To think I'm not arrogant at all.

[Notdavidbrent]

I think I'm reasonably physically attractive and good at my job. I come across confident and I've worked very hard in my career and feel I'm good at my job. My appraisals show that.

I think sometimes I can be a bit lazy. I can get too upset by things. I can be very hard on myself if I don't do things well. I find it very hard to be a Mum and don't think I was made to be one. I can't accept and learn to love the area I live in. I can see where I could improve.

I don't think I'm arrogant but I do have a very confident manner. I walk upright and show
confident body language but I think this is largely due to the fact I did ballet for many years and learnt poise from that.

Something I've been aware of for several years is, I get the feeling people find me arrogant.

Some examples:

I find people tell me how 'common' other people are a lot. They joke about someone being uneducated or uncultured and seem to think I will sympathise and agree when in reality I'm secretly horrified!

People often say things like 'I know you wouldn't shop in Aldi but it's great. Imagine not having a degree. Have you seen what she is wearing, she always wears the same three dresses'. It's as if they're expecting me to agree with these awful statements.

My work colleagues joke that I don't ever swear and I'm posh.

My boss always asks me before I hand work over by saying 'go on, tell me how good this piece of work is'.

I hear 'she thinks she can have any man and any job she wants'.

And just last week the new assistant said 'I'm going to try and be less common around you'.

I've overheard people say 'she's pretty but she knows it', 'I doubt she'd ever get a job as a cleaner while waiting for our office to be reloacated' among other pretty nasty things.

I come from a very working class background. I lost all three of my siblings by the time I was 17 and have endured hardships most people can't even imagine.

My mum can't read or write and my dad is a cleaner. I got a scholarship to a private school and so have picked up a posh accent and mannerisms but I'm by no means posh. I have never and would never judge someone on their clothes, social class or wealth. And yet, I get the impression people find me over confident and snobby. These are just a few examples.

I've found this is not the case among other managers who always describe me as down to earth and genuine and I've had excellent references and appraisals that have described how warm and genuine I am.

Yet, it's only managers who seem to see the person I am. I get the feeling people find me a bit of a snobby, arrogant cow.

AIBU to say I'm really not and be surprised people find me arrogant?

Dear OP I would say that people find it hard to place you: to decide whether you are POSH or if you are working class. This causes some of the comments.
I would also suggest that you have had to be a strong person and to present a positive front even when you don't feel positive. This positive front may be mistaken for arrogance. Probably, underneath you are not as sure of yourself as you seem which means you are vulnerable to negative comments.
Perhaps you have not yet fully found out who you are. You will do. Just hold onto your friends, do well in your job, be reflective but do not listen to nastiness and it will come good.

The OP's contributions sound like the polar opposite of stealth boasting, in fact.

This is ridiculous. Why don't you post a picture of yourself, so we can see the reason other people think you are 'perfect'?

If you don't disagree when your colleagues say derogatory things about people then you are agreeing with them.
You must and should say that's an awful thing to say/I hate that sort of talk/Don't say things like that it's horrible , or something similar.
I would and do all the time. I hate that kind of talk.

Another assisted place person over here.

People in UK

• don't like intellectuals and suspect clever people
• the class system is complex
• success is often seen as suspect especially for women
• people will make snap judgements about you based on your accent and dresses.
• people whose backgrounds may have been much more comfortable than yours as children may think you are looking down on them because they pick up that you are intelligent or educated or have professional qualifications or experience they lack.

Negotiating all of that is very difficult and I don't have any answers really.

A top piece of advice that I've found useful in many situations: most people think about you a lot less than you might think they do.
People really don't give that much of a shit about you, OP. They're just trying to get through their life in the same way we all are.

I would say you have clearly had some very sad times in yr life...I'm sorry for the loss of yr siblings..yr poor parents loosing 3 children..how did they cope.i hope they had help and counselling,with yr private education background I bet you would be able to help yr mum read and better her life..because that's what life is all about ,helping each other

I'm surprised at some of the responses here. I think you're asking a genuine question following some real reflection. I too would ponder on whether your accent is a factor, your attractiveness, your poise. If you're achieving at work perhaps you're too perfect and the way people cope with that is to pull you down. I guess my main question is how are your other relationships outside work/ acquaintances. How would you prefer your relationships at work to be? How could you start doing small experiments with the nicest colleagues to test out them getting to know you a bit more.

May be jealousy of others you don't sound arrogant IMO just honest

I just want to know how your parents paid for years of ballet lessons!

I sometimes think some people who don't know me well think I'm rather "posh" because of my tertiary qualications etc and because I never swear and prefer to speak grammatically etc. However, impressions based on so little are not generally long lived once people get to know me. To those I regard as colleagues and friends I disclose personal info ( does not need to be anything sensitive) to give them information on which to base a more accurate assessment as to who I am and where I'm coming from.
OP I get the impression you are a likeable person with principles but that you remain a little aloof -- maybe you need to drop the odd anecdote or whatever into conversations? You do not need to challenge remarks about other's lack of breeding, taste or education but merely say something along the lines that not everybody has had the same advantages in life or that that person is a hard worker doing the best she can for her family etc etc. That will take the wind out of their sails and you will find they should modify their remarks.
Good luck

Not sure what you want us to say as we don't know you personally but from what I read, here's what I think.

• don't change who you are

• those with "comments" are just jealous

• be proud of how far you've come.

nakedscientist you say that people find it hard to place OP.

I've had EXACTLY that since secondary school!

Poor background (we only had income from benefits, secondhand clothes etc). I wasn't particularly academic but did alright so I was the slightly odd girl that had horrible clothes and wasn't in any group of girls, I was obviously poor and different. But I also wasn't one of the posh girls whose mums and dads clearly were very much middle class either.

So no one really knew who I was. They couldn't cope with someone coming from a very poor background who wasn't (for want of a better word) 'common' - I can't really explain it.

I have NO issue with anyone whether they live in a council house on benefits or if they are a single mum (so am I after a divorce and one further failed relationship!!) - but I'm looked upon differently by other mums and by people who can't seem to see where I fit in as a 'type' of person.

I was in Asda once months ago with the kids and shouted something across to one of them and this young man turned round and said "Wow don't you talk posh!" I was like, er, no?! I really really do not have a posh accent - I kind of have a non-accent really as I've lived in different parts of the UK and overseas although I agree I don't have a thick local accent that would be normal round here. But I have no posh accent at all.

I think some of us are stranded between two worlds.

I always found it interesting on Dragon's Den, they didn't like that Hilary Devey did they, the rest of the Dragons. I think she fell into this category. I don't think they felt she was worthy in comparison to them (as opposed to thinking she was arrogant). I don't thin she met their image of what a Dragon 'should' look like even though she'd achieved the same as they had.

I think some of us fall into odd pockets which others find it difficult to understand. I'm not sure we could identify exactly what it is or what we could change - I'm super friendly, I'd do anything for anyone, and yet I can't easily make friends which can be very lonely.

Sounds like you are angling for a promotion at work.

Your portray yourself as being above your colleagues.
But you act down to earth with your managers.

Hmmm.

Not read all the replies, but I wonder if this is more about you than 'everyone else'?
You're doing well in your life, despite a rough start. Are you surprised about that? Do you feel unworthy of it yourself? Do you feel a little bit like a fraud?
By being gracious, other people may think they don't know the real you. You can share opinions by saying things like "it's fantastic that she's found a dress style to suit her" or "but she always makes the dress look a bit different, don't you think?"

Another assisted place person here. Helped give me the RP and attitude I have today. Combine that with the fact that I like super smart clothes/jewellery and I get similar comments about being posh/pretty/whatever. I think it is basically just a case of accent + clothes + confidence/lack of self-deprecation = misperception.

Men get called arrogant/self-confident all the time and it's seen as a virtue. I have close friends with whom I can be myself, a great support network generally in terms of family and partner. My colleagues are great but if they think I am posh or arrogant, so be it.

You do seem bothered though and I completely agree with those who say that the odd personal anecdote/joke doesn't go amiss if that is what you want to do. Though I think the temptation can be to become too self-deprecating (I have certainly done this in the distant past and then disliked myself for it) if telling jokes about yourself to seem more human.

Thanks everyone. The replies are really appreciative.

I do think I'm hard to place. I'm a single mum living in a very working class area (not rough but not glamorous).

I don't have that much money. I earn around 35k a year. So I'm neither rich nor poor.

Most people know I'm from a working class background but I don't even fit as working class. My mother is a very classy lady even though she is uneducated and she's taught me how to behave in society. My dad has a working class job but his parents were both oxford university lecturers. My parents were very religious so we grew up around professionals mainly who were members of the parish and although I grew up in quite a rough area my parents owned their own home and lived in an alright area. Our house was small though.

I now live in a council house that I have bought but for years I was a single mum on benefits and had nothing.

I'm a professional now. I have a 'good' job. I'm proud of what I've achieved in life professionally but in other ways I'm sure I could have done better. I'm still working on that. I definitely don't feel I have it all and I'm perfect.

The replies have definitely been useful and I shall use them for self reflection. :-)

Starting a thread all about how wonderful you are seems a bit arrogant to me.

OP- I hear you. I've had this for years. I used to get upset when other women (so much for the sisterhood) used to treat me in a very similar way to what you describe. However, I have come to realise the issue is all theirs. I'm not going to apologise for being confident in myself. I did find myself working in a predominantly male environment which suited me much better. My advice , feck them all, I like you just from your post.

ponders OP's username...

TheSilveryPussycat
OMG we've been had 😂 😂

Do you dance a good disco dance, OP?

I think you perhaps come across as aloof and people don't know how to relate to you that's all. People who behave politely and perfectly all the time can actually be a little annoying tbh - it's not fair but that's life. So what if you are the miss goody-two-shoes, school prefect and head girl all wrapped into one, don't worry about it. As long as you're competent at your job, who cares what your colleagues think, just be comfortable being who you are.