To ask about your parents and discipline?

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

And how you feel about them/their parenting style?

I was a child of the 80s and my parents either locked me in my room alone (usually not knowing what I'd done wrong) or hit me - open hand, wooden spoon or belt. Not so that it left bruises but it was pretty unpleasant.

I resent them hugely for this now, don't have a good relationship with DM (DF isn't in the picture) and their discipline style didn't have the desired consequences - I rebelled a lot as a teenager.

How did your parents discipline and do you feel like this has changed your relationship in a positive or negative way?

Thanks for any sharing.

[Cheerybigbottom]

I was born in the 80s and my parents used to scream, shout and smack me and my 5 siblings. They had far too many kids and didn't handle anything. I have no respect for them now.

[Oblomov17]

because you've never heard them talk about it.

No. Because we HAVE talked about it. In detail. Some said none at all, some said a bit, some said a lot, some said it was so bad she get left and had gone NC. All varying degrees.

Why is it so hard for you to accept this Mouse. You presume I haven't talked to others. Because to assume they don't want to talk about it. You don't know that. That's an assumption and a presumption if ever I hear one.

Now you call me stupid and naive. Because the people I know, I didn't comment about anybody else, only the people I know, are open to talking about it.

you dispute that?

[MsGameandWatch]

I think it's a bit crap to come on to such a painful thread and say something like that to be honest.

[Oblomov17]

Very very few of the people that I have talked to about it, were as abusive as many on this thread, and other MN threads.
Some were a bit, but not as bad as much as I read on MN.

I'm not stupid though. Of course it went on. I believe what I read on MN when people say it happened to them. Why would I NOT believe them?

But I don't think it was as THAT widespread as some threads suggest. Not all, some.

There are very good support networks on MN for those that were though :
The 'we took you to stately homes section' is brilliant and supportive.

[LevantineHummus]

Oblov nobody knew what was going on in my house, including family friends who'd known my mother from before I was born and stayed in the house with us!

If you asked me about my childhood you also wouldn't get the truth, because I can't speak the words. It's only recently that some of those family and childhood friends have found out, because after YEARS of therapy, including specific trauma therapy, I could talk about some of it.

What happened to me has been covered on this thread already - some worse, some of what has been mentioned didn't happen to me.

Having children myself has made my (c)PTSD much worse. But again, NOBODY in RL knows about that either other than those I've specifically told, or my husband (and psychologists).

So I could well be one of your 100 or so people.

[Oblomov17]

Why is a not crap? The OP posted on AIBU? Her choice as to where to post?

She asked about parenting.
Others have posted that they weren't severely disciplined. And how that has affected them and their parenting.

And others have said they were. And sadly how that has affected them and their parenting.

Fine. You don't want to hear both sides? Ok. I'll leave it there then.

[LevantineHummus]

btw I'm not saying that your 100 are lying, or that it happened to everyone, more that you can't always know for sure.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

I was smacked or walloped with the back of the hairbrush, but only after several warnings (I was very defiant and would never back down). Alternatively I was sent to my room (not locked in though, I had a bolt on my side of the door) or had things removed for a period of time (books, TV, stereo etc).

I lived with my nan for long periods for various reasons unrelated to my parents (my nan was a young widow and depressed and lonely) and she never needed to discipline me in any way because I behaved impeccably with her. At 17 I was living back at home but my dad kicked me out for telling my mum to fuck off when she told me my boyfriend at the time was an evil swine. She was right (he was abusive) but I was happy enough to flounce back to my nan's.

[SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes]

Oblomov I have friends who have no idea that I was beaten, abused, bullied and sexually abused as a child. Probably because I don't tell my business to everyone. Those that do know are shocked because I'm known for my warmth, kindness and sense of humour. Which according to some people (not you) you can't have if you've had a bad childhood.

[MsGameandWatch]

There's 57,000 children in the UK at present, identified as being in danger of abuse. That's not taking into account the ones who haven't spoken up or been identified and the ones that are too young or scared to speak up, we can probably quadruple the figures with those in mind.

You wouldn't go onto any other thread with multiple tales of painful abuse and try to give "balance" would you? Hope not.

[Oblomov17]

Well I am very sorry for that Hummus.

Of course I recognise that if you have been abused you are not going to talk about it at the drop of a hat.

People have talked to me about it. I'm sure many like you don't, because you can't be open about it because it's simply too painful.

I am very open. Probably/possibly because I was bought up in a very loving home. I'm not stupid enough to know that many people weren't.

[CheddarIsNotTheOnlyCheese]

Well said Sharon. Just because someone in your social gathering hasn't spilled their guts about a shitty childhood doesn't mean nothing. They've just chosen not to let you into a very painful time for them. Do you think you should be privy to everything ever to take place?

[HelgaHufflepuff76]

I was a child in the 80's.
My parents were very laid back and I don't remember any real discipline from them. I also went to one of those experimental schools where there were few rules, no uniform and you called your teachers by their first name etc.

It was great at the time but now I feel I would have done better in life if I'd been pushed more and had more boundaries.

[CuppaSarah]

My parents were products of abusive and dysfunctional childhoods. They should never have been together, my mum who was never shown love or affection by her parents, craved it from us and would play us against our dad so she be favoured by us. Dad was horrifically abused after his mother died and he was taken to a childrens home. He had a fierce temper but rarely hit us. He had occasional outbursts where he would rant and rave and it was scary, but looking back my mum majorly gaslighted him all the time.

They were both doing the best they could with the tools they had, but while they weren't abusive or violent it was incredibly inconsistent and my mum very manipulative.

My sister has grownup not valuing peoples feelings and manipulates people for her gain guiltlessly, even turning mum against me when it suited her. I've grown up pretty normal, but struggle not trusting my judgement.

My and my dad have an amazing relationship and he is an amazing, doting and loving grandad. My mum and I have a strained relationship, if I put my kids first, which obviously I do, she takes it personally and tests me to see if I will put her first. When I don't all hell breaks loose.

[PuffinDodger]

Puffindodger, no of course I'm not saying that I don't believe them. Whatever made you think that I was implying that these people were? What lying?

Probably you writing "I find it hard to believe that such a huge % of the population lived this way."

And then going on to tell us that no one you have ever met has been treated this way

[OffRoader]

Talking about your poor childhood is really difficult. Especially if you love your parents (and they love you) because you feel like a traitor, it's very complex.

For me the poor parenting was in between being with parents who loved me, they just didn't know any better.

If someone asked me I'd just talk about the good bits.

[PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus]

Child of the 70s. From my mum - losing temper/shouting, the odd smack for more serious misdemeanours. It stopped after an occasion when, uncharacteristically, I found enough defiance to stand up to her and threatened to hit her back.

My dad - different kettle of fish. Hair trigger temper so straight to yelling, occasionally violent (he once threw me up against a door); silent treatment (longest spell lasted for five months). Fortunately he worked away for most of my childhood and was only home at weekends when he spent more time out drinking than at home.

Superficially I get on with them both, more so my mum but although we see each other regularly we're not emotionally close, in the sense that I could never feel like I could pour my heart out to either of them. We never talk about my dad's violence, it's like it never happened. I don't feel any real anger towards them - to me it was just my normal - and it's only comparatively recently that I've even begun to apply the word "abusive" to my dad in my head. But with hindsight it has damaged my self-esteem; I'm overly compliant and a people pleaser, and anyone sulking/using silent treatment makes me almost panicky. I would have been a soft target for an EA partner but fortunately my DH is a lovely considerate decent man. And at some level it probably was one of the influences that made me decide quite early on that I didn't want children, because I have some of my dad's traits. The difference is that I have tried to change, or at least control, the negative ones although that hasn't been an easy process - I had a terrible temper myself when younger. Even though I hadn't consciously joined the dots about having had an abusive childhood as coherently as I have more recently, at some level I always suspected that in the pressured/stressful/relentless situation of parenting, there was a risk those traits would come to the fore.

[RortyCrankle]

My childhood was in the late 1940's and 50's. DM disciplined my sister and I, usually by sending us to our rooms. She would occasionally take a swipe at the backs of our legs as we scrambled up the stairs but usually missed. She was a tough cookie but fair. My DF would then plead with her to let us come downstairs - especially in winter - pre central heating days and ice would be formed on the inside of the windows.

I suppose its wrong to say DF didn't discipline us - with him it was more he would express disappointment at our bad behaviour and as he was the kindest, sweetest person on earth it would pierce my heart and was more effective than DM shouting at us.

[PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus]

And yes, in conversation if the topic of our childhoods ever crops up I never mention it. My DH knows, this anonymous forum now knows, but no one else. It was a long time ago, the damage is done, I still have a relationship with my parents. I talk about the good bits, not the bad. I think you're being quite naive, Oblomov, if you're assuming that at least some of your friends and acquaintances don't do the same.

[absolutelynotfabulous]

Cripes. Shocked at what I'm reading. .

I was born in 1959. My parents were stern, strict people. I was shouted at quite a bit, but I can't remember being smacked. My father threatened me with my room once, which I remember, and there was a lot of leg-pulling about being lazy, tight, rebellious, weird etc, but nothing that bothered me really.

My mother was a sulker and my father had a temper. They were decent people, really, and I learned a lot from them, particularly about music, which has become central to my life.

My mother made me feel crap about myself later on - I'm not sure she meant to -which gave me a lifelong complex about my looks.

It's the nature/nurture argument though isn't it? Hey ho.

[Oblomov17]

Puffin what % of parents do you think are abusive? Do you think it is most? Half?

[MsGameandWatch]

can you not just bow out gracefully and let people have a place to discuss their painful experiences without forcing people who have told you that they're bothered by your assertions to justify themselves? Guess not.

[wishcarry]

I had no boundarys/house rules/punishments.
my mum was always too busy getting drunk to have cared what I did.
I was drinking by 12,getting stoned when I was 13,I took ecstacy,cocaine,speed,had a major drink problem myself by my late teens,slept with countless men.
I was an absolute fuck up to be honest.
luckily I have sorted myself out now,but I would have loved to have had some good parental guidance growing up,not physical punishment,but just a telling off and consequences of I was bad.

[highinthesky]

Born in '73. Dad was working most of the time, but used to smack us sometimes. This would be with all the force of a 6' man with hands like thick plates.

My mum shouted mostly but occasionally we got the hoover.

Re: next generation. We are v much in charge and if my parents even looked at DC the wrong way it would be over my dead body. The discipline is down to me, and I cannot imagine punishing a child through violence. Luckily grandparents are enamoured with DC but I'm aware it could resurface if pushed.

I was sceptical about the anti-smacking law but it does seem to have changed parenting culture in the U.K. I'm sure that this week's Panorama made a comment about parenting being gentler than it was a generation ago!

[PuffinDodger]

Puffin what % of parents do you think are abusive? Do you think it is most? Half?

I've no idea. Why do you ask? You seem quite aggressive.