the word 'bizarre' wasn't her best choice.

But it is quite unusual. Unless you have SN or have been so abused that you trust no one, then it is quite unusual to not have any friends.

Most people crave friendship. Not all but most. Part of being human, rather than some other animals, is our attachment to others, our craving for closeness and love and companionship.

Thingsgettingstranger · 12/03/2017 16:57

My kids (15 and 16) have never really had friends. They like to keep themselves to themselves, and they're both socially anxious so speaking to people isn't what they like to do. They're not unhappy, or losing out on anything. They're bright, happy, amazing kids and it's not saddening at all Hmm.

seagazer · 12/03/2017 16:57

Having no friends often is simply because of shyness. Nothing at all bizarre about it. I have found that shy people, rather than dismiss them as boring and irrelevant, as some people do, if we took the time to get to know them. I often find shy people who "have no friends" far more interesting than some who are very outgoing and surrounded by friends.

Jes1976 · 12/03/2017 16:57

This reply has been deleted

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Iwantpinotgrigio · 12/03/2017 16:58

I often wondered this until I went someone who was so awful no one could put up with her for more than a few weeks.

I've a also met many people who just don't connect with anyone. Some people just don't want friends.

I constantly get asked out on 'friend dates' and a lot of people show an interest in being friends with me. But I am very selective who I'm friends with.

TheElephantofSurprise · 12/03/2017 16:58

Muggins68 Flowers
Recommending counselling, if you don't already have it. 'They fuck you up your mum and dad', said Philip Larkin, and he was right.

TinselTwins · 12/03/2017 16:59

There's a kid in DDs class who has had some trauma at home, since then she's lashed out at school, so understandably the other kids avoid her.

School is shit for a lot of kids. YABU to not get that!

Pollyanna9 · 12/03/2017 17:00

Plenty people crave friendship but every friendship I have made in the last 3 years the person has ended up being dishonest, a liar, flaky.

Is that my fault?

I think you'll find it is MUCH less unusual than you think to not find and make good friends.

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 17:09

Wind your neck in op you stupid smug bitch!

I'm guessing that you maybe don't have many friends if that is what you are like when you come into contact with people? Never mind, your loss!

OP posts:
nebulae · 12/03/2017 17:12

But it is quite unusual. Unless you have SN or have been so abused that you trust no one, then it is quite unusual to not have any friends.

Most people crave friendship. Not all but most. Part of being human, rather than some other animals, is our attachment to others, our craving for closeness and love and companionship.

I don't have SN and I've never been abused in any way, shape or form but I don't have any friends. I have in the past, but not for the last 20 years or so. It's mostly by choice, I like my own company. Occasionally I might feel a bit lonely, maybe on New Years Eve or something, but most of the time I'm perfectly content. I could have friends, I don't have any problems getting on with people, I just can't be bothered mostly.

I hope I'm reading your last paragraph the wrong way. You weren't implying I'm somehow subhuman were you?

TinselTwins · 12/03/2017 17:14

You don't need to be an asshole to have no friends. If you're in a group dynamic with big characters its easy to just get forgotten if you're nice.

There are a few sweet kids in DDs class who only get invited to the larger number parties, they're not disliked, but they're nobody's no1 either!

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