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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just tell them no friends can come now?!!

138 replies

Floofborksnootandboop · 12/03/2017 12:00

In October we stared booking a holiday for the summer this year. we said all of DCs could bring a friend, DSs decided to invite their girlfriends, DD1 didn't want to bring a friend as she just enjoys spending time as a family and DD2 had invited a friend.

At the time there was a few problems with DS2s girlfriend coming, she didn't know if she would be able to afford it or whether her parents would let her come as they kept changing their mind at the time. DD2 was also very unclear on whether her friend would be coming and I never got any replies from her mum when I texted. We went ahead and just booked without them but let them know we could add to the booking if they did decide they were coming but it would add £50 pp on.

Last Friday DDs friend slept over and they talked about the holiday and told me she really wants to come but she would struggle to be able to pay for it all at once. She's been a friend of DDs for years and I know her mum very well so DH said that we would pay the full amount now and they can pay us back as much as they can over a few months.

DS2 then starts kicking off because his girlfriend can't come it isn't fair. I am happy to have the same arrangement with her and have explained that but for some reason that isn't good enough for them and I guess they expect me to just pay for it! They've now decided if she can't come DS1s girlfriend shouldn't be allowed to come, she has already paid though and there have been no issues with that so I'm not willing to tell her she is uninvited.

Now DS won't speak to me and has been at his girlfriends all week, any time he does text me it's to have a go about favouring other DCs over him.

I just want to say to him fuck off, we are doing something nice and he's ruined it and now no one can have any friends to come!

OP posts:
Original poster
Floofborksnootandboop · 12/03/2017 12:59

Does you ds have form for playing the you're so unfair and you're playing favourites card? oh don't you know it Confused Everything I don't agree with he throws that one at me! As much as love his girlfriend, from what I can tell she's a bit of a princess at home and he's picking up on some of that and trying to bring it into our home aswell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Floofborksnootandboop · 12/03/2017 13:03

Thanks for all the advice I've sent him this text just now;
DS, I am not going to put up with this tantrum anymore. I thought you was 18, not 8? If you want to hide out at (GFs name) all week then you can hide out there whilst we all enjoy our holiday. I don't see how you think everyone paying for themselves but (GFs name) is fair. Please, if you could shed some light on your logic I may understand! I don't mind how (GFs name) pays, whether it be herself, her parents, you, or anyone else that is paying, I have told you and her multiple times that I am even happy to pay for her now and she pays me back every month. I am however not going to pay over £500 for her and not even get a penny back. If you want to start talking about fair and playing favourites maybe you could come home today and we will talk about your massive contribution of fuck all to this house compared to your 16 year old sisters contribution. When you and (GFs name) are willing to stop acting like spoilt children I will be ready to talk to you about how we are going to make it possible for her to come on this holiday, until then though I don't want to hear another word about how unfair and mean I am being. I am doing a roast for dinner today, will you be home or not?

Was I too mean? Confused Now I read it back I think it come across a lot different to what I wanted it too... I just wanted to get across my point whilst seeming like I am calm and willing to talk about it, but it sounds more angry and snappy.

OP posts:
A1Sharon · 12/03/2017 13:05

That text is perfect!

RebelRogue · 12/03/2017 13:05

I think it's awesome! But as I previously said I'm not the best judge. Grin

HecateAntaia · 12/03/2017 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lasagna · 12/03/2017 13:09

That sounds a lot nicer that what I would've been Grin it gets your point across really well though.

If he doesn't want the roast I'll have it!

MatildaTheCat · 12/03/2017 13:09

This is making my head ache so I cannot imagine how you feel. Tbh I think asking so many people to join you was always a bit of a recipe for disaster. What if, for example, one of your sons dumps his gf before the holiday? Who refunds the money?

We took friends one year for one week of a two week holiday and only expected them to book their flights. The rest we covered. You have got into a very complicated situation and ds is spoiling it before you even go. Fingers crossed for a resolution and a calm holiday but I can't help feeling there are plenty of chances for major fall outs.

HecateAntaia · 12/03/2017 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topsytoo · 12/03/2017 13:11

If you want to start talking about fair and playing favourites maybe you could come home today and we will talk about your massive contribution of fuck all to this house compared to your 16 year old sisters contribution.

Not the point of the thread but how exactly is that your DSs fault? Maybe you need to look at yourself and work out why your children think you are unfair and play favourites with them.

Cherrysoup · 12/03/2017 13:12

Pretty bang on, I think. Good job.

RebelRogue · 12/03/2017 13:13

work out why your children think you are unfair and play favourites with them.

One! One child think that,and funnily enough it's also the same child that thinks his GF is the only one that should get a free holiday.

jacks11 · 12/03/2017 13:15

No, I think text was ok- some tough talking is needed. He's behaving outrageously and he needs to understand that you won't stand for it. The cheek of telling you that they have "decided" no-one else can come is totally unacceptable. It's not up to them!

I think it's perfectly fair to pay for younger DC but ask older to contribute as they are able. I think you are right to expect friends/GF's/BF's to pay for their own holiday, and I think you are being generous to pay upfront and then allow them to repay you in instalments. Although, I would be wary that they may agree to this and not pay you back.

It also sounds like this DS does very little round the house, from your text- if that is right, then I would be making changes. He needs to take on some responsibilities, so designate a few chores that he needs to do. If he doesn't do them, either start charging rent if you don't already/increase it if he does, in line with the extra work others are having to contribute to the household as he isn't doing his share. Time this young man grew up a bit!

BonnyScotland · 12/03/2017 13:16

great Text Mum... say strong and you have been nothing but FAIR... x

Original poster
Floofborksnootandboop · 12/03/2017 13:16

Thanks guys!

lasagna if he doesn't want it it's all yours!

What if, for example, one of your sons dumps his gf before the holiday? Who refunds the money? Well we would refund once we got the refund after cancelling her place on the holiday. I also wouldn't have allowed them to come if they'd only been together 5 minutes and could break up any minute. They've both had long relationships that don't seem likely to end within the next few months.

Topsytoo I do get what you're saying but you don't really know the situation there. I don't ask any of them to contribute, they do it by choice. His choice though is that he doesn't have to contribute as much as he spends half his time at girlfriends.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 12/03/2017 13:17

It isn't unreasonable for the adult children to pay whilst the younger children are paid for - assuming that at the same age the adult children were paid for. That would be my line of reasoning, the contribution around the house is a separate issue and I'd rather keep it that way.

Its also reasonable for 'add ons' to pay for themselves and expecting you to pay for his GF is not on, especially as it was agreed up front that the adults /add ons would pay for themselves to give everyone a better holiday.

We still do occasional group hols with adult children + add ons. I've never had an add-on expect to be paid for or an adult child not offer to pay for themselves once earning (or before but I was able to cover them and chose to do so when they were studying, not the same thing as being asked to pay for them!).

Original poster
Floofborksnootandboop · 12/03/2017 13:20

Although, I would be wary that they may agree to this and not pay you back. For DDs friend I don't think it's likely as I have a good relationship with her mum and she is the one paying and DSs girlfriend is here a lot so I don't think she'd get away with not paying. I totally understand that though and was why I originally didn't suggest it, it was DHs idea.

OP posts:
therootoftheroot · 12/03/2017 13:21

i would never ever have said they could have a friend come.
Holidays are family time.
if the older ones don't like that, they don't have to come.

simple.

rollonthesummer · 12/03/2017 13:21

What is your son's reasoning behind thinking you should pay for his girlfriend to come? I'm confused!

Original poster
Floofborksnootandboop · 12/03/2017 13:23

Also, DS does have his chores, just getting him to do it is a PITA and you could ask him on a Tuesday and it still not be done on Friday despite asking a million times between. He's always full off excuses "I'll do it when this episode is finsished" "oh just let me finish this quick" "I have to go to Gfs now so I'll do it when I get back" and I really struggle with actually making him do something as it's always the omg mum I'm 18 now stop telling what to do 🙄

OP posts:
coconutpie · 12/03/2017 13:25

He's 18 - he can pay his own way and his girlfriend's way. He's behaving like a spoiled brat if he's comparing himself to his 14yo sister!

Original poster
Floofborksnootandboop · 12/03/2017 13:26

What is your son's reasoning behind thinking you should pay for his girlfriend to come? I'm confused! because everyone else has someone coming. They don't though as DD1 hasn't got anyone coming, apparently that doesn't count though as she didn't want anyone and she's close to DS1s girlfriend so she basically has a friend.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 12/03/2017 13:27

I'm surprised they want to come with you away on holiday. At that age I went to Paris with my boyfriend and organised it myself. They are adults and if they want treating so they pay for it themselves not expect a free holiday off you. Your DS siblings are younger and therefore they should be paid for. Stand your ground.

1stworldproblemms · 12/03/2017 13:28

his girlfriend, from what I can tell she's a bit of a princess at home

Based on that do you think maybe it's is girlfriend pushing it rather than him?

rollonthesummer · 12/03/2017 13:28

But they don't all have someone coming for free?? His logic is flawed!

RebelRogue · 12/03/2017 13:31

it's always the omg mum I'm 18 now stop telling what to do 🙄

Reply in a really deadpan tone of voice "omg you're 18 now,stop sponging off me 🙄"