To ask about your parents and discipline?

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

And how you feel about them/their parenting style?

I was a child of the 80s and my parents either locked me in my room alone (usually not knowing what I'd done wrong) or hit me - open hand, wooden spoon or belt. Not so that it left bruises but it was pretty unpleasant.

I resent them hugely for this now, don't have a good relationship with DM (DF isn't in the picture) and their discipline style didn't have the desired consequences - I rebelled a lot as a teenager.

How did your parents discipline and do you feel like this has changed your relationship in a positive or negative way?

Thanks for any sharing.

I was born in the mid 70s and smacking was a standard punishment - usually with a slipper, on the legs or thighs. My dad has a real temper, and often whacked me hard and long enough to leave bruises. In fairness to my parents, schools dished out corporal punishment in those days and I think they saw it as a normal way to discipline children. I was never hit at school because I was well-behaved and swotty. The usual reason for my being hit at home was being perceived as having been rude - answering back and so forth.

I remember one incident when I was about 11 - I was in the garden and a rubber strut had pinged off a garden chair and gone missing which I was being blamed for as I'd been the one to sit on it when it happened - my dad kept asking me where it was and I got fed up in the end and said, "How the hell should I know?" - my dad absolutely fell on me and whacked the living daylights out of me with whatever footwear he'd had on at the time. I had huge bruises on my legs for the next few days, and I remember feeling embarrassed about it.

I get on fine with my parents now, and am very close to my mum although I still feel upset when I recall some of the beating incidents - I do think this sort of punishment was fairly common at the time - it seemed completely normal - I don't let it define my relationship with my parents now. I went through a period of hardly contacting them when I was at university, but nowadays I phone my mum every day.

I have fairly low self-esteem and suffer from a lack of confidence - I don't know whether that's linked to those incidents - I think part of me will always be afraid of somehow 'going too far' or seeming too confident or cheerful (because it seemed that it was that sort of mood which could lead me into being punished).

I've rambled on and I feel a bit upset and tearful but it's helpful to read this thread and know I was by no means alone.

Oblomov your lack of awareness is simply astounding. Maybe there's a link between that and what people divulge in your presence. Just a thought...

Probably you writing "I find it hard to believe that such a huge % of the population lived this way."

As a bystander, I think this bun-fight is a consequence of a misunderstanding on your part. I've re-read her post it's completely clear to me that her "I find it hard to believe" means "I do believe and given my different personal experience, am amazed to hear..."

Did you ever watch "One foot in the grave?" Victor Meldrew's catch-phrase was a yelled "I don't believe it". It didn't mean he didn't believe "it", as "it" had just actually happened.

I was born in the mid-80s. I think I was a fairly well-behaved child as I don't remember much "disciplining" to be honest. My mum would lose her temper and shout occasionally, but it was always related to what we were doing ("Get down from there/For the thousandth time, put your shoes on/Stop biting your sister") rather than insults at us, IYSWIM? My dad worked full-time so I don't remember him being involved so much. They were pretty good at explaining why we weren't allowed to do certain things most of the time.

I can remember being smacked a couple of times, mostly seemingly as a shocked reaction because I was doing something dangerous like running into the road/taking my seatbelt off/biting my sister (again!)

for all those for whom this is a painful topic.

Child of the 80s, and my parents never smacked, hit or locked me in my room. My parents were strict, and I pushed the boundaries significantly as a teenager - my punishment was being 'grounded'. I can honestly say I've only ever heard my parents raise their voices once each, but I was always scared of upsetting them, can't put my finger on why.

Firesuit, the thing is that nobody on this thread has claimed a high proportion of people are abused, they are simply giving their experience and are probably more likely to comment on the thread if they had a more extreme experience. I sought clarification on what Oblomov was saying, but rather than clarifying what she meant, she went straight into "What, you think I'm lying?" Etc.

Sorry "What you think I'm saying people are lying" etc.

Oblomov you are naive to assume you are being told the truth. I have not been asked about this aspect of my childhood often, but the first time it happened I told the truth, that is that my father occasionally smacked me. I got a horrified look and an unempathic horrified exclamation. I never told the truth again.

I was born in the late 60s, was smacked occasionally as a small child, probably not after the age of 5 or 6. I have never smacked or hit any of my own children.

I think Oblomov is getting a hard time on here. This thread wasn't intended to be about abuse, but just how discipline was different when we were children.
I expected most people to say things like sometimes got shouted at and sent to your room for a while, the occasional slap on the back of the leg or bum for major misdemeanours. All this within a generally happy and loving family.
I was born late 60s and this is how it was for me and as far as I knew it was similar for my friends.
That so many people have described abusive circumstances so far away from my experience didn't make me think that actually their situations must actually have been what was going on in most households, rather they are more likely to want to share their experience on an anonymous forum than those with 'unremarkable' childhoods.
I think Oblamov is saying she can't believe that an abusive childhood was the experience of the majority of people, not that individuals didn't have that experience.

I think abuse is a hard topic to speak about - most obvious understatement ever.
Every time someone comes close to breaking the burden of silence placed upon the child or woman - most regularly - someone either conflates their story with yours or downplays your lived abuse with their version of what must have happened.

Imagine how that feels.
Keeping the secret of your abuse as your burden your entire childhood and then still feeling you have to keep it to make others feel better about the world.
Who does that protect? Abusers
Who does that help? Abusers and people who want to shield abusers.

I am now in my second professional career. I have never discussed my childhood at work. Among schoolgate mothers I would and could never discuss my childhood
During my childhood no friends could ever come to my house. I was kept off school when bruises cuts or welts were too bad to attend.
Had anyone ever found out it was going to be my fault. My fault.
How could I ever ever speak of it?

Mind your words when you speak to others who have been abused and check the privilege you had growing up not like this.
Try hard not to seem like a callous bitch

Child of 70s. Both parents often on a knife edge. Mum passive aggressive, Dad quite bad tempered. Mum would refuse to talk to you or throw things. Did get smacked but wasn't bothered-I started hitting them back.

Dad liked to say no because he could. That has influenced me-I really pick my battles with my DC. If it's not hurting or upsetting anyone I generally ignore. We have rules about important things and I try to limit raising voice/shouting to important things too eg danger/hurting (definitely not perfect though!!).

I remember my Dad going berserk over minor stuff. Also he constantly criticised us. I have anxiety now and I suspect that his behaviour contributed.

Also not much physical affection-and none from him so I'm constantly hugging my DC

Born in 1994. My mum screamed and shouted, smacked with a cane and would stop talking to me for week. She used to tell me she would run away and never come back and the hide. And when I'd scream for her she wouldn't reply. I remember sitting on the hall floor sobbing thinking she's never come back and it was my fault. She's call me lazy and disgusting if I didn't do everything exactly as she wanted. When I struggled with school work my lovely dad would sit and the table and try and help while my bother screamed in the. Ackground about how stupid I was l, I wasn't trying and when I'd start to cry she would say here we go again with the water works. If I spilled something or broke something by accident or was the end oh the world. If I done anything remotely childlike I was punished. Might I add at school I was the perfect student and at home my behaviour was exemplary but that didn't stop her findings fault. She would scream at me and I wouldn't understand what I'd done wrong. Now as an adult she is still very manipulative and can be controlling. I still live in the same house and still if I don't toe the line she can stop speaking to me for weeks. My dad was kind and compassionate and loving. He sometimes smacked cause Mum made him but he would always come me back and apologise. It hurts that he never stuck up for me then. He does now but I can stand up for myself now. It all hurts and I have an anxiety disorder and crippling low self esteem so it deffo effected me.

Nine broken arms by my tenth birthday. All X-rays were done in the hospital my mother worked in - no questions asked until we moved - long distance from that area. A quick look into that stopped the physical violence more or less. She shaved my eyebrows off and tos everyone I'd done it myself with scissors. Also hacked into my hairline the say before school photos. Told the teacher that she "couldn't believe I'd done it to myself just before the photos". Refusing to let me have asthma medication at school and telling the teacher that I was neurotic. Lots of other hateful, humiliating things designed to embarrass me, undermine my ability to ask for help and to totally destroy my trust in caregivers. Probably worse than the violence. She died recently, and that has all gone unchallenged - meanwhile it was obvious that she could see that I do things very differently with my kids!!!

Child if the 90s.

Can remember being smacked once, ever, for playing on the railway line behind my nana's garden and then being apologised to (but still being rightly in deep trouble)

Was treated with respect and was then expected to be respectful in return.

Rules were never arbitrary /were always explained /made perfect sense.

If I did something wrong it was always made clear to me in the kindest possible way why it wrong and why /who might be hurt by those actions.

It was also made abundantly clear that while they may not always have loved my behaviour they most definitely loved me, at all times.

I have a really really excellent relationship with my parents. They weren't perfect and did get a fair bit wrong but their fair, firm but gentle discipline is something I am trying to copy with my ds as I think they got it spot on.

Never really rebelled as a teenager either as I never saw any of their rules as unfair, because the valid reasons behind them were always explained.

'Because I said so' was never an answer. Between this attitude and the trust they bestowed on me I never felt punished, only guided and loved.
BUT I also knew that my life would be different and my freedoms restricted if I broke that trust. (which I never felt the need to as like I said, all of their rules/curfews etc were all very fair and reasonable)

My mum in particular took this line prescisely because my granny was the total opposite of this, slippers to the head, belts to the knees, unfair and unreasonable restrictions to money and freedom, drunk by 3pm and told her and my aunts that their stapdad came before them (basically abusive by today's standards)

She broke the cycle of abuse with me. (my dad had a much less violent childhood despite being five years he senior and growing up in rural Ireland as one of six) and I'm so very very glad she did.

I had a great deal of respect for my mum anyway but that respect went sky high when I heard about how she was treated as a child and how she swore she would never do that to any child she ever had.

for all those who suffered and survived abuse and massive respect to those of you who grew up with abuse and managed to break the cycle. You are unsung heroes.

I was born late sixties, I was sent to bed early or told off. I was smacked once which I've never forgotten so I've never smacked mine.
Had a good relationship with my parents.

My parents divorced when I was about 5 and me and my sister lived with our mom in the week and then spent every weekend with our dad.

Our dad never laid a finger on us whereas our mother was very physical towards us. We were petrified of her. She'd smack us, hit us, bang our heads together, force feed us, give our severe punishments for minor behaviour lapses, lock us in our rooms, etc and the way she screamed and shouted at us was horrendous really. As we grew up my sister seemed to bear the brunt of it and I even caught my mom laying into her when she was 17 years old

We were born in 1982 and 1983.

Oddly enough we still have a good relationship with our mother but we are wary about her being alone with our own children. I don't think for a minute she'd ever hit her grandchildren but her temper and verbal attacks towards them can still be pretty nasty at times.

Just shouting and smacking really.

Except when I was a teenager and thinking I was clever (don't remember what it was about but I was giving a lot of attitude) and my mother pinned me against the wall by my throat. Taught me not to do it again at least

Posted before finished.

I very rarely played up as I knew I would be punished. I guess in that way their parenting style was effective. Though I do think a bit OTT with what my mother did when I was a teen BUT...other punishments had been tried and none worked so she went down the 'scare her' route which worked.

I have a great relationship with them now :)

An occasional smack from my mum if I'd pushed her too far but it. Ever hurt. My Dad just had this look he gave me. He never laid a finger on me but I feared "the look"! I wish I could perfect it myself!

Born in the 70s. If she was in one of her moods it was pants down and a wooden stick on the bum quite a few times. Then she would repeatedly scream the same questions at us or come into our rooms to look for anything she could find fault with. It rarely had anything to do with the severity of the crime but on how she was feeling. Half the time I had no idea what it was that I had done, which made it hard to answer her questions.

In between she did reasonable telling off.

I remember my dad shouting and smacking (one smack) after warnings.I can't remember my mum shouting or smacking, but she says she did.
I was never in the slightest bit afraid of my parents
when I srarted primary school I can remember on jy first week the HT putting me over his knee and smacking my bum long and hard in front of the whole class because I has done a tiny pencil doodle on one of those grey formica topped tables (which easily wipe clean anyway) I was so worried about my knickers showing because summer dresses were VERY short in 1973

Threads like this have been areal eye-opener for me.

In the past I thought the only reason my friends weren't hit etc was because their parents were hippies. I thought EVERYBODY else had the same home life as me. It wasn't until I got to Mumsnet and saw threads like this, with people calling what happened to me "abuse" that I realised that it wasn't just my hippy friends who had safe homes and that what happened to me was wrong to other people. This was important because it felt wrong to me, therapists had told me it was wrong, but my mother always told me she was right and I was wrong, and everybody said what a good mother I had.

So people who had non-violent childhoods, it's great to read your accounts!

And for those who didn't, verbally or physically.

I was born in the 60s and regularly got whacked. Also got whacked regularly at school.

Slapped, shouted at.

Very rigid on me going out/coming home. Even at 17/18.

It ended up with them telling me to move out because I came home at 3am. I did.

I have a much better relationship with my own DD's. My oldest has left home to go to uni but I have never once told her what time she has to come home since she was 17 and left 6th form. I just ask that she doesn't lock one of the cats in the porch again by accident, doesn't make too much noise coming in and always lets me know if she is planning to stay out at her friends overnight.