To think I'm not arrogant at all.

[Notdavidbrent]

I think I'm reasonably physically attractive and good at my job. I come across confident and I've worked very hard in my career and feel I'm good at my job. My appraisals show that.

I think sometimes I can be a bit lazy. I can get too upset by things. I can be very hard on myself if I don't do things well. I find it very hard to be a Mum and don't think I was made to be one. I can't accept and learn to love the area I live in. I can see where I could improve.

I don't think I'm arrogant but I do have a very confident manner. I walk upright and show
confident body language but I think this is largely due to the fact I did ballet for many years and learnt poise from that.

Something I've been aware of for several years is, I get the feeling people find me arrogant.

Some examples:

I find people tell me how 'common' other people are a lot. They joke about someone being uneducated or uncultured and seem to think I will sympathise and agree when in reality I'm secretly horrified!

People often say things like 'I know you wouldn't shop in Aldi but it's great. Imagine not having a degree. Have you seen what she is wearing, she always wears the same three dresses'. It's as if they're expecting me to agree with these awful statements.

My work colleagues joke that I don't ever swear and I'm posh.

My boss always asks me before I hand work over by saying 'go on, tell me how good this piece of work is'.

I hear 'she thinks she can have any man and any job she wants'.

And just last week the new assistant said 'I'm going to try and be less common around you'.

I've overheard people say 'she's pretty but she knows it', 'I doubt she'd ever get a job as a cleaner while waiting for our office to be reloacated' among other pretty nasty things.

I come from a very working class background. I lost all three of my siblings by the time I was 17 and have endured hardships most people can't even imagine.

My mum can't read or write and my dad is a cleaner. I got a scholarship to a private school and so have picked up a posh accent and mannerisms but I'm by no means posh. I have never and would never judge someone on their clothes, social class or wealth. And yet, I get the impression people find me over confident and snobby. These are just a few examples.

I've found this is not the case among other managers who always describe me as down to earth and genuine and I've had excellent references and appraisals that have described how warm and genuine I am.

Yet, it's only managers who seem to see the person I am. I get the feeling people find me a bit of a snobby, arrogant cow.

AIBU to say I'm really not and be surprised people find me arrogant?

If you are well spoken, confident, educated and don't swear then you will stick out in a supposedly "working class" environment. You don't have to be supercilious to be treated as "stuck up" or "loves herself" etc. Be yourself, if people don't like it or can't relate to you that's their problem. A lot of people are very narrow minded and governed by a pack mentality.

I think you work with in a workplace that doesn't suit you. they sound pretty ignorant to me.

Maybe you'd feel better (and maybe people would react better to you) if you said what was on your mind rather than secretly disagreeing. It can make people feel uncomfortable if they know they are saying mean things and the person they are saying it to neither agrees nor disagrees. I want to stress that is their problem . But I think they'd know where they stood and you'd feel better because you'd be asserting yourself.

Being true to yourself is true confidence. And that means speaking out. If they don't like that then sod them

It's not actually a working class environment. You need a masters degree to work in my profession. But we have a lot of assistants and it's hem that seem to take issue with me. So it may be that by them I'm perceived as arrogant but not by those who have achieved the same level of education.

There are some people on here who seem to think that any thinking is 'overthinking' and any self-analysis is "self obsession'

It's an AIBU thang

Blimey, you sure like to talk about yourself op!

OP

If I were you, I'd get this moved over to Relationships, or even Chat

People there don't tend to poke their head round the door to slag people off

I don't think the way people are reacting to you seems to be suggesting they think you are arrogant. I think they respect you.

It sounds as if you have just made the best you could of the life you had and have an aura of success and people look up to you.

I don't think you should feel defensive.

But if someone speaks to you about someone else being common, you don't have to agree, or you could explain you would rather not think in those terms.

It's really easy to show your character though, isn't it? There was someone who wasn't well thought of in a workplace I spent some time in , but who was helpful to me. When I needed some help to fix something, he assisted me in locating the supplies I required. I took back the item, fixed, and my supervisor expressed astonishment that the item was fixed after being out of commission for some time. I said "Oh "Dave" helped me find the bits I needed so I could fix it." A colleague very sarcastically said "I think there was a lot more of your effort than Dave's." I simply replied "Oh well I think you must have walked past at the wrong moment then, because Dave was very kind and helpful, making sure I knew exactly where to find all the bits I needed and how to put them together. I couldn't have done it without his kindness." That did two things. It communicated to my supervisor that Dave was not as useless as some would have her think, and it communicated to the colleague that I wouldn't be joining the 'Down on Dave' gang.

You can change how you are perceived by your colleagues within the week if you want to. Tell them about your background. How you got your school place. Be real.

Most people know I'm from a working class background but I don't even fit as working class. My mother is a very classy lady even though she is uneducated and she's taught me how to behave in society. My dad has a working class job but his parents were both oxford university lecturers. My parents were very religious so we grew up around professionals mainly who were members of the parish and although I grew up in quite a rough area my parents owned their own home and lived in an alright area. Our house was small though.

I have to say I question whether this gives you a working-class background. Not that it should matter, but if we're going to talk about great hardships and overcoming all the odds, etc.

I think it's down to whether you think "you" have made yourself successsful or if you've been lucky. You are very lucky to have been born attractive - you have better life chances than if your were born ugly. You are incredibly lucky to have been born in a country with so much opportunity. You probably have a high IQ. Nature more than nurture. Many many people aren't born with such gifts.

That's great that you consider your mum very classy despite not being able to read or write. I think of that level of illiteracy as being quite unusual now.

his parents were both oxford university lecturers
Even if they were born working class, they were no longer so at that stage, in my opinion.

Is your name Samantha Brick?

Am also interested in what the Oxford university lecturers thought of their son marrying someone who wasn't able to read and write. Apologies for picking up on that again-I am genuinely interested.

Hmmm, seems strange that the son of university lecturers wouldn't teach his wife to read and write.....

Not really ifnotnowthen

Maybe she never wanted to learn or does have basic literacy but didn't want to learner.
Maybe her husband was a school drop out.

Learn further

Redlocks28

Am also interested in what the Oxford university lecturers thought of their son marrying someone who wasn't able to read and write. Apologies for picking up on that again-I am genuinely interested.

I find that bit baffling.

My Dad was always the black sheep of the family. He left school early himself and did try a few different careers but never settled anywhere. He's religious and met my Mum at a church event.

His parents loved my Mum because they're not complete snobs who judge people on their education.

My Mum is a very classy and intelligent woman. She was also very religious which they liked.

My Dad may have come from a professional background but he himself never wanted anything to do with acadmia. He always wanted a job he considers to be humble and he isn't materialistic in the slightest.

We had very little growing up and we're poor.
He also refused any money from his parents.

lougle's advice sounds pretty good to me, but perhaps there are reasons why OP can't do this?

Also, NotYoda's advice - however, it can be preety hard to find the bottle to actually challenge (CAB technical term), even if it is part of your job. (I know this from experience with the CAB, who were (and I imagine still are) quite hot on that sort of thing.) I imagine it might also have all sorts of unintended consequences for OP, as well.

TheSilvery

I suppose what I mean is not challenge, but just disagree. I have got better at being assertive as I've got older, Just don't care as much.

Someone says: "Have you seen what she's wearing, she always wears the same 3 dresses" (example in OP)

You could reply

I like what she wears/her dresses
Maybe she's not that interested in clothes
Maybe she doesn't like spending too much on clothes
What people wear isn't important to me
I hadn't noticed
I think you are being unkind

Depending on how challenging you want to be.

The OP's position doesn't excite any particular emotion on me I think it's a genuine question from a confident, yet introspective woman in a society where female confidence is seen as suspect but the replies are incredibly revealing of (presumably most female) attitudes to female confidence. Basically, the message seems to be 'Self-deprecate to be liked!'

And it's not at all difficult to be seen as arrogant. I moved to a village where I knew no one while on maternity leave. My first contacts were with two local baby groups, by text message to the organisers I arrived just before Christmas, a standard exhausted new parent, and was checking whether things were on. Before I had even met a single person face to face at these gatherings, I had a reputation for being 'clever' and 'a bit up yourself, maybe' apparently because I used capital letters and full stops and no text speak in three texts messages.

And my little sister got ea reputation for 'thinking she's better than everyone else' because she read a book on her lunch break. Depressingly, this was in a university admin job.

It doesn't necessarily suggest anything at all about the OP.

Knife

I agree

Raise it in your next appraisal...that you think different people find you arrogant and if that'd hoe you come across what can you do to change that.