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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not arrogant at all.

128 replies

Notdavidbrent · 12/03/2017 13:14

I think I'm reasonably physically attractive and good at my job. I come across confident and I've worked very hard in my career and feel I'm good at my job. My appraisals show that.

I think sometimes I can be a bit lazy. I can get too upset by things. I can be very hard on myself if I don't do things well. I find it very hard to be a Mum and don't think I was made to be one. I can't accept and learn to love the area I live in. I can see where I could improve.

I don't think I'm arrogant but I do have a very confident manner. I walk upright and show
confident body language but I think this is largely due to the fact I did ballet for many years and learnt poise from that.

Something I've been aware of for several years is, I get the feeling people find me arrogant.

Some examples:

I find people tell me how 'common' other people are a lot. They joke about someone being uneducated or uncultured and seem to think I will sympathise and agree when in reality I'm secretly horrified!

People often say things like 'I know you wouldn't shop in Aldi but it's great. Imagine not having a degree. Have you seen what she is wearing, she always wears the same three dresses'. It's as if they're expecting me to agree with these awful statements.

My work colleagues joke that I don't ever swear and I'm posh.

My boss always asks me before I hand work over by saying 'go on, tell me how good this piece of work is'.

I hear 'she thinks she can have any man and any job she wants'.

And just last week the new assistant said 'I'm going to try and be less common around you'.

I've overheard people say 'she's pretty but she knows it', 'I doubt she'd ever get a job as a cleaner while waiting for our office to be reloacated' among other pretty nasty things.

I come from a very working class background. I lost all three of my siblings by the time I was 17 and have endured hardships most people can't even imagine.

My mum can't read or write and my dad is a cleaner. I got a scholarship to a private school and so have picked up a posh accent and mannerisms but I'm by no means posh. I have never and would never judge someone on their clothes, social class or wealth. And yet, I get the impression people find me over confident and snobby. These are just a few examples.

I've found this is not the case among other managers who always describe me as down to earth and genuine and I've had excellent references and appraisals that have described how warm and genuine I am.

Yet, it's only managers who seem to see the person I am. I get the feeling people find me a bit of a snobby, arrogant cow.

AIBU to say I'm really not and be surprised people find me arrogant?

OP posts:
IllBeBackmaybe · 12/03/2017 13:34

I think the next time somebody makes a nasty remark to you about another person, you should voice disagreement if you disagree.

Original poster
Notdavidbrent · 12/03/2017 13:35

I agree, if I was a man i doubt I would get these comments.

Sometimes I wonder if it's something subconscious that I do. That I don't even know about.

it's something I'm often conscious about. I don't want to chance me, but wonder if confidence is always a good thing.

Among senior managers I have a good reputation.

OP posts:
DontTouchTheMoustache · 12/03/2017 13:35

I am a bit like you in the sense I come from a very working class background (council estate up north) but went to uni in a different city and have been working here for nearly a decade. I work in an office and try to come across very professional but I think sometimes this comes across as a bit 'posh' as I've had people comment in the past they thought I was posh until they got to know me better. I also find that although I feign confidence at work I'm actually painful shy and guarded so it could seem to others that I'm stuck up when they first meet me.
All you can do is work a bit harder to get to know people on a personal level.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2017 13:35

AIBU to say I'm really not and be surprised people find me arrogant?

I have absolutely no idea whether you're being unreasonable or not, because I don't know you.

How can anyone here tell you why people might find you arrogant?

Viviennemary · 12/03/2017 13:36

Not sure what you want people to say. But you do sound a bit self-obsessed. Seems like you are having trouble 'fitting in'. Maybe because you sound posh and snobby but come from a poor background. (Your own description.)

hoopdeloop · 12/03/2017 13:38

I think when people make comments that you are horrified by- that's your opportunity to give your true thoughts. It's not talking about someone or gossiping, it's perhaps correcting the others behaviour IYSWIM.

Like when they comment on the same 3 dresses, you could say 'I think those dresses really suit her' or something like that. If you change the flow from negative to positive, it might stop that type of chatter.

It sounds a bit like they seek your approval and that's why they wait for your response.

Original poster
Notdavidbrent · 12/03/2017 13:38

I'm not shy. I'm assertive, extroverted and chatty. But I don't gossip about people. I chat about general things. I'm very careful not to engage in any gossip.

I tend to challenge any bad behaviour and deal with things assertively. I just don't comment on people clothes, money or respond to gossip.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/03/2017 13:38

Is there anything else you'd like to say about you ? Smile

Original poster
Notdavidbrent · 12/03/2017 13:39

Yes I should probably make it clear I don't agree with the comments they're making based on people appearance. I just stay quiet with things like that.

OP posts:
BeaveredBadgered · 12/03/2017 13:39

I couldn't tell you if you seem arrogant or not but I'm wondering why people make certain assumptions about you (wouldn't shop in Aldi etc). Maybe you come across a little precious? If you're kind, honest and non judgemental of others you're probably fine imo.

You do seem to have a hang up about this as it's a little indulgent so maybe think about why this is.

pigeondujour · 12/03/2017 13:40

"And you're probably not that attractive."

Hmm
Original poster
Notdavidbrent · 12/03/2017 13:40

Sometimes I wonder if you don't gossip, swear and talk about sex you're uptight and snobby 😂

OP posts:
Obsidian77 · 12/03/2017 13:41

I agree that people who don't know you well may find it hard to distiguish aloofness and reserve.
I don't think you are doing youself any favours by letting wanky snobbish comments go unchallenged. If you're in a leadership position at work you should be trying to build a workplace where diverse backgrounds are respected. Your intellect and physical appearance are irrelevant.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2017 13:41

I tend to challenge any bad behaviour and deal with things assertively.

Yes I should probably make it clear I don't agree with the comments they're making based on people appearance. I just stay quiet with things like that.

How can both of those statements be true? Confused

Surely it's a manager's job to stamp out this sort of thing at work?

Original poster
Notdavidbrent · 12/03/2017 13:41

It may seem I'm being self obsessed but when you've had comments like this for years it's a good thanks to analyse yourself and work it why. This is the only thread online I've ever written directly about myself, so I don't think that makes me self obsessed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notdavidbrent · 12/03/2017 13:42

I challenge genuinely bad behaviour. I just don't respond to petty chit chat.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/03/2017 13:43

I'm not sure the person who only owns 3 dresses, would see being gossiped about as chit chat.

I would expect a manager to put a stop to that sort of thing, rather than just stay quiet.

WannaBe · 12/03/2017 13:43

I would say that actually, you are outwardly confident but internally you lack confidence. I would also say that you're afraid to come across as too confident because there is actually a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and someone who doesn't want to be seen to be arrogant is often also afraid to be too confident lest that makes them arrogant in the eyes of others.

But I think that snippy comments about what someone wears/how they talk/whether they feel they can have any man they want says a lot more about the commenter than the individual being commented on.

They're not like you, and therefore they find it difficult to identify with someone who is. Iyswim.

But you need to start at the point where you are comfortable with the person you are. Once you have established that, you can then dismiss the comments of other people, because they will be irrelevant to your life. Do you need to have their approval? No? Then don't seek it.

Wolpertinger · 12/03/2017 13:43

I also went to private school but don't come from a posh background (DM was a cleaner).

I can sound and act v posh and most people assume that I am posh and from a well off background when actually this is far from the truth.

It can leave you a bit insecure as you don't really fit with one group but you have also moved from the original group. I am conscious that I mirror people's accents very quickly for example and I'll get feedback that people are surprised I can be down to earth, presumably because of my accent/manner/assumptions about what my beliefs or politics will be rather than what I am really like.

It took a long time for me to feel comfortable with just being me and find. I get where you are coming from.

However your workplace sounds horribly bitchy - I suspect you might get less of this if when people were bitching to you, you challenged back and said you didn't agree. I wouldn't be 'secretly horrified' if someone told me another staff member was common - I'd be openly horrified!

hoopdeloop · 12/03/2017 13:44

Maybe you need to challenge the petty chit chat. As long as you are saying something kind, it's not bitching about someone behind their back, it's sticking up for them when they don't have a chance to themselves

MarasmeAbsolu · 12/03/2017 13:45

Next time - don't think stay quiet. Make sure your colleagues get the point that you disagree with their twatish comments.

A quick "I don't think see the problem with someone wearing 3 dresses - what is the issue?" Should suffice.

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 13:55

You sound alright to me OP. Smile

Wolpertinger · 12/03/2017 13:55

I think you are right about the not swearing, gossiping and talking about sex being seen as uptight and snobby in some workplaces.

If your workplace is a get drunk, talk about your sex life kind of place and you are more a quiet night in reading a book person, I find some people will see you as uptight and judgemental when really you are just interested in different things.

ToastVacuum · 12/03/2017 13:57

YANBU. It must be annoying to have people making false assumptions about you. Could you make a point of answering each comment? Stay friendly but be firm. "Actually my Dad's a cleaner so I don't know why you said that?" When people say to you that other people are "common" or "only" (!) wear 3 dresses, smile and say "I've never thought that. X has a great sense of humour" or "Yes I like the dresses she choose, my favourite is the blue one". This will send a message that you are a) a nice person and b) not snobbish or bitchy.

roundaboutthetown · 12/03/2017 13:57

Clearly in this case, "arrogant" = a refusal to join in with petty, judgemental behaviour that should be beneath everyone, but isn't. In other words, the arrogance perceived is in your refusal to lower yourself to their level, thereby indicating that their behaviour is beneath your contempt. To show you do not think they are beneath you, you have to be as nasty as they are, otherwise you are arrogant and looking down on them...