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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the house to myself once every two weeks?

120 replies

Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 09:46

I've started dating again after splitting from sons' dad almost two years ago. They are both late teens. There is no set structure about when they stay at their dad's, but it's usually a night in the week and rarely ever at weekends. They go separately too, as he only has two bedrooms. The thing is, I'd like some space to let a relationship develop. I'd like some privacy really.. I've asked if once a fortnight on a Saturday night they could both go to their dad's. They are both being a bit funny about it, saying I don't want them, which is unfair as I love having them here with me Their dad has a new girlfriend, and they have had every weekend together for the past year. I feel like it's about time I had a bit of space. Once a fortnight on a Saturday night isn't being unreasonable is it?

OP posts:
damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 11:13

It's their home too, you'd be fairly miffed if they asked you to spend the night at your new boyfriend's house so they could have rampant sex with their girl/boyfriend.
YABU.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/03/2017 11:15

I genuinely am baffled that anyone can find it unreasonable for adults to be asked to go out for an evening!

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:17

I am baffled that there are rules about dating the shagging and introducing to kids that I obviously didn't follow and I thought I was fairly responsible!

MrsTeller · 12/03/2017 11:20

Damnedgrumble It's very difficult to develop a new relationship as a single parent (don't know if you've tried) and sex is part of getting to know someone, it's easy when you have no children and lots of privacy.

These are adult children, not toddlers, what's the problem with giving them some money and sending them to the cinema or out for a few drinks occasionally? She's not throwing them out. It's her home as well and she's entitled to some privacy.

NerrSnerr · 12/03/2017 11:22

They are 18 and 20! You can't demand they stay at their dads but you can tell them to go out for the evening/ overnight and they can stay where they wish.

haveacupoftea · 12/03/2017 11:22

Theyd probably be thrilled if you buggered off one night a week so they could have their girlfriends home, but aren't cheeky enough to say it. You're a family, you cant just chuck them out of their home when you fancy it Confused

DJBaggySmalls · 12/03/2017 11:22

Stop them having girls stay over if thats their attitude.

MrsTeller · 12/03/2017 11:25

They're old enough to understand you're an adult and you're dating and need space.

confuugled1 · 12/03/2017 11:27

Maybe the trick would be to start by getting your dc to go to their dad's just once on a saturday night. Point out that they haven't been there on a saturday night for an entire year. point out that it's pretty rubbish unkind of their dad not to have bothered to have invited them for a single saturday. Doesn't have to be in a mean way. Also ask them if they ever intend to spend a saturday at their dad's again because they don't look like they are going to and that spending a weekend night with their dad is different from a school night when they have to be up and out and sorted the next day. It is a really important part of their relationship together, the male bonding as grown ups, that they are missing out on.

Getting that first time over and done with is really important. They don't want to think about being pushed out of their home every other week - that sounds a lot and for a long time. Getting it to happen just once will be a starting point, then push for it to happen again - even if it is just once a month to start with - they should want to spend some time with their dad as well as their mum (assuming you didn't split up because he was a rubbish dad or abusive or such).

I know that's not ideal for you as it's not as easy to plan as having a regular every other saturday to look forward to. But the important thing is to get it started and build up and make it more of a usual thing rather than try to force something new to happen as a long term arrangement straight away. Plus I'd call the dc out for being selfish for not being willing to do this occasionally from both angles - from giving you a little free time and not spending time with their dad.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/03/2017 11:32

Some of the responses on this thread! Grin

OP, you should NEVER ask your 18 and 20 year olds to spend more time with their father, I simply can't begin to fathom the unreasonableness!! And how dare you be in their house when they have girls over. Smh, some women are such monsters...

Violetcharlotte · 12/03/2017 11:35

I think unless you're single parent and have teens, it's very difficult to understand how hard it can be when you meet someone new.

Although its absolutely ok to have a relationship, teens, especially teen boys, are very protective of their Mum and often don't like the thought of them being with a man, so you have to tread gently!

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:38

Try keeping it a secret when it's the dad of one of your son's best friends !!

hippyhippyshake · 12/03/2017 11:40

You know that two brothers sharing a room is no biggie? I think everyone is just doing what they want and you're the only one thinking of others. Time to think of yourself! They are old enough to know when they are not wanted and bugger off. They have a second 'home' at their dad's. Why can't they just TELL him they are coming over? I mean they don't ask you if it's ok to sleep at yours. 😜

PinkFlamingo545 · 12/03/2017 11:45

I have to say at 18 and 20 I find this thread very strange - On the first post I honestly thought you were talking about much younger children

They need treating like the adults that they are

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 12/03/2017 11:47

I'm just flabbergasted that you actually see your boys. Mine surface for meals, raid fridge, grunt and go to work . Dh could chase me round the house with a feather duster and they'd never know.

MrsTeller · 12/03/2017 11:47

They're too old to be sent to their Dad's if they don't want to go and I definitely wouldn't be involving him in the discussion.

I'd give them some money and send them out for the night, "here's £30 go and drink some beer in the pub for a few hours, have a kebab on the way home, don't want you back before 11". How can that be wrong?

PinkFlamingo545 · 12/03/2017 11:49

To the posters who are asking 'how do they move out at that age'

At 18 ad 20, unless they are students they would have an income. They could use this to house share.

No wonder young adults are so apathetic these days, its really not that difficult

Violetcharlotte · 12/03/2017 11:54

Pink why should they move out?! The OP never said there was a problem with them being at home, just that she'd like a bit of privacy once in a while. Very few young adults of that age can afford to move out, even if they want to, especially in the South East. Doesn't mean they're apathetic at all. Maybe they're saving for deposits? Who knows? That's not the discussion we're having here.

cosytoaster · 12/03/2017 11:57

YADNBU - I am in exactly the same situation, I'm planning on staying over at his as too much hassle otherwise - like you say teenagers plans are so fluid that even if they plan on going to their dad's they could end up going out with friends and then my house is more convenient.

I think unless you're single parent and have teens, it's very difficult to understand how hard it can be when you meet someone new - also totally agree with this. In my case I have had years and years of being home alone with them, so it's a big change.

LucklessMonster · 12/03/2017 11:57

At 18 ad 20, unless they are students they would have an income. They could use this to house share.

Yes because it's so rare for 18 and 20 year olds to be students, and the ones in full time work earn a good wage, don't they? Hmm

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 12/03/2017 12:26

Um...students do houseshare?! I don't see why students or working youngsters can't live in shared houses?
Anyway..
OP, of course you should be able to ask for some privacy once a fortnight. Its your home too.
Ignore this:
As long as you're happy to go out when it suits them so they can have girls round. Are you?
As its patently ridiculous. You pay the bills and probably put food on the table, you are not equal housemates!
I have to be honest, if it was me, and ds's were the same age, I would probably say "you know boys, I could do with some ALONE TIME with new man.., so could the two of you please make yourselves scarce on Saturday night-perhaps crash at a mates or stay over at Dad's?" They will get the picture and probably comply out of sheer embarrassment.
Totally unfair that your ex has had all the privacy he wants to nurture HIS relationships. You go and get yourself some!

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 12:27

MrsTeller would the OP's son's be reasonable to ask her to go out/stay out overnight so that they could have sex as part of building a new relationship?

They are all adults and it's their home.

PinkFlamingo545 · 12/03/2017 12:27

I know it is not the discussion we are having, but moving out IS an option. They are old enough, and they wont want to live with their Mum forever.

LucklessMonster I can only base on my own area, but a house share around my location is affordable even on a minimum wage working full time and taking into account the lower amount of minimum wage an 18 year old would earn. Each area would be different though.

robinia · 12/03/2017 12:29

The home is owned by op, not the children.

PinkFlamingo545 · 12/03/2017 12:30

IfNotNowThenWhenever I love your idea, but I think if it were me, the embarrassment of the situation would kill me - asking them to leave wink wink would be saying to my adult son, 'Yo momma is getting laid tonight''

I don't have any better ideas though haha

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