Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To want the house to myself once every two weeks?

120 replies

Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 09:46

I've started dating again after splitting from sons' dad almost two years ago. They are both late teens. There is no set structure about when they stay at their dad's, but it's usually a night in the week and rarely ever at weekends. They go separately too, as he only has two bedrooms. The thing is, I'd like some space to let a relationship develop. I'd like some privacy really.. I've asked if once a fortnight on a Saturday night they could both go to their dad's. They are both being a bit funny about it, saying I don't want them, which is unfair as I love having them here with me Their dad has a new girlfriend, and they have had every weekend together for the past year. I feel like it's about time I had a bit of space. Once a fortnight on a Saturday night isn't being unreasonable is it?

OP posts:

Giddyaunt18 · 12/03/2017 10:23

It's tricky as it's their home and they shouldn't feel they are not welcome. However, their dad could easily have them both stay together in one room or one on the sofa. I would just come clean and tell then you want the house to yourself, that you have a date and they can either say out till 11 or stay at their dad's. Bet you they choose the latter!

Original poster

Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 10:24

Their dad sort of tells them when they can go to his, e.g not at weekends as he's with his girlfriend. I don't want them to feel pushed out, so an evening out of the way is a compromise.

OP posts:

ClopySow · 12/03/2017 10:24

I don't think you can insist on them staying at their dads based on the fact that they are adults now. I say that as a single mum with two slightly younger teenage sons, i just don't feel it's appropriate to force access any more. I do think you can tell them to make themselves scarce though.

Giddyaunt18 · 12/03/2017 10:25

I think your ex is out of order, he can have his weekends free and you can't. I'd be having a strong word with him!

LottieDoubtie · 12/03/2017 10:26

ok now you've told us their ages its time to be honest with them (up to a point...) and renegotiate house rules now you are effectively housing adults.

I think it's fine to say I want the house to myself on saturday night so I can have someone over for dinner and then we plan to watch a film. At that age don't they go out on Saturday nights fairly regularly anyway? Even better if they are focussed on their own night out and it doesn't occur to them what you want to do at home!

Original poster

Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 10:27

Soupdragon, I'm quite open with them and without spelling it out they know. I said I need some privacy and I'd like him to come round for the evening and that I'd tell them in advance so they could arrange to stay at their dad's or go out for the evening.

OP posts:

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 10:28

Bugger off boys I'm bringing x round for the evening. Don't be back before 11.

And then, once they do come back, shag noisily and dramatically.

They'll leave you alone after that.

pigeondujour · 12/03/2017 10:30

that's my thinking, the world doesn't revolve around them and I'm not asking too much.

See, I don't think that having the option of staying in your own house is having the world revolve around you. But if your thinking is you're not asking too much, why post in AIBU?

SleepFreeZone · 12/03/2017 10:30

I think you need to spell it out more blatantly. You are entitled to a sex life, they are of the age where they understand adult relationships. Turf them both out for the night and put the bolt on the door until midnight.

garlicandsapphire · 12/03/2017 10:31

Totally get it - but I think its hard in practice.

When I first was dating my DC were little so I have every other weekend totally to myself and I really enjoyed the space and freedom. Now however, my mid teens go less consistently so I would find it more difficult. I'd probably just go to the boyfriends as I always felt that was more my private place than home, or ask them to go away every now and again. Or go away for weekends myself? But it is tricky.

Original poster

Nosocksevermatchup · 12/03/2017 10:31

I've asked their dad and he said he can't make them stay at his, but he's never encouraged them or invited them over because of his girlfriend being there or he's at hers.
Teenagers plans are always fluid these days,. Either they suddenly announce they're going out at half ten at night or have something planned and nothing comes of it.

OP posts:

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 10:36

I still have my own house but I'm almost never there. I prefer to be at DP's because he lives alone. Well, no kids, obviously I have a lot of stuff there.

DD and DS stay at mine but DD is first year uni and DS is working. DP kids are older and don't stay with him, although all of them they could stay at either house if they wanted to.

Sometimes If they're out they'll ask can they crash at DP (his kids or my kids) as it's closer to the centre of town where the nightclubs etc are and I'll even go and get them

Flexibility is the key with bigger teens but it's hard to work it out in the beginnng (we have loads of kids between us it's a challenge)

Giddyaunt18 · 12/03/2017 10:37

It's hard for teens when both parents are developing new relationships, both homes no longer feel like their safe retreat. My niece had this and in the end she moved in with boyfriend just to make her own space far too early in the relationship just to make her own safe space. The relationship couldn't withstand the pressure and she felt homeless! Hard all round, tread carefully but definitely speak to ex alone and get him to see he needs to actively encourage them over, they need to feel wanted even at their age.

ohtheholidays · 12/03/2017 10:48

Of course YANBU and 20 is not a teenager!

Of course you should be able to have sometime to yourself and they're old enough to know that it's normal for you to want some time for yourself.

Do they not have friends/boyfriends/girlfriends that they stay with overnight sometimes?

Butteredparsnip1ps · 12/03/2017 10:51

Pay them to go out.

Here's some drinks money. Don't come back before midnight.

Have fun OP

ohtheholidays · 12/03/2017 10:52

Like another poster mentioned could you spend a night at the other persons place?That way you don't have to try and talk your ex round.

Crumbs1 · 12/03/2017 10:54

I'm old fashioned and think if you're wanting a long term relationship you need your partner to meet and feel comfortable with the children before he stays over - albeit adult children to avoid long term complications in relationships. I personally (and I'm beginning to realise I am rare) think sex within a month of meeting someone is a bad idea. You hardly know them at that point. But that's just me, perhaps.

Trifleorbust · 12/03/2017 10:56

Nosocksevermatchup:

Just tell them, "I want the house to myself this weekend." Then it's up to them whether they go to their Dad's, stay with a mate/girlfriend/boyfriend.

Why is this so hard?

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 10:59

I shagged DP on the first date.

He asked me in for coffee. 😜

It was at his house, with no kids about. I'd left my then big teens in the house alone and I went home at a ridiculous hour if the morning because I didn't want to stay out all night.

He was a dad of one of DD and DS friends

jay55 · 12/03/2017 10:59

Things are so different now but as a teen I was out as much as possible. Do they not want to watch sport in the pub and stay for a few drinks? Or go clubbing? Or something?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/03/2017 11:00

Oh bloody hell, of course it's not unreasonable to ask your sodding adult kids to bugger off out for the night once a week! When I was that age I was never in anyway!

All this hand wringing about excluding them from their own home is, frankly, ridiculous and probably posted by parents of young children who haven't yet had 20 years of their kids being with them constantly. If they do have grown up children, my guess is they are the kind of parents still giving them lifted everywhere, cooking and washing for them etc.

Don't feel guilty OP, enjoy your new relationship

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:01

I'd already met DP kids and he mine - he'd stayed over with my kids at a sporting thing (he was a coach) before he met me.

Some of Our kids are similar ages and play the same sport.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/03/2017 11:02

As long as you're happy to go out when it suits them so they can have girls round. Are you?

The OP has said she does this but why should she?! She is their parent, not their flatmate!

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:03

We actually snuck around for ages and ages being super careful when we were at the rugby club because we didn't want to get caught on and cause raised eyebrows if it was going to be a blow over kind of thing.

The kids thought it was hilarious when they found out.

EnormousTiger · 12/03/2017 11:11

It's difficult. I've 5 and their father has them zero days a year - ditto for over 10 years. It's very unfair. However they go to university later this year, the last ones so perhaps I will now get a night or day without a child in this house after decades of waiting......

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread