To think I'm not arrogant at all.

[Notdavidbrent]

I think I'm reasonably physically attractive and good at my job. I come across confident and I've worked very hard in my career and feel I'm good at my job. My appraisals show that.

I think sometimes I can be a bit lazy. I can get too upset by things. I can be very hard on myself if I don't do things well. I find it very hard to be a Mum and don't think I was made to be one. I can't accept and learn to love the area I live in. I can see where I could improve.

I don't think I'm arrogant but I do have a very confident manner. I walk upright and show
confident body language but I think this is largely due to the fact I did ballet for many years and learnt poise from that.

Something I've been aware of for several years is, I get the feeling people find me arrogant.

Some examples:

I find people tell me how 'common' other people are a lot. They joke about someone being uneducated or uncultured and seem to think I will sympathise and agree when in reality I'm secretly horrified!

People often say things like 'I know you wouldn't shop in Aldi but it's great. Imagine not having a degree. Have you seen what she is wearing, she always wears the same three dresses'. It's as if they're expecting me to agree with these awful statements.

My work colleagues joke that I don't ever swear and I'm posh.

My boss always asks me before I hand work over by saying 'go on, tell me how good this piece of work is'.

I hear 'she thinks she can have any man and any job she wants'.

And just last week the new assistant said 'I'm going to try and be less common around you'.

I've overheard people say 'she's pretty but she knows it', 'I doubt she'd ever get a job as a cleaner while waiting for our office to be reloacated' among other pretty nasty things.

I come from a very working class background. I lost all three of my siblings by the time I was 17 and have endured hardships most people can't even imagine.

My mum can't read or write and my dad is a cleaner. I got a scholarship to a private school and so have picked up a posh accent and mannerisms but I'm by no means posh. I have never and would never judge someone on their clothes, social class or wealth. And yet, I get the impression people find me over confident and snobby. These are just a few examples.

I've found this is not the case among other managers who always describe me as down to earth and genuine and I've had excellent references and appraisals that have described how warm and genuine I am.

Yet, it's only managers who seem to see the person I am. I get the feeling people find me a bit of a snobby, arrogant cow.

AIBU to say I'm really not and be surprised people find me arrogant?

I don't think people think I'm arrogant, but I know that some people have thought I was "snooty" in the past. It turned out it was because didn't join in with gossip and didn't swear.

I think it's more about the person who is judging you than you yourself. They're worried about what you think of them.

Next time - don't think stay quiet. Make sure your colleagues get the point that you disagree with their twatish comments.

This. You don't have to be confrontational about it. Just say, "that's a rather unkind thing to say about someone. Wouldn't the world be dull if we all liked the same things" and if people say things implying they think you're boastful or arrogant, just make it clear you think they're being a bit silly to see you that way.

I find your whole scenario a bit odd, tbh. I have no idea where you live, but I've never lived or worked anywhere where somebody with an RP accent and a straight back and a bit of confidence was so singularly unique that it would draw any attention let alone be a major talking point.

There's nothing wrong with being confident and assertive but I think you are perhaps a perfectionist who over analyses every aspect of your life very critically. Don't treat everything in life as a competition.

My advice would be to show your vulnerable side sometimes, that's not a weakness. It makes you more human to others. People will also warm to you if you show genuine interest in their lives.

Perhaps you have built up a confident, capable persona that is not quite the true you?

round Clearly in this case, "arrogant" = a refusal to join in with petty, judgemental behaviour that should be beneath everyone, but isn't.

Ooh, interesting.

I've been perceived as arrogant before. I was painfully shy growing up, so learnt to fake confidence. Also if I was quiet on social occasions = arrogant, apparently. Impossible to get it "right". Also having RP accent, not being a bitch (but people make stuff up because they expect you to be bitchy...) etc etc. In reality I've struggled with depression and some awful life circumstances since I was young, it's horrible how judgemental people are. But smiling a bit and not acting totally crushed is wrong, aparently.

It is ironic, however, that you have gone to some length to describe your own "lack of superiority" by describing the inferior behaviour of those around you.

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.

Comtesse I have no idea where you live, but I've never lived or worked anywhere where somebody with an RP accent and a straight back and a bit of confidence was so singularly unique that it would draw any attention let alone be a major talking point.

Doesn't have to be unique. People are quite happy to write of large chunks of the population in this way.

I have no idea where you live, but I've never lived or worked anywhere where somebody with an RP accent and a straight back and a bit of confidence was so singularly unique that it would draw any attention let alone be a major talking point.

Yes, I agree entirely with this. I've not seen it either.

The overwhelming sense I get from this post is that as genuine and working class and friendly as you feel within yourself, you don't GIVE anything of yourself to anyone.

It's very noble not to indulge in "petty gossip" or swear or talk about sex, but letting your cover slip is human nature, and allows other humans to empathise with you! Nobody is perfect. I worked with a born again Christian who hated swearing and gossip, and although he was a lovely bloke who doted on his family and did a lot of work for charity, the whole team felt awkward around him because they felt he was looking down his nose at them.

It looks as though people maintain a distance and believe you to be arrogant, because they are unable to identify with you on any level. They try but you won't engage. You are very introspective, and this could come across as self-absorbed or arrogant. I'm not suggesting that you start behaving outrageously, but are you able to share something in common with other less noble people like us?! When people share information about themselves to you, are you a good listener? Do you ever divulge anything about your home life...a domestic disaster, difficult parents, errant children? Can you laugh at yourself?

Senior managers think highly of you because you are a grafter and perfectionist and you make them look good. What's not to like in a work capacity!

I doubt you are arrogant but you have a mask. Normal people who arent your manager just want to warm to you. Give them something to be warmed by.

Bundesliga It is ironic, however, that you have gone to some length to describe your own "lack of superiority" by describing the inferior behaviour of those around you.

It's ironic that you are behaving in the way OP describes!

Their behaviour is "inferior" because it is petty and puts others down. Whereas they are accusing the OP of being arrogant, simply for not being a bitch to others/being confident. There's nothing wrong with the OP disliking their unpleasant behaviour, there is everything wrong with them disliking her as she isn't actually doing anything wrong!

Yes, but I'm not the one worried about being called arrogant, am I?

You sound rather self-obsessed.

I suspect that comes across to your colleagues too.

No offence meant, but this is AIBU.

Now I'm off to plant some sweet peas.

Samantha Brick???

PanGalaticGargleBlaster
😂 😂 😂

I agree with BillDaveysdaughter some great points there.

If you are fretting about how others perceive you, striving to be the best in your workplace, as a parent and needing confirmation from others that you are likeable, then perhaps you are not the self assured, confident person you like to portray.

It's quite normal to have insecurities, just try to be honest and be yourself.

It looks as though people maintain a distance and believe you to be arrogant, because they are unable to identify with you on any level. They try but you won't engage. You are very introspective, and this could come across as self-absorbed or arrogant

Yes, I thought this as well.
OP There's something about your writing style that gives me the impression you think you're superior to everyone around you.
Maybe your work colleagues are picking up on that slight 'air of superiority' as well?

You sound very intense and that will put people off. Try loosening up a bit.

What's with the 'I'm not posh, my DF/DM was a cleaner' remarks? To illustrate that having a parent who cleaned for a living means you endured hardship /lacked opportunities?! You CAN work in a low paid job and still be reasonably intelligent/interesting,you know! What utter snobbery.

Women always get shut for being good enough, or not being good enough. Being female seems to be enough to get you targeted in certain situations.
Maybe you could try showing more of yourself, do when you hear a horrible judgemental comment, you could let the person know you don't agree.
People are threatened by confidence( when they are not attracted to it), so maybe if you showed a few Chink's in your armour things may improve.
But ime people who can see what and who you really are will naturally gravitate towards you.

Samantha Brick???

Good old Samantha I'm Too Beautiful Brick.
I wonder what became of her? You never hear of her any more.

Maybe she's no longer beautiful so doesn't have to worry any more

I would say I am confident. I'm genuine in that I know I'm not perfect. I certainly can accept when I'm not good at something and that I have faults. Im also aware of what I am good at and I think it's good to have a balance of both.

It seems people around me think I think I'm perfect and without flaws. And that just isn't true.

I'm quite talkative. I discuss my faults and admit my mistakes. I've been described as warm and friendly so I don't have a cold front at all. I will happily talk about myself. I just don't talk badly about other people. I don't feel the need to put others down and get no enjoyment from doing so.

I don't think people think I'm cold in manner, just think I'm better than others and that I'm perfect.

I have good friends so some people do like me.

In reality I don't care if people don't like me. It certainly doesn't keep me up at night, but if it's genuinely something about me that people find arrogant, it's good to look at why. It doesn't mean you're overly bothered by it, it's just good to self reflect.

And writing one post about yourself online definitely doesn't constitute self obsessed.

your work colleagues sound horrendous.
I don't think you'll ever win, so don't even try.
You don't lower yourself to their bitchy, gossipy behaviour so they think you see yourself as superior
They might not know the real you and your background but they don't deserve to
I hate this kind of work atmosphere and glad I work from home now!

It doesn't matter what your work colleagues think of you.
I always think to myself "they don't have to like me, they just have to fear me respect me"
Just stamp out any disrespect, either to you or others (and yeah people bitching about others clothes should be stamped on pronto).

You don't really sound like you believe who you are today. Perhaps you feel that your outward self is one big confidence trick? Just genuinely stop caring and be who you are as long as you're not hurting anyone.

Looking at your last post, there's not really an issue is there? You don't care if people don't like you, you're not unhappy and don't want to change.
Just carry on as you are. Of course not everyone will like you, that's life.

It doesn't matter if you are 'arrogant' or not. From an early family hardship, you have achieved a lot in your life...some might say it was against the odds. You have no doubt worked hard to achieve what you have, but you don't fit in with the 'clicky' office culture. Why would you want to? I came from a loving but very poor family, terrible State school education, had to work from 12 in various jobs...but recovered to get a doctorate and Oxbridge education. Now running my own business that I love, and very comfortable standard of living...in the area where I live there are many entry-level workers who gossip about me and others in a deeply hateful way, and many people are hostile and not friendly at all. My roots have defended me from the emotional impact of this, but I have been told I am not liked as a I am 'aloof'...or arrogant or 'pretty' (which is ridiculous). I don't want to sit in the local pub inventing gossip about strangers and being their mate, and don't want to fit in with these people as they are alien to me. My point to you is to reframe how you feel about these people. It doesn't matter what they think of you does it? That is not arrogance, that is the irrelevance of them to your life beyond the workplace. Why try to fit in with them when you are different from them. Be proud of who you are, and avoid catty gossips recognising them for the malicious half-wits they really are.

OP:
Why not tell people about your impoverished background? You should set the record straight so that your colleagues know you are not what you seem. They are bound to like you better if you are actually honest.