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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why somebody would go through life with no friends?

154 replies

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 13:57

I don't mean no friends now, I mean no friends ever? Surely a person must have had at least one friend when they were at school?
I fail to see how this would happen to a person if I'm honest, it's so bizarre.

OP posts:

TinselTwins · 12/03/2017 17:16

I'm guessing that you maybe don't have many friends if that is what you are like when you come into contact with people? Never mind, your loss!

Psychopaths and sosiopaths are often popular and surrounded by people

ClarkWGriswold · 12/03/2017 17:20

My DH doesn't have any friends and I don't think he ever really has. He had a rotten childhood with an alcoholic mother that lasted into his early 20's so he never wanted people around to witness that. He now finds it difficult to make friends because he doesn't really know how to. I also think he has a bit of social anxiety. He is a wonderful person with lots to give but instead he gives his all to me and DCs.

I guess if you lack empathy then yes, you would find it bizarre that someone may have gone through life without making friends.

TinselTwins · 12/03/2017 17:21

Op you aren't coming across as very nice and you have friends

maybe success in friendship isn't correlated to niceness hmm?

Oblomov17 · 12/03/2017 17:22

Not subhuman Neb no. Not at all!! I was just saying it's one of the things that separates us from other species!!

I just think it's unusual. Not the norm. Not unheard of, but certainly not common.

Original poster

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 17:23

I hope I'm reading your last paragraph the wrong way. You weren't implying I'm somehow subhuman were you?

No,if you can't be bothered with friends then that is up to you, but if somebody wants friends but people aren't interested in being friends with them then it's a whole different kettle of fish isn't it?

OP posts:

Munchkin1412 · 12/03/2017 17:24

I had lots of friends at school, none when I was at uni and made lots when I started work. All my friends now are from work or people I've met through those people. I sometimes feel a bit sad about having no old friends though. I have a best friend I just clicked with on a work night out and we've been best friends ten years now - I never thought I'd have a friend like that again but she's one of the most important people in my life. I wouldn't like to go back to having no friends to be honest - I needed the outlet of people to talk through stuff with and text random crap to! My oh isn't sociable at all so I don't get that from him.

Munchkin1412 · 12/03/2017 17:25

And it's NOTHING to do with niceness!

WhataHexIgotinto · 12/03/2017 17:28

OP, do you understand that how you've come across in this thread isn't particularly pleasant?

Oblomov17 · 12/03/2017 17:30

Some people don't crave friendship. I am also the polar opposite. I don't know why. I crave deep friendships. I have this and this makes me very happy.

I can do chit chat on the school run, talk to anyone at a party or event, but it's the closeness of my closest friends that gives me the greatest pleasure.

They know all my past, all my deepest secrets, all my thoughts. I can tell them anything, without judgement. And I offer them hopefully similar. I know them very well and I am always ready for a cup of tea and a Moan if that's what they want. If they want to tell me a secret they know it goes no further.

Not everyone craves such deep friendships. But if you do, when you find it, it's quite liberating.

nebulae · 12/03/2017 17:31

Oblomov17...thanks..."unusual" or "uncommon" I can live with .

damnedgrubble...yes that is a different kettle of fish.

This thread has made me feel a bit sad actually. That there are so many people out there who would like to have friends but never have, for whatever reason. to all of you.

FisherQueen · 12/03/2017 17:31

Not subhuman Neb no. grinNot at all!! I was just saying it's one of the things that separates us from other species!!

It really isn't; plenty of species form extremely strong social bonds. Social bonding isn't a trait unique to humans at all - it's an evolutionary strategy employed by plenty of animals that live in groups. Google reciprocal altruism to get an idea of the evolutionary path that led to friendships in humans.

Original poster

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 17:32

do you understand that how you've come across in this thread isn't particularly pleasant?

I asked a genuine question and right from the outset I've been insulted, what do you expect?

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 12/03/2017 17:34

I asked a genuine question and right from the outset I've been insulted, what do you expect?

You can't see that the way you asked it may have got people's backs up?

SmileEachDay · 12/03/2017 17:35

Why are you asking?

Bundesliga · 12/03/2017 17:38

OP you've only responded to the negative posts and haven't answered back anything constructive or reflective at all. Do you understand now why some people might have no friends and why it isn't bizarre?

Original poster

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 17:39

Because I am genuinely interested in the reasons why people, despite wanting/needing friends, have never had any. It's unusual, or I'd have thought it was unusual never to have had a single friend.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 12/03/2017 17:39

I think people are being too harsh to the OP, I do find it 'interesting' why some people are seemingly able to make lots of friendships and others claim they 'cannot' make friends.

There are frequent threads on Mumsnet about how difficult people find it to make friends, and quite often, when people make the usual suggestions 'join a club, volunteer, get involved in your community etc etc' some people give endless reasons why they cannot do any of those things as if they expect 'friends' to just arrive on the doorstep.

I appreciate if you enjoy your own company and just don't want to make friends then of course that is fine, but in my experience some (not all) people say that they want to make friends but are just not willing to make any effort.

SmileEachDay · 12/03/2017 17:42

Why is it on your mind, OP?

Have you met someone who has no friends?

It's an unusual thing to post about for no reason.

Thinkingofausername1 · 12/03/2017 17:45

My dh doesn't. It's actually quite draining when you have lots of friends who want to socialise with us at weekends. I think he's always struggled with it and would rather spend time moping about

PerspicaciaTick · 12/03/2017 17:47

I think the tone of your OP was goady from the start.

AIBU To wonder why somebody would go through life with no friends?

I don't mean no friends now, I mean no friends ever? Surely a person must have had at least one friend when they were at school?
I fail to see how this would happen to a person if I'm honest, it's so bizarre.

That is a not kind or gentle enquiry into what makes other people tick.

Oblomov17 · 12/03/2017 17:47

Fisher, I wasn't saying no other animal form does it. Apes and monkeys certainly do. Many others too.
But I still think we have taken to higher levels, as humans than, most other.

Original poster

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 17:51

I think the tone of your OP was goady from the start.

That wasn't my intention.

OP posts:

SmileEachDay · 12/03/2017 17:52

Persp whenever I see you on here I am reminded of that terribly rude poster who couldn't be bothered to get your name right. That was very funny.

Bundesliga · 12/03/2017 17:52

It's clearly a total back pedal to try to soften the misguided original post without actually having the grace to say it wasn't a great original post, Oblomov17

I don't get it, you asked a question, got a lot of replies and rather than having any humility to say sorry or oh, I didn't realise just try to back pedal. Why try to save face on a fucking anonymous Internet forum?

BoysaDearyMe · 12/03/2017 17:52

People really shouldn't judge, as in very many circumstances others don't know what may have happened to make a person perhaps shut down in order to protect themselves.
I can 'put on a public face', go to work etc but don't talk about past events or how I am and to a huge huge extent, keep myself to myself. My reasons for doing so are understandable, but over a decade later I still can't talk about it. Shutters are down.
Traumatic events can do that to a person. Never judge.

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