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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the house to myself once every two weeks?

120 replies

Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 09:46

I've started dating again after splitting from sons' dad almost two years ago. They are both late teens. There is no set structure about when they stay at their dad's, but it's usually a night in the week and rarely ever at weekends. They go separately too, as he only has two bedrooms. The thing is, I'd like some space to let a relationship develop. I'd like some privacy really.. I've asked if once a fortnight on a Saturday night they could both go to their dad's. They are both being a bit funny about it, saying I don't want them, which is unfair as I love having them here with me Their dad has a new girlfriend, and they have had every weekend together for the past year. I feel like it's about time I had a bit of space. Once a fortnight on a Saturday night isn't being unreasonable is it?

OP posts:
Violetcharlotte · 12/03/2017 17:45

Pink Yes, of course some teens move out when they're 18 and go to uni, the OPs haven't through, they live at home.

The point I'm making is that it's a bit over the top to suggest they should move out just because Mum has a new partner and wants a bit of privacy now and again.

Imagine if she'd posted 'I've recently met a new man and would like the house to myself so I can have no holds barred sex. AIBU to ask my teenage sons to move out?

She's get flamed! Grin

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 12/03/2017 17:52

Only if "it" is sexist claptrap.
It is indeed.

I don't know. At 18 I was living in a different city and had no idea what my parents were or were not doing. It's just, the way some posters are up in arms about OP asking the young men she provides a home for for some time alone makes me facetious.
And it's bloody hard to meet anyone as a lone parent. Sometimes even mothers must prioritise their own needs.

MrsTeller · 12/03/2017 19:28

damnedgrubble Ridiculous statement.

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 19:30

MrsTeller only because you don't agree with it. Answer the question rather than dismissing what I say as ridiculous!

MrsTeller · 12/03/2017 19:36

Some MNers seem to think that only childless single woman or married woman are entitled to a sex life, if you are divorced and have a sex life of any sort you are both wanton and also not putting your children first, even if they are fully grown.

The man you divorced, as he is likely to be the non resident parent, is entitled to sow his oats at will and in privacy. You must stay at home and nurture until your prime is over and you are ready to start grandparenting.

MrsTeller · 12/03/2017 19:40

damnedgrubble Since when have parents and the children in a household been completely equal? If I want to stay up late to watch a film does that mean I have to allow my child to stay up late, or is it different because I'm older and the parent?

If I have a glass or wine, does that mean I have to allow my child to have a glass of wine?

No, because it isn't an equal relationship.

damnedgrubble · 12/03/2017 19:47

*If I have a glass or wine, does that mean I have to allow my child to have a glass of wine?

No, because it isn't an equal relationship.*

When they are minors I agree with you, however the OP's children are adults and it's not unreasonable to have different 'rules' (in the loosest possible sense as they are adults) then. If I am having a glass of wine and my adult offspring are in the room then I will offer them a glass - it's polite.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 12/03/2017 19:57

Fuck that. DS can buy his own wine.

MrsTeller · 12/03/2017 20:05

I was just using wine as an example, whatever their age, while they live under your roof and you're supporting them financially, expectations of behaviour are different.

Footle · 13/03/2017 07:58

Exactamundo, SaucyJack.

Stardust1901 · 13/03/2017 08:33

YABU... IMO opinion you can't kick someone out of their home for the evening just because you want some privacy.

I would just say 'John' is coming over tonight and we're watching a DVD. Late teens know exactly what that means and they'll probably make themselves scarce of their own accord.

If my DM told me at 18 I need to go out for the evening and not be back by a certain time, well I wouldn't do it. It's my home too.

That said, I wouldn't expected to do the same either. I wouldn't expect my mother to go out of an evening to give me privacy.

Footle · 13/03/2017 09:00

So why does their father get to enjoy a private life of his choosing , secure in the knowledge that his ex-wife has no such luck?

pigeondujour · 13/03/2017 09:45

Because he's a dick. But I'd guess making your children feel they have no home with you will being its own punishment in time.

Stardust1901 · 13/03/2017 09:45

Because I'm assuming that when they split, OP wanted full custody of her children. Just because they're not children anymore and OP has met someone new, Ex has to have DCs more.

NerrSnerr · 13/03/2017 09:48

'So why does their father get to enjoy a private life of his choosing'

I can imagine at age 18 and 20 the 'children' are choosing not to stay with their dad and the parents can't force them to stay with either parents. My parents were divorced and I never slept over at my dads once I reached adulthood as it wasn't my family home. He would have had me if I'd wanted to but post 18 I was too old for 'contact' and would just go and see him or meet up somewhere. It's the same 20 years later, when we visit our hometown we stay with my mum- it's our choice.

EnormousTiger · 13/03/2017 11:11

By the way plenty of sons and adult sons who live together (and flat mates) have that arrangement - you must be out tonight as I've a girl coming round (and it features on many a UK sit com when someone gets back a bit soon).

The solution is children leaving for university - roll on September for me...... They may then be back for half the year but at least you have that natural break point for independence and betweeen childhood and post 18 adult life.

pigeondujour · 13/03/2017 12:17

Flatmates?! A flatmate who asked me to be out when it suited them would get seriously, seriously short shrift. Fuck that.

SaucyJack · 13/03/2017 12:49

"But I'd guess making your children feel they have no home with you will being its own punishment in time."

Really?! I'd hazard a guess that most of us aren't harbouring a burning resentment towards our parents that we matured into grown-ups with our own homes. Once upon a time it was considered decent parenting to raise children into independent adults- not some sort of punishment. I know the current housing situation has made it far more difficult for the younger generations to fly the nest, but still.

Some of your the posts on here remind me of the pic I've added.

Of course, it's academic anyway. There's no suggestion that the OP wants them to move out permanently. She just wants one night of peace a fortnight after 20 years of putting the DC first.

To want the house to myself once every two weeks?
pigeondujour · 13/03/2017 13:53

I meant OP's ex will be punished in his own way in time. Hmm

cosytoaster · 13/03/2017 18:08

Well said Saucy!

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