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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the house to myself once every two weeks?

120 replies

Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 09:46

I've started dating again after splitting from sons' dad almost two years ago. They are both late teens. There is no set structure about when they stay at their dad's, but it's usually a night in the week and rarely ever at weekends. They go separately too, as he only has two bedrooms. The thing is, I'd like some space to let a relationship develop. I'd like some privacy really.. I've asked if once a fortnight on a Saturday night they could both go to their dad's. They are both being a bit funny about it, saying I don't want them, which is unfair as I love having them here with me Their dad has a new girlfriend, and they have had every weekend together for the past year. I feel like it's about time I had a bit of space. Once a fortnight on a Saturday night isn't being unreasonable is it?

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 12/03/2017 09:48

So lads-I was hoping to have the place to myself as new bf x had bought some fab s&m gear for us to try out Sat. . .
Bet you a grand they stay out...

Astoria7974 · 12/03/2017 09:48

Yanbu. If they don't like it they're old enough to move out.

LottieDoubtie · 12/03/2017 09:48

Sorry but I think it kind of is- Contact is about whats best for the kids not privacy for the parents.

That said - how late teens? If they are 18-19 then perhaps time for them to leave home? If 15-17 then time for you to have the occasional Saturday night 'holiday' at your new partners whilst they stay at home.

Violetcharlotte · 12/03/2017 09:52

How are 18-19 year olds supposed to be able to afford to move out?!?

OP I understand exactly where you're coming from as I have older teens as well. Mine are a bit possessive over me! Could you leave them at home and go to your new mans for the night instead?

SummerHouse · 12/03/2017 09:52

Can you go to your new partners? Otherwise yes you absolutety deserve some space. You are not asking much. I like the s and m idea. Grin

gamerwidow · 12/03/2017 09:57

How old is late teens? I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It's their home and they should be allowed to be there whenever they want. I can understand why you want privacy but to their ears it will sound like you have moved on and don't want your old family anymore (which I know is not true). Why can't you go to your new partners place then no one needs to feel pushed out.

MatildaTheCat · 12/03/2017 10:01

Get clever. Tell them you've invited all your girlfriends over for a themed evening and would like them to serve the drinks in themed costumes. You won't see them for dust.

It's bound to be a successful evening. So much so that you will end up hosting over and over. Wink

pigeondujour · 12/03/2017 10:01

As long as you're happy to go out when it suits them so they can have girls round. Are you?

Chasingsquirrels · 12/03/2017 10:03

I think with late teens once a fortnight to say - DP and I are having a night in and want the lounge to ourselves from (say) 8pm to 10pm, so can you go out or stay out of the lounge, or DP and I are having a nice meal @ x o'clock so can you make sure you have eaten and stay out of the kitchen / eating area from y o'clock - is fine.
I'd not be so happy with - DP & I want a night in so you can't come home.

Do you go to his place? Fine to leave late teens overnight.
Does he stay at your place when they are there? If not, is there an issue with this?

Original poster
Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 10:04

Thanks. Yes, I can go to his place, but I would also like the option to bring him here. They are 18 and 20.
Perhaps I'll try the s and m idea!!
Honestly I'm thinking it's not worth the hassle and I'll just go to his every time.
Their dad hasn't encouraged them to stay over at weekends and it feels as though he's had everything his own way a bit. He wants them separately in the week while his girlfriend works away. It hasn't bothered me til now, but I'd just like to have my new partner round, cook him a nice meal and stay over.

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 12/03/2017 10:04

Soon as l saw this l thought you would be a stepmum actually as l have had this problem for years in the past before Ss2 moved out aged 26. I know exactly what you mean and l felt the same he never even went on holiday or stayed over at mates house or his mum's. But anything you at especially as a stepmum gets twisted that you're trying making them feel unwelcome in their own home blah blah. Like you withbyour ex l thought it unfair that exw lived with her DP and it was always just the two of them for all those years.

Bahhhhhumbug · 12/03/2017 10:05

'anything you say '

Chasingsquirrels · 12/03/2017 10:06

Okay, so actually they are adults - so don't need YOU when they are home.
So why can't you do as you have described while they are home?

Original poster
Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 10:07

It's really early days in the relationship. I've only been seeing him a month. I don't really want to introduce them to him and I'd feel awkward if he stayed over when they're here.
Neither has girlfriends at the moment, but when they did I have them space, went out for the evening.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 12/03/2017 10:10

Ah okay ☺

I think you probably just have to go with it atm then, give it a bit more time before you move to my suggestions.

What about a night away? You could do a cheap travelodge or premier Inn if you book in advance?

Violetcharlotte · 12/03/2017 10:11

Squirrels does the OP need to spell it out for you? She's in a new relationship, they want to have SEX!!
I can tell you from first hand experience that having 2 moody teens on the other side of the bedroom wall is not conducive to a night of passion!!

Go to his OP! Grin

SaucyJack · 12/03/2017 10:11

I don't think YABU.

They're adults now, and they should be able to cope with the world not revolving around them 24/7.

It's not like you're chucking them out on the street by sending them off to their dad's. Sharing a room won't kill them- may even be nice for them to spend some family time together with their dad.

Original poster
Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 10:13

I'm not that bothered about him staying over though.. I'd just like him to come round for the evening so we can go to bed! It's been bloody years!
I can't lock myself in my room with him when they're here in the house . It's a new house with thin walls! I'd feel really compromised.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 12/03/2017 10:14

Of course they want to have sex, I'm not stupid.
But she hadn't said it had only been a month, she hadn't said she didn't want to introduce them, she hadn't said how old they actually are.

Given that, I think "banishing" them from specific spaces in the house is reasonable, from the whole house isn't.

Trifleorbust · 12/03/2017 10:16

18 and 20! Okay, not kids so their welfare doesn't come into it. Do they pay rent?

Chasingsquirrels · 12/03/2017 10:16

I also think - if you bring him home once, maybe they'll disappear sharpish the next time Smile

Original poster
Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 10:17

Thanks saucy and violet, yes that's my thinking, the world doesn't revolve around them and I'm not asking too much.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 12/03/2017 10:17

feels as though he's had everything his own way a bit. He wants them separately in the week

They aren't kids. Making their arrangements with dad is now up to them. But you can definitely tell them to make themselves scarce.

Original poster
Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 10:19

I think to just ask them to go out for the evening is fine, and be back after 11? Then they don't have to stay out all night. .

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/03/2017 10:19

Did you tell them why you would like them to both go?