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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the house to myself once every two weeks?

120 replies

Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 09:46

I've started dating again after splitting from sons' dad almost two years ago. They are both late teens. There is no set structure about when they stay at their dad's, but it's usually a night in the week and rarely ever at weekends. They go separately too, as he only has two bedrooms. The thing is, I'd like some space to let a relationship develop. I'd like some privacy really.. I've asked if once a fortnight on a Saturday night they could both go to their dad's. They are both being a bit funny about it, saying I don't want them, which is unfair as I love having them here with me Their dad has a new girlfriend, and they have had every weekend together for the past year. I feel like it's about time I had a bit of space. Once a fortnight on a Saturday night isn't being unreasonable is it?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 12/03/2017 12:30

In my experience the majority of students houseshare. It only seems common on Mumsnet that young adults stay at home indefinitely.

PinkFlamingo545 · 12/03/2017 12:34

NerrSnerr - same here - and as far as I know all the young adults I know that went to Uni didn't move back home permanently after - just a pit stop until they sorted out a house share

Frazzled2207 · 12/03/2017 12:59

Yanbu they're adults. You can't force them to go to their dads but surely you can persuade them just to both go out once in a while and/or stay with friends. Regardless of your situation I don't think that 's an unreasonable ask of any parent of adult children!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/03/2017 13:03

At 18 and 20 how do you propose to make them stat at their DF?

Neither you nor him can 'make them' stay Confused

StereophonicallyChallenged · 12/03/2017 13:09

damned OP has said that she did make herself scarce to give her ds/s space with girlfriends. So no, I don't think it's unreasonable of her to ask for the same!

Violetcharlotte · 12/03/2017 13:21

This threads ridiculous! The OP has asked for ideas of how to get a bit of privacy from her teens to spend time with her new man. On the one hand we have people saying how terrible it is she should want them to go out and give them space, on the other, people are saying her sons should move out!?! Confused

NerrSnerr · 12/03/2017 13:32

I don't think the sons should move out if they don't want to, but as young adults they should be able to give their mum some space in her house and make themselves scarce for the evening. I bet they're not paying full rent and equal share of bills and food costs so their mum is doing them a favour subsidising their living so it's about give and take.

pigeondujour · 12/03/2017 13:52

"You pay the bills and probably put food on the table, you are not equal housemates!
I have to be honest, if it was me, and ds's were the same age, I would probably say "you know boys, I could do with some ALONE TIME with new man.., so could the two of you please make yourselves scarce on Saturday night-perhaps crash at a mates or stay over at Dad's?" They will get the picture and probably comply out of sheer embarrassment."

Why in the name of fuck would you want to embarrass your kids out of their home by talking about shagging your new fella? That's beyond weird.

OP's ex sounds selfish, but that isn't the kids' fault. It's naive to think that once kids get to 18 they have a straight choice between moving out or being conditional guests in their own home.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 12/03/2017 14:11

Because I am evil pigeon. Evil.
I can actually imagine saying that to my adult son. I can also imagine him rolling his eyes and going "Muuum! Gross!" and then going out. He should start saving up for therapy now.

I don't think they should move out, but doubtless they could if they wanted to, or if they felt traumatised by being sent to their Dads for a night.
They are not children!!!

GunnyHighway · 12/03/2017 14:39

Pigeon are you serious?

BonnyScotland · 12/03/2017 14:50

you need time alone.. TELL them they are going.. 18 and 20 is not young... x

pigeondujour · 12/03/2017 15:05

It's not 'doubtless' that young adults could leave home if they wanted to, though. The economy isn't really like that these days.

I think when you live as a family you can expect your bedroom, and the bathroom when you're using it, to be yours alone, plus if you've a date round for the rest of the family to leave you be in the living room. I don't think it's fair to expect to have the whole house vacated altogether by people whose home it is to your timescale so that you can have sex at optimum volume. I sometimes feel like only being in my own home, and would hate to be asked to leave the house if I didn't plan to. I know it's not ideal to have to have sex super quietly, but that's just being in a family.

Footle · 12/03/2017 15:29

I've only read half the thread so this may have been suggested already , but can't their father let them stay at his together some Saturdays when he's at his partner's? Why is the OP's home their only abode?

SaucyJack · 12/03/2017 15:50

"Why is the OP's home their only abode?"

Because she is a woman, and is therefore the default parent, and it's only her that's expected to put her life on hold until the adult children fly the nest to suit all the men in the family.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 12/03/2017 16:03

Saucy has it...

SoupDragon · 12/03/2017 16:07

Only if "it" is sexist claptrap.

Original poster
Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 16:22

Pigeon I've always put them first, and I'd never ask them to leave, I love having them with me and have no intention of asking them to move out. Nor do I have any intention of moving a bloke in while they live at home , I'm enjoying my freedom tabd independence too much anyway. But I think it's ok to ask them to give me a bit of space once in a while, if only for the evening. Pigeon, you've actually made me feel a bit sordid about the whole thing. i was in a practically sexless and loveless relationship with their dad for years I need some time to enjoy myself without them being around and I don't want them to feel compromised either. I think a few days notice is fine for them to then find something to do for the evening.

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 12/03/2017 16:31

What about day time?

NormaSmuff · 12/03/2017 16:32

Or can you suggest a cinema trip while you "cook" a meal for your new man?

EnormousTiger · 12/03/2017 16:43

Univesrity certainly helps. My older 3 all moved out then.

pigeondujour · 12/03/2017 17:14

Nothing to feel sordid about. The suggestion I thought was sordid was trying to embarrass them into leaving.

No one is saying you shouldn't have a relationship, of course you should. I just don't think that asking them to leave the house if they wouldn't otherwise is the answer. It's actually your ex that sounds like the problem.

PinkFlamingo545 · 12/03/2017 17:16

This threads ridiculous! The OP has asked for ideas of how to get a bit of privacy from her teens to spend time with her new man. On the one hand we have people saying how terrible it is she should want them to go out and give them space, on the other, people are saying her sons should move out!?

And then we have the self righteous camp - who come along and bash everyone else on the thread for not giving the OP any ideas - and then sod off without offering any ideas. Hmmm

PinkFlamingo545 · 12/03/2017 17:20

I don't think Pigeon was trying to make you feel sordid OP - but was just making the point in reference to someone else basically saying tell your sons you are going to get laid, and to leave the house

THAT would be sordid. OMG can you imagine the sheer humiliation of that conversation. And anyone actually thinking of doing it, discussing your sex life with your adult sons is not normal. Adult sons do not want to think about their mothers getting laid!

Violetcharlotte · 12/03/2017 17:23

How in any way is what I've said self righteous? If you've read the thread, you'd see I suggested the OP would probably find it easier to go to her partners - slightly more realistic than suggesting her sons should move out Hmm

I'm in the same situation as the OP so understand how difficult it is. I'm guessing you don't have older teens, otherwise you would realise that they don't just move out when they hit 18!

PinkFlamingo545 · 12/03/2017 17:35

Violetcharlotte

You seem to love a good sweeping statement.

No, you don't know how many teenage kids I have

No, you cannot speak for all teenagers I'm guessing you don't have older teens, otherwise you would realise that they don't just move out when they hit 18!

Yes some do. You don't have Uni where you live?

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